It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)
J. Algernon Hawthorne: I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant at offering any criticism whatever of any other.
J. Russell Finch: Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear of anything that could be said FOR it. Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself, and the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated. They're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis, while their women sit under hairdryers, eating chocolates and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all my time in this wretched, godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, advertising and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like: if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight.
Lennie Pike: Then what happens next? I'll tell you what happens: Then they all decide that I'm supposed to get a smaller share! That I'm somebody extra special stupid, or something! That they don't even care if it's a democracy! And in a democracy, it don't matter how stupid you are, you still get an equal share!
Mrs. Marcus: [holding cactus plant] Well, uh, where shall I put this?
J. Russell Finch: [double take] Oh, boy.
Mrs. Marcus: Now for the last time. Are we calling Sylvester or not?
J. Russell Finch: No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? It's because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: I say: *Good show*!
J. Russell Finch: You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "Thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago.
[Hawthorne screeches to a stop]
J. Russell Finch: What are you stopping for?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Get out of this machine.
J. Russell Finch: Get out? You can't...
J. Algernon Hawthorne: It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out!
J. Russell Finch: I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Glad to hear you say so.
Lennie Pike: [after Smiler Grogan literally kicks the bucket] That guy's dead. You better believe it.
Benjy Benjamin: Oh, I believe it all right, but if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gonna get the hell out of here.
Sylvester Marcus: [into a phone] Mama, who's with you? Where are you talking to me... Where are you?
Mrs. Marcus: [into the phone] I'm with this truck driver at Peterson's garage in a place called Plaster City. And will you just shut up a minute so I can tell you what happened!
Sylvester Marcus: Now listen, Mommy, you listen to me close. You stay right there, because I'm coming, Mom. I'm coming to get you right now, Mom.
Mrs. Marcus: Will you SHUT UP AND LISTEN?
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, it's all right. Everything's gonna be all right, Mama. Your baby's coming to get ya. You just sit there. Sit there, relax, take it easy.
Mrs. Marcus: [On the phone and the camera's still on Sylvester] Sylvester...
Sylvester Marcus: I'm coming to get you, Mom!
Mrs. Marcus: [On the phone and the camera's still on Sylvester] ... shut up and let me talk...
Sylvester Marcus: [At the same time, while Mrs. Marcus is speaking] Everything is gonna be all right!
Lennie Pike: Well?
Mrs. Marcus: So he's coming here. And I'm not to worry about a thing, because "everything is going to be all right!"
Mrs. Marcus: [to Emmeline] Exactly like your father: a big, stupid, muscle-headed moron!
Lennie Pike: *Everybody* has to pay taxes!- Even businessmen, that rob and steal and cheat from people everyday, even *they* have to pay *taxes*!
Benjy Benjamin: Look! We've figured it seventeen different ways, and every time we figured it, it was no good, because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it! So now, there's only one way to figure it. And that is, every man, including the old bag, for himself!
Ding Bell: So good luck, and may the best man win!
Benjy Benjamin: [to Mrs. Marcus] Right! Except you,lady. May you just drop dead!
Lennie Pike: All right, all right, we all agree on that. Now look, let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us. Right? There's enough for you, there's enough for you, and for me, and for you, and there's enough for...
[they all race to their cars]
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [answering phone] : Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?
Ginger Culpeper: It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend, Oscar, was supposed to come down here from Pomona just to meet us. So now, she called him and told him we were goin' away.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Well, what's the matter?
Ginger Culpeper: You keep forgetting if a girl is six-feet-five inches tall, she's bound to have special problems. They had some argument and then, they started screaming at each other. And now, the whole engagement's off, and she says she's leaving.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Leaving what? Leaving home? Let me talk to her. Get her to the phone.
Ginger Culpeper: I'll try. Just a minute.
[to Billie Sue]
Ginger Culpeper: Talk to your father.
Billie Sue Culpeper: I won't. I don't wanna talk to him ever!
Ginger Culpeper: Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.
J. Russell Finch: Hey, did you see th-the way he went SAILING right out there?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Uh... Just a minute. I... I cahhn't see.
Ding Bell: What?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Something's happened to my eyes. I-I-I cahhn't - I cahhn't see.
Ding Bell: You cahhn't see? He cahhn't see.
Benjy Benjamin: Must be an eye cold.
Tyler Fitzgerald: George! George!
Otto Meyer: I wish I knew what they're going to do to us. But no matter what happens to us...
[to Captain Culpeper]
Otto Meyer: what happens to you, I hope will be worse!
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I don't think you have to worry too much about that. My wife is divorcing me, my mother-in-law is suing me for damages, my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed, my pension has been revoked. And the only reason that you 10 idiots will very LIKELY get off LIGHTLY, is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at!
Third Cab Driver: [sarcastically] Oh, that's tough. Oh ho ho ho.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now, there'd be something I could laugh at... Anything.
Emmeline Finch: Oh Russell, I feel sick.
J. Russell Finch: Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know.
Mrs. Marcus: Now what kind of an attitude is that, "these things happen"? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say "these things happen," and that's why they happen! We gotta have control of what happens to us.
Tyler Fitzgerald: You know what I need? I need a drink. There's some ice and stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some old fashioneds?
Ding Bell: "Old Fashions"? Do you think you oughta drink while you're flying?
Tyler Fitzgerald: Well stop kidding, will ya, and make us some drinks! You just press the button back there marked "booze". It's the only way to fly!
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: In another couple of minutes, we'll have them in position, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position.
Tower Controller at Rancho Conejo: [Sarcastically] You're doing a great job, Colonel.
Col. Wilberforce: Thank you.
Radio tower operator at Rancho Conejo: Why don't we just shoot them down and be through with it?
Lennie Pike: [Otto Meyer drives by] That's him! That's him! I tell you, when I catch you, I'll kill you! I tell you, I'll kill you, you dirty *robber*!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Someone you know?
Melville Crump: Filibuster. Filibuster. Ha. Now you can stick around and watch us take off.
Ding Bell: Listen, Dentist: I *hate* dentists! And I hate *you* so much, that I'm not able to *tell* you how much I hate you, in front of your wife-!
Benjy Benjamin: And visa versa.
Melville Crump: [enraged] Why you... Come on over here!
[Ding and Benji run]
Melville Crump: COME ON over *here*!
Tyler Fitzgerald: Anybody can fly plane, now here: I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel there. Now put your feet on the rudder. There. Who says this ol' boy can't fly this ol' plane? Now I'm gonna make us some Old Fashioneds the old-fashioned way - the way dear old Dad used to!
Benjy Benjamin: What if something happens?
Tyler Fitzgerald: What could happen to an Old Fashioned?
Mrs. Marcus: [holding a planter containing several cactus] Well, where should I put this?
J. Russell Finch: [scoffing] Oh, boy.
Third Cab Driver: Can't you see I'm talking on the phone? Huh? Give me two minutes! Now listen to me, Sir, I...
[Looks back at Melville]
Melville Crump: Will you take us to Santa Rosita state park?
Third Cab Driver: What's the matter, what happened to you? What was ya, in some kind of initiation?
Melville Crump: We had an accident. We fell into yellow, all right? Hurry up!
J. Russell Finch: Here,
[pulls a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van]
J. Russell Finch: take this and go hire us the best car you can find.
Lennie Pike: But... this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van.
J. Russell Finch: We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry?
Lennie Pike: Oh okay... I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean?
[Pedals away on the bicycle]
Sylvester Marcus: I'm coming. That's what I'm here for. That's why you had me, Mama, to save you.
Otto Meyer: [Honking car as it pulls into the Ray & Irwin Garage] Fellas. I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help. Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back. It may be a little flat. Take a look at it will you kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here? Look, if the spare is flat don't bother fixing it. Gimme a new tire, all right? You ain't got a new tire? Then you'll have to fix the spare. But don't look at me. Move it, will you kid? You, you could be gassing up while he's working. What is it a staring contest? Come on!
[claps his hands over and over]
Otto Meyer: Move! Move, will you kid? Come on!
J. Russell Finch: And I give you my word. My wife wanted to stop for you, I wanted to stop for you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by him...
Lennie Pike: Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it.
Lennie Pike: [furious] So! So someone will "stumble over the little girl's bicycle in the dark", huh? Well when I'm finished with *you*, they'll be stumbling over *YOU* in the *dark*!
J. Russell Finch: Lets stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking!
J. Russell Finch: [smiling] yeah.
Otto Meyer: Hey, wait a minute! I can't cross here. You said the main road. This is Niagara Falls. All right, look. You're a little boy. You wanna be a big boy? Which way to the main road?
[Benjy is trying to fly an airplane]
Benjy Benjamin: Dingy, don't let this worry you- *We're gonna get killed*!
Ding Bell: You see our grandmother lives in Rosita Beach, see, and she's dying and she kinda like to have us be with her when she goes.
Benjy Benjamin: Otherwise she won't go.
[Bell bumps him]
Benjy Benjamin: Uh, she'll go!
Benjy Benjamin: Wall?
Ding Bell: No.
Benjy Benjamin: Walnut tree?
Ding Bell: No, no.
Benjy Benjamin: Walnuts?
Ding Bell: No.
Benjy Benjamin: In bags?
Ding Bell: NO!
Benjy Benjamin: If I have to climb much more of *this* I'll be lying down there *with* him!
Third Cab Driver: They're up to something funny, you hear what I'm telling you? Now, did you see the blonde I brought? All covered with paint and her dressed ripped. Now what was that all about?
Second cab driver: Yeah. And what about the picks and shovels?
Mrs. Marcus: "No matter what you've all done today, you're really not criminals". Ha! Of all the snooty, patronizing...
Mrs. Marcus: You're stepping on my foot!
Sylvester Marcus: Would you get off Mama's foot?
Second cab driver: [they're chasing Capt. Culpeper] He's heading for the border. Let's stop and call the police station.
Mrs. Marcus: You shut up! We're gonna get that money. Keep driving!
Second cab driver: That woman is something else.
First cab driver: That'll be $2.90.
Melville Crump: Okay, here's $3.00. Wait for us, okay?
First cab driver: [sarcastically] Oh sure.
Melville Crump: Wise guy.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [into a phone] Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock. When I tell you what happened...
Ginger Culpeper: [voice] So, tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The Smiler Grogan case is solved!
Ginger Culpeper: The WHAT? Now, what the hell is the Smiler Grogan case?
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: The tuna factory robbery! The case I've been talking about for the last fifteen years!
Col. Wilberforce: [completely tangled up in the radio's microphone cord] What the HELL is with this wire?
Sylvester Marcus: That's my mommy. She's gone crazy or something. MAYBE RAPE! OH!
Otto Meyer: So, what's wrong with your wife?
Miner: That's the trouble, the doc's not sure. He says whatever it is, she's too sick even to be moved. She needs this special stuff and we haven't got a phone so I went to get it and that's when... Slow down, the turning is just up here.
Otto Meyer: Turning? You mean it's off the road?
Miner: Only a mile.
Otto Meyer: Now look, Pal, I'm in a hurry...
Miner: HOLD IT! Stop the car. Now listen, buddy, I'm sorry about your problems. But the doc said to hurry and this is my wife. Now come on, we turn right here.
Otto Meyer: But there isn't even a road...
Miner: LISTEN! Don't force me to get rough!
[Rips the horn ring off the steering wheel]
Miner: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bust up your car.
Otto Meyer: That's all right. You say it's a mile? Heck, a mile ain't asking too much.
Benjy Benjamin: [while Benji tries to fly the plane, Ding tries putting head phones on Benji's head] Hey, get outta here.
Ding Bell: Put them on.
Benjy Benjamin: I don't wanna.
Ding Bell: Benji, I tell you, he said the man who's flying should be talking on this thing.
Benjy Benjamin: What, am I supposed to everything? You want me to fly the airplane, you want me to work the radio, what are you gonna... What are you, the hostess?
Ding Bell: Ah, this is hopeless. We're gonna get noplace if we're gonna continue listening to this old bag.
Benjy Benjamin: What are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man for himself?
Ding Bell: ...And every woman for HIMself?
Mrs. Marcus: One more funny remark from you, buster...
Policeman: You fellows all right?
Ray: Now they show up. Where were you when we needed you?
Irwin: Writing parking tickets, I suppose.
Policeman: They're still alive!
Melville Crump: Look, why don't we just start digging for it?
J. Russell Finch: Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them?
Monica Crump: Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition.
Melville Crump: [annoyed] Aah!
Sylvester Marcus: We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in!
[Pike and Sylvester are digging into a hole that suddenly becomes too close]
Sylvester Marcus: Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room, Man, you're bugging me. You're bugging me.
Lennie Pike: What are you talking about 'bugging'?
Sylvester Marcus: Cut out, cut out.
Lennie Pike: What's this 'cut out' talk?
Sylvester Marcus: Out, baby. Out, baby. Out!
Lennie Pike: Don't call me a baby!
All: Would you just get out? Get on with it!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.
Mrs. Marcus: Where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.
Mrs. Marcus: Sounds so foreign.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Really?
Air traffic control tower staffer: If you can, give us your position. Who is flying the plane?
Ding Bell: [Benji is at the controls] What do you mean "who's flying the plane"? Nobody's flying the plane!
[Benji scowls at Ding]
Sylvester Marcus: [Benji and Dingy run by] Who are they?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: From this morning?
Mrs. Marcus: Yes.
Sylvester Marcus: [Captain Culpeper goes by] Who is he?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: [Otto Meyer runs by] Who is he?
Mrs. Marcus: I don't know.
Sylvester Marcus: Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?
[the two cab drivers run by]
Sylvester Marcus: Who are they? Cabbies? Mama, this thing is like a convention.
Mrs. Marcus: Sylvester!
Sylvester Marcus: Mama!
Mrs. Marcus: Why couldn't you listen? Why couldn't you shut up when I was trying to tell you to listen?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Have a care, that chap's run absolutely amok!
Ray: [after hitting Pike unconscious with a pop bottle] Holy mackerel. When he started... Listen, we better get him tied up. What are we gonna do when he comes to?
Irwin: Hit him again.
Ray: Oh I couldn't!
Ding Bell: Hey. It's that hokey dentist.
Benjy Benjamin: Yeah.
Ding Bell: Pass that cab.
Second cab driver: What's the rush?
Ding Bell: What do you mean rush?
Benjy Benjamin: We ain't in any rush, we just wanna get there in a hurry.
Lennie Pike: All right lady, are you gonna get out or am I gonna have to throw you out?
Emmeline Finch: Oh please Mr. Pike, don't get upset.
Mrs. Marcus: He's not gonna do anything! Drive on, ya big stupid idiot!
Mrs. Marcus: [Referring to her son, Sylvester] Exactly like your father! A big stupid muscle-headed moron!
Police radio voice unit F-7: [voice] F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in a hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We gotta let them out.
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uh, after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But, the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick 'em up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Uh uh, it's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me? I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody. Otherwise, it just ain't fair.
Man in car in desert: Trouble? Having any trouble?
Mrs. Marcus: Yes, and we don't need any help from you!
Man in car in desert: Well!
Police sergeant: He just sits in there, rigid-like.
Switchboard operator Gertie: If he catches you at that keyhole, *you'll* be rigid-like.
Benjy Benjamin: [in a hospital in bandages and casts] It's all your fault. It's all your fault right from the beginning to the end.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: You know, even for a policeman, your behavior was ruddy outrageous.
Sylvester Marcus: Yeah, you could have taken a fair share like the rest of us, but no. You had to go and wrap up the whole scene, baby.
Ding Bell: We had 350,000 bucks right in our hands.
Melville Crump: 14 into $350,000...
Ding Bell: [groans] Oh, shut up!
Police Chief Aloysius: [to Captain Culpeper] It's no. The answer is no. He won't back any increase in pensions. He won't even talk about it. And there won't be any increase in pensions. And do you know why? Because they got a solid majority of both Republicans and Democrats who've agreed that if anything is said about pensions, they'll actually reduce your pension! Why? Because they know that you personally were more responsible than anybody else for closing down the houses. And could I do anything? Would he listen to me? Hah! All right. So you're an honest cop. And you've spent a lifetime being an honest cop. And you've got that, and that's all you've got! It's no good saying I'm sorry. I'm too angry and sick at my stomach to be sorry.
Lennie Pike: Now fellas, you keep this up and I'm gonna get sore. I mean it.
[last scene: Mrs. Marcus, with Emmeline and Monica in tow, enter the hospital where all the men are hospitalized, right after Benjy throws a banana peel on the floor]
Mrs. Marcus: Now see here, you idiots, it's all your fault, because if you hadn't...
[Mrs. Marcus slips on the banana peel and falls back-first on the floor]
Sylvester Marcus: Mama!
[all the hospitalized men, except Sylvester and Captain Culpeper, burst out laughing uproariously as Mrs. Marcus is put on a stretcher and taken away]
Mrs. Marcus: Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!
[Captain Culpeper joins the laughter]
Police radio voice unit F-7: F7 to Central. The Crumps are locked in the hardware store basement. Should I let them out? Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement? We've got to let them out!
Police sergeant: That ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: It ain't fair? What ain't fair?
Police sergeant: They got themselves in there, they ought to be able to get themselves out. Uhh. After all, if you help them, you aren't being fair to the others.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: But the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're going to pick them up. So what difference does it make who gets there first?
Police sergeant: Ahhh. It's a race, ain't it? Why do you want to help that dentist for? Me, I've been pullin' all the while for that other guy Pike, with the furniture van. The rules ought to be the same for everybody, otherwise it just ain't fair.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Ummm. Central to F7: No. We'll leave them where they are. See what happens. Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: [to Police Sergeant] Are you happy?
Otto Meyer: [when the kid shows him a very steep hill] Over there? Over THERE? Down *there*?
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [Russell takes a swing at him and misses] So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right, stick 'em up!
J. Russell Finch: Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
[Hawthorne chases him around the car, until the two bump into one another]
J. Algernon Hawthorne: [looks at his arm] Blood!
J. Russell Finch: It certainly is.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Aah!
[Russell swings at him again]
J. Russell Finch: [Hawthorne runs] Come back here, ya blimey...!
J. Algernon Hawthorne: You know I'm not entirely uncertain you haven't damaged this machine.
Lennie Pike: It's buried under a big W. Say, what is a big W?
Ding Bell: When we find out, we'll send you a 'Wire'.
Benjy Benjamin: Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Now, where have I always told ya that the Smiler hid the dough? Where? Right there!
Otto Meyer: I haven't got much time, so if you love your country, if you're a patriot, you listen and you listen hard. You've got to get to a phone and you've got to make a call.
Nervous Motorist: I gotta make a call?
Otto Meyer: Yes, you gotta call Intelligence. Central Intelligence Agency, Washington D.C.
Nervous Motorist: Well what on earth...?
Otto Meyer: [shouts] Listen! All right, tell them you heard from X-27, you got it? X-27. X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life already today. They had me down a silver mine, they tried to drown me. Can you handle a gun? Okay. Ah! Good. There's a cafe. Pull right in there, you use that phone.
Nervous Motorist: Well, I don't...
Otto Meyer: Will you shut up! You're in no danger. They've never seen you. Now pull in.
[they drive into the parking lot]
Otto Meyer: All right, good, now get in there and tell the operator "Emergency priority" and then ask for the CIA. All right, jump out. Go on, you're not in any danger. They don't know you. You're all right. Look, I'll dock the car and come back for you. For God's sake, man, don't stand there in the street. They'll see you. They'll spot you! Go on. Get out!
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: I'm sorry, we're closed. It's 12:00 on Sunday.
Melville Crump: It's 12:00, they're closed. WAIT A MINUTE! All we want is a pick and a shovel.
Dinckler's Hardware Store clerk: Well, Mr. Dinckler is inside...
Melville Crump: Dinckler. That's it, we'll get Dinckler, come on.
J. Russell Finch: I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: Look, wherever they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch.
J. Russell Finch: [mockingly] All right, we'll press on with all possible dispatch.
J. Algernon Hawthorne: And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so.
Migrant truck driver: [after barreling down a hill and stuff flies off the truck] I've said it before and I'll say it again, I didn't want to move to California.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: You know what I believe I'd like? A chocolate fudge sundae with whipped cream and a cherry on top.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: Nothing will happen here for five minutes.
Secretary Schwartz: Mrs. Culpeper on the phone.
Capt. T.G. Culpeper: No calls. No calls. No more calls.
Lt. Matthews: Something's wrong.
Police sergeant: Why? Does something gotta be wrong? He feels like a chocolate fudge sundae. So what? He has a chocolate fudge sundae.
Emmeline Finch: I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.
Mrs. Marcus: You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah but...
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah but WHAT?
J. Russell Finch: Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down.
Mrs. Marcus: Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming.
Emmeline Finch: Mother!
Mrs. Marcus: Oh Emmeline, shut up!
[Russell starts to speak]
Mrs. Marcus: And you too!
Melville Crump: The man said there was a certain amount of money buried down in this park.
Lennie Pike: That's right. It was under a big W. Say what is a big W?
Ding Bell: If we find out, we'll send you a wire.
Melville Crump: It's only a possibility now, it's only a possibility that this man was telling the truth. And if it was the truth, then it is a fact that this place is almost 200 miles away. Now I suggest that we quietly get into our cars and drive down there at a safe, sound speed, keeping each other in sight of each other. And then when we get down there, we dig up the money - providing there is some money there. And if we do find it, we share it amongst us in a simple manner.
Lennie Pike: Wealth... Witch... Let's see. Where. Work. That's it, work. I gotta work on where it is.
Mrs. Marcus: You're overlooking one little thing.
J. Russell Finch: Yeah, one little thing.
Ding Bell: What little thing?
J. Russell Finch: Yeah, what little thing?
Mrs. Marcus: We can all count, can't we? There were 8 of us there.
J. Russell Finch: She's right. There were 8 of us there.
Otto Meyer: [turns around to see a helicopter]
Otto Meyer: Look out!
Nervous Motorist: What? Wh-Who...?
Otto Meyer: Don't stop driving man. Keep going!
Nervous Motorist: What? What is it?
[turns around, sees the helicopter and spins back around]
Nervous Motorist: That's a police helicopter!
Otto Meyer: Yeah, that's what it looks like. They always use them.
Nervous Motorist: Who always uses them?
Otto Meyer: Who do you think?
Mrs. Marcus: We're the ones with the Imperial, and we're running last?
Otto Meyer: [after being asked by Irwin the gas station attendant about how many people Lennie Pike has killed] Don't be morbid, just tie him up until the boys in the white jackets gets here.
Lennie Pike: This is stupid. You call me a "stupid idiot?" Well, let me tell you something. You're a "stupid idiot!"
Mrs. Marcus: But he'll go all the way to Plaster City.
Lennie Pike: So he goes all the way to Plaster City. I don't know about you, but I'm turning this thing around. Now, you wanna catch him? You get out and run!
Police Chief Aloysius: [reaming the Mayor out over the phone] I have enough stuff in my private files, stuff relating to civic building, road contracts, harbor and cannery projects, enough stuff to put you, the D.A., myself, and a two-thirds majority behind bars for the next 20 years! And I give you my word, that's *exactly* where everybody's going, unless things start happening now!
The Mayor: Like what, for instance?
Police Chief Aloysius: I want the pension for Culpeper's grade trebled. Not doubled, trebled! I want Culpeper to retire with honor. I want it on paper that that's exactly what's going to happen. And I want it in my hands in fifteen minutes, or I'll have all the reporters in town in here in twenty!
[suddenly all sweetness and light]
Police Chief Aloysius: You know the word for this, Your Honor. It's called blackmail.
Smiler Grogan: Look, there's this dough see. There's all this dough. Three hundred and fifty g's! Do you hear what I'm saying? Three hundred and fifty g's! In the park. Rosita. Rosita Beach State Park. Just south of Daygo in Santa Rosita. It's in this box, buried under this
Smiler Grogan: buried under this big W. You'll see it! You'll see it under this big W. You can't miss it! A big, big, W! And it's been there. And it's been laying there for fifteen years!