Quotes

Borodenko: When will papers be ready?

C.R. Macnamara: I'll put my secretary right to work on it.

Mishkin: Your secretary? She's that blonde lady?

C.R. Macnamara: That's the one.

Peripetchikoff: [after conferring with the others] You will send papers to East Berlin with blonde lady in triplicate.

C.R. Macnamara: You want the papers in triplicate, or the blonde in triplicate?

Peripetchikoff: See what you can do.

Otto: I will not have my son grow up to be a capitalist.

Scarlet: When he's 18 he can make his mind up whether he wants to be a capitalist or a rich communist.

C.R. MacNamara: [voiceover] Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious. Others were suspicious and rude.

C.R. MacNamara: You know something? You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.

Peripetchikoff: Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.

C.R. MacNamara: What were you doing in East Berlin?

Scarlet: You mean last night?

C.R. MacNamara: I mean *all* those nights.

Scarlet: You see, there's this boy over there. Wow!

C.R. MacNamara: What boy? What have you been up to?

Scarlet: Well, I met him about six weeks ago. I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me.

C.R. MacNamara: Arrest you?

Scarlet: Because I was taking pictures. And then there was this boy -- he was in the parade, he said to the police man I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied, because I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. So naturally, I fell in love with him.

[First line, voiceover]

C.R. MacNamara: On Sunday, August 13th, 1961, the eyes of America were on the nation's capital, where Roger Maris was hitting home runs #44 and 45 against the Senators. On that same day, without any warning, the East German Communists sealed off the border between East and West Berlin. I only mention this to show the kind of people we're dealing with - REAL SHIFTY!

C.R. MacNamara: They're staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin. You know where that is?

Fritz: Yes, sir. It used to be the Great Hotel Goring, and before that, it was the Great Hotel Bismarck.

Phyllis MacNamara: She married a communist? That's going to be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta since General Sherman threw that little barbecue. No, I don't think it's funny. They're going to live in Moscow? Now, that's funny!

C.R. MacNamara: Ten minutes early! That's a hell of a way to run an airline! Planes are supposed to be late, not early!

Otto: [bursts into room wearing boxers, shirt, tie and morning coat] I'm going to like this job!

C.R. MacNamara: It's about time you started cooperating.

Otto: You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!

C.R. MacNamara: Put your pants on, Spartacus!

Peripetchikoff: [trying to trade for Ingeborg] Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible, two-tone.

C.R. MacNamara: You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside?

Peripetchikoff: Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1937 Nash.

C.R. MacNamara: [to Otto] The only royalty we know are Count Basie, Duke Snider, and Earl Wilson.

Scarlet: Countess? That means everybody has to curtsy to me, except maybe Grace Kelly.

[But later, Schlemmer recognizes the reporter Untermeyer (played by Til Kiwe)]

Schlemmer: Herr Oberleutnant!

C.R. MacNamara: You two know each other?

Schlemmer: He was my commanding officer.

C.R. MacNamara: In the subway?

Schlemmer: No, after that, when I was drafted.

C.R. MacNamara: Aha! Gestapo!

Schlemmer: No, no, SS.

[Otto muddles his coached answers]

Wendell P. Hazeltine: How is the situation here in Berlin?

Otto Ludwig Piffl: It shouldn't happen to a dog! Uh, I - I mean, it's a draw! Actually, the situation is hopeless, but not serious.

Phyllis MacNamara: Well, why can't you get yourself a nice permanent job with the home office in Atlanta?

C.R. MacNamara: Atlanta? You can't be serious! That's Siberia with mint juleps!

C.R. MacNamara: [at first meeting Otto] Where did you dig him up? He doesn't even wear socks!

Scarlet: He doesn't wear shorts, either! Isn't that exciting?

Otto: You! I should take that "wedding present" and break it over your head!

C.R. MacNamara: That's gratitude after all the trouble I went through to get you out of jail!

Otto: You got me into jail!

C.R. MacNamara: So we're even!

C.R. MacNamara: Of course you were anti-Nazi and you never liked Adolf.

Schlemmer: Adolf who?

[Ingeborg is in her slip in MacNamara's office]

C.R. MacNamara: You better put something on. Your goose pimples are showing.

Ingeborg: [looking down] That's nothing. You should see my sister.

Jeweler: Schmuck!

C.R. MacNamara: What did you say?

Jeweler: Schmuck- Jewelry.

C.R. MacNamara: Oh.

Peripetchikoff: While they are putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clock, we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon.

C.R. MacNamara: Okay, so you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon, but if he wants a Coke on the way, you'll have to come to us.

C.R. MacNamara: [Scarlet takes off Otto's cap, revealing his shaggy, disheveled hair] He could use a haircut... and I'd like to give it to him myself with a hammer and sickle.

C.R. MacNamara: What have we got here?

Phyllis MacNamara: Whatever it is, it's all ours for the next two weeks.

[in mock Southern accent]

Phyllis MacNamara: Isn't that marvy?

[squeaky giggle]

Peripetchikoff: Instead of dollars, you would accept three-week tour of Bolshoi Ballet?

C.R. MacNamara: Please, no culture, just cash.

Mishkin: The Ugly American!

C.R. MacNamara: You've defected?

Peripetchikoff: Is old Russian proverb: "go west young man."

C.R. MacNamara: I think your mother's absolutely right, it's silly to pack them. What are you gonna do with roller skates in Venice? All the streets are under water.

Tommy MacNamara: So what? I'm taking my aqualung and my snorkel.

Otto: Das ist eine Kuckucksuhr!

C.R. MacNamara: [to Otto, who is ranting at Mac about revolution while waiting for his wedding trousers to be altered] Put your pants on, Spartacus!

C.R. MacNamara: [On the phone with headquarters in Atlanta] And how about the Russian deal? Napoleon blew it, Hitler blew it, but Coca Cola's gonna' pull it off.

Wendell P. Hazeltine: Forget it, MacNamara. Forget it. We are not interested in doing business behind the Iron Curtain.

C.R. MacNamara: We're not interested in the Russian market?

Wendell P. Hazeltine: I wouldn't touch the Russians with a ten-foot pole... and I don't want anything to do with the Poles, either.

Peripetchikoff: Is old Russian proverb: you cannot milk cow with hands in pockets.

C.R. MacNamara: [Greeting the three Russian bureaucrats] If it isn't my old friend Hart, Schaffner, and Karl Marx!

Scarlet: Before you meet Daddy, I must warn you there are certain things he feels very strongly about. One is the Civil War.

Otto: Civil War?

C.R. MacNamara: If the subject comes up, just say it was a draw.

Phyllis MacNamara: Think fast Mr Moto because there'll be a few questions asked, like who's the father!

C.R. MacNamara: Cigarette, cigar?

Peripetchikoff: Here, take one of these.

C.R. MacNamara: Thanks. Hmmm. Made in Havana.

C.R. MacNamara: We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets.

C.R. MacNamara: Good thinking. Now, I understand from comrade Mishkin that you guys are very keen on getting Coca Cola into Russia.

Mishkin: Is totally wrong. I did not say we are keen. I said we are mildly interested.

C.R. MacNamara: Nevertheless... .

[coughs]

C.R. MacNamara: You know something. You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.

Peripetchikoff: Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.

Phyllis MacNamara: Feeling pretty good, aren't you mein fuehrer?

C.R. MacNamara: Not bad.

Phyllis MacNamara: You framed that poor boy.

C.R. MacNamara: You bet I did. I'm not gonna let that Communist kook ruin somebody's life.

Phyllis MacNamara: But she loves him.

C.R. MacNamara: Not her life, mine.

Schlemmer: They absolutely will not permit us to install a Coke machine in the Reichstag.

C.R. MacNamara: Hmmm. Sometimes I wonder who won the war.

Otto: Look, commissar, you must help me and my wife get into the Soviet zone.

Peripetchikoff: There may be a little problem.

C.R. MacNamara: Yeah, everybody's coming this way. Fifteen hundred people a day. You wanna fight all that traffic?

C.R. MacNamara: [on the telephone] Look, if you guys can burn down the Reichstag, you can set a match to a measly marriage certificate. And it has to be done tonight.

Schlemmer: [Clicks his heels] Good morning, Mr. MacNamara.

C.R. MacNamara: Schlemmer, how many times have I told you? I don't want those people standing at attention every time I come into the office.

Schlemmer: [Clicks his heels] I know. I've given strict orders.

Wendell P. Hazeltine: [On the phone, talking to MacNamara] She's flyin' Pan Am. The plane is due in Berlin at 4:30. Unless those damn Commies shoot it down.

C.R. MacNamara: That reminds me. Call the Frankfort plant and have them ship us another hundred thousand bottles. People keep smuggling Cokes into the Eastern sector and not returning the empties.

C.R. MacNamara: That'll be all, Fräulein Ingeborg.

Ingeborg: Jawohl!

C.R. MacNamara: And take your gum.

Ingeborg: [Picks gum from under the desk arm and puts it in her mouth] Jawohl!

C.R. MacNamara: Next, the deal will be set up on a royalty basis.

Peripetchikoff: Royalty? In Russia we do not have royalty - not since we liquidate the czar.

Otto: I will not be turned into a capitalist.

Peripetchikoff: I snitched Borodenko's secret police badge and had them both arrested.

Otto: You betrayed your own comrades?

Peripetchikoff: If I didn't do it to them, they do it to me.

C.R. MacNamara: Is old Russian proverb.

Otto: You're worse than he is.

Peripetchikoff: Look my young friend. I don't want to be name dropper, but what do you think Kruschev did to Malenkov? What do you think Stalin did to Trotsky?

Otto: Is everybody in this world corrupt?

Peripetchikoff: I don't know everybody.

Berta: For an additional 500 marks, I will include the family crest.

C.R. MacNamara: What is it, two cakes of soap and a paper towel?

Berta: [Hands MacNamara a couple photos] A porcupine rampant on a field of fleur de lis. You may also have a photograph of the Schattenburg Castle. Unfortunately destroyed during the war.

C.R. MacNamara: American Air Force?

Berta: No. Turkish cavalry, 1683.

Berta: So, your proposition is not only preposterous, it is highly insulting. Make it 10,000 marks.

C.R. MacNamara: I'll give you 3,000.

Berta: Please. I just told you I came from a long line of leaders, so don't compromise.

C.R. MacNamara: Four thousand.

Berta: I will have you know that I'm distantly related to ex-king Farouk of Egypt.

C.R. MacNamara: Thirty-five hundred.

Berta: What happened to 4,000?

C.R. MacNamara: It's a deal.

Otto: [Pulls out a card] I'm a party member. Paid up 'til December. They need me there. I'm a missile scientist.

Peripetchikoff: Ah, that is one thing where we're ahead of America. In Cape Canaveral if missile goes wrong, they press special button and Pow! It blows up. But in Russia, we have two buttons.

Otto: [Smiling] Two buttons?

Peripetchikoff: One to blow up missile, one to blow up scientist.

Otto: At the age of six months, the baby will be enrolled in the People's Nursery School. Naturally, we will have visiting rights every other Sunday.

Otto: The minute we arrive in Moscow, we must get on the waiting list for the People's Maternity Ward and the People's Obstetrician.