Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Cruikshank...?
Adam Canfield: Yes.
Reggie Lampert: But you're divorced.
Adam Canfield: No...
Reggie Lampert: [Regina's face falls] Oh.
Adam Canfield: [Brian/Adam gets out his wallet to show her the picture] My mother, she lives in Detroit, you'd like her, she'd like you too.
Reggie Lampert: You're blocking my view.
Peter Joshua: Ohh... which view would you prefer?
Reggie Lampert: The one you're blocking.
Reggie Lampert: Of course, you won't be able to lie on your back for a while but then you can lie from any position, can't you?
Peter Joshua: Do we know each other?
Reggie Lampert: Why, do you think we're going to?
Peter Joshua: How would I know?
Reggie Lampert: Because I already know an awful lot of people, so until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else.
Peter Joshua: Well, if anyone goes on the critical list, let me know.
Reggie Lampert: Well, wasn't it Shakespeare that said, "When strangers do meet in far off lands, they should e'er long see each other again"?
Peter Joshua: Shakespeare never said that!
Reggie Lampert: How do you know?
Peter Joshua: It's terrible. You just made it up.
Reggie Lampert: Well, it sounds right...
Alexander Dyle: All right, get set for the story of my life.
Reggie Lampert: Fiction or non-fiction?
Adam Canfield: Well, what did you expect me to say? That a pretty girl with an outrageous manner means more to an old pro like me than a quarter of a million dollars?
Reggie Lampert: I don't suppose so.
Adam Canfield: Well, it's a toss-up, I can tell you that.
Reggie Lampert: What did you say?
Adam Canfield: Hasn't it occurred to you that I'm having a tough time keeping my hands off you?
[Regina is stunned]
Adam Canfield: Oh, you should see your face.
Reggie Lampert: What's the matter with it?
Adam Canfield: It's lovely.
[Regina drops her knife and fork]
Adam Canfield: What's the matter now?
Reggie Lampert: I'm not hungry anymore; isn't it glorious?
Alexander Dyle: What do I have to do to satisfy you? Become the next victim?
Reggie Lampert: That's a start anyway.
Reggie Lampert: Not until you proof to me that you're really Brian Crookshank.
Brian Crookshank: All right, one day next week I'll put it on a marriage license. How about that...?
Reggie Lampert: [interrupting] Quit stalling. I want some identification, now!
Brian Crookshank: I wouldn't lie on a license. I could go to jail...
Reggie Lampert: [interrupting] You can't prove it to me, can you? You're still trying to - Marriage license! Did you say marriage license?
Brian Crookshank: Now don't change the subject, just give me the stamps.
Reggie Lampert: Oh! Oh, I love you Adam, Alex, Peter, Brian, whatever your name is. Oh, I love you. I hope we have a lot of boys and we can name them all after you.
Brian Crookshank: Before we start that, may I have the stamps?
[Gideon is looking at Charles' body in the coffin and begins to sneeze violently]
Sylvie Gaudel: He must've known Charles pretty well.
Reggie Lampert: How can you tell?
Sylvie Gaudel: He's allergic to him.
Peter Joshua: [opening the phone booth to see Regina]
Peter Joshua: What are you doing in here?
Reggie Lampert: I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Inspector Grandpierre: Tell me, Mister Dyle. Where were you at 3:30 a.m.?
Adam Canfield: In my room. Asleep.
Inspector Grandpierre: And you, Mrs. Lampert?
Reggie Lampert: I was, too.
Inspector Grandpierre: In Mister Dyle's room?
Reggie Lampert: No, in my room.
Inspector Grandpierre: Obviously you're telling the truth, for why would you invent such a ridiculous story?
Reggie Lampert: This is a ludicrous situation. I can think of a dozen men who are just longing to use my shower.
Sylvie: It is infuriating that your unhappiness does not turn to fat!
[Touching the cleft in his chin]
Reggie Lampert: How do you shave in there?
Reggie Lampert: So it's goodbye Alexander Dyle and welcome home Peter Joshua.
Adam Canfield: [shakes his head] Sorry the name is Adam Canfield.
Reggie Lampert: Adam Canfield? Wonderful! Do you realize you've had three names in the past two days? I don't even know who I'm talking to any more!
Adam Canfield: We didn't steal it, there's no law against stealing stolen money.
Reggie Lampert: Of course there is!
Adam Canfield: There is?
Reggie Lampert: Yes!
Adam Canfield: When did they pass such a silly law?
[the third murder has just been discovered]
Inspector Grandpierre: Three of them. All in their pyjamas? C'est ridicule! What is it, some new American fad?
Peter Joshua: Why do you think Tex did it?
Reggie Lampert: Because I really suspect Gideon and it's always the person you don't suspect.
Peter Joshua: Do women find it feminine to be so illogical, or can't they help it?
Reggie Lampert: I'm in the book.
Peter Joshua: Are you?
Reggie Lampert: Charles is.
Peter Joshua: Is there only one Charles Lampert?
Reggie Lampert: Lord I hope so!
Reggie Lampert: Silvie, I am going to get a divorce.
Sylvie: From Charles?
Reggie Lampert: He's the only one husband I have.
Reggie Lampert: [explaining a puppet show] The man and woman are married.
Peter Joshua: I can see that. They're batting each other over the head.
Jean-Louis Gaudet: Oh, la!
Reggie Lampert: Don't tell me, you didn't know it was loaded. Sylvie! Oh. Can't he do something constructive, like start an avalanche or something?
Peter Joshua: How about making me vice president in charge of cheering you up?
Reggie Lampert: [pondering] Is there a Mrs. Dyle?
Alexander Dyle: Yes...
[Reggie's face drops]
Alexander Dyle: but we're divorced!
Reggie Lampert: [Reggie smirks] I thought that was Peter Joshua?
Alexander Dyle: I am just as difficult to live with as he was.
Reggie Lampert: Come in. I've got something that stings like crazy.
Alexander Dyle: You're the kind of girl who'd have something like that.
Peter Joshua: Is there a Mr. Lampert?
Reggie Lampert: Yes.
Peter Joshua: Good for you.
Reggie Lampert: No it isn't, I'm getting a divorce.
Peter Joshua: Please! Not on my account.
Reggie Lampert: Brian Crookshank. Serves me right if I get stuck with that one.
Brian Crookshank: Well, who asked you to get stuck with any of them?
Peter Joshua: How would you like a spanking?
Reggie Lampert: How would you like a punch in the nose? Stop treating me like a child.
[Tearing filter off cigarette]
Reggie Lampert: I can't stand these things... it's like drinking coffee through a veil.
Inspector Grandpierre: We use the guillotine in this country. I have always imagined that the blade, coming down, causes no more than a slight tickling sensation on the back of the neck. It is only a guess, of course. I hope none of you ever finds out for certain.
Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Canfield?
Adam Canfield: Yes...
Tex Panthollow: She batted them pretty little eyes at you, and you fell for it like an egg from a tall chicken!
Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Joshua?
Peter Joshua: Yes, but we are divorced.
Reggie Lampert: Oh, that wasn't a proposal. I'm just curious.
Hamilton Bartholomew: [watching Reggie light another one of his cigarettes, immediately after snuffing one out she had barely puffed] Do you know what these things cost over here?
[after Dyle sees Herman Scobie hanging from the edge of the building]
Alexander Dyle: How are you doing?
Herman Scobie: HOW DO YOU THINK?
Alexander Dyle: If you get bored, try writing 'Love Thy Neighbor' a hundred times on the side of the building!
Reggie Lampert: We'll have lots of sons and name them all after you.
Reggie Lampert: Here it comes, the fatherly talk. You forget I'm already a widow.
Peter Joshua: Well, so was Juliet, at fifteen.
Reggie Lampert: I'm not fifteen.
Peter Joshua: Well, that's your trouble. You're too old for me.
Alexander Dyle: [Reggie is sitting on his lap and kissing him] Reggie, cut it out.
Reggie Lampert: OK.
[stops kissing him]
Alexander Dyle: Well now what are you doing?
Reggie Lampert: Cutting it out.
Alexander Dyle: Who told you to do that?
Reggie Lampert: You did.
Alexander Dyle: Oh I'm not through protesting yet.
Reggie Lampert: [smirks] Oh.
[resumes kissing him]
Alexander Dyle: Cut it out.
Reggie Lampert: Alex, I think I love you.
Sylvie: I don't understand. Why do you want a divorce?
Reggie Lampert: Because I don't love him and he doesn't love me.
Sylvie: That's no reason to get a divorce!
Man in Elevator: I bluffed the Old Man out of the last pot. With a pair of deuces.
Man in Elevator: What's so depressing about that?
Man in Elevator: Well, I mean, if I can do it, what are the Russians doing to him?
Reggie Lampert: Hello, Mr. Dyle.
Alexander Dyle: Reggie?
Reggie Lampert: Well, that's the only name I've got.
Inspector Grandpierre: This nose tells me when you are lying. It is never mistaken, not in 23 years. This nose will make me commissioner of police.
Leopold Gideon: Well, you know I'd tell you if I had it.
Tex Panthollow: Oh *naturally*, just like I'd tell you if I had it.
Leopold Gideon: *Naturally*. And that goes for Herman too.
Reggie Lampert: Why do people have to tell lies?
Peter Joshua: Usually it's because they want something. They are afraid the truth won't get it for them.
Reggie Lampert: You know, I can't help feeling sorry for Scobie. Wouldn't it be nice if we were like that?
Peter Joshua: What, like Scobie?
Reggie Lampert: No, Gene Kelly.
Reggie Lampert: Any minute now we could be assassinated. Would you do anything like that?
Peter Joshua: What, assassinate someone?
Reggie Lampert: No, swing down from there on a rope to save the woman you love. Like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Peter Joshua: [turns and sees Notre Dame] What? Who put that there?
Reggie Lampert: I'm sorry I thought you were the murderer.
Jean-Louis Gaudet: Are you a real cowboy?
Tex Panthollow: Sure am, kid.
Jean-Louis Gaudet: So where's your gun?
[Tex takes out his gun and twirls it]
Leopold Gideon: Will you put that thing away!
Brian Crookshank: Before we start that, can I have the stamps?
Hamilton Bartholomew: I've got something here. I've got liverwurst, liverwurst, chicken, and liverwurst.
Reggie Lampert: No, thank you.
Reggie Lampert: I'm sorry.
Mr. Felix - Stamp Dealer: No, for a few minutes, they were mine. That is enough.
Sylvie: That's no reason to get a divorce! With a rich husband and this year's clothes, you won't find it difficult to make some new friends.
Reggie Lampert: Look, I admit I came to Paris to escape American Provincial, but that doesn't mean I'm ready for French Traditional.
Reggie Lampert: Which one are you?
Peter Joshua: A truthful white-foot.
Reggie Lampert: Come in. Sit down.
Peter Joshua: Why, do you want to look at my feet?
Reggie Lampert: Yes.
[sits on his lap]
Hamilton Bartholomew: Stop, Mrs. Lampert, or I'll kill you!
Adam Canfield: It won't get you the stamps, Dyle. You'll still have to come out, and I'm not likely to miss at this range.
Hamilton Bartholomew: Maybe not, but it takes a lot of bullets to kill me. They left me there with five in my leg and my stomach. They knew I was alive, but they left me there. I spent ten months in a German prison camp with nothing to stop the pain. They left me there. They deserved to die.
Adam Canfield: But I had nothing to do with it.
Hamilton Bartholomew: You've got the money now. It belongs to me. Mrs. Lampert, they knew I was alive, but they left me there. That's why I had to kill them. All four of them. Please believe me: I'll kill you too. It won't make any difference... I've come too far to turn back. I swear I'll kill you!
Tex Panthollow: Oh, poor old Herman. It seems like him and good luck always was strangers. Well, maybe now he'll meet up with his other hand some place.
Tex Panthollow: Come on. My mama didn't raise no stupid children.
Inspector Grandpierre: [Offering advice to Reggie and Mr. Dyle, after three murdered people have been found, all wearing pajamas] And if I were you, I wouldn't stay in my pajamas. Good night.
Hamilton Bartholomew: Mrs. Lampert, do you know what C.I.A. is?
Reggie Lampert: I don't suppose it's an airline, is it?
Reggie Lampert: Oh, I don't know who anybody is...
Adam Canfield: Reggie, I beg you. Just trust me once more.
Reggie Lampert: Why should I?
Adam Canfield: [slight pause] I can't think of a reason in the world why you should.
Mr. Felix - Stamp Dealer: [Describing the stamps to Reggie] Ah, the best for last. Le chef d'oeuvre de la collection. The masterpiece. The most valuable stamp in the world. It's called the Gazette Maldave. It was printed by hand on colored paper... and marked with the initials of the printer. Today it has a value of 100,000 dollars.
Mr. Felix - Stamp Dealer: I'm not a thief, madame. I knew there was some mistake...
Reggie Lampert: Do you understand French?
Peter Joshua: Not a word. I'm still having trouble with English.
Reggie Lampert: Are you really Carson Dyle's brother?
Alexander Dyle: Would you like to see my passport?
Reggie Lampert: Passport? What kind of proof is that?
Alexander Dyle: Well, would you like to see where I was tattooed?
Reggie Lampert: Yes.
Alexander Dyle: All right. We'll drive around that way.
Reggie Lampert: [groans]
Adam Canfield: All right, get set for the story of my life.
Reggie Lampert: Fiction or non-fiction?
Adam Canfield: Eh, why don't you shut up?
Reggie Lampert: Well!
Adam Canfield: Are you going to listen?
Reggie Lampert: Go on...
Adam Canfield: Now, when I was a young man, my father expected me to go into his business. Umbrella frames. That's what he made. A sensible business, I suppose, but I didn't have the sense in those days to be sensible.
Reggie Lampert: [looking skeptical] I suppose all this is leading somewhere...
Adam Canfield: Well, it led me away from umbrella frames, for one thing. But that left me without any honest means of support.
Reggie Lampert: What do you mean?
Adam Canfield: Well, in this highly competitive world, when a man has no profession, there isn't much choice, so I began looking for people who had more money than they needed... including some they'd barely miss.
Reggie Lampert: You mean you're a thief?
Adam Canfield: Well, that's not exactly the term I'd have chosen, but it sort of captures the spirit of the thing.
Reggie Lampert: I don't believe it!
Reggie Lampert: Alex, how can you tell if anyone's lying or not?
Alexander Dyle: You can't.
Reggie Lampert: There must be some way.
Alexander Dyle: No, no. There's an old riddle about two tribes of Indians. The Whitefeet always tell the truth, and the Blackfeet always lie. So one day you meet an Indian. You say, "Hey, Indian, what are you, a truthful Whitefoot or a lying Blackfoot? He says, "I'm a truthful Whitefoot." But which is he?
Reggie Lampert: Well, why couldn't you just look at his feet?
Alexander Dyle: Because he's wearing moccasins.
Reggie Lampert: Well, then he's a truthful Whitefoot, of course.
Alexander Dyle: Well, why not a lying Blackfoot?
Reggie Lampert: Which one are you?
Alexander Dyle: A truthful Whitefoot.
Reggie Lampert: [as he's rubbing her feet in the cab] You didn't have to chase me so hard... I'm sorry I thought you were the murderer. But how was I to know he was as big a liar as you are?
Adam Canfield: Is that all the gratitude I get for saving your hide? Here, rub your own blinking foot!
Reggie Lampert: Mr. Bartholomew, if you're trying to frighten me... you're doing a first-rate job.
Hamilton Bartholomew: Charles Voss stole $250,000 from the United States government. I'm afraid we want it back.
Reggie Lampert: But *I* don't have it.
Hamilton Bartholomew: That's impossible, Mrs. Lampert. You're the only one who *could* have it.
Reggie Lampert: Mr. Bartholomew, if I had a quarter of a million dollars, believe me, I'd *know* it.
Hamilton Bartholomew: Nevertheless, Mrs. Lampert, you've got it.