President Merkin Muffley: Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
President Merkin Muffley: I will not go down in history as the greatest mass-murderer since Adolf Hitler.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Perhaps it might be better, Mr. President, if you were more concerned with the American People than with your image in the history books.
Dr. Strangelove: Sir! I have a plan!
[standing up from his wheelchair]
Dr. Strangelove: Mein Führer! I can walk!
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
Colonel "Bat" Guano: That's private property.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for, you twit!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: What?
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.
Sign: Peace is our Profession.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Sir, you can't let him in here. He'll see everything. He'll see the big board!
General "Buck" Turgidson: It'd be naive of us, Mr. President, to imagine that these new developments would cause a change in Soviet expansionist policy. I mean, we must be increasingly on the alert to prevent them taking over other mine shafts space, in order to breed more prodigiously than we do. Thus, knocking us out of these superior numbers when we emerge! Mr. President, we must not allow a mine-shaft gap!
Dr. Strangelove: Of course, the whole point of a Doomsday Machine is lost, if you *keep* it a *secret*! Why didn't you tell the world, EH?
Ambassador de Sadesky: It was to be announced at the Party Congress on Monday. As you know, the Premier loves surprises.
General Jack D. Ripper: Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous communist plot we have ever had to face.
[after speaking on the phone to Soviet Premier Dimitri Kissov]
Ambassador de Sadesky: Be careful, Mr. President. I think he's drunk.
President Merkin Muffley: [to Premier Kissov] Hello?... Uh... Hello D- uh hello Dmitri? Listen uh uh I can't hear too well. Do you suppose you could turn the music down just a little?... Oh-ho, that's much better... yeah... huh... yes... Fine, I can hear you now, Dmitri... Clear and plain and coming through fine... I'm coming through fine, too, eh?... Good, then... well, then, as you say, we're both coming through fine... Good... Well, it's good that you're fine and... and I'm fine... I agree with you, it's great to be fine... a-ha-ha-ha-ha... Now then, Dmitri, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb... The *Bomb*, Dmitri... The *hydrogen* bomb!... Well now, what happened is... ahm... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of... well, he went a little funny in the head... you know... just a little... funny. And, ah... he went and did a silly thing... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes... to attack your country... Ah... Well, let me finish, Dmitri... Let me finish, Dmitri... Well listen, how do you think I feel about it?... Can you *imagine* how I feel about it, Dmitri?... Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello?... *Of course* I like to speak to you!... *Of course* I like to say hello!... Not now, but anytime, Dmitri. I'm just calling up to tell you something terrible has happened... It's a *friendly* call. Of course it's a friendly call... Listen, if it wasn't friendly... you probably wouldn't have even got it... They will *not* reach their targets for at least another hour... I am... I am positive, Dmitri... Listen, I've been all over this with your ambassador. It is not a trick... Well, I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a complete run-down on the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive systems of the planes... Yes! I mean i-i-i-if we're unable to recall the planes, then... I'd say that, ah... well, ah... we're just gonna have to help you destroy them, Dmitri... I know they're our boys... All right, well listen now. Who should we call?... *Who* should we call, Dmitri? The... wha-whe, the People... you, sorry, you faded away there... The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters... Where is that, Dmitri?... In Omsk... Right... Yes... Oh, you'll call them first, will you?... Uh-huh... Listen, do you happen to have the phone number on you, Dmitri?... Whe-ah, what? I see, just ask for Omsk information... Ah-ah-eh-uhm-hm... I'm sorry, too, Dmitri... I'm very sorry... *All right*, you're sorrier than I am, but I am as sorry as well... I am as sorry as you are, Dmitri! Don't say that you're more sorry than I am, because I'm capable of being just as sorry as you are... So we're both sorry, all right?... All right.
General Jack D. Ripper: Have you ever seen a Commie drink a glass of water?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, no, I can't say I have.
General Jack D. Ripper: Vodka. That's what they drink, isn't it? Never water.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, I believe that's what they drink, Jack. Yes.
General Jack D. Ripper: On no account will a Commie ever drink water and not without good reason.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Yes. I - I doubt quite see what you're getting at, Jack.
General Jack D. Ripper: Water. That's what I'm getting at. Water.
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about war?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No, I don't think I do, sir, no.
General Jack D. Ripper: He said war was too important to be left to the generals. When he said that, 50 years ago, he might have been right. But today, war is too important to be left to politicians. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic thought. I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, Communist subversion and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Survival kit contents check. In them you'll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days' concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella' could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.
Adm. Randolph: Try one of these Jamaican cigars, Ambassador. They're pretty good.
Ambassador de Sadesky: Thank you, no. I do not support the work of imperialist stooges.
Adm. Randolph: Oh, only commie stooges, huh?
[Strangelove's plan for post-nuclear war survival involves living underground with a 10:1 female-to-male ratio]
General "Buck" Turgidson: Doctor, you mentioned the ratio of ten women to each man. Now, wouldn't that necessitate the abandonment of the so-called monogamous sexual relationship, I mean, as far as men were concerned?
Dr. Strangelove: Regrettably, yes. But it is, you know, a sacrifice required for the future of the human race. I hasten to add that since each man will be required to do prodigious... service along these lines, the women will have to be selected for their sexual characteristics which will have to be of a highly stimulating nature.
Ambassador de Sadesky: I must confess, you have an astonishingly good idea there, Doctor.
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children's ice cream.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: [very nervous] Lord, Jack.
General Jack D. Ripper: You know when fluoridation first began?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: I... no, no. I don't, Jack.
General Jack D. Ripper: Nineteen hundred and forty-six. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, Jack, Jack, listen... tell me, tell me, Jack. When did you first... become... well, develop this theory?
General Jack D. Ripper: [somewhat embarassed] Well, I, uh... I... I... first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.
General Jack D. Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue... a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I... I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
General Jack D. Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandrake.
General Jack D. Ripper: But I... I do deny them my essence.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.
[first title card]
Title Card: It is the stated position of the U.S. Air Force that their safeguards would prevent the occurrence of such events as are depicted in this film. Furthermore, it should be noted that none of the characters portrayed in this film are meant to represent any real persons living or dead.
General "Buck" Turgidson: General Ripper called Strategic Air Command headquarters shortly after he issued the go code. I have a portion of the transcript of that conversation if you'd like me to to read it.
President Merkin Muffley: Read it!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Ahem... The Duty Officer asked General Ripper to confirm the fact that he *had* issued the go code, and he said, uh, "Yes gentlemen, they are on their way in, and no one can bring them back. For the sake of our country, and our way of life, I suggest you get the rest of SAC in after them. Otherwise, we will be totally destroyed by Red retaliation. Uh, my boys will give you the best kind of start, 1400 megatons worth, and you sure as hell won't stop them now, uhuh. Uh, so let's get going, there's no other choice. God willing, we will prevail, in peace and freedom from fear, and in true health, through the purity and essence of our natural... fluids. God bless you all" and he hung up.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Uh, we're, still trying to figure out the meaning of that last phrase, sir.
President Merkin Muffley: There's nothing to figure out, General Turgidson. This man is obviously a psychotic.
General "Buck" Turgidson: We-he-ell, uh, I'd like to hold off judgement on a thing like that, sir, until all the facts are in.
President Merkin Muffley: General Turgidson! When you instituted the human reliability tests, you *assured* me there was *no* possibility of such a thing *ever* occurring!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Well, I, uh, don't think it's quite fair to condemn a whole program because of a single slip-up, sir.
[after learning of the Doomsday Machine]
President Merkin Muffley: But this is absolute madness, Ambassador! Why should you *build* such a thing?
Ambassador de Sadesky: There were those of us who fought against it, but in the end we could not keep up with the expense involved in the arms race, the space race, and the peace race. At the same time our people grumbled for more nylons and washing machines. Our doomsday scheme cost us just a small fraction of what we had been spending on defense in a single year. The deciding factor was when we learned that your country was working along similar lines, and we were afraid of a doomsday gap.
President Merkin Muffley: This is preposterous. I've never approved of anything like that.
Ambassador de Sadesky: Our source was the New York Times.
General "Buck" Turgidson: If the pilot's good, see, I mean if he's reeeally sharp, he can barrel that baby in so low... oh you oughta see it sometime. It's a sight. A big plane like a '52... varrrooom! Its jet exhaust... frying chickens in the barnyard!
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Well, boys, we got three engines out, we got more holes in us than a horse trader's mule, the radio is gone and we're leaking fuel and if we was flying any lower why we'd need sleigh bells on this thing... but we got one little budge on them Rooskies. At this height why they might harpoon us but they dang sure ain't gonna spot us on no radar screen!
General Jack D. Ripper: Were you ever a prisoner of war?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well... yes I was, matter of fact, Jack. I was.
General Jack D. Ripper: Did they torture you?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Uh, yes they did. I was tortured by the Japanese. Jack, if you must know; not a pretty story.
General Jack D. Ripper: Well, what happened?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Oh, well, I don't know, Jack, difficult to think of under these conditions; but, well... what happened was they got me on the old Rangoon-Ichinawa railway. I was laying train lines for the bloody Japanese puff-puff's.
General Jack D. Ripper: No, I mean when they tortured you. Did you talk?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Ah, oh, no... well, I don't think they wanted me to talk really. I don't think they wanted me to say anything. It was just their way of having a bit of fun, the swines. Strange thing is they make such bloody good cameras.
President Merkin Muffley: You mean people could actually stay down there for a hundred years?
Dr. Strangelove: It would not be difficult, Mein Führer! Nuclear reactors could - heh, I'm sorry, Mr. President - nuclear reactors could provide power almost indefinitely. Greenhouses could maintain plant life. Animals could raised and *slaughtered*. A quick survey would have to be made of all the available mine sites in the country. But, I would guess, that a dwelling space for several 100,000 of our people could easily be provided.
President Merkin Muffley: Well, I would hate to have to decide who stays up and who goes down.
Dr. Strangelove: Well, that would not be necessary, Mr. President. It could easily be accomplished with a computer. And a computer could be set and programmed to accept factors of youth, health, sexual fertility, intelligence and a cross-section of necessary skills. Of course, it would be vital that top government and military men be included to foster and impart the required principles of leadership and tradition. Heil! Actually, they would breed prodigiously, yeah? There would be much time and little to do. With a proper breeding techniques and a ratio of, say, ten females to each male, I would guess that they could interact their way back to the present gross national product within, say, 20 years.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Well, boys, I reckon this is it - nuclear combat toe to toe with the Roosskies. Now look, boys, I ain't much of a hand at makin' speeches, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important is goin' on back there. And I got a fair idea the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinkin'. Heck, I reckon you wouldn't even be human bein's if you didn't have some pretty strong personal feelin's about nuclear combat. I want you to remember one thing, the folks back home is a-countin' on you and by golly, we ain't about to let 'em down. I tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I'd say that you're all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing's over with. That goes for ever' last one of you regardless of your race, color or your creed. Now let's get this thing on the hump - we got some flyin' to do.
[General Turgenson's phone rings in the war room]
General "Buck" Turgidson: Hello...
General "Buck" Turgidson: I told you never to call me here, don't you know where I am?... Well look, baby, I c-, I *can't* talk to you now... my president needs me!... Of *course* Bucky'd rather be there with you!... Of *course* it isn't only physical!... I deeply respect you as a human being... Some day I'm gonna make you *Mrs* Buck Turgidson!... Oh, listen uh, you go back to sleep hon, and Bucky'll be back there just as soon as he can... All right... listen, sug, don't forget to say your prayers!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, if I may speak freely, the Russkie talks big, but frankly, we think he's short of know how. I mean, you just can't expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys. And that's not meant as an insult, Mr. Ambassador, I mean, you take your average Russkie, we all know how much guts he's got. Hell, lookit all them Nazis killed off and they still wouldn't quit.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, about, uh, 35 minutes ago, General Jack Ripper, the commanding general of, uh, Burpelson Air Force Base, issued an order to the 34 B-52's of his Wing, which were airborne at the time as part of a special exercise we were holding called Operation Drop-Kick. Now, it appears that the order called for the planes to, uh, attack their targets inside Russia. The, uh, planes are fully armed with nuclear weapons with an average load of, um, 40 megatons each. Now, the central display of Russia will indicate the position of the planes. The triangles are their primary targets; the squares are their secondary targets. The aircraft will begin penetrating Russian radar cover within, uh, 25 minutes.
President Merkin Muffley: General Turgidson, I find this very difficult to understand. I was under the impression that I was the only one in authority to order the use of nuclear weapons.
General "Buck" Turgidson: That's right, sir, you are the only person authorized to do so. And although I, uh, hate to judge before all the facts are in, it's beginning to look like, uh, General Ripper exceeded his authority.
[Turgidson advocates a further nuclear attack to prevent a Soviet response to Ripper's attack]
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, we are rapidly approaching a moment of truth both for ourselves as human beings and for the life of our nation. Now, truth is not always a pleasant thing. But it is necessary now to make a choice, to choose between two admittedly regrettable, but nevertheless *distinguishable*, postwar environments: one where you got twenty million people killed, and the other where you got a hundred and fifty million people killed.
President Merkin Muffley: You're talking about mass murder, General, not war!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You wanna know what I think?
Colonel "Bat" Guano: I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. I think General Ripper found out about your preversion, and that you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now MOVE!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Hmm... Strangelove? What kind of a name is that? That ain't no Kraut name is it, Stainesey?
Mr. Staines: He changed it when he became a citizen. Used to be Merkwürdigliebe.
[the German word for "Strangelove"]
General "Buck" Turgidson: Well, a Kraut by any other name, uh Stainesey?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: [trying to pay for his phone call] Just one second, operator.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: They won't accept the call. Have you got 55 cents?
Colonel "Bat" Guano: What, you don't think I'd go into combat with loose change in my pocket, do you?
[Strangelove admits that he investigated making such a machine]
Dr. Strangelove: Based on the findings of the report, my conclusion was that this idea was not a practical deterrent for reasons which at this moment must be all too obvious.
General Jack D. Ripper: Your Commie has no regard for human life, not even his own. And for this reason, men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme watchfulness. The enemy may come individually, or he may come in strength. He may even come in the uniform of our own troops. But however he comes, we must stop him. We must not allow him to gain entrance to this base. Now, I'm going to give you THREE SIMPLE rules: First, trust NO one, whatever his uniform or rank, unless he is known to you personally; Second, anyone or anything that approaches within 200 yards of the perimeter is to be FIRED UPON; Third, if in doubt, shoot first then ask questions afterward. I would sooner accept a few casualties through accidents rather losing the entire base and its personnel through carelessness. Any variation of these rules must come from me personally. Any variation on these rules must come from me personally. Now, men, in conclusion, I would like to say that, in the two years it has been my privilege to be your commanding officer, I have always expected the best from you, and you have never given me anything less than that. Today, the nation is counting on us. We're not going to let them down. Good luck to you all.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Do I look all rancid and clotted? You look at me, Jack. Eh? Look, eh? And I drink a lot of water, you know. I'm what you might call a water man, Jack - that's what I am. And I can swear to you, my boy, swear to you, that there's nothing wrong with my bodily fluids. Not a thing, Jackie.
Miss Scott: It's 3 o'clock in the morning!
General "Buck" Turgidson: Weh-heh-heh-ll, the Air Force never sleeps.
Miss Scott: Buck, honey, I'm not sleepy either...
General "Buck" Turgidson: I know how it is, baby. Tell you what you do: you just start your countdown, and old Bucky'll be back here before you can say "Blast off!"
President Merkin Muffley: And why haven't you radioed the planes countermanding the go-code?
General "Buck" Turgidson: Well, I'm afraid we're unable to communicate with any of the aircraft.
President Merkin Muffley: Why?
General "Buck" Turgidson: As you may recall, sir, one of the provisions of Plan 'R' provides that once the go-code is received, the normal SSB Radios in the aircraft are switched into a special coded device which I believe is designated as CRM-114. Now, in order to prevent the enemy from issuing fake or confusing orders, CRM-114 is designed not to receive at all - unless the message is preceded by the correct three-letter recall code group prefix.
President Merkin Muffley: Then do you mean to tell me, General Turgidson, that you will be unable to recall the aircraft?
General "Buck" Turgidson: That's about the size of it. However, we are plowing through every possible three-letter combination of the code. But since there are 17,000 permutations... it's going to take us about two-and-a-half days to transmit them all.
President Merkin Muffley: How soon did you say our planes will be entering Russian radar cover?
General "Buck" Turgidson: About 18 minutes from now, sir.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Is that the Russian ambassador you're talking about?
President Merkin Muffley: Yes it is, General.
General "Buck" Turgidson: A-A-Am I to understand the *Russian* ambassador is to be admitted entrance to th-the War Room?
President Merkin Muffley: That is correct, he is here on my orders.
General "Buck" Turgidson: I... I don't know exactly how to put this, sir, but are you aware of what a serious breach of security that would be? I mean, he'll see everything, he'll... he'll see the Big Board!
Major T. J. "King" Kong: I don't give a hoot in Hell how you do it, you just get me to the Primary, ya hear!
President Merkin Muffley: I'm afraid I don't understand something, Alexi. Is your premier threatening to explode this if our planes succeed in carrying out their attack?
Ambassador de Sadesky: No, sir! It is not a thing a sane man would do. The doomsday machine is designed to to trigger itself automatically.
President Merkin Muffley: But surely you can disarm it somehow.
Ambassador de Sadesky: No! It is designed to explode if any attempt is ever made to untrigger it!
President Merkin Muffley: Automatically?
General "Buck" Turgidson: It's an obvious Commie trick, Mr. President. We are wasting valuable time! Look at the big board, they're getting ready to clobber us!
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Well, shoot! We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the drink. What's the nearest target opportunity?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Erm, what about the planes, sir? Surely we must issue the recall code immediately.
General Jack D. Ripper: Group Captain, the planes are not gonna be recalled. My attack orders have been issued, and the orders stand.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, if you'll excuse me saying so, sir, that would be, to my way of thinking, rather... well, rather an odd way of looking at it. You see, if a Russian attack was in progress, we would certainly not be hearing civilian broadcast.
General Jack D. Ripper: Are you certain of that, Mandrake?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Oh, I'm absolutely positive about it.
General Jack D. Ripper: And what if it is true?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, I'm afraid I'm still not with you, sir, because, I mean, if a Russian attack was not in progress, then your use of Plan R - in fact, your order to the entire Wing... Oh. I would say, sir, that there were something dreadfully wrong somewhere.
General Jack D. Ripper: Now why don't you just take it easy, Group Captain, and please make me a drink of grain alcohol and rainwater, and help yourself to whatever you'd like.
[Mandrake snaps to attention and salutes]
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: General Ripper, Sir, as an officer in Her Majesty's Air Force, it is my clear duty, under the present circumstances, to issue the recall code, upon my own authority, and bring back the Wing. If you'll excuse me, sir.
[He finds the doors locked]
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: I'm afraid, sir, I must ask you for the key, and the recall code. Have you got them handy, sir?
[discussing the Doomsday machine]
President Merkin Muffley: How is it possible for this thing to be triggered automatically and at the same time impossible to untrigger?
Dr. Strangelove: Mr. President, it is not only possible, it is essential. That is the whole idea of this machine, you know. Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy... the FEAR to attack. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision-making process which rules out human meddling, the Doomsday machine is terrifying and simple to understand... and completely credible and convincing.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: If you don't put that gun away and stop this stupid nonsense, the court of Enquiry on this'll give you such a pranging, you'll be lucky if you end up wearing the uniform of a bloody toilet attendant.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: [on the final bomb run] All set. Check bomb door circuits one through four.
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: [as he flips each switch] Uh... bomb door circuits negative function. The lights are all red.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Switch into backup circuits.
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: Backup circuits are switched on. Still negative function.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Engage emergency power.
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: Emergency power is on. Still negative, sir.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Operate manual override.
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: Roger.
[there is a pause as Zogg begins turning a small wheel device on the panel, but the 'closed' bomb door lights continue to flash]
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: Manuel override negative function. I think the cable link to the override must be sheared away.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: [getting frustrated] Fire the explosive bolts!
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: Roger...
[Zogg pushes the buttons for the explosive bolts to blow the bomb doors open, but the 'closed' light continues to blink]
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: Negative, sir. The operating circuits are dead, sir.
General "Buck" Turgidson: [Gesturing to the Big Board] When the Russians see that on their radar, they are going to go absolutely ***APE***.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Stay on the bomb run, boys! I'm gonna get them doors open if it harelips ever'body on Bear Creek!
Narrator: For more than a year, ominous rumors had been privately circulating among high-level Western leaders that the Soviet Union had been at work on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon: a doomsday device. Intelligence sources traced the site of the top secret Russian project to the perpetually fog-shrouded wasteland below the Arctic peaks of the Zhokhov Islands. What they were building or why it should be located in such a remote and desolate place no one could say.
General Jack D. Ripper: Now, I don't *avoid* women, Mandrake, but I *do* deny them my essence!
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: [on a pay phone] Operator, this is Group Captain Mandrake at Burpelson Air Force Base. Something urgent has come up and I want you to place an emergency person-to-person call with the President Merkin Muffley in the Pentagon, Washington, DC. - - Burpelson 39180. - - No, I'm perfectly serious, Operator. - The President, yes. The President of the United States. - Oh, I'm sorry, I haven't got enough change. Uh. Could you - uh, could you make this a collect call, Operator?
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: Hey, what about Major Kong?
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Wahoo! Waawaahaa! Wawahoo!
President Merkin Muffley: [on the phone with the Soviet Premier] I guess you're just going to have to get that plane, Dimitri. Dimitri, I'm sorry that jamming your radar and flying so low; but, they're trained to do it. You know, it's - it's initiative!
President Merkin Muffley: [on the phone with the Soviet Premier] Listen, I mean, it's not going to help either one of us if a Doomsday Machine goes off, now is it? - - Well, Dimitri, there's no point in you getting *hysterical* at a moment like this!
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Goldie, how many times have I told you guys that I don't want no horsing around on the airplane?
General Jack D. Ripper: The base is being put on Condition Red. I want this flashed to all sections immediately.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Condition Red, sir, yes, jolly good idea. That keeps the men on their toes.
General Jack D. Ripper: Group Captain, I'm afraid this is not an exercise.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Not an exercise, sir?
General Jack D. Ripper: I shouldn't tell you this, Mandrake, but you're a good officer and you've a right to know. It looks like we're in a shooting war.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Oh, hell. Are the Russians involved, sir?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Is it that bad, sir?
General Jack D. Ripper: Looks like it's pretty hairy.
Ambassador de Sadesky: The fools. The mad fools.
President Merkin Muffley: What's happened?
Ambassador de Sadesky: The doomsday machine.
President Merkin Muffley: The doomsday machine? What is that?
Ambassador de Sadesky: A device which will destroy all human and animal life on earth.
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, I suppose it never occurred to you - that while we're chatting here so enjoyably, a decision is being made by the President and the Joint Chiefs in the War Room at the Pentagon. And when they realize there is no possibility of recalling the wing - - there will be only one course of action open: total commitment.
Aid calling Soviet Premier Dimitri Kissov: We haven't been able to reach Premier Kissov in the Kremlin. They say they don't know where he is and he won't be back for another two hours.
Ambassador de Sadesky: Try B86543 Moscow.
Aid calling Soviet Premier Dimitri Kissov: Yes sir.
Aid calling Soviet Premier Dimitri Kissov: You would have never have found him at his office, Mr. President. Our Premier is a man of the people, but he is also - a man. If you follow my meaning.
Lieutenant Lothar Zogg: Major Kong, is it possible this is some kind of loyalty test, you know, give the go-code and, then, recall, to see who would actually go?
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Ain't nobody ever got the go-code yet. And ol' Ripper wouldn't given us Plan R unless them Russkies had already clobbered Washington and a lot of other towns with a sneak attack.
General Jack D. Ripper: Water is the source of all life. Seven tenths of this earth's surface is water. Why do you realize that 70% of you is water? And as human beings, you and I need fresh, pure water - to replenish our precious bodily fluids. Are you beginning to understand?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: [nervously] Yes.
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water or rainwater? And only pure grain alcohol?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Well, it did occur to me, Jack, yes.
General Jack D. Ripper: Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation - fluoridation of water?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Jack, yes, I have heard of that, Jack. Yes.
General Jack D. Ripper: Well, do you know what it is?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: No, I don't know what it is.
General Jack D. Ripper: Do you realise that fluoridation - is the most monstrously-conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, come over here. The Redcoats are coming!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: If you try any preversions in there I'll blow your head off.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Our studies show that even the worst fallout is down to a safe level after two weeks!
Ambassador de Sadesky: You've obviously never heard of cobalt chlorium G.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Well, what about it?
Ambassador de Sadesky: Cobalt chlorine G has a radioactive half-life of 93 years. If you take, say, 50 H-bombs in 100 megaton range and jacket them with cobalt chlorium G - when they are exploded, they will produce a doomsday shroud. An evil cloud of radioactivity which will encircle the earth for 93 years!
General "Buck" Turgidson: What a load of Commie bull.
General Jack D. Ripper: [pulls out a machine gun hidden in his golf bag] Cover over here and help me with this belt.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: I, eh, I haven't had very much experience, you know, with those sort of machines, Jack. I only ever pressed a button in my old Spitfire.
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, in the name of Her Majesty and the Continental Congress come here and feed me this belt, boy!
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: [becoming increasingly nervous] Jack, I'd love to come. But, what's happened, you see, is the string in my leg's gone.
General Jack D. Ripper: The what?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: The string. I never told you, but you see, I've got a gammy leg. Oh dear. Gone. Shot off.
[Ripper karate-chops the receiver, cycling the action]
General Jack D. Ripper: Mandrake, come over here. The Red Coats are coming! Come on!
Dr. Strangelove: Mr. President, I would not rule out the chance to preserve a nucleus of human specimens. It would be quite easy. At the bottom of some of our deeper mine shafts. The radioactivity would never penetrate a mine thousands of feet deep. In a matter of weeks, sufficient improvements in dwelling space could easily be provided.
President Merkin Muffley: How long would we stay down there?
Dr. Strangelove: Well, let's see now, eh, cobalt chlorium G, eh, a radioactive half-life of, eh, I would think that possibly, eh, 100 years.
President Merkin Muffley: [on the phone with the Soviet Premier] We'll keep our fingers crossed, Dimitri, and remember just this one thing: we are all in this together. We're right behind you, Dimitri. We're with you all the way.
President Merkin Muffley: [on phone with Dmitri] No. No, Dimitri, there must be some mistake. No, I'm certain of that. I'm perfectly certain of that, Dimitri. Just a second.
[puts down phone]
President Merkin Muffley: You know what he says? He says that one of the planes hasn't turned back. He says according to information forwarded by our air staff, it's headed for the missile complex at Lapuda.
General "Buck" Turgidson: Why...
General "Buck" Turgidson: That's impossible, Mr. President. I mean, look at the big board! Thirty-four planes, thirty recalls acknowledged, and four splashes, and one of them was targeted for Lapuda!
President Merkin Muffley: Dimitri? Look, we've got an acknowledgement from every plane except the four you've shot down.
President Merkin Muffley: Oh. Oh.
[puts down the phone]
President Merkin Muffley: He says...
[realizes Dimitri's still on the line, brings it back up]
President Merkin Muffley: Hang on a second, Dimitri.
President Merkin Muffley: He says their air staff now only claims three aircraft confirmed. The fourth may only be damaged.
General "Buck" Turgidson: [narrows eyes, looks suspicious] Mr. President, I'm beginning to smell a big, fat Commie rat! I mean, supposin' Kissov is lying about that fourth plane, just lookin' for an excuse to clobber us. I mean, if the spaghetti hits the fan, now, we're in trouble.
[the men inside the War Room cheer as the big board shows the OPE code being recalled from the bombers]
General Buck Turgidson: [Whistling loudly] Gentlemen, gentlemen!
[Everyone falls silent]
General Buck Turgidson: Ah, gentlemen, Mr. President, I'm not a sentimentalist at all, by nature, but I think I know what's in every heart in this room. I think we ought to all just bow our heads and give a short prayer of thanks for our deliverance. Uh, Lord, we have heard the wings of the angel of death fluttering over our heads from the valley of fear. You have seen fit to deliver us from the forces of evil...
Mr. Staines: Excuse me sir, Premier Kissov's calling again and he's hopping mad!
[de Sadesky enters the War Room in a great coat, finishes the contents of a drinking glass, and places the glass on a banquet table covered with an ornate array of meats, breads, and pies]
Ambassador de Sadesky: You don't have any fresh fish?
Waiter: I'm afraid not, sir.
Ambassador de Sadesky: Your eggs, then, they are fresh?
Waiter: Oh, yes, sir.
Ambassador de Sadesky: I will have poached eggs. And bring me some cigars, please. Havana cigars.
Waiter: That will be all for you sir?
Ambassador de Sadesky: Yes.
Waiter: Then I'll see to it right away.
Gen. Faceman: Try one of these Jamaican cigars, ambassador, they're pretty good.
Ambassador de Sadesky: Thank you, no. I do not support the work of imperialist stooges.
[de Sadesky walks away]
Gen. Faceman: Oh, only commie stooges, huh?
Major T. J. "King" Kong: There will be some important promotions and citations when we come through this. That goes for every last one of you, regardless of your race, your color, or your creed!
[Window in Ripper's office is shot through by automatic weapons fire]
General Jack D. Ripper: [Walks to window] Two can play at this game, soldier!
[Immediately, more rounds ricochet through the office, cutting down the overhead desk lamp]
General Jack D. Ripper: That's nice shooting, soldier!
Navigator: Sir, if we continue to lose fuel at the present rate, I estimate we only have thirty-eight minutes flying time which will not even take us as far as the primary.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Dogonnit, Sweets, you told me that you'd get me to the primary!
Navigator: I'm sorry, sir. That estimate was based on the original loss rate factor, not at two zero five.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: I don't give a hoot in hell how you do it, you just get me to the primary, you hear?
Navigator: I'm sorry sir, but those are the figures. We'll be luck to reach weather ship at tango delta.
Major T. J. "King" Kong: Well... shoot. We ain't come this far just to dump this thing in the drink.