Life with Father (1947)
Father: I don't go to church to be preached at as though I were some lost sheep.
Vinnie: Clare, you don't seem to understand what the Church is for.
Father: Vinnie, if there's one place the Church should leave alone, it's a man's soul!
Vinnie: Is that suit of your father's too tight for you?
Clarence Day: No, it's not too tight.
Vinnie: Well, what is it?
Clarence Day: Mother, very peculiar things have happened since I started to wear this suit. I can't seem to make these clothes do anything Father wouldn't do.
Vinnie: Oh, that's nonsense. And not to kneel in church is a sacrilege.
Clarence Day: Making Father's trousers kneel seemed like more of a sacrilege.
Father: They can't keep me out of heaven on a technicality!
Father: Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats?
Father: Work never hurt anyone. It's good for them. But if you're going to work, work hard. King Solomon had the right idea about work. "Whatever thy hand findest to do," Solomon said, "do thy doggonedest."
Rev. Dr. Lloyd: After considerable thought, we voted that our supporting members should each contribute a sum equal to the cost of their pew.
Father: I paid $5,000 for that pew.
Vinnie: Yes, Clare, that makes our contribution $5,000.
Father: That's robbery. Do you know what that pew is worth today? $3,000. That's what the last one sold for. I've taken a dead loss on that pew of $2,000 already. Frank Bags sold me that pew when the market was at its peak. He knew when to get out. And I'm warning you, Vinnie. If the market ever goes up, I'm going to unload that pew!
Rev. Dr. Lloyd: Mrs. Day, your husband is a practical man. We've had to be practical about the new church. We have all the facts and figures.
Father: Oh? What's the property worth where we are now?
Rev. Dr. Lloyd: Oh, let's see. Is it $40,000? I know the figure has a four in it.
Father: What's the new piece of property going to cost you?
Rev. Dr. Lloyd: I think the figure I heard mentioned was $85,000. Or was it $185,000?
Father: Dr. Lloyd, you preach that someday, we'll all have to answer to God.
Rev. Dr. Lloyd: We shall indeed.
Father: Well, I hope God doesn't ask you any questions with figures in them!
Vinnie: Why didn't you kneel in the church today?
Clarence Day: I... I just couldn't.
Vinnie: Just because your father doesn't kneel, you must remember he wasn't brought up to kneel in church, but you *were*. Has it anything to do with Mary? I know that she is a Methodist.
Clarence Day: Oh, no, mother. Methodists kneel, Mary told me. They don't get up and down so much, but they stay down longer.
Father: What's that doing in here?
Vinnie: That's our new rubber plant.
Father: The place for rubber plants is on the equator. Take that object out, Catherine. You're not Catherine.
Annie: No, sir.
Father: Good. Never liked Catherine, anyway.
Miss Wiggins: Sir, before I can let any girl go from this establishment, I must know the character of the home in which she will be employed.
Father: Madam, *I* am the character of my home.
Mary: That's funny. The words are the same, but it's the wrong tune.
Clarence Day: Oh, it can't be the wrong tune. We sing it exactly that way in church.
Mary: We don't sing it that way in the Methodist Church. You see, we're Methodist.
Clarence Day: Oh, that's too bad. Oh, I don't mean it's too bad that you're a Methodist. Anybody's got a right to be anything they want, but what I mean is, we're... *Episcopalians*.
Father: What did you pay for it?
[speaking of the pug dog figurine]
Vinnie: I didn't pay anything. I charged it.
Father: [advising his son on man-woman relationships] All a man has to do is be firm. You know how some times *I* have had to be firm with your mother.
Clarence Day: Yes, but father, but what can you do when they cry?
Father: Hmm... well, uh... that's quite a question. You just have to make them understand that what you are doing is for their good.
Clarence Day: I see...
Father: Now, Clarence, you know all about women.
Father: [stands up to signal the end of the conversation]
Clarence Day: But father...
Father: Yes, Clarence?
Clarence Day: I thought you were going to tell me about...
Father: About what?
Clarence Day: About... women.
Father: Clarence, there are some things gentlemen don't discuss! I told you all you need to know.
Harlan: I guess the minister is coming to baptize father so he won't have to go to hell.
Whitney: He can't be baptized in a house. You gotta have water.
Harlan: We have lots of water.
Whitney: Not the right kind!
Clarence Day: Jiminy, another wreck on the New Haven. That always disturbs the stock market. Father won't like that.
Vinnie: I do wish the New Haven would stop having wrecks. If they knew how much it upsets your father.
Vinnie: I do the best I can to keep down expenses. You know yourself Cousin Phoebe spends twice as much as we do.
Father: Don't talk to me about your cousin Phoebe.
Vinnie: You talk about your own relatives enough.
Vinnie: That's not fair, Vinnie. When I talk about my relatives, I criticize them.
Vinnie: But Clare, they're just staying in that little room of Clarence's.
Father: The trouble is, they don't stay there. They stay in the bathroom. Every time I want to take a bath, it's full of giggling females washing their hair!
Vinnie: That's the loveliest ring you ever bought me. Now that I have this, you needn't buy me any more rings.
Father: Well, if you don't want anymore ...
Vinnie: What I'd really like now is a nice diamond necklace.
Father: You're going to every house where you sold a bottle of that concoction and buy it all back.
John Day: But it's a dollar a bottle.
Father: I don't care how much it is. Here, I'll give you the money now. How many bottles did you sell?
John Day: A hundred and twenty-eight.
Father: A hundred and twenty-eight!
Vinnie: Clare, I always told you John would make a good businessman.
Father: Young man, you'll have to come down to my office with me. I'll give you the money to buy back that medicine. $128, and $10 more for Mrs. Sprague's dog, that's $138. But it's all coming out of your allowance. That means you'll not get another penny until the whole $138 is paid up.
John Day: [does math on his fingers] I'll be twenty-one years old!