George Washington Slept Here (1942) Poster

Jack Benny: Bill Fuller



  • Bill Fuller : [reading the letter from the old boot]  Gentlemen: We are facing a time of peril so grave in our brief National history, that there is now only the choice of serving the country a little longer, or having the country no longer to serve. Under the favor of Almighty God, we have become a Nation. Let me say to you that I hate war. But we remain one Nation, one People, that time is not distant when we may choose war o'er peace... In the words of Thom Paine, 'THESE are the times that try men's souls. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly: it is dearness alone that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated.' George Washington November 10, 1777

  • Connie Fuller : Darling, are you alright?

    Bill Fuller : Oh, fine. Fine.

    [looks around] 

    Bill Fuller : Well, at least nothing can happen for ANOTHER 17 years.

    [Both Bill and Connie fall into a boarded up well, followed by a big splash] 

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : [looking inside]  Mr. and Mrs. Fuller struck water! WHOOPIIIIEEEE!

  • Connie Fuller : Bill! Why don't we invite Mr. Kimber? After all, it's HIS cider.

    Bill Fuller : Well, sure!

    [calling out the window] 


  • Bill Fuller : Connie, why didn't you tell me about this letter from the bank?

    Connie Fuller : I didn't want to bother you, Bill.

    Bill Fuller : Bother me? It's just a letter about foreclosure, that's all.

  • Connie Fuller : It's Saturday afternoon. I'm taking you for a drive in the country.

    Bill Fuller : A drive? What do I want to drive in the country for? It's full of insects.

  • Bill Fuller : When George Washington slept here, where did he hang his clothes? There isn't a closet in there. And apparently, he never had to go to the bathroom.

  • Raymond : Y'know, I nearly killed Pop once. They stopped me just in time. I was only a kid then.

    Bill Fuller : They should've put you in an electric highchair. Sit down, ya' rat!

  • Raymond : [hanging from a tree branch]  Hey Uncle Bill, look at me, I'm Tarzan the apeman!


    Raymond : Look at me, up in a tree!

    Bill Fuller : Right where he belongs.

  • Bill Fuller : I can just see myself ending my days here. I can hear them say, 'There's the old Fuller's place up the road. Ever meet old man Fuller? He's a HERMIT! Don't let your children go near him, he'll eat their arms off!'

    [suddenly falls into an old, boarded-up well] 

  • Bill Fuller : [stomping up the stairs]  Is it safe to walk up this thing in September, or must I install a ski lift?

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Ain't had a good snowstorm in about... three years.

    Connie Fuller : You just wait until you see it a month from now when it's fixed up. We're going to do it all with local labor. Aren't we, Mr. Kimber? Mr. Kimber's going to superintend the whole thing. Can't you just see the possibilities?

    Bill Fuller : Connie, I don't see how you do it... or WHY!

  • Bill Fuller : Look at this place! Just LOOK at it!

    Connie Fuller : But, it was a terrific bargain, Bill. I got it as a terrific bargain.

    Bill Fuller : [in mock disbelief]  MORE than a dollar?

  • Bill Fuller : [stepping off a train with a box of gardening supplies]  Got my hands full, Sam. I'll tip you tomorrow.

    Sam, Porter at Train : [watching Bill walk away]  Same thing everyday.

  • Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Mr. Fuller, every time you open the screen door, some flies get in.

    Bill Fuller : Oh, so it's MY fault for coming into the house!

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Well, it'd be better if you didn't.

    Bill Fuller : I see...

  • Connie Fuller : Darling, what's the matter with your head.

    Bill Fuller : There's nothing the matter with MY head, Connie. I'm holding it because it's the only head left in the family.

  • Connie Fuller : Please say you're not angry.

    Bill Fuller : Angry? I could spit from here to Mt. Vernon.

  • Bill Fuller : Connie, I don't know how you do it... or why.

  • Bill Fuller : What's that?

    Connie Fuller : It's an early American music box, Bill. I picked it up in Pennsylvania at an auction.

    Bill Fuller : You mean you had to bid for a thing like that?

    Connie Fuller : I couldn't resist it.

    Bill Fuller : A colonial juke box.

  • Connie Fuller : Why, the whole countryside is tied up in American history.

    Bill Fuller : Africa is tied up with African history, but I don't feel like driving there... A drive? What do I want to drive in the country for? It's full of insects.

  • Connie Fuller : The road we're on - it's the old York Road. Washington crossed the Delaware just a little ways from here. Don't you get kind of a thrill?

    Bill Fuller : What's the matter with you, Connie? You know you are in America.

  • Connie Fuller : Isn't it exciting? Two hundred years old.

    Bill Fuller : No! Looks like a motel for buzzards.

  • Bill Fuller : Let me get this straight. You have purchased this outhouse?

    Connie Fuller : It's ours... It was a terrific bargain, Bill.

  • Connie Fuller : What's the matter with your head?

    Bill Fuller : There's nothing wrong with my head, Connie. I'm holding it because it's the only head left in the family.

  • Bill Fuller : Well, I see the Black Hole of Calcutta hasn't changed a bit.

  • Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : And then there's the trees. We ought to start in doing something about the trees pretty soon.

    Bill Fuller : Just what are we supposed to do about the trees, Mr. Kimber, pay 'em for standing here?

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : You gotta spray 'em. You see, we got them elm trees over there. They're liable to get the elm blight. And the two oaks over by the house - they're liable to get the oak borer. This big willow, it's got a canker in it already. And of course, there's the tent caterpillar and the measuring worm.

  • Connie Fuller : Well, I didn't know about the trees, Mr. Kimber.

    Bill Fuller : Oh, yes, Connie. You see, the measuring worm measures how much money you've got, gets in touch with Mr. Kimber, and pretty soon we're living in a tent with the caterpillars.

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Then there's the Japanese Beetles. They'll be coming along July first.

  • Bill Fuller : Now, let me get this straight, Mr. Kimber. Every tree has to be sprayed, is that right?

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Yes, sir.

    Bill Fuller : Well, who goes through the woods and sprays all of those trees? They seem to be doing all right.

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : I don't know, sir. All I know is trees gotta be sprayed.

  • Bill Fuller : He ought to be sprayed, if you ask me.

  • Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Well, sir, we drilled down 40 feet and what do you think? We just struck mud.

    Connie Fuller : Mud?

    Bill Fuller : Well that's fine. Let's all go have a glass.

  • Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Let's see. We're going to need six truckloads of dirt.

    Bill Fuller : Now, just a minute, Mr. Kimber. If there's one thing this place has got, it's dirt. We are not going to buy any. Connie, we have no water. All right. But now to find that we've got no dirt. That's too much.

  • Bill Fuller : Because, when fertilizer costs more than sirloin steak, it kind of makes you stop and think.

  • Connie Fuller : Oh, Mr. Douglas owns that lovely little white house we were admiring.

    Bill Fuller : Who was admiring what little white house?

  • Bill Fuller : Well, I finally found a name for this place - Wuthering Heights.

  • Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Oh, Mrs. Fuller, this is 1942, you know?

    Connie Fuller : Well, what about it, Mr. Kimber?

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : This is the year for the 17- year locusts to arrive.

    Bill Fuller : 17-year locusts? If you ask me, they're coming to see Mr. Kimber. He looks like one.

  • Bill Fuller : Ah, a little note of welcome from the county... Road tax, a hundred and eighty-three dollars and 50 cents. Imagine what it'd be if we had a road.

  • Bill Fuller : County poor house, twenty-one dollars and 30 cents. Let's pay that and move right in.

  • Connie Fuller : Look, there's a car. They're stopping here.

    Bill Fuller : Must be Boris Karloff, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh...

  • Bill Fuller : Mr. Kimber, I don't wanna seem peevish, but isn't eight hours a day enough for that well drill?

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : The more I drill, the closer I get to water.

    Bill Fuller : Well, will you please stop for a while.

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Well, all right. But that water ain't lookin' for us. We're lookin' for the water.

  • Bill Fuller : Mr. Kimberrrrr?

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : I ain't drillin.'

  • Bill Fuller : Mr. Kimber, I have been begging you since July first to fix this screen. It's now the end of August. You're not that busy.

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Mr. Fuller, every time you open the screen door, some flies get in.

    Bill Fuller : Oh, so it's my fault for coming into the house?

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Well, it'd be better if you didn't.

    Bill Fuller : I see.

    Mr. 'Kimbie' Kimber, the Handyman : Well, I'll take a look at the screen.

    Bill Fuller : Yes. Look at it and watch the flies go in.

  • Bill Fuller : Now, Connie. I won't have that brat in the house. I'd rather be handcuffed to Gargantua.

  • Connie Fuller : And it's just until the divorce is over. The only thing that's holding it up now is custody of Raymond.

    Bill Fuller : You mean neither one of the parents will take him?

  • Bill Fuller : [to Raymond]  Well, if anything like that happens again, I'm going to murder you in your bed some night, so help me.

  • Bill Fuller : Well, tell him you're my wife. I don't go for that lend lease stuff.

  • Bill Fuller : Oh, I, I believe I owe you an apology, Mr. Douglas. You see, I thought, uh... well, I, I thought you were getting kind of fond of my wife, her, heh, heh.

    Jeff Douglas : Well, I am kind of fond of your wife.

    Bill Fuller : Ohhh. Well, she's a great girl all right. A great girl.

See also

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