I Love Lucy (1951–1957)
Lucy Ricardo: How much do you want to bet?
Fred Mertz: Ten dollars.
Ethel Mertz: Well what's the matter with twenty dollars?
Ricky Ricardo: What's the matter with thirty dollars?
Lucy Ricardo: What's the matter with fifty dollars?
Fred Mertz: What was the matter with ten dollars?
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, Ethel. Guess what Ricky got me!
Ethel Mertz: Um... let's see. A hat? A new dress?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh Ethel better! Think about what every woman wants from her husband!
Ethel Mertz: A divorce?
Lucy's Doctor from Jamestown: Hello, Mr. Ricardo. I'm the man who brought your wife into the world!
Ricky Ricardo: I don't know whether to thank you or punch you in the nose!
Lucy Ricardo: This whole thing is Ricky's fault.
Ricky Ricardo: MY FAULT?
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, if you hadn't have left Cuba to come to America, we wouldn't have gotten married and we never would've come to Switzerland in the first place.
[When Ethel doesn't return to California hotel suite]
Fred Mertz: Let's just hope for the best.
Lucy Ricardo: Don't worry, Fred, Ethel'll come back.
Fred Mertz: I said let's hope for the BEST.
Ricky Ricardo: This whole thing is my fault. Something I said that started this whole mess.
Lucy Ricardo: What's that?
Ricky Ricardo: "I do."
Ethel Mertz: Gee, this high altitude sure gives me an appetite.
Fred Mertz: What's your excuse at sea level?
Ricky Ricardo: I don't like that tone. You are thinking again.
Lucy Ricardo: There's no law about me going to Romanov's. Perhaps maybe stopping by your table and...
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, if I so much as see your face at Romanov's, I'm gonna wrap you up in brown paper and mail you back to New York. And that's an ultimatum.
Ethel Mertz: An ultimatum? I'm not surprised.
Lucy Ricardo: I am. I didn't think he knew how to pronounce it.
Ethel Mertz: There's lots of things you're good at.
Lucy Ricardo: Like what?
Ethel Mertz: Well, you're awfully good at... uh... You've always been great at...
Lucy Ricardo: Those are the same ones Ricky came up with.
Lucy Ricardo: [a large woman has just sat on Lucy] Madam, it doesn't seem to be getting through to you, but this seat is taken.
Ricky Ricardo: [sees pancakes on his plate] Hey! Tortillas!
Lucy Ricardo: [sarcastically] Yeah. I made them out of Aunt Jemima Tortilla Mix.
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, I keep forgetting here in America you call them Flap Cakes.
Lucy Ricardo: Come again?
Ricky Ricardo: Hot Jacks?
Lucy Ricardo: You were closer with tortillas. They are Hot Cakes!
Ricky Ricardo: Oh!
Ricky Ricardo: No, these are Cold Cakes.
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy gets caught spying on the neighbors] I was, uh... bird-watching!
Ricky Ricardo: Bird-watching?
Lucy Ricardo: Uh, yeah! Do you know that there's a yellow-bellied woodpecker on our lawn?
Ricky Ricardo: No, but I know that there's a red-headed cuckoo in the living room.
[while Lucy is trying out the new mind reading act at Ricky's club:]
Mindreader's assistant: What is your date of birth?
Lucy Ricardo: August 6th.
Mindreader's assistant: August 6th what?
Lucy Ricardo: August 6th period.
Ethel Mertz: What are you writing about?
Lucy Ricardo: I'm writing about things I know.
Ethel Mertz: That won't be a novel that will be a short story
Ricky Ricardo: [with heavy accent] I won't switch apartments. Understand?
Lucy Ricardo: Yes.
Ricky Ricardo: What did I say?
Lucy Ricardo: "I wun't swish aparments".
Ricky Ricardo: Fred, I've got an awful problem on my hands.
Fred Mertz: You should have thought about that before you married her.
Ethel Mertz: Fred, I'm sorry I said you were a dumb bunny.
Fred Mertz: And I'm sorry you're so fat you sat on my glasses and broke'em.
Ethel Mertz: I refuse to go anywhere with someone who thinks I am a hippopotamus.
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, is this true?
Lucy Ricardo: No, I just implied that she was a little hippy... though she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.
Ricky Ricardo: Did Ricky give you a tough day?
Lucy Ricardo: No, just the same as any other day: after breakfast, I put on his snow suit. I pull on his galoshes. I slip on his mittens. I walk him to the park. He chases the pigeons. I chase after him. He runs after the squirrels. I run after him. He get's on the swing. I push the swing. We go on the teeter-totter. He teeters, I totter. Then we leave the park and we walk home. I pull off his galoshes. I pull off his mittens. I pull off his snow suit. I tell him to go into his room and play with his teddy bear. And that is why you find me sitting here with my coat and my boots on.
Ricky Ricardo: Whew! I'm worn out from just listening.
Lucy Ricardo: If some other woman were to take Fred away from you, you'd be singing a different tune, too.
Ethel Mertz: Yeah, "Happy Days Are Here Again".
[while watching Lucy and Ricky kiss]
Ethel Mertz: Isn't that sweet? Just like two lovebirds.
Fred Mertz: What are you, a bird watcher?
Lucy Ricardo: I wish there were a place to sit where we could see both sides.
Bus Driver: There is.
Lucy Ricardo: Where?
Bus Driver: I can strap you to the front of the bus.
Lucy Ricardo: Well.
Ricky Ricardo: We've got to use our brains.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, let's see...
Ricky Ricardo: You stay out of this.
Ricky Ricardo: I can't afford it.
Lucy Ricardo: Those must have been the first English words you learned.
Ricky Ricardo: Something's wrong with the electricity. My shaver isn't working.
Lucy Ricardo: Something's wrong with the gas. My chicken isn't working.
Lucy Ricardo: Ricky, I'd like you to meet my second first husband.
Lucy Ricardo: What are you? The Cuban television network?
Ricky Ricardo: Yes. CBS. The Cuban Broadcasting System.
Lucy Ricardo: Ah, that must be my good friend Ethel. Don't get up Fredrick, I'll get it.
Fred Mertz: Get it? I was gonna lock it!
Ethel Mertz: [does not believe that Lucy got her black eye when Ricky accidentally tossed her a book with poor aim, and suspects abuse instead] This is Ethel, your friend, to whom you may turn in time of crisis.
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, have you been drinking?
Ricky Ricardo: Fred, how often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?
Fred Mertz: Never.
Ricky Ricardo: Never? How do you manage that?
Ethel Mertz: It's easy. I never had enough money at one time to open a checking account.
Fred Mertz: She spends money like I'm printing it in the basement!
Lucy Ricardo: Did I get any suntan?
Ricky Ricardo: No.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, darn it.
Ricky Ricardo: [with his thick accent] Honey, why don't you forget about getting a suntan. You always get burned with your fair skin.
Lucy Ricardo: My fur skin?
Lucy Ricardo: Ever since we said "I do", there have been so many things that we don't.
Ricky Ricardo: (losing his temper after Lucy screwed up his chance to be in a Broadway Play) You did what?
Lucy Ricardo: I was only trying to help.
Ricky Ricardo: (shouting) Help?
Lucy Ricardo: HELP.
Fred Mertz: We'll sue you.
Ricky Ricardo: Yeah? We'll see who's gonna sue who.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, we'll sue who's gonna see...
[Lucy is feigning amnesia]
Lucy Ricardo: My mother told me never to talk to strange men... whoever she is.
Ethel Mertz: Where you afraid you'd lose me?
Fred Mertz: I'll say, that outfit you're wearing is rented.
Ethel Mertz: If I let my hair go like that you'd never let me hear the end of it.
Fred Mertz: Honeybunch, if the rest of you looked like that I wouldn't care if you were bald.
[Lucy is dressed as Lucille McGillicuddy, after tasting homemade salad dressing]
Lucy Ricardo: What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me?
Fred Mertz: [working in a diner] Adam and Eve on a raft. Wreck'em!
[after seeing Ethel in a tight leopard print dress]
Fred Mertz: I was waiting for Ethel to say Trick or Treat!
Lucy Ricardo: You look like an ad for a trip around the world.
Ricky Ricardo: What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something?
Lucy Ricardo: [listening to a doctor's diagnosis] I got the Gobloots from a Blu-Shoo bird?
Lucy Ricardo: How would you feel if Fred was smoldering with jealousy?
Ethel Mertz: Fred wouldn't smolder if he banged into a blowtorch.
Lucy Ricardo: Will you at least wait for us?
Bus Driver: Go ahead. TRY me.
Lucy Ricardo: Go ahead. Try me.
[Lucy was imitating the angry bus driver]
Lucy Ricardo: [talking to Ethyl about Ricky] He's put his foot down so many times, I feel like I'm married to a cuban centipede.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, Lucy, I know you're not going to move, but if you ever do move, don't move.
Fred Mertz: [says Little Ricky can't keep a dog in the apartment] That pooch has got to go!
Little Ricky: [walks in] Mommy! I thought of a name for my dog.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh?
Little Ricky: His name is Fred.
Lucy Ricardo: Fred? Well how did you ever come up with that?
Little Ricky: I always name my pets after people I like!
Ethel Mertz: [Fred turns to leave] Fred? Where are you going?
Fred Mertz: Down to the basement to get the box!