Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.
Elwood P. Dowd: Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it.
Elwood P. Dowd: Harvey and I sit in the bars... have a drink or two... play the juke box. And soon the faces of all the other people they turn toward mine and they smile. And they're saying, "We don't know your name, mister, but you're a very nice fella." Harvey and I warm ourselves in all these golden moments. We've entered as strangers - soon we have friends. And they come over... and they sit with us... and they drink with us... and they talk to us. They tell about the big terrible things they've done and the big wonderful things they'll do. Their hopes, and their regrets, and their loves, and their hates. All very large, because nobody ever brings anything small into a bar. And then I introduce them to Harvey... and he's bigger and grander than anything they offer me. And when they leave, they leave impressed. The same people seldom come back; but that's envy, my dear. There's a little bit of envy in the best of us.
Wilson: [reading from an encyclopedia] "P O O K A - Pooka - from old Celtic mythology - a fairy spirit in animal form - always very large. The pooka appears here and there - now and then - to this one and that one - a benign but mischievous creature - very fond of rumpots, crackpots, and how are you, Mr. Wilson?" "How are you, Mr. Wilson?" Who in the encyclopedia wants to know?
Elwood P. Dowd: I'd just put Ed Hickey into a taxi. Ed had been mixing his rye with his gin, and I just felt that he needed conveying. Well, anyway, I was walking down along the street and I heard this voice saying, "Good evening, Mr. Dowd." Well, I turned around and here was this big six-foot rabbit leaning up against a lamp-post. Well, I thought nothing of that because when you've lived in a town as long as I've lived in this one, you get used to the fact that everybody knows your name. And naturally I went over to chat with him. And he said to me... he said, "Ed Hickey was a little spiffed this evening, or could I be mistaken?" Well, of course, he was not mistaken. I think the world and all of Ed, but he was spiffed. Well, we talked like that for awhile and then I said to him, I said, "You have the advantage on me. You know my name and I don't know yours." And, and right back at me he said, "What name do you like?" Well, I didn't even have to think twice about that. Harvey's always been my favorite name. So I said to him, I said, "Harvey." And, uh, this is the interesting thing about the whole thing: He said, "What a coincidence. My name happens to be Harvey."
Elwood P. Dowd: Years ago, my mother used to say to me, she'd say "In this world, Elwood, you can be oh so so smart, or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart... I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.
Elwood P. Dowd: I always have a wonderful time, wherever I am, whomever I'm with.
Wilson: Who's Harvey?
Miss Kelly: A white rabbit, six feet tall.
Wilson: Six feet?
Elwood P. Dowd: Six feet three and a half inches. Now let's stick to the facts.
Dr. Sanderson: I think that your sister's condition stems from trauma.
Elwood P. Dowd: From what?
Dr. Sanderson: Uh, trauma. Spelled t-r-a-u-m-a. It means shock. There's nothing unusual about it. There's the "birth trauma" - the shock of being born...
Elwood P. Dowd: That's the one we never get over.
Dr. Chumley: This sister of yours is at the bottom of a conspiracy against you. She's trying to persuade me to lock you up. Today, she had commitment papers drawn up. She has your power of attorney and the key to your safety box, and she brought you here!
Elwood P. Dowd: My sister did all that in one afternoon. That Veta certainly is a whirlwind, isn't she?
The Taxi Driver: ...I've been driving this route for 15 years. I've brought 'em out here to get that stuff, and I've drove 'em home after they had it. It changes them... On the way out here, they sit back and enjoy the ride. They talk to me; sometimes we stop and watch the sunsets, and look at the birds flyin'. Sometimes we stop and watch the birds when there ain't no birds. And look at the sunsets when its raining. We have a swell time. And I always get a big tip. But afterwards, oh oh...
Veta Louise Simmons: "Afterwards, oh oh"? What do you mean, "afterwards, oh oh"?
The Taxi Driver: They crab, crab, crab. They yell at me. Watch the lights. Watch the brakes, Watch the intersections. They scream at me to hurry. They got no faith in me, or my buggy. Yet, it's the same cab, the same driver. and we're going back over the very same road. It's no fun. And no tips... After this he'll be a perfectly normal human being. And you know what stinkers they are! I'm glad I met you.
Dr. Sanderson: Think carefully, Dowd. Didn't you know somebody, sometime, someplace by the name of Harvey? Didn't you ever know anybody by that name?
Elwood P. Dowd: No, no, not one, Doctor. Maybe that's why I always had such hopes for it.
Veta Louise Simmons: Myrtle Mae, you have a lot to learn, and I hope you never learn it.
Elwood P. Dowd: You see, science has overcome time and space. Well, Harvey has overcome not only time and space, but any objections.
Dr. Chumley: Fly specks, fly specks! I've been spending my life among fly specks while miracles have been leaning on lampposts at 18th and Fairfax!
Elwood P. Dowd: Well, thank you Harvey! I prefer you too.
Veta Louise Simmons: I took a course in art last winter. I learnt the difference between a fine oil painting, and a mechanical thing, like a photograph. The photograph shows only the reality. The painting shows not only the reality, but the dream behind it. It's our dreams, doctor, that carry us on. They separate us from the beasts. I wouldn't want to go on living if I thought it was all just eating, and sleeping, and taking my clothes off, I mean putting them on...
Elwood P. Dowd: Miss Kelly, perhaps you'd like this flower. I seem to have misplaced my buttonhole.
Elwood P. Dowd: Miss Kelly, you know, when you wear my flower you make it beautiful.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh, you can't miss him Mrs. Chumley. He's a Pooka.
Mrs. Hazel Chumley: A Pooka? Is that something new?
Elwood P. Dowd: No. No, as I understand it that's something very old.
Elwood P. Dowd: Wouldn't that get a little monotonous, just Akron, cold beer and 'poor, poor thing' for two weeks?
Veta Louise Simmons: Oh, Myrtle, don't be didactic. It's not becoming in a young girl. Besides, men loathe it.
Mrs. Ethel Chauvenet: Does Elwood see anybody these days?
Veta Louise Simmons: Oh, yes, Aunt Ethel, Elwood sees *somebody*.
Wilson: Hello, sweetheart. Well, well. Those for me?
Veta Louise Simmons: [Picking flowers] For you? I should say not. They're for my brother, Elwood. He's devoted to ranunculur.
Wilson: Sure. Well, wouldn't you like to come inside and pick some off the wallpaper.
Veta Louise Simmons: Well - no thank you, these will do nicely. Good day.
Wilson: I'll tell you something, Myrt.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Yeah?
Wilson: You know, you not only got a nice build, but you got something else, too.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Really? What?
Wilson: You got the screwiest uncle that ever stuck his puss inside our nuthouse.
[Elwood bumps into an old friend he hasn't seen for some time]
Elwood P. Dowd: You've been away.
Mr. Miggles: For 90 days. Been doin' a job for the state. Makin' license plates.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh, is that so? Interesting work?
Mr. Miggles: I can take it or leave it alone.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh, I see.
Mr. Miggles: I did a job for 'em last year too. Helpin' 'em build a road.
Dr. Chumley: I'm Dr. Chumley. You're Mrs. Simmons, of course.
Veta Louise Simmons: Yes, well, I'm glad to know you, Dr. Chumley. Would you mind asking Judge Gaffney to come back here?
Dr. Chumley: Why, certainly, certainly.
Veta Louise Simmons: I want to tell him to sue you for $100,000. I don't think $50,000 is enough.
Dr. Sanderson: It sounds funny, but I'll miss this place. I guess I'll miss a lot of things around here.
Miss Kelly: You will?
Dr. Sanderson: You won't laugh?
Miss Kelly: Of course not.
Dr. Sanderson: You know how it is working around people day after day. You sort of get attached to them.
Miss Kelly: I know, Lyman.
Dr. Sanderson: It may be ridiculous, but I'm gonna miss every one of the psychos, and the neuros, and the schizos in the place.
Elwood P. Dowd: [talking about Harvey] Did I tell you he could stop clocks?
Dr. Chumley: To what purpose.
Elwood P. Dowd: Well, you've heard the expression; 'his face would stop a clock'.
Dr. Chumley: Mm-hmm.
Elwood P. Dowd: Well, Harvey can look at your clock... and stop it. And you can go anywhere you like, with anyone you like, and stay as long as you like, and when you get back... not one minute will have ticked by.
Mrs. Ethel Chauvenet: Is, is that Mrs. Frank Cummings? Doesn't she look ghastly, I thought she was dead. I must get a closer look.
Veta Louise Simmons: As I was going down to the taxi cab to get Elwood's things, this awful man stepped out. He was a white slaver, I know he was. He was wearing one of those white suits, that's how they advertise.
Veta Louise Simmons: Judge Gaffney, is that all those doctors do in places like that - think about sex?
Judge Gaffney: I don't know.
Veta Louise Simmons: Because if it is they ought to be ashamed of themselves. It's all in their heads anyway. Why don't they get out and take long walks in the fresh air?
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Oh, mother, people get run over by trucks every day. Why can't something like that happen to Uncle Elwood?
Miss Kelly: Well what shall I say to Mr. Dowd? What do I do? He'll probably be so furious he'll refuse to come down here.
Dr. Sanderson: Look, Miss Kelly. He's probably fit to be tied, but he's a man, isn't he?
Miss Kelly: I guess so. His name's *Mister*!
Dr. Sanderson: Well, then, go into your old routine. You know, the eyes, the swish, the works. I'm immune to it, but I've seen it work on some people, some of the patients out here. Now, you get him down here, Kelly, if you have to do a striptease!
The Taxi Driver: Not after this. He's going to come out of there a perfectly normal human being, and you know what stinkers they are.
Elwood P. Dowd: Here, let me give you one of my cards. Now if you should ever want to call me, call me at this number. Don't call me at that one, that's the old one.
Elwood P. Dowd: I've never heard Harvey say a word against Akron.
Dr. Sanderson: You know, people are people no matter were you go.
Elwood P. Dowd: That is very often the case.
Elwood P. Dowd: Goodbye, Mr. Wilson.
Elwood P. Dowd: My regards to you and anybody else you happen to run into.
Mr. Cracker, the Bartender: Now, what can I do for you Mr. Dowd?
Elwood P. Dowd: What did you have in mind?
Mr. Cracker, the Bartender: What's your order?
Elwood P. Dowd: Eh, two martinis.
Dr. Sanderson: Oh, no! Kelly! Kelly, do you realize what you've done! This man, Dowd, can sue us for false commitment. He can own the whole sanitarium and I'll be kicked out of here faster than you can say stupid, incompetent and inefficient!
Miss Kelly: Oh, I'll tell Dr. Chumley you had nothing to do with it! It was all my fault. You're the last person in the world I'd ever want anything like this to happen to. You know that, don't you, Dr. Sanderson?
Dr. Sanderson: Miss Kelly, this is hardly the time or the place to go into the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.
Miss Kelly: ...Doctor. There's never any time or place!
Veta Louise Simmons: Myrtle Mae, see who the stranger is in the bath tub!
Elwood P. Dowd: You see, science has overcome time and space. Well, Harvey has overcome, not only time and space, but any objections.
Elwood P. Dowd: So far, I haven't been able to think of any place I'd rather be. I always have a wonderful time - wherever I am, whomever I'm with. I'm having a fine time, right here.
Elwood P. Dowd: "A diviner grace has never brightened this enchanting face." It's Ovid's fifth elegy. Ovid's always been my favorite poet. My dear, you'll never look lovelier.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Mother, why did grandmother leave all of her property to Uncle Elwood?
Veta Louise Simmons: I suppose it was because she died in his arms. People are sentimental about things like that.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Who'd want me?
Veta Louise Simmons: Oh, Mrytle, dear, you're sweet! And you have so much to offer. I don't care what anyone says, there's something sweet about every young girl. And a man takes that sweetness and look what he does with it. Oh, show some poise dear!
Judge Gaffney: Minninger! You failed!
Mr. Minninger: I didn't fail, Judge. I haven't even tried yet.
Miss Kelly: I was wondering if you would come downstairs with me, please, to Dr. Sanderson's office? There's something he'd like to explain to you.
Elwood P. Dowd: I'd be glad to, Miss Kelly, but there's another very charming girl in here a minute ago and she asked me to wait. She said something about a bath. I-I-I don't like to disappoint her. She seemed to have her heart set on.
Dr. Sanderson: Under the circumstances, I'd commit my own Grandmother.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh, does your Grandmother drink too?
Dr. Sanderson: Its just an expression.
Veta Louise Simmons: And then one of those doctors came upstairs and asked me a lot of questions - all about sex urges and all that filthy stuff.
Judge Gaffney: Anything you told Dr. Sanderson, you can tell us Veta Louise. She's your daughter and I'm your lawyer.
Veta Louise Simmons: I know which is which. I don't want to talk about it.
Veta Louise Simmons: Myrtle Mae I hope that never, never, as long as you live, a man tears the clothes off you and sets you down in a tub of water.
Miss Kelly: I came down here to say goodbye to you. So, goodbye, good luck and good riddance!
Dr. Sanderson: Now, what happened after you introduced Dr. Chumley to Harvey?
Elwood P. Dowd: Well, Harvey suggested that I buy him a drink. And knowing that he doesn't like to drink alone, well, I suggested that Dr. Chummy join him.
Dr. Sanderson: Yes?
Elwood P. Dowd: We joined him.
Dr. Sanderson: Go on.
Elwood P. Dowd: We joined him again.
Dr. Chumley: I know where I'd go.
Elwood P. Dowd: Where?
Dr. Chumley: I'd go to Akron.
Elwood P. Dowd: Akron? Oh, yes.
Dr. Chumley: There's a cottage camp just outside of Akron and a grove of maple trees. Green, cool, beautiful.
Elwood P. Dowd: That's my favorite tree.
Dr. Chumley: And I'd go there with a pretty woman.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh!
Dr. Chumley: A strange woman. A quiet woman.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh, under a tree?
Dr. Chumley: I wouldn't even want to know her name. Where I would be just "Mr. Smith." And I would send out for cold beer.
Elwood P. Dowd: No whiskey, huh?
Dr. Chumley: No. Then I would tell her things. Things that I've never told to anyone. Things that are locked deep in here. And as I talk to her, I would want her to hold out a soft white hand and say, "Poor thing. Poor, poor thing."
Elwood P. Dowd: Well, I think this calls for a celebration! Why don't we all go down to Charlie's Place and have a drink?
Veta Louise Simmons: You're not going anywhere, Elwood. You're staying right here.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Yes, Uncle Elwood.
Judge Gaffney: Stay here, son.
Elwood P. Dowd: I plan to leave, you want me to stay. Oh, an element of conflict in any discussion is a very good thing. It shows everybody is taking part and nobody is left out. I like that.
Mr. Cracker, the Bartender: [to Wilson] One more peep outta you, weisenheimer, and I'll butter your necktie.
Elwood P. Dowd: That's envy my dear, there's a little bit of envy in the best of us.
Mailman: Is this 348?
Elwood P. Dowd: Yes, it is.
Mailman: I gotta special delivery here.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh, that sounds interesting.
Mailman: It's for Dowd.
Elwood P. Dowd: Dowd. Dowd's my name. Elwood P. Let me give you one of my cards.
Mailman: That won't be necessary sir. Just, eh, sign right here. Beautiful day.
Elwood P. Dowd: Oh, every day's a beautiful day.
Veta Louise Simmons: You take your hands off me! Don't you touch me! You white slaver, you!
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Oh, mother, why can't we live like other people.
Veta Louise Simmons: Myrtle Mae, do I have to keep reminding you? Your Uncle Elwood is not living with us, we're living with him.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Living with him and his pal!
Veta Louise Simmons: You promised.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: His pal Harvey!
Veta Louise Simmons: You said that name! You promised you wouldn't say that name and you said it.
Miss Tewksbury: [singing] Hop, hop, hop, hop, hippity hop! On the golden sea. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hippity hop! Love is all I need...
Veta Louise Simmons: Aunt Ethel!
Mrs. Ethel Chauvenet: Veta Louise Simmons, I thought you were dead!
Veta Louise Simmons: This is my daughter, Myrtle Mae.
Mrs. Ethel Chauvenet: My dear, you're your grandmother all over again. I was at her funeral.
Veta Louise Simmons: It's Dowd. Elwood P. Dowd.
Miss Kelly: Elwood P. Dowd. His age?
Veta Louise Simmons: Forty-two the twenty-fourth of last April. He's Taurus. Taurus, the bull. I'm Leo and Myrtle's on the cusp.
Veta Louise Simmons: Doctor, everything I say to you is confidential, isn't it?
Dr. Sanderson: I am not a gossip, Mrs. Simmons. I am a psychiatrist.
Wilson: [Carrying Veta over his shoulders] How about giving me a hand here beautiful? I'll sit on her. You can strip her clothes off.
Nurse Dunphy: You'll just have to wait... I've gotta give some guy a bubble bath.
Wilson: Okay, honey, Make it snappy!
Elwood P. Dowd: [to Harvey] You could have had a bath too.
Miss Kelly: [Turns around to address Elwood] I've already had a bath.
Dr. Sanderson: Dr. Chumley, I'm afraid there's been a serous error.
Dr. Chumley: Dr. Sanderson, we don't permit errors in this institution.
Wilson: Hey, now, look, now somebody's gonna have to give me a hand with that Simmons dame. She's terrible! You know, I had to take her corset off all by myself!
Wilson: Holy smoke! I left the water running on that Simmons dame in a hydra tub.
Wilson: Hello, Dunphy, I left that Simmons dame soakin' in 13. Do me a favor, will ya, honey? Turn off the juice.
Mrs. Hazel Chumley: Wilson... What's a Pooka?
Wilson: What's a what?
Mrs. Hazel Chumley: A Pooka.
Wilson: A Pooka?
Veta Louise Simmons: The minute their backs were turned I ran like a frightened rabbit. Oh! I didn't mean to say that! I don't know what I'm saying.
Veta Louise Simmons: Let me get my breath and, then, let me get upstairs to my own bed where I can let go!
Wilson: I don't want no part of that wacky dame! I'm lookin' for that other screwball.
Wilson: Where's this guy Elwood P. Dowd? That screwball with a rabbit. What's a matter? Are you goofy too? You a member of this cockeyed family?
Wilson: You know, if we grab your uncle, you'll probably be coming out to the sanatorium on visitin' days.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Oh, really? I don't know, I...
Wilson: Well, if you do, I'll be there.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: You will?
Wilson: If you don't see me right away, stick around for a little while, I'll show up.
Elwood P. Dowd: I used to know a whole lot of dances. The-the-the-eh- the flea hop, and-and, what's the - eh - the black bottom, the variety drag. I don't, I don't know, I just don't seem to have any time any more. I have so many things to do.
Judge Gaffney: You wait right here, Veta girl.
Veta Louise Simmons: I will not wait here. I'm going in with you.
Judge Gaffney: You're a very high strung girl. This may be an ordeal.
Miss Kelly: Is he married?
Veta Louise Simmons: No. Elwood never married. He always stayed with mother. He was a great home boy. He loved his home.
Wilson: Where is she? That little dame that just come out - where'd she go?
Dr. Sanderson: Please, sit down.
Elwood P. Dowd: After Miss Kelly.
Miss Kelly: Oh, no, really, Mr. Dowd. I couldn't. I'm in-and-out all the time.
Judge Gaffney: What'd he do, Veta?
Veta Louise Simmons: He took me upstairs and he tore my clothes off!
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Oh, did you hear that Judge? Go on, Mother.
Veta Louise Simmons: And then he dumped me down in a tub of water.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Oh, for heaven's sake.
Myrtle Mae Simmons: Why did you send him away! Some people can certainly pick the best times to keep other people from becoming acquainted!