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You Can't Cheat an Honest Man (1939) Poster

Quotes

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Whipsnade: You kids are disgusting! Staggering around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

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Whipsnade: [sings in shower] I'd rather have two girls / At twenty-one each / Than one girl at forty-two!

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Charlie McCarthy: Nobody's going to find me after the show.

Whipsnade: Yes they are. You'll be hanging in my window as a Venetian blind.

Charlie McCarthy: That makes me shudder.

Whipsnade: Quiet or I'll throw a woodpecker on you.

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Whipsnade: As my dear old grandfather Litvak said (just before they swung the trap), he said "You can't cheat an honest man. Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump."

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Charlie McCarthy: Are you eating a tomato or is that your nose?

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Edgar Bergen: I've got a good mind to...

Charlie McCarthy: Why don't you use it?

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Whipsnade: [to Charlie] I shall send over a couple of pet beavers to romp with you.

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Whipsnade: This way, ladies and gentlemen, this way. Right up on this platform. The world's greatest novelty. The Pronkwonk Twins! Elwood and Brentwood. Elwood is ten minutes older than Brentwood and has been in a hurry ever since. Ladies and gentlemen, Brentwood is the smallest giant in the world, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science.

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Whipsnade: [to Charlie] You must come down with me - after the show - to the lumberyard... and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

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Burr: Would you like to make a few honest dollars for yourself?

Whipsnade: Do they have to be honest?

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Rochester: Mr. Waxnewt?

Whipsnade: Waxnewt? It's Windshade! Eh...

Rochester: Whipsnade.

Whipsnade: Whipsnade, yes.

Rochester: Yes, Whipsnade.

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Mr. Archibald Bel-Goodie: You absent yourself from this house immediately! You pharisee... you pecksniff... you egregious tartuffle!

Whipsnade: Tartuffle? Is that good or bad?

Mr. Archibald Bel-Goodie: You're a fraud, a charlatan and a rogue, sir!

Whipsnade: Oh, is that in my favor?

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Whipsnade: [to Roger] Cease! Hold! Enough! Young man, if there is such a thing as a tartuffle, you are just that thing. One more peep out of you and I'll give you a sound trundling. A pummeling. A trounce... Unhand me woman! A trouncing. Tartuffle huh.

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Whipsnade: I'm taking on the personality of a Mexican jumping bean. First the contortionist gets rheumatism. Then the sword-swallower gets tonsilitis. Hope nothing happens to that fan dancer... not 'til I get rid of this cold, anyway.

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Man: There's been a mistake in my change.

Whipsnade: Ah, at long last, an honest man. Want to return some money?

Man: No, I'm short!

Whipsnade: Don't brag about it. I'm only five-feet-eight myself.

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Whipsnade: Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

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Charlie McCarthy: Oop, I dropped something. Hope it didn't hit anybody. Except one.

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Whipsnade: You know, getting married is like buying a new horse... going into a strange saloon...

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Whipsnade: Wherever the people speak a civilized tongue, the name of Whipsnade is a household word!

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Mrs. Sludge: [to Phineas] Does your father play ping pong?

Whipsnade: Do I play ping pong?

[laughs]

Whipsnade: I didn't get you the first time. I was one-time champion of the Tri-state league and the Lesser Antilles. Didn't know one card from the other when I started... but I stayed up at night marking with a pen.

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Whipsnade: [to Charlie] Quiet you termites flop house.

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Whipsnade: What's going on here now? What's the idea?

Chester Dalrymple: Well, I'm Col. Dalrymple's nephew, Chester. Your new assistant.

Whipsnade: Well, that doesn't give you the right to kiss me, does it?

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Whipsnade: Don't telegraph, write!

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Edgar Bergen: Ladies and gentlemen, for my first experiment, I want to call your attention to this mystic cabinet.

Charlie McCarthy: Mystic hooey.

Edgar Bergen: This cabinet is entirely unprepared.

Charlie McCarthy: So are you.

Edgar Bergen: It consists of three walls

Charlie McCarthy: - and a false bottom. You can see it right down there.

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Western Union Man: Telegram for Larceny Whipsnake.

Whipsnade: Eh, messenger boy. Thank you.

Western Union Man: Larceny Whipsnake?

Whipsnade: Give me that telegram! It's not Larceny, Larsen E. and it's not Whipsnake it's Whipsnade.

Western Union Man: Okay, Snake, how 'bout a tip?

Whipsnade: I'll give you a tip - I'll part your hair with a wagon tongue.

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Rochester: Boss, it's time for your bath, sir.

Whipsnade: How time flies! Seems only yesterday it was Monday.

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Party Girl: All right, Phineas Whipsnade. But, let me tell you something: I'll never buy gas for your car again.

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Roger Bel-Goodie: You know, mother's going to be quite upset about not being able to go to Europe. She'll miss her Baden-Baden. Bad, if you know.

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Phineas Whipsnade: Okay. Go on your merry way and let the old man wind up behind the eight ball.

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Whipsnade: Demon rum. My heart bleeds for those poor boys.

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Rochester: It's time for the side show, Mr. Ribsteak.

Whipsnade: Ribsteak? You don't mean sirloin with onions, by any chance, do you? It's Whipsnade!

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Rochester: You ain't by chance referin' to one of us little colored boys, are ya?

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Whipsnade: Won't that be duckie! Oh, that'll be wonderful!

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Charlie McCarthy: You will be careful, won't you? Baba?

Princess Baba: Yes, my little lamb.

Charlie McCarthy: Oh, Baaaba, I want to be your black sheep.

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Edgar Bergen: For my next experiment, I will saw the little maharaja in half.

Charlie McCarthy: I'm a victim of sawcumstances.

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Burr: Hey, Whipsnade! Hey, are you Whipsnade?

Whipsnade: Winestoop?

Burr: No, no, no, Whipsnade. Whipsnade.

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Whipsnade: What were you doing talking to the unholy two over there?

Victoria Whipsnade: Oh, I just stopped to catch their act. They're marvelous, Dad, really! Oh, you were fortunate in acquiring their services.

Whipsnade: They'll be fortunate if we don't attend their services.

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Charlie McCarthy: Why, you double-crosser, you! You, you, you cad! You, you, you Whipsnade!

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Oliver: Mr. Whipsnade, why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

Whipsnade: I don't know, Oliver. Why is a cat's tail like a long journey?

Oliver: Because it's fur to the end.

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Charlie McCarthy: You know what I think? I smell a rodent and I do mean Whipsnade.

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Whipsnade: Victoria, dear, some weasel took the cork out of my lunch. And a wombat and spills it all over the place. I was fit to be tied!

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Edgar Bergen: Do you want to look at yourself?

Charlie McCarthy: I don't care how I look.

Edgar Bergen: You look very cute.

Charlie McCarthy: [Looking in a mirror at himself in blackface] I don't, I don't care how I, how I, doggone - is that me? Well, I will shut my mouth. Say, you know I do look kinda cute.

Edgar Bergen: Yes, you do.

Charlie McCarthy: Say, you little rascal, you. Sha-sha-sha-sha-sha-sha-sha-sha-shaaaa...

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Charlie McCarthy: Say, uh-oh, here comes old rubber-nose. Hide your gold teeth.

[Whipsnade enters]

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Roger Bel-Goodie: Robinson, I'm gonna be married!

Robinson - Bel-Goodie's Butler: Very good, sir. Your tea.

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Whipsnade: What a pity your dear mother isn't here to share this joy with us, dear. She's the first woman to ever wear jodhpurs with an evening basks. She carried a riding crop at the same time. She hit me over the head with it once - thought I was flirting with one of the girls in the showers. Nothing to it, though.

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Edgar Bergen: And you will be sweet to Whipsnade?

Charlie McCarthy: I'll be more than sweet. I'll be sickening.

Edgar Bergen: I see.

Charlie McCarthy: I'll even go so far as - uh oh - speak of the polecat and there he is.

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Whipsnade: Good afternoon, Charles, my night blooming jasmine. my nostrils quiver at your pointed aroma.

Charlie McCarthy: Oh, thank you. That's quite a compliment - considering the size of his nose.

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Phineas Whipsnade: Now, look, you know these people are society people.

Whipsnade: I know, the creme de la creme. Yeah, they have what they call noblesse oblige. We have acrobats with our circus too.

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Whipsnade: [Repeated line] Yes, that was Lake Titicaca, I had a wonderful experience with a rattlesnake...

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Whipsnade: Gangway, gangway, gangway. Let me handle this situation. I'm sorry I distressed you, honey...

Mrs. Bel-Goodie: Honey?

Whipsnade: - with that little story. Why, some of my best friends are snakes.

Mrs. Bel-Goodie: Awwwwww!

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Mrs. Bel-Goodie: You're speaking to a Bel-Goodie!

Victoria Whipsnade: And you're speaking to a Whipsnade! Why don't you get off the trapeze and come down to the sawdust where you belong!

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