Auntie Mame (1958)

Joanna Barnes: Gloria Upson

Quotes 

• Gloria Upson : Bunny Bixler and I were in the semi-finals - the very semi-finals, mind you - of the ping-pong tournament at the club and this ghastly thing happened. We were both playing way over our heads and the score was 29-28. And we had this really terrific volley and I stepped back to get this really terrific shot. And I stepped on the ping-pong ball! I just squashed it to bits. And then Bunny and I ran to the closet of the game room to get another ping-pong ball and the closet was locked! Imagine? We had to call the whole thing off. Well, it was ghastly. Well, it was just ghastly.

• Gloria Upson : Oh, my, what a stunning apartment.

  Mame Dennis : Thank you.

  Gloria Upson : Books are awfully decorative, don't you think?

• Gloria Upson : Miss Charles, I've just got to tell you how I adored you in "Mary of Scotland."

  Vera Charles : Did you, dear? That was Helen Hayes.

• Gloria Upson : And, of course, it's completely restricted.

  Mame Dennis : I'll get a blood test.

• Mame Dennis : [Meeting her nephew's snobbish dumb-blonde fiancee for the first time]  You're, er, you're at school, dear?

  Gloria Upson : I am an Upper Richman Girls School girl.

  Mame Dennis : Now, how did you get that lovely tan, so early in the spring?

  Gloria Upson : Oh, I played hooky for a couple of weeks. Mums and Dadums and I went down to our place in Fort Lauderdale. We have a place in Fort Lauderdale.

  Patrick Dennis : I was out of my mind until she got back. I am insanely jealous of this kid. Sheer torture and I love it.

  Gloria Upson : [Coyly]  Silly...

  Mame Dennis : Tell me dear, have you, er, have you chosen your major yet?

  Gloria Upson : [With a blank stare]  Chosen my major?

  Mame Dennis : What courses are you taking at college?

  Gloria Upson : Ah, well, just a general sort of liberal arts things, you know, English lit and like that. Upper Richman's a top drawer. *Really* top drawer.

• [Mame is hosting a dinner party for the snobbish Upsons. Her butler, Mr. Ito, serves the hors d'oeuvres] 

  Gloria Upson : [tasting one]  Mmm, this is spicy! Try one of the little striped ones, Moms.

  Dwight Babcock : These *are* tasty!

  Doris Upson : What are they, dear?

  Mame Dennis : Oh, just plain old pickled rattlesnake.

  [Mr. Upson spits out his hors d'oeurve into his flaming drink. Everyone looks disgusted] 

  Mame Dennis : They're pure protein. And they always marinate them after they remove the fangs.

• Gloria Upson : And what's WRONG with Muriel Puce?