Topper Returns (1941)
Eddie, the Chauffeur: Doors closing by themselves. People talkin' to nuthin' and gettin' answers. I'm going back.
Clara Topper: Back where?
Eddie, the Chauffeur: To Mr. Benny. Ain't nuthin' like this ever happened there.
Eddie, the Chauffeur: Pardon me, boss, but could I sort of inquire what we're going to the Carrington place for?
Cosmo Topper: To look for a body.
Eddie, the Chauffeur: Better look for one for me, too, 'cause the one I'm using now is numb.
[Two attractive woman stop a car by sitting right in the roadway]
Eddie, the Chauffeur: Uh-oh! Danger ahead. Two of 'em.
Gail Richards: Six more inches and we'd all be singing 'Annie Doesn't Live Here Anymore.'
Ann Carrington: What's that sound?
Lillian: It's the waves. Angry waves. Day after day, night after night, they beat with savage fury against the black rocks below. For twenty years they've been calling... calling... calling to someone who never answers.
Gail Richards: Just like the Pot of Gold program.
Sgt. Roberts: So you admit there is a body.
Cosmo Topper: Yes. I came over here to look for it.
Sgt. Roberts: Well, how did you know it was here?
Cosmo Topper: She told me.
Sgt. Roberts: She? Who's she?
Cosmo Topper: The dead girl.
Sgt. Roberts: Why did you kill her?
Cosmo Topper: I didn't!
Sgt. Roberts: That's only ONE man's opinion.
Cosmo Topper: I can prove it.
Sgt. Roberts: How?
Cosmo Topper: Leave me alone in that room for a minute.
Sgt. Roberts: Ho-ho, I'm not THAT dumb.
Bob: Well, that's only one man's opinion, too.
Clara Topper: Why, you're all wet. Is it raining out? Oh, but you haven't been out. Can't be raining in. Well, if it has, it's all cleared up.
Cosmo Topper: Would you mind telling me where you ladies are taking me?
Ann Carrington: To the Carrington Estate.
Eddie, the Chauffeur: Uh-oh.
Ann Carrington: Is there anything wrong with the Carrington place?
Eddie, the Chauffeur: Yes, ma'am! If there wasn't anybody livin' there, it would be a haunted house.
Gail Richards: I'm starved. You forgot we didn't have any dinner.
Lillian: Rama will bring you a tray.
Gail Richards: Oh, any little thing will do. Lobster salad and beer. But, nothing heavy!
Rama the Butler: Very sorry, Miss. But, we have no beer. I brought you some wine.
Gail Richards: Wine? Why, that's champagne!
Rama the Butler: Yes, Miss.
Gail Richards: Oh! Put it down, buddy.
Clara Topper: I think its ridiculous for a man of your age to pursue young girls. What will the neighbors think?
Cosmo Topper: I didn't pursue them, Clara. They forced themselves on me.
Clara Topper: Don't be absurd! Imagine girls, pretty girls, forcing themselves on a paunchy, middle-aged man.
Cosmo Topper: Why, I don't think I'm paunchy.
Clara Topper: Don't try to change the subject! At least you might have waved to me when you went by!
Cosmo Topper: I've explained that, darling. I couldn't. That girl was sitting on my lap.
Clara Topper: I know she was! I warn you, Cosmo. If ever you do a thing like this again, I'm going back to Mama.
Bob: This young lady owes me for a taxi cab ride. I came here to collect it, she asked me up to this room, I heard her scream, and... walked into the middle of an Orson Welles broadcast.
Sgt. Roberts: Send for a straight jacket. Make it two - one for me.
Sgt. Roberts: There's a pickpocket in the joint! Whoever stole that witness, put her back!
Cabbie: Well, here, read it - or am I expecting too much?
Cosmo Topper: Well, I might be a little over weight. But, I'm certainly not paunchy! In fact, I'm in pretty good shape, for the shape I'm in. After all, I'm a banker - not a glamour boy.
Gail Richards: Get your cold feet off my back! You don't need all the covers, do you?
Cosmo Topper: Get out of my bed!
Gail Richards: I won't! Not unless you come with me.
Cosmo Topper: You get out of my bed or I'll tell Mrs. Topper.
Gail Richards: What will you tell her?
Cosmo Topper: I'll tell her you're in my bed! Oh, no. I can't very well tell her that.
Cosmo Topper: I've lost the body. I've lost my car. If I don't get out of here very soon, I'll lose my mind!
Cosmo Topper: Good heavens, why should anyone want to kill Miss Carrington?
Gail Richards: Well, they killed me, didn't they.
Cosmo Topper: Yes, I can understand that.
Mr. Carrington: I think you'll find him in the sitting room.
Clara Topper: The sitting room.
Topper's Maid: Maybe she's still sitting on his lap?
Clara Topper: Sitting on his lap? Good heavens! You mean you've got a room just for that?
Clara Topper: Edward, you look for him down that way.
Eddie, the Chauffeur: Its awful dark down there.
Clara Topper: Darkness never hurt anyone.
Eddie, the Chauffeur: It ain't the darkness, Mrs. Topper. Its what's in it!
Clara Topper: Don't be silly. There's no difference light and dark; except, the lights are out.
Sgt. Roberts: [on the phone] Cosmo Topper. Well, what's he look like?
Clara Topper: Like a banker. Of course, that's because he is a banker.
Sgt. Roberts: Well, can you describe him?
Clara Topper: Well, he wears a size 15 shirt with a 33 sleeve. A 9 and a half sock liner. And he's slightly bald.
Eddie, the Chauffeur: Hold on, boss, that chair's deceptive, destructible, dis-trustworthy and this is the voice of experience!
Clara Topper: Trying to make these policemen understand something is harder than doing it yourself.
Rama the Butler: [appearing suddenly on the stoop] Good evening.
Gail Richards: [startled] Why don't you knock before you come out?
Gail Richards: What else do you do around here besides wind clocks?
Lillian: The Chinese Room will be yours, Miss Richards.
Gail Richards: Oh, you're a doll.
Gail Richards: [to Ann] Well, this is just dandy. I travel seven thousand miles just to get away from Chinamen, and here I am with everything but a bowl of rice.
Ann Carrington: Where did you last see her?
Cosmo Topper: She was sitting on a table in the hall and she hung my hat on a Chinaman's foot.
Sgt. Roberts: I'm not supposed to think - I'm from the city hall.
Sgt. Roberts: Where's your husband?
Clara Topper: In the icebox.
Sgt. Roberts: Has he got the body with him?
Clara Topper: Certainly. Under his overcoat.
Sgt. Roberts: You wouldn't, by any chance, be thinking you were a lamb chop?
Sgt. Roberts: Well, what are YOU doin' here?
Eddie, the Chauffeur: If you'd've asked me that a second later, you'd have been talkin' to yourself.
Sgt. Roberts: Nobody leaves this room. Not even me. And that goes for the both of us.
Sgt. Roberts: Innocent men stay home nights. They don't hide in iceboxes. And they don't take dead bodies on boat rides.
Sgt. Roberts: I've been in politics ten years, and I've never seen anything as balled up as this is!
Gail Richards: [Getting into Cosmo's car] Mind if I sit on your lap?
Cosmo Topper: Oh, uh, really, my dear young lady...
Ann Carrington: I'm very sorry to inconvenience you but we had a blow-out!
Gail Richards: Ah, this is comfortable. Well, what are we waiting for?
Lillian: Good night, Miss Richards.
Gail Richards: Good night.
Lillian: I hope you rest in peace.
Gail Richards: Thank you.
Gail Richards: Isn't that what they write on tombstones?
Gail Richards: Say, what do you have to do to get a bed like this? Rub a magic lamp or somethin'?
Gail Richards: Well, its strange I should be dead? I was young and healthy and I felt swell when I went to bed! So, why did I die?
Bob: What's going on here? Who's that guy in the black coat? What happened to her? Who are you?
Lillian: I'm the housekeeper!
Bob: Fine way to keep house. Women screaming. Bogeymen jumping out of windows. If I had a house like this, I wouldn't want to keep it.
Clara Topper: Oh! Where's that friend of yours? The one that goes around sitting on people's laps!
Gail Richards: Didn't your Ma ever tell you to knock on a ladies bedroom door before you barge in?
Cosmo Topper: This is most embarrassing. Why couldn't you have stayed the way you were?
Gail Richards: A negligee's hardly appropriate for solving crimes.