Lover Come Back (1961)
Fred: [Jerry Webster enters wearing a woman's full length mink coat, and passes Fred, again] He's the last guy in the world I woulda' figured.
Jerry Webster: Okay, so I've sewn a few wild oats.
Carol Templeton: A few? You could qualify for a farm loan!
Jerry Webster: Your trouble is that you're still living in the shadow of your father. You're even afraid to get rid of his old car.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You don't realize how completely he dominated me ever since I was a little boy. Just once I spoke back to him. He cut a switch from a tree and gave me such a whipping, in front of this girl. It was a shattering experience.
Jerry Webster: Pete, all kids get whippings.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: But I was twenty five, the girl was my fiancé.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Congratulate me, boy. I've saved the day! I've been working with my lawyers and we've come up with an ironclad document that will hold up in any court. This solves everything.
Jerry Webster: Great. What is it?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: A full and complete confession. Sign.
Jerry Webster: Are you kidding? I could go to jail for five years.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: No. That's covered in here. We make a deal with the judge. Two years. Sign.
[Puts pen in Jerry's hand]
Jerry Webster: Forget it.
[throws pen down]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Two years! It's like being drafted. Think of me as your commander in chief. Greetings from the president. Sign.
[puts pen back in Jerry's hand and tries to manipulate it to force a signature]
Hadley: I couldn't find Dr. Tyler anywhere. The guy has disappeared.
Jerry Webster: That tears it!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Hadley?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Step over to the window.
Hadley: Mr. Ramsey I told you. I am not going to jump!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You don't have to jump. I'll trip you. Huh? Double indemnity. Your wife will be loaded. Kids'll go to college. Right? Come on, boy! Run!
[holds up his leg in front of the window]
Jerry Webster: Pete, knock it off!
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: [Spoken to Jerry and Hadley] I'm surrounded by traitors!
Carol Templeton: Yesterday at the beat you kissed me and I was thrilled!
Jerry Webster: A kiss? What does that prove? It's like finding out you can light a stove. It still doesn't make you a cook.
Doctor Linus Tyler: I've given this country what it has long needed. A good 10-cent drunk.
Carol Templeton: Doctor, there's so much I can learn from you.
Jerry Webster: As my father, the philosopher, used to say, "Knock at my door and I shall take you in."
Carol Templeton: Dr. Tyler, I'm knocking.
Jerry Webster: Miss Templeton, I'm taking you in.
Jerry Webster: [Jerry's boss - and friend - Pete - is making him ring Carol Templeton to apologise - and hopefully have her withdraw her complaint to the Advertising Council] Carol Templeton, please, Jerry Webster calling.
[Speaking to the operator]
Jerry Webster: Ramsey & Son.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Assure her of our high moral character
Carol Templeton: [Split-screen, à la Pillow Talk] Yes, Mr. Webster?
Jerry Webster: Mr. Ramsey, here, tells me that you spoke to him, and I'd like to,ask you a favour; will you kindly keep,your big, fat nose out of my business?
[Pete starts getting furious, yelling in a strangled voice 'no, no,' at Jerry, who ignores him]
Jerry Webster: If the competition's too tough, get out of the advertising profession.
[Pete's got his hands in his face]
Carol Templeton: YOU aren't even IN the advertising profession, and if I weren't a lady, I'd tell you what profession you ARE in.
Jerry Webster: Tell me, anyway
Carol Templeton: [Thinking she's got the upper-hand, tries to talk 'down' to Jerry] Well, let me put it this way; I don't use sex to land an account.
Jerry Webster: When do you use it
Carol Templeton: I don't.
Jerry Webster: My condolences to your husband
Carol Templeton: [Carol's eyes narrow, and she's seething with anger as she speaks] I'm NOT married.
Jerry Webster: That figures.
Carol Templeton: What, what do you mean, 'that figures'?
Jerry Webster: Well, a husband would be competition. There's only room for one man in the family.
Carol Templeton: [Carol's steaming, and trying to stay calm] Oooh! Let me tell,you,something, Mr. Webster; I wish I were a man, right now,
Jerry Webster: [Goading Carol] Keep trying, I think you'll make it.
[Carole looks at the phone's receiver, and hangs it up, forcefully]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: And as dad always said, "A man who can't be bribed can't be trusted."
Jerry Webster: Isn't it comforting to know that you can trust me?
Carol Templeton: Mmm. This isn't bad, either. But what color's that floor?
Carol Templeton: Lilac? Leonard, who has a lilac floor in their kitchen?
Leonard: I have.
Carol Templeton: Oh. Well, Leonard, everyone isn't as artistic as you are. We have to sell this wax to ordinary, everyday people.
Leonard: Ugh, them.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: I told you sex would get you in nothing but trouble.
Jerry Webster: You're going up there to have my baby. My son, and I'm...
Carol Templeton: It's my baby and I'll have what I like. And I've decided I'm having a girl.
Jerry Webster: Have whatever you like. I love you both. Now will you marry me?
Carol Templeton: You listen to me, no alcoholic beverage, no drug known to science, no torture yet devised could induce me to stay married to you!
Jerry Webster: I've only seen him a dozen or so times.
Carol Templeton: Well, what's your opinion?
Jerry Webster: I prefer to reserve judgment till I see him sober.
Carol Templeton: Oh! Doesn't that tell you what he is?
Jerry Webster: Miss Templeton, as my uncle, the missionary, used to say, "If thou canst not speak well of a man, speak not at all."
Carol Templeton: You make me feel ashamed of myself.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: This'll be the biggest scandal that hit Madison Avenue. The agency's through. We're ruined. There's only one way out; suicide.
Jerry Webster: All right... All right...
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: We'll get Hadley to commit suicide, and we pin the blame on him.
Jerry Webster: You may have a little trouble selling that idea to Hadley.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: He wouldn't dare refuse. His job depends on it.
Jerry Webster: You haven't been in the office for two months. And that's in the best interest of Ramsey and Son.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: I have a very good reason for not going into the office. It depresses the employees.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: I discussed it with my analyst, Dr. Melnick. He understands it. He says I depress him too.
Jerry Webster: Yeah, well he's only human.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Don't sneer. Wealthy people are hated and resented. Look what's written on the Statue of Liberty. Does it say, "Send me your rich?" No, it says, "Send me your poor." We're not even welcome in our own country.
Jerry Webster: Doc, I don't care how you do it, or what it is. We've got to have VIP tomorrow.
Doctor Linus Tyler: But, what I'm working on is highly volatile.
Jerry Webster: What I'm working on his highly volatile, too.
Doctor Linus Tyler: That only gives me tonight.
Jerry Webster: Believe me, Doc. I'm in the same boat.
Carol Templeton: Think he'll like it?
Millie, Carol's Secretary: Well if he doesn't, he's been taking the wrong kind of chemicals.
Jerry Webster: No, I find him very intriguing... in a man-to-man sort of way.
Jerry Webster: [Pete blows a bull horn] What's that?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: The mating call of the moose.
[Pete blows the bull horn again]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: This call is absolutely irresistible. Your bull moose will run for twenty miles, he will crash through any barrier to get to the source of this call.
[Blows horn, yet again]
Jerry Webster: And what happens if he gets there?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: I take his picture
Jerry Webster: Pete, he's not running twenty miles to get photographed. Now I suggest you stop blowing that horn.
Cleaning Woman: [of sex] It's like olives, dear. It's something you aquire a taste for.
Jerry Webster: [Carol screams] Now stop that! You're my wife!
Cleaning Woman: Some girls just aren't ready for marriage.
Carol Templeton: [Carol realizes the problem with the product is its packaging, and has to convince Leonard and Millie how important it is to stay late and finish working on it] Believe me, the agency that lands this account is the one that shows Mr. Miller the most attractive can.
[Carol picks up a can of wax and the next scene is a line of dancing 'rabbit-girls' derierres]
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You're one of the lucky ones. You were born in the slums.
Jerry Webster: That's lucky?
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Of course it is. You had everything going for you. Poverty. Squalor. There was only one way for you to go - up.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: But I started at the top. I've done it the hard way.
Jerry Webster: Give me a well-stacked dame in a bathing suit, and I'll sell after shave lotion to beatniks.
Northcross, Ad Council Chairman: Miss Templeton. Will you please stop challenging your own witness.
Millie, Carol's Secretary: That means liquor, wild parties, getting the sponsor girls, right?
Carol Templeton: Right.
Millie, Carol's Secretary: Good. I'd like to volunteer for front line duty.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You know, everyone should go through analysis.
Jerry Webster: Not everyone can afford it, Pete.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: That's the tragedy of it. Look at these poor people. They go through life contented, happy, laughing. Never knowing how sick they are.
Jerry Webster: Pete, you are pioneering a method that'll make you a legend on Madison Avenue.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: It will?
Jerry Webster: The most convincing demonstration of the power of advertising ever conceived. You have sold a product that doesn't exist.
Jerry Webster: [Still posing as Linus Tyler] You know, it's a funny thing about you two. You claim he's oversexed, and he claims you're...
Carol Templeton: I'm what?
Jerry Webster: I'd rather not tell ya.
Carol Templeton: Well, I'm not undersexed.
Jerry Webster: I'm sure you're not.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Are you taking Mr. Webster with you?
Wallace, Liquor Industry Representative: No, he's going to San Francisco.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: San Francisco?... Alcatraz!
Jerry Webster: Oh, Pete, I'll be leaving tonight.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: We'll miss you, boy.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Huh. If anybody can do it, you can.
[Pete thinks he's going to Alcatraz prison]
Millie, Carol's Secretary: I think every man has a right to know when he's about to become a father.
Charlie: [as he and Fred, arriving in a taxi, watch a woman plant a huge kiss on Jerry Webster from her convertible in front of the building] Make you home sick, Fred?
Fred: Yeah, makes me sick we're going home next week.
Mr. John Brackett: We've learned to live with Mr. Webster. He's like the common cold. You know you're going to get it once or twice a year.
Carol Templeton: Mr. Brackett. There are two ways to handle a cold. You can fight it, or you can give in and go to bed with it. I intend to fight it.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Well, you should feel sorry for me. You don't know what a handicap it is to be born rich.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: And as president, I have a right to know what's been going on since I've taken over.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: We're in trouble, aren't we?
Jerry Webster: I can handle it.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Now, see here. Instead of just being head of the agency, I have a right to know. Are we in trouble?
Jerry Webster: Yes, we're in trouble.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: You shouldn't have told me.
Jerry Webster: Tell 'em how I cancelled when I found out they were going to hide that glorious figure under a long gingham house dress. That's like hiding a Rembrandt under as dish towel.
Fred: Let's face it, Charlie. Either you've got it or you haven't. He's got it.
Carol Templeton: Gentlemen, if we're through admiring Mr. Webster's trophies, I'd like to ask Miss Davis to tell us about that wild party he threw last night.
Rebel Davis: You mean, the revival meetin'?
Northcross, Ad Council Chairman: Mr. Webster held a revival?
Carol Templeton: Revival is right! Everyone there had to be revived.
Magnuson, Ad Council Member: Miss Davis, do you know where Mr. Webster is?
Rebel Davis: Why yes. He's at the Red Cross donatin' his blood.
Carol Templeton: Oh, well, that does it. They wouldn't take his blood - it's 86 proof. And, why would he be there at this particular moment.
Rebel Davis: Why, that's where he's meetin' with his Boy Scout troop.
Carol Templeton: The top of the Chrysler Building is not Inspiration Point.
Rebel Davis: Why, it is to Mr. Webster. It looks down on Madison Avenue.
Hadley: Well, with a new product, Mr. Webster usually starts off with a saturation campaign on television - you know, get the ball rolling.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Let's forget about Mr. Webster, shall we? I'm rolling this ball.
Hadley: Yes sir.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: We'll start off with a saturation campaign on television.
Hadley: Yes sir. Right away.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: That's not the way it's done. You're supposed to have a product first. Then go out and sell it.
Jerry Webster: [Posing as Dr. Linus Tyler] Will you swear never to repeat what I'm about to tell you?
Carol Templeton: I swear.
Jerry Webster: Central Intelligence refers to my cousin as the "human satellite."
Carol Templeton: You mean?
Jerry Webster: Yes. He was launched from Cape Canaveral four days ago. Every 97 minutes Maurice passes over this supper club.
[Carol looks up with her mouth open in awe]
Carol Templeton: They strip.
Jerry Webster: [Posing as Dr. Linus Tyler] Say, I think that's the word he used.
Fred: [a waiter seats Fred and Charlie next to their table as Carol and Jerry leave] Hey, Charlie. Isn't that him?
Charlie: I think it is...
Fred: It's him.
Charlie: I wonder why he grew the beard.
Fred: When has he got time to shave?
Jerry Webster: [Still posing as Linus Tyler] I was so dizzy from that cigarette he gave me.
Carol Templeton: What kind of cigarette?
Jerry Webster: I don't know. It didn't have any printing on it.
Carol Templeton: Oh, Linus! Oh, that depraved monster. Ohhhhh!
Carol Templeton: [Speaking to Webster who is posing as Dr. Linus Tyler] Linus, I know a place where Webster wouldn't find you.
Jerry Webster: Really? Where?
Carol Templeton: Right here. In that guest room.
Jerry Webster: In your apartment? Alone with you? All night?
Carol Templeton: Oh, Linus. We're adults.
Jerry Webster: [Posing as Dr. Linus Tyler] Yes, but...
Carol Templeton: Now, look at it calmly and sensibly. You won't be disturbed. Right?
Jerry Webster: Right.
Carol Templeton: You can concentrate on what you want to do.
Jerry Webster: Well, that's true.
Carol Templeton: Well then, for what you had in mind, isn't this the best place?
Jerry Webster: [With a big sheepish smile on his face] Yes, I guess it is.
Doctor Linus Tyler: I think you've had enough.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Don't worry about me. I can hold my candy.
Carol Templeton: Oh, I'm your wife. Ooooohh, This is horrible. I'm Ruined. Ruined.
Jerry Webster: Look, Carol, I know it's a shock to wake up and find yourself in a motel room, married; but this is the first time it's ever happened to me, too.
Jerry Webster: Now, honey. You're starting our marriage off with a fight.
Carol Templeton: Oh no, I'm not. I'm starting it off with an annulment.
Jerry Webster: Forgot you? I sent you hundreds of letters. I wrote one every day for eight months.
Carol Templeton: And the ninth month, when I needed you most, not a word.
Jerry Webster: I didn't know what was happening. You sent back every letter unopened.
Carol Templeton: If you loved me, you'd have kept on writing.
Carol Templeton: I always wanted a church wedding.
Jerry Webster: The next baby, we'll have a church wedding.
Carol Templeton: Do you think you'd enjoy watching a girl undress?
Jerry Webster: I don't know. But I'm willing to give it a try.
Peter 'Pete' Ramsey: Dr. Tyler... where have you been?
Doctor Linus Tyler: In the subway. They couldn't change a thousand dollar bill.
Fred: [Seeing Jerry Webster/Rock Hudson mince across a hotel lobby, barefoot and looking effeminate in a mink coat] He's the last guy I would've suspected!
Jerry Webster: So I sewed a few wild oats...
Carol Templeton: A few? You could qualify for a Farm Loan!
Jerry Webster: I was up all night with Ramsey and Sons.
[an advertising agency]