One, Two, Three (1961)
Quotes
Borodenko: When will papers be ready?
C.R. Macnamara: I'll put my secretary right to work on it.
Mishkin: Your secretary? She's that blonde lady?
C.R. Macnamara: That's the one.
Peripetchikoff: [after conferring with the others] You will send papers to East Berlin with blonde lady in triplicate.
C.R. Macnamara: You want the papers in triplicate, or the blonde in triplicate?
Peripetchikoff: See what you can do.
Peripetchikoff: But if I defect, you know what they will do to my family? They will line them up against the wall and shoot them! My wife, and my mother-in-law, and my sister-in-law, and my brother-in-law.
[pauses]
Peripetchikoff: Comrades, let's do it!
Scarlet: Do you realize that Otto spelled backwards is Otto?
Phyllis MacNamara: How about that?
Scarlet: You'll like him. He looks just like Jack Kennedy, only he's younger and he has more upstairs.
Phyllis MacNamara: More brains?
Scarlet: More *hair*. And of course, ideologically, he's much sounder.
Phyllis MacNamara: Maybe we voted for the wrong man.
Scarlet: That couldn't happen in Russia.
Phyllis MacNamara: They don't make mistakes.
Scarlet: They don't *vote*.
Otto: I'll pick you up at 6:30 sharp, because the 7 o'clock train to Moscow leaves promptly at 8:15.
C.R. MacNamara: You know something? You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.
Peripetchikoff: Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.
C.R. MacNamara: What were you doing in East Berlin?
Scarlet: You mean last night?
C.R. MacNamara: I mean *all* those nights.
Scarlet: You see, there's this boy over there. Wow!
C.R. MacNamara: What boy? What have you been up to?
Scarlet: Well, I met him about six weeks ago. I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me.
C.R. MacNamara: Arrest you?
Scarlet: Because I was taking pictures. And then there was this boy -- he was in the parade, he said to the police man I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied, because I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. So naturally, I fell in love with him.
C.R. MacNamara: [voiceover] Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious. Others were suspicious and rude.
C.R. MacNamara: Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad.
Scarlet: So you just tell Daddy I'm on my way to the U.S.S.R. That's short for Russia.
C.R. MacNamara: Are you out of your seventeen-year-old mind? Russia is to get out of, not to get into!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Is everybody in this world corrupt?
Peripetchikoff: I don't know everybody.
C.R. MacNamara: They're staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin. You know where that is?
Fritz: Yes, sir. It used to be the Great Hotel Goring, and before that, it was the Great Hotel Bismarck.
[First line, voiceover]
C.R. MacNamara: On Sunday, August 13th, 1961, the eyes of America were on the nation's capital, where Roger Maris was hitting home runs #44 and 45 against the Senators. On that same day, without any warning, the East German Communists sealed off the border between East and West Berlin. I only mention this to show the kind of people we're dealing with - REAL SHIFTY!
C.R. MacNamara: It's that damned German efficiency.
Otto: [bursts into room wearing boxers, shirt, tie and morning coat] I'm going to like this job!
C.R. MacNamara: It's about time you started cooperating.
Otto: You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!
C.R. MacNamara: Put your pants on, Spartacus!
Phyllis MacNamara: She married a communist? That's going to be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta since General Sherman threw that little barbecue. No, I don't think it's funny. They're going to live in Moscow? Now, that's funny!
C.R. MacNamara: Schlemmer, I want all those people out there to drop everything and stand by for orders! General alarm, complete mobilization!
Schlemmer: Ah, like the good old days, yes, sir!
[But later, Schlemmer recognizes the reporter Untermeyer (played by Til Kiwe)]
Schlemmer: Herr Oberleutnant!
C.R. MacNamara: You two know each other?
Schlemmer: He was my commanding officer.
C.R. MacNamara: In the subway?
Schlemmer: No, after that, when I was drafted.
C.R. MacNamara: Aha! Gestapo!
Schlemmer: No, no, SS.
C.R. MacNamara: Ten minutes early! That's a hell of a way to run an airline! Planes are supposed to be late, not early!
Peripetchikoff: We have emergency meeting with Swiss Trade Delegation. They send us twenty car-loads of cheese. Totally unacceptable... full of holes.
Otto: They have assigned us a magnificent apartment. Just a short walk from the bathroom.
Pierre: [In French acccent] Madame, I appeal to you as a woman...
Phyllis MacNamara: As a matter of fact you do. Au revoir!
Scarlet: Countess? That means everybody has to curtsy to me, except maybe Grace Kelly.
C.R. MacNamara: Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war?
Schlemmer: I was in der Untergrund: the underground.
C.R. MacNamara: Resistance fighter?
Schlemmer: No, motorman. In the underground, you know, the subway.
[Otto muddles his coached answers]
Wendell P. Hazeltine: How is the situation here in Berlin?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: It shouldn't happen to a dog! Uh, I - I mean, it's a draw! Actually, the situation is hopeless, but not serious.
Peripetchikoff: No formula, NO DEAL!
C.R. MacNamara: OK, NO DEAL!
Borodenko: We do not need you! If we want Coca-cola, we invent it ourselves!
C.R. MacNamara: Oh, yeah? In 1956 you flew a bottle of Coke to a secret laboratory in Sverdlosk. A dozen of your top chemists went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients. Right?
Mishkin: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents in Atlanta to steal the formula. And what happened? They both defected! And now they're successful businessmen in Florida packaging instant borscht. Right?
Peripetchikoff: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: Last year you put out a cockamamie imitation "Kremlin-kola!" You tried it out in the satellite countries, but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it. They used it for SHEEP DIP! RIGHT?
Mishkin: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: So either get down to business or get off the pot!
Peripetchikoff: My dear American friend, if we are to live together in peaceful coexistence, there must be a certain amount of give and take.
C.R. MacNamara: Oh, sure - we give and you take.
Peripetchikoff: What is the matter - you do not trust us?
C.R. MacNamara: No comment!
C.R. MacNamara: [at first meeting Otto] Where did you dig him up? He doesn't even wear socks!
Scarlet: He doesn't wear shorts, either! Isn't that exciting?
Peripetchikoff: [trying to trade for Ingeborg] Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible, two-tone.
C.R. MacNamara: You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside?
Peripetchikoff: Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1937 Nash.
C.R. MacNamara: [to Otto] The only royalty we know are Count Basie, Duke Snider, and Earl Wilson.
Otto: Capitalism is like a dead herring in the moonlight. It shines, but it stinks.
Scarlet: [to MacNamara] He talks like that all the time.
[to Otto]
Scarlet: Tell him about Coca-Cola Colonialism.
Otto: As Chairman Khrushchev said on the 40th anniversary of the revolution...
C.R. MacNamara: [Interrupting] To hell with the revolution and to hell with Khrushchev!
Otto: [Drawing in a big breath and puffing out his chest] The hell with Frank Sinatra.
Otto: You! I should take that "wedding present" and break it over your head!
C.R. MacNamara: That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through to get you out of jail!
Otto: You got me into jail!
C.R. MacNamara: So we're even!
C.R. MacNamara: Of course you were anti-Nazi and you never liked Adolf.
Schlemmer: Adolf who?
Peripetchikoff: Well, Comrades, what are we going to do? He's got it - we want it. Are we going to accept this blackmailing capitalist's deal?
Mishkin: Let's take a vote.
Peripetchikoff: I vote yes.
Mishkin: I vote yes.
Peripetchikoff: Two out of three. Deal is on!
Borodenko: Comrades, before you get in trouble, I must warn you, I am not really from Soft Drink Secretariat. I am undercover agent assigned to watch you.
Mishkin: In that case I vote no. Deal is off.
Borodenko: But I vote yes!
Peripetchikoff: Two out of three again! Deal is on!
C.R. MacNamara: Oh, yeah, I uh, I forgot he doesn't wear shorts.
[underwear]
Phyllis MacNamara: No wonder they're winning the Cold War.
Phyllis MacNamara: Well, why can't you get yourself a nice permanent job with the home office in Atlanta?
C.R. MacNamara: Atlanta? You can't be serious! That's Siberia with mint juleps!
C.R. MacNamara: What's come over you, Phyllis? After sixteen years...
Phyllis MacNamara: Maybe after sixteen years, every marriage gets a little stale, like a leftover glass of beer.
C.R. MacNamara: Can't we discuss this problem without bringing up a rival beverage?
Otto: We will take over West Berlin. We will take over Western Europe. We will bury you!
C.R. MacNamara: Do me a favor. Bury us but don't marry us.
C.R. MacNamara: Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious, others were suspicious and rude. The eastern sector under communist domination was still in rubble but the people went about their daily business, parading.
[Ingeborg is in her slip in MacNamara's office]
C.R. MacNamara: You better put something on. Your goose pimples are showing.
Ingeborg: [looking down] That's nothing. You should see my sister.
Ingeborg: Here's your mail, here's your Wall Street Journal, and here's my resignation.
C.R. MacNamara: Resignation? What are you talking about?
Ingeborg: You do not work me overtime anymore, you do not take advantage of me on weekends, you have lost all interest in the... umlaut. So obviously, my services are no longer required here.
C.R. MacNamara: [Schlemmer has returned from East Berlin wearing Ingeborg's dress] Schlemmer!
Schlemmer: Yes, sir? I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning.
Ingeborg: Look at my dress! It's ruined!
C.R. MacNamara: Did you have any trouble getting out of East Berlin?
Schlemmer: No, but I had a little trouble in West Berlin. I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep. He was very fresh, wanted to take my picture for something called "Playboy?"
C.R. MacNamara: The only thing I want from you, Scarlett Piffl, is silence. And very little of it!
Peripetchikoff: While they are putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clock, we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon.
C.R. MacNamara: Okay, so you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon, but if he wants a Coke on the way, you'll have to come to us.
Otto: I spit on your money. I spit on Fort Knox. I spit on Wall Street.
C.R. MacNamara: Unsanitary little jerk, isn't he?
C.R. MacNamara: [Scarlet takes off Otto's cap, revealing his shaggy, disheveled hair] He could use a haircut... and I'd like to give it to him myself with a hammer and sickle.
C.R. MacNamara: No, don't pack his old clothes!
Schlemmer: What shall we do with them?
C.R. MacNamara: Burn them! But first have them disinfected!
Scarlet: You can forward the mail to American Express in Moscow. And "Vogue" magazine. And "Screamer" magazine.
Phyllis MacNamara: All right, if you promise to send me "Pravda" every day. Just the funnies.
Peripetchikoff: Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour of Bolshoi Ballet?
C.R. MacNamara: Please, no culture, just cash.
Mishkin: The Ugly American!
Scarlet: Have you ever made love to a revolutionary?
Phyllis MacNamara: No, but I once necked with a Stevenson Democrat.
Phyllis MacNamara: Atlanta!
C.R. MacNamara: Yeah, I'm the new vice president in charge of bottle caps. They're kicking me upstairs.
Phyllis MacNamara: That's something I've always wanted to do myself.
C.R. MacNamara: You've defected?
Peripetchikoff: Is old Russian proverb: "go west young man."
C.R. MacNamara: Cigarette? Cigar?
Peripetchikoff: Here, take one of these.
C.R. Macnamara: Thanks. Hm, 'Made in Havana'.
Peripetchikoff: We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets.
C.R. Macnamara: Good thinking.
C.R. MacNamara: I think your mother's absolutely right, it's silly to pack them. What are you gonna do with roller skates in Venice? All the streets are under water.
Tommy MacNamara: So what? I'm taking my aqualung and my snorkel.
C.R. MacNamara: I wish I were in hell with my back broken...
C.R. MacNamara: What have we got here?
Phyllis MacNamara: Whatever it is, it's all ours for the next two weeks.
[in mock Southern accent]
Phyllis MacNamara: Isn't that marvy?
[squeaky giggle]
C.R. MacNamara: [On the phone with headquarters in Atlanta] And how about the Russian deal? Napoleon blew it, Hitler blew it, but Coca Cola's gonna' pull it off.
Wendell P. Hazeltine: Forget it, MacNamara. Forget it. We are not interested in doing business behind the Iron Curtain.
C.R. MacNamara: We're not interested in the Russian market?
Wendell P. Hazeltine: I wouldn't touch the Russians with a ten-foot pole... and I don't want anything to do with the Poles, either.
Scarlet: Before you meet Daddy, I must warn you there are certain things he feels very strongly about. One is the Civil War.
Otto: Civil War?
C.R. MacNamara: If the subject comes up, just say it was a draw.
C.R. MacNamara: [Looks at balloon Scarlett Hazeltine is holding] Yankee go home?
Scarlet: They come in all colors... green and yellow and blue.
C.R. MacNamara: You been helpin' this guy to spread anti-American propaganda?
Scarlet: It's not anti-American. It's anti-Yankee. Where I come from, everybody's against the Yankees.
Peripetchikoff: I snitched Borodenko's secret police badge and had them both arrested.
Otto: You betrayed your own comrades?
Peripetchikoff: If I didn't do it to them, they do it to me.
C.R. MacNamara: Is old Russian proverb.
Otto: You're worse than he is.
Peripetchikoff: Look my young friend. I don't want to be name dropper, but what do you think Kruschev did to Malenkov? What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?
Otto: Is everybody in this world corrupt?
Peripetchikoff: I don't know everybody.
C.R. MacNamara: Schlemmer you're back in the SS, small salary!
Peripetchikoff: Is old Russian proverb: you cannot milk cow with hands in pockets.
Ingeborg: What do you want in this, cream, sugar?
C.R. MacNamara: Just a couple of lumps of Benzedrine. It's gonna be a rough day.
Otto: Das ist eine Kuckucksuhr!
C.R. MacNamara: Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad.
C.R. MacNamara: [to Otto, who is ranting at Mac about revolution while waiting for his wedding trousers to be altered] Put your pants on, Spartacus!
C.R. MacNamara: [to his office staff as they snap to attention numerous times] Sitzen machen!
C.R. MacNamara: C'mon, let's make an effort.
Phyllis MacNamara: Yes, mein führer.
Phyllis MacNamara: Feeling pretty good, aren't you mein fuehrer?
C.R. MacNamara: Not bad.
Phyllis MacNamara: You framed that poor boy.
C.R. MacNamara: You bet I did. I'm not gonna let that Communist kook ruin somebody's life.
Phyllis MacNamara: But she loves him.
C.R. MacNamara: Not her life, mine.
C.R. MacNamara: [On Schlemmer's constant clicking of heels at attention] That old Gestapo training, huh?
Schlemmer: Please, Mr. MacNamara, you must not say that. It is not true.
Schlemmer: They absolutely will not permit us to install a Coke machine in the Reichstag.
C.R. MacNamara: Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder who won the war.
C.R. MacNamara: Schlemmer, how can we find out what happened to her? Can we get any information from East Berlin?
Schlemmer: Only through official channels, in triplicate.
C.R. MacNamara: What if we just picked up the phone and phone the authorities over there?
Schlemmer: It is not that easy.
C.R. MacNamara: Why not?
Schlemmer: There is no direct phone service to East Berlin. You have to call Stockholm, from there go through Warsaw to Leipzig, then to East Berlin. And then nine times out of 10 you get the wrong number.
C.R. MacNamara: Try it anyway.
Schlemmer: [Clicks his heels] Yes, sir.
Otto: Look, commissar, you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet zone.
Peripetchikoff: There may be a little problem.
C.R. MacNamara: Yeah, everybody's coming this way. Fifteen hundred people a day. You wanna fight all that traffic?
C.R. MacNamara: You married a Communist?
Scarlet: He's not a Communist. He's a Republican. He comes from the Republic of East Germany.
Wendell P. Hazeltine: [On the phone, talking to MacNamara] She's flyin' Pan Am. The plane is due in Berlin at 4:30. Unless those damn Commies shoot it down.
Scarlet: It's my parents I feel sorry for. It's too late to save 'em. Otto says they'll have to be liquidated. Bye.
C.R. MacNamara: Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis.
Peripetchikoff: Royalty? In Russia we do not have royalty - not since we liquidate the czar.
Berta: Just because I'm reduced to earning my living in a bathroom, does not mean that I'm willing to peddle the honor and dignity of my family name. The von Schattenburg's date back to the second Crusade. We have one of the oldest blood lines in Europe. And one of the most inbred...
Otto: And, of course, we'll see him on Mayday. He'll be marching by in the parade. We can wave to him.
C.R. MacNamara: You can also wave to him on Lenin's birthday and on Yuri Gagarin's birthday. That kid'll be parading all the time.
Scarlet: Well, at least it'll keep him off the street.
Otto: [Pulls out a card] I'm a party member. Paid up 'til December. They need me there. I'm a missile scientist.
Peripetchikoff: Ah, that is one thing where we're ahead of America. In Cape Canaveral if missile goes wrong, they press special button and Pow! It blows up. But in Russia, we have two buttons.
Otto: [Smiling] Two buttons?
Peripetchikoff: One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist.
Otto: At the age of six months, the baby will be enrolled in the People's Nursery School. Naturally, we will have visiting rights every other Sunday.
Berta: [Introduces himself to MacNamara] Count von Droste Schattenburg.
C.R. MacNamara: MacNamara from Omaha, Nebraska.
Otto: The minute we arrive in Moscow, we must get on the waiting list for the People's Maternity Ward and the People's Obstetrician.
C.R. MacNamara: [Greeting the three Russian bureaucrats] If it isn't my old friend Hart, Schaffner, and Karl Marx!
C.R. MacNamara: [to wife, Phyllis] You wanna go home, and pay taxes?
C.R. MacNamara: [on the telephone] Look, if you guys can burn down the Reichstag, you can set a match to a measly marriage certificate. And it has to be done tonight.
Schlemmer: [Clicks his heels] Good morning, Mr. MacNamara.
C.R. MacNamara: Schlemmer, how many times have I told you? I don't want those people standing at attention every time I come into the office.
Schlemmer: [Clicks his heels] I know. I've given strict orders.
C.R. MacNamara: That reminds me. Call the Frankfort plant and have them ship us another hundred thousand bottles. People keep smuggling Cokes into the Eastern sector and not returning the empties.
C.R. MacNamara: [dictating report to home office] Production figures for May - 270,000 cases. Consumption per capita now 5.2% above last year. Out-selling Rhine wine, eight to one. Rapidly creeping up on draft beer. Next, publicity campaign to reorient German businessmen's lunch succeeded -- 27 percent now having Coke with their knockwurst. Next, here's a real hot flash. We may become the first American company to crack the Iron Curtain.
Berta: For an additional 500 marks, I will include the family crest.
C.R. MacNamara: What is it, two cakes of soap and a paper towel?
Berta: [Hands MacNamara a couple photos] A porcupine rampant on a field of fleur de lis. You may also have a photograph of the Schattenburg Castle. Unfortunately destroyed during the war.
C.R. MacNamara: American Air Force?
Berta: No. Turkish cavalry, 1683.
Berta: So, your proposition is not only preposterous, it is highly insulting. Make it 10,000 marks.
C.R. MacNamara: I'll give you 3,000.
Berta: Please. I just told you I came from a long line of leaders, so don't compromise.
C.R. MacNamara: Four thousand.
Berta: I will have you know that I'm distantly related to ex-king Farouk of Egypt.
C.R. MacNamara: Thirty-five hundred.
Berta: What happened to 4,000?
C.R. MacNamara: It's a deal.
C.R. MacNamara: That's just what the world needs - another bouncing baby Bolshevik.
Phyllis MacNamara: And remember when I had Tommy?
C.R. MacNamara: Do I ever. Right in the Zurich airport.
Phyllis MacNamara: We had a hell of a time getting him out of Customs.
Otto: I will not be turned into a capitalist.
Phyllis MacNamara: Think fast Mr Moto because there'll be a few questions asked, like who's the father!
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Darling, no woman in the world should have two mink coats until every woman has one mink coat.
C.R. MacNamara: Cigarette, cigar?
Peripetchikoff: Here, take one of these.
C.R. MacNamara: Thanks. Hmmm. Made in Havana.
C.R. MacNamara: We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets.
C.R. MacNamara: Good thinking. Now, I understand from comrade Mishkin that you guys are very keen on getting Coca Cola into Russia.
Mishkin: Is totally wrong. I did not say we are keen. I said we are mildly interested.
C.R. MacNamara: Nevertheless... .
[coughs]
C.R. MacNamara: You know something. You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.
Peripetchikoff: Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.
C.R. MacNamara: That'll be all, Fräulein Ingeborg.
Ingeborg: Jawohl!
C.R. MacNamara: And take your gum.
Ingeborg: [Picks gum from under the desk arm and puts it in her mouth] Jawohl!
Berta: I will call the doctor. But I will not give back the mink coat.
Phyllis MacNamara: I can always tell when you've got a new teacher. You stop wearing your elevator shoes to the office.
C.R. MacNamara: Forget it, Piffl. You're not going to Moscow. You can't even get back to East Berlin.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Why not?
C.R. MacNamara: Because you're an American spy.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Who says so?
C.R. MacNamara: You did. Don't you remember last night, the police station. You signed a confession. An Americanish shpion.
Otto Ludwig Piffl: No. Nein nein nein nein nein.
C.R. MacNamara: Ya. Ya ya ya ya ya.
Scarlet: Isn't that thrilling darling? Why didn't you tell me?
Otto Ludwig Piffl: Nein! I'm not a spy. It's not true.
C.R. MacNamara: Makes you think, doesn't it? About all those other confessions?
