- Otis B. Driftwood: It's all right, that's in every contract. That's what they call a sanity clause.
- [Fiorello laughs loudly]
- Fiorello: You can't fool me! There ain't no Sanity Claus!
- Otis B. Driftwood: Listen, Gottlieb, nix on the love making. Because, I saw Mrs. Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first; but, there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this.
- Henderson: You live here all alone?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Yes. Just me and my memories. I'm practically a hermit.
- Henderson: Oh. A hermit. I notice the table's set for four.
- Otis B. Driftwood: That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight. That doesn't prove a thing.
- [Driftwood opens a drawer in his trunk to find Tomasso sleeping]
- Otis B. Driftwood: That can't be my shirt, my shirt doesn't snore.
- Fiorello: Shh! Don't wake him up. He's got insomnia, he's trying to sleep it off.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Do they allow tipping on the boat?
- Steward: Yes, sir.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Have you got two fives?
- Steward: Yes, sir!
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give you.
- Otis B. Driftwood: That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? Because she reminded me of you.
- Mrs. Claypool: Really?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Of course, that's why I'm sitting here with you. Because you remind me of you. Your eyes, your throat, your lips! Everything about you reminds me of you. Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one out, she's good.
- [Fiorello and Driftwood go over the first clause of their contract]
- Otis B. Driftwood: Now pay particular attention to this first clause because it's most important. It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part." How do you like that? That's pretty neat, eh?
- Fiorello: No, that's no good.
- Otis B. Driftwood: What's the matter with it?
- Fiorello: I dunno. Let's hear it again.
- Otis B. Driftwood: It says the, uh..."The party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the party of the first part."
- Fiorello: That sounds a little better this time.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, it grows on you. Would you like to hear it once more?
- Fiorello: Er... just the first part.
- Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean? The... the party of the first part?
- Fiorello: No, the first part of the party of the first part.
- Otis B. Driftwood: All right. It says the, uh, "The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract..." look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?
- Otis B. Driftwood: You didn't happen to see my suit in there, did you?
- Fiorello: Yeah, it was taking up too much room, so we sold it.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Did you get anything for it?
- Fiorello: Uh... dollar forty.
- Otis B. Driftwood: That's my suit all right.
- Otis B. Driftwood: You see that spaghetti? Now, behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb, director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me?
- Mrs. Claypool: Yes.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well stop following me or I'll have you arrested!
- [Driftwood agrees to read the contract to Fiorello]
- Otis B. Driftwood: All right, I'll read it to you. Can you hear?
- Fiorello: I haven't heard anything yet. Did you say anything?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing.
- Fiorello: Well, that's-a why I didn't hear anything.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, that's why I didn't say anything.
- Fiorello: [Disguised as one of the world's greatest aviators] So now I tell you how we fly to America. The first time we started we got-a half way there when we run out a gasoline, and we gotta go back. Then I take-a twice as much gasoline. This time we're just about to land, maybe three feet, when what do you think: we run out of gasoline again. And-a back-a we go again to get-a more gas. This time I take-a plenty gas. Well, we get-a half way over, when what do you think happens: we forgot-a the airplane. So, we gotta sit down and we talk it over. Then I get-a the great idea. We no take-a gasoline, we no take-a the airplane. We take steamship, and that, friends, is how we fly across the ocean.
- Otis B. Driftwood: And now, on with the opera. Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Have you got any milk-fed chickens?
- Waiter: Yes, sir.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass.
- Mrs. Claypool: I've been sitting right here since seven o'clock.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay.
- Otis B. Driftwood: You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.
- Mrs. Claypool: Get off that bed. What would people say?
- Otis B. Driftwood: They'd probably say you're a very lucky woman.
- [the ship is sailing away from the dock]
- Otis B. Driftwood: Hey, have I got time to go back and pay my hotel bill?
- Ship Captain: Sorry, too late.
- Otis B. Driftwood: That suits me fine.
- [Fiorello and Driftwood go over the second clause of their contract]
- Otis B. Driftwood: Now, it says, uh, "The party of the second part shall be known in this contract as the party of the second part."
- Fiorello: Well, I don't know about that...
- Otis B. Driftwood: Now what's the matter?
- Fiorello: I no like-a the second party, either.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you should have come to the first party. We didn't get home 'til around four in the morning. I was blind for three days!
- Otis B. Driftwood: [to carriage driver] Hey you. I told you to slow that nag down. On account of you I almost heard the opera.
- Lassparri: Never in my life have I received such treatment. They threw an apple at me.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, watermelons are out of season.
- Fiorello: What'll I say?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Tell them you're not here.
- Fiorello: Suppose they don't believe me?
- Otis B. Driftwood: They'll believe you when you start talking.
- [in reference to Tomasso]
- Otis B. Driftwood: Wouldn't it be simpler if you just had him stuffed?
- Fiorello: He's no olive.
- Otis B. Driftwood: [to Tomasso, who's knocked out Lassparri] Nice work, I think you got him. Ah, smelling salts? That will bring him to. You're sorry for what you did eh? That shows a nice spirit. Now he's coming along. He'll be fine.
- Engineer's Assistant: I'm the engineer's assistant.
- Otis B. Driftwood: You know I had a premonition you were going to show up. The engineer's right there in the corner. You can chop your way right through.
- Otis B. Driftwood: And eight pieces of French pasty.
- Fiorello: With two hard-boiled eggs.
- Otis B. Driftwood: And two hard-boiled eggs.
- [Tomasso honks his horn]
- Otis B. Driftwood: Make that three hard-boiled eggs.
- [first lines]
- Waiter: The gentleman has not arrived yet?
- Mrs. Claypool: No, he has not.
- Waiter: I'm afraid the dinner will be spoiled.
- Otis B. Driftwood: What difference does it make? It's too late to dine now.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Oh, boy?
- Bellboy: Yes, ma'am?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Will you page Mr. Otis B. Driftwood, please? Mister Otis B. Driftwood.
- Bellboy: Paging Mr. Driftwood! Mr. Driftwood!
- Bellboy: [Driftwood's dinner companion giggles out loud] Mr. Driftwood! Mr. Driftwood!
- Otis B. Driftwood: Boy, would you do me a favor and stop yelling my name all over this restaurant? Do I go around yelling your name?
- Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood!
- Otis B. Driftwood: [Driftwood gets up and looks about the dining room] Say, is your voice changing, or is somebody else paging me around here?
- Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood!
- Otis B. Driftwood: Why, Mrs. Claypool, hello!
- Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood, you invited me to dine with you at 7:00; it is now 8:00 and no dinner.
- Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean, no dinner? I just had one of the biggest meals I ever had in my life,and no thanks to you, either.
- Mrs. Claypool: I've been sitting right here since 7:00.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.
- Otis B. Driftwood: I have arranged for you to invest $200,000 in the New York Opera Company.
- Mrs. Claypool: I don't understand?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Don't you see? You'll be a patron of the opera! You'll get into society. Then you can marry me and they'll kick you out of society and all you've lost is $200,000.
- Herbert Gottlieb: [to Mrs. Claypool] All of New York will be under your feet!
- Otis B. Driftwood: [lifting the tablecloth] Well, there's plenty of room.
- Henderson: Say! Now, how did those two beds get together?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you know how those things are, they breed like rabbits.
- Mrs. Claypool: If you had any real feeling for me you'd stop associating with the kind of riffraff I've seen you going around with.
- Otis B. Driftwood: You mean Gottlieb?
- Mrs. Claypool: I mean those two uncouth men I saw you around the opera house with. I'm very grateful they're not on board the boat.
- Otis B. Driftwood: [gets up from his chair, concerned] Why, have they slipped off?
- Mrs. Claypool: [pulls him back into his chair] Sit down!
- Henderson: What's a hermit doing with four beds?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, you see those first three beds?
- Henderson: Yes.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Last night, I counted five thousand sheep in those three beds, so I had to have another bed to sleep in. You wouldn't want me to sleep with the sheep, would you?
- Otis B. Driftwood: [attempting to sell insurance to a ship porter] I have here an accident policy that will absolutely protect you no matter what happens. If you lose a leg, we'll help you look for it.
- Fiorello: How do you do?
- Otis B. Driftwood: [resting his foot on Lassparri, who's been knocked out] Hello.
- Fiorello: What's the matter, mister?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Oh, we had an argument and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him.
- Fiorello: [raises a foot] Do you mind if I...?
- Otis B. Driftwood: No no, go right ahead. Plenty of room.
- Otis B. Driftwood: [talking about "the greatest tenor in the world"] Do you know America is waiting to hear him sing?
- Fiorello: Well, he can sing loud, but he can't sing that loud.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I think I can get America to meet him halfway.
- [the waiter brings the bill]
- Otis B. Driftwood: Let me see that... 9 dollars and 40 cents? This is an outrage.
- [to his dinner companion]
- Otis B. Driftwood: If I were you I wouldn't pay it.
- Otis B. Driftwood: That's the fire escape. And, uh... that's a table, and this is a room, and there's the door leading out, and I wish you'd use it, I... I vant to be alone!
- Henderson: You'll be alone when I throw you in jail!
- Otis B. Driftwood: Isn't there a song like that, Henderson?
- Otis B. Driftwood: This is the opening of a new opera season. A season made possible by the generous checks of Mrs. Claypool.
- [Opera audience claps]
- Otis B. Driftwood: I am sure the familiar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight, and Mrs. Claypool's checks will probably come back in the morning.
- Henderson: The last time I was in this room there were four beds here.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Please! I'm not interested in your private life, Henderson.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Could he sail tomorrow?
- Fiorello: You pay him enough money, he could sail yesterday.
- Ship Captain: I cannot let the evening pass without paying a little tribute to our distinguished guests of honor - the three greatest aviators in the world.
- Otis B. Driftwood: Three greatest aviators, but you notice they're traveling by boat.
- Henderson: Am I crazy or are there only two beds in here?
- Otis B. Driftwood: Now which question do you want me to answer first, Henderson?
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