Monkey Business (1931)
Groucho: Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.
Captain Corcoran: Why? What's the matter?
Groucho: Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o'clock this morning?
Captain Corcoran: Who did that?
Groucho: Nobody, and that's my complaint.
Groucho: Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Groucho: [emerging from a haystack] Where's all those farmer's daughters I've been hearing about for years?
Cab Driver at Barn: That'll be $1.10.
Groucho: Here's a dollar, keep the change.
Cab Driver at Barn: But I said a dollar "ten"!
Groucho: All right, give "me" the dollar, *I'll* keep the change.
Groucho: Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? *Afraid*? You bet I'm afraid!
Groucho: Mrs. Briggs, I've known and respected your husband Alky for many years. And what's good enough for him is good enough for me.
[He suddenly grabs her and pulls her down onto a couch]
Madame Swempski: I don't like this innuendo.
Groucho: That's what I always say: love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Captain Corcoran: [describing the stowaways] One of them goes around with a black moustache.
Groucho: So do I; if I had my choice, I'd go around with a little blonde.
Captain Corcoran: I said, one goes around with a black moustache.
Groucho: Well, you couldn't expect a moustache to go around by itself. Don't you think a moustache ever gets lonely, Captain?
Chico: Hey, sure it gets-a lonely. Hey, when my grandfather's beard gets here, I'd like it to meet your moustache.
Groucho: Well, I'll think it over; I'll talk it over with my moustache. Tell me, has your grandfather's beard got any money?
Chico: Money? Why, he fell hair to a fortune.
Captain Corcoran: Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.
Groucho: Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.
Groucho: And you can say it was a real love match. We married for money.
Madame Swempski: Oh, you impudent cad!
Groucho: Eh, my shrinking violet? Say, it wouldn't hurt you to shrink thirty or forty pounds.
Madame Swempski: I'll report you to your paper.
Groucho: I'll thank you to let me do the reporting. Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?
Gibson, First Mate: Sir, I have to report there are four stowaways in the forward hatch.
Captain Corcoran: Stowaways? How do you know there are four of them?
Gibson, First Mate: Why, they were singing "Sweet Adeline".
Groucho: Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You've been reading too many dime novels.
Groucho: With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.
Groucho: You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.
Manicurist: Do you want your nails trimmed long?
Chico: Oh, about an hour and a half. I got nothin' to do.
Chico: What's the matter with me? I'm hungry. I didn't eat in three days.
Groucho: Three days? We've only been on the boat two days.
Chico: I didn't eat yesterday, I didn't eat today, and I'm not gonna eat tomorrow. That makes a three days.
Groucho: ...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...
Chico: On his what?
Groucho: Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what vessel is?
Chico: Sure, I can vessel...
Groucho: How about you and I passing out on the veranda; or would you rather pass out here?
Woman at Party: Sir, you have the advantage of me.
Groucho: Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you outside.
Chico: My father was-a partner's with Columbus.
Groucho: Your father and Columbus were partners?
Chico: You bet.
Groucho: Columbus has been dead 400 years.
Chico: Well, they told me it was my father.
Groucho: If this is the Captain, I'm gonna have a few words with him. My hot water's been cold for three days. And I haven't got room enough in here to swing a cat. In fact, I haven't even got a cat.
Groucho: Oh, engineer? Will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking, I'm going to have lunch.
Groucho: You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.
Lucille: You can't stay in that closet.
Groucho: [emerging behind her] Oh, I can't, can I? That's what they said to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor; Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier; and Tomashevsky, mighty like a rose. Just remember, my little cabbage, that if there weren't any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks, and if there weren't any hooks, there wouldn't be any fish, and that would suit me fine.
Zeppo: Everybody seems to be having nearly as much fun as I am.
Groucho: You call this a barn? This looks like a stable.
Chico: Well, if you look at it, it's a barn. If you smell it, it's a stable.
Groucho: Well, let's just look at it.
Lucille: But from the time he got the marriage license, I've led a dog's life.
Groucho: Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?
Gibson, First Mate: Who are you?
Groucho: I'm the tailor.
Gibson, First Mate: Oh, that reminds me, where are my pants?
Groucho: You've got 'em on.
Alky Briggs: Okay, he's in there. When he comes out, plug him.
Zeppo: What do we plug him with?
Alky Briggs: [referring to guns] Didn't I give you two "gats"?
Groucho: We had to drown the "gats", but we saved you a little black "gitten".
Groucho: Oh no, you're not gonna get me off this bed.
Lucille: I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer.
Groucho: You bet I'm shy. I'm a shyster lawyer.
Lucille: [talking to Groucho in the closet] What are you doing in there?
Groucho: Nothing. Come on in.
[Groucho does his famous eyebrow wiggle]
Captain Corcoran: Gibson, have you been drinking again?
Groucho: Sorry, I can't stay. The captain's waiting to chase me.
Chico: We're great, huh?
Joe Helton: You're great.
Chico: My partner?
Joe Helton: He's great.
Chico: My grandfather's great. He's a great-grandfather.
Woman Passenger: Where's the Doctor? A doctor! I want a doctor!
Chico: Sit. Stay calm. We take care of you. Oh, she's got a chill. Cover her up.
[Harpo sits on her]
Chico: No, no, no, no. Get up. Get up. Take her pulse. Take her pulse.
[Harpo takes her purse]
Chico: No purse! Put it back. Pulse. I think you best take a temperature. That's good. Alright, we take care of you, lady. Alright. Alright. Alright.
Woman Passenger: Oh, you fools! I'm not the patient!
Chico: Well, we're not the doctor.
Groucho: I'm just trying to sneak off the boat, that's all.
Groucho: [Ship stowaways in barrels] Ah, this is the only way to travel boys, the only way. I was going to bring a long the wife and kiddies, but the grocer couldn't spare another barrel.
Chico: I was going to bring my grandfather, but there's no room for his beard.
Groucho: Why don't you send for the old swine and let his beard come later.
Chico: I sent for his beard.
Groucho: You did?
Chico: Yes, it's comin' by hair mail.
Groucho: Fancy meeting you here after all these drinks.
Groucho: No, you're wrong, girls. You're wrong. In the first place, Gary Cooper is much taller than I am.
Groucho: This program is coming to you through the courtesy of the Golden Goose Furniture Company with three stores, 125th street, 125th street and 125th street. You furnish the girl, we tar and feather your nest.
Groucho: Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean... flee to my lodge in the hills.
Lucille: Oh, no. I couldn't think of it.
Groucho: Don't be afraid. You can join this lodge for a few pennies and you won't even have to take a physical examination, unless you insist on one.
Captain Corcoran: Hey, you!
Groucho: Are these your gloves? I found them in your trunk. You girls can go to your rooms. I'll be down shortly.
Groucho: I'm young. I want gaiety, laughter, ha-cha-cha. I want to dance. I want to dance till the cows come home.
Groucho: I don't care for the way you're running this boat. Why don't you get in the back seat for awhile and let your wife drive?
Captain Corcoran: I want you to know I've been captain of this ship for twenty-two years.
Groucho: Twenty-two years, eh? If you were a man you'd go in business for yourself. I know a fella started only last year with just a canoe. Now he's got more women than you could shake a stick at, if that's your idea of a good time.
Groucho: Would you mind getting up off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?
Chico: Oh, you're crazy. Flies can't read papers.
Groucho: Now, Columbus sailed from Spain to India, looking for a shortcut.
Chico: Oh, you mean strawberry shortcut.
Groucho: I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me.
Chico: What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?
Groucho: You bet she could, but I found her out, too late. Well, enough of this. Let's get back to Columbus.
Chico: I'd rather get back to the nurse.
Groucho: So would I.
Groucho: Now one night, Columbus' sailors started a mutiny.
Chico: Nah, no mutiny's at night. They're in the afternoon. You know, Mutinies, Wednesdays and Saturdays.
Groucho: There's my argument: Restrict Immigration!
Lucille: Well, then, what do you think of an egg that would give me...
Groucho: I know - I know. You're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.
Lucille: Oh, Alky can't make a fool of me. I want to go places. I want to do things. I want freedom, I want liberty, I want justice...
Groucho: Ta-ra-ta-da-da-... Madam, you're making history. In fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
Lucille: Oh, you know what I want. I want life. I want laughter. I want gaiety. I want to ha-cha-cha-cha!
Groucho: Madam, before I get through with you, you will have a clear case for divorce, and so will my wife. Now, the first thing to do is to arrange for a settlement. You take the children, your husband takes the house, Junior burns down the house, you take the insurance, and I take you.
Lucille: But I haven't any children.
Groucho: That's just the trouble with this country. You haven't any children, and as for me, I'm going back in the closet where men are empty overcoats.
Lucille: Oh, brown eyes...
Boat Passenger: Why, a man fainted over here.
Groucho: Man fainted. I'll soon fix him. Just my hard luck it couldn't be a woman!
Alky Briggs: Come out of there. I want to talk to you.
Groucho: I'm sorry, but we're using the old-fashioned Ice Man and we find him very satisfactory for keeping the house warm.
Groucho: I'd like to ask you one question.
Alky Briggs: Go ahead.
Groucho: Do you think that girls think less of a boy if he lets himself be kissed? I mean, eh, don't you think that although girls go out with boys like me they - they always marry the other kind?
[Smiles, raises eyebrows three times]
Alky Briggs: Oh, I see, the stowaways. Say, I can help you bozos.
Groucho: Mr. Bozo, to you.
Alky Briggs: Alright, Mr. Bozo.
Alky Briggs: I'm stepping into your shoes - as boss.
Joe Helton: I'm not backin' up any small time chiseler.
Alky Briggs: Ah, don't put on the ritz with me.
Joe Helton: Say, don't get cocky with me, Briggs!
Alky Briggs: I'm talkin' turkey. You can't make all the dough and then run out on your pals.
Joe Helton: I'm not takin' orders from a mug like you! Scram!
Chico: Alright, alright. How much you pay?
Joe Helton: Well, just how tough are you?
Chico: Well, you pay a little bit, we're a little bit tough. You pay very much, very much tough. You pay a too much, we're too much a tough. How much you pay?
Joe Helton: I pay plenty.
Chico: Well, then we're plenty tough.
Lucille: So, here you are! Loafing around with these tramps!
Alky Briggs: I tell ya, I come down to see Joe Helton.
Zeppo: Don't you think we better go?
Groucho: What? And leave this woman here alone with her husband? Suppose her sweetheart came in?
Lucille: [Sarcastically] Oh, you were going to show me a good time. A good time! Well, I might as well had stayed home and played solitaire!
Lucille: Now, listen to me, Mr. Alky Briggs. You can't keep me cooped up like this. I've played second fiddle on this ship long enough!
Alky Briggs: Now, you listen. I'm not after any dames. I'm after Joe Helton, I tell ya. And he can't get away from me on this boat.
Boat Passenger: What's the idea of putting your hands in my pocket!
Chico: Just a little mistake. I had a suit once. Looked just like that and for a minute I thought those were my pants.
Boat Passenger: How could they be your pants when I I've got them on!
Chico: Well, this suit had two pair of pants.
Zeppo: Hey, do you know who's on this boat? Maurice Chevalier the movie actor. I just ran into him.
Groucho: Did you hurt him?
Chico: How do you know it was Chevalier?
Zeppo: I got his passport. Right there.
Groucho: Now, he can't get off the boat.
Chico: [Pointing to Harpo] Hey, he looks like Chevalier. I can look like Chevalier.
Groucho: I certainly look like Chevalier.
Zeppo: But, that's not enough. You gotta sing one of Chevalier's songs to get off this boat.
Zeppo: "If a nightingale, could sing like you, they'd sing much better than you do..."
Groucho: Outstanding. You sing like that and they'll throw us all off the boat.
Gangster: Say, have you guys got an invitation?
Chico: We give the invitation of Chevalier: "When the nightingale, sing like you..."
Woman at Party: You're pretty fresh, aren't you.
Indian at Party: That's my wife and I don't like the way you're acting around here.
Groucho: Well, if you don't like our country, why don't you go back where you came from.
Indian at Party: [Raises his tomahawk] Say, I oughta take that right in your scalp!
Groucho: Run for your life! The indians are coming! Put your scalp in your pocket.
[Grabs another male guest's toupee]
Groucho: Here! The Indians! Wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo-wo...
Lucille: What brought you here?
Groucho: Ah, 'tis midsummer madness, the music is in my temples, the hot blood of youth! Come, Kapellmeister, let the violas throb. My regiment leaves at dawn!
Lucille: [Groucho makes a pass] Oh, no, no, no, don't. My husband might be inside and if he finds me here he'll wallop me.
Groucho: Always thinking of the husband. Couldn't I wallop you just as well?
Emily's Lover: Oh, Emily!
Emily: Oh, Henry, be careful. Somebody may see us.
Emily's Lover: Oh, I've been careful too long.
Groucho: Well, now that you brought that up, just how long have you been careful?
Emily: Oh, they saw us!
Emily's Lover: Now be calm, Emily. I'll talk to them.
Emily's Lover: You won't say anything about this, will you?
Groucho: Sir, are trying to offer me a bribe? How much?
Emily: Oh, but you don't understand. You see, I'm not happy with my husband. He should have married some little housewife.
Groucho: Madam, I resent that. Some of my best friends are housewives.
Groucho: Listen here. You're living in a fool's paradise. You intend to spend ten dollars to buy this woman a ring? Look at this. It's solid brass and a buck and a half takes it away. What do you say? I know it'll fit her. I got it from the nose of a savage.
Groucho: Come here, babe, I like you.
Lucille: Oh, I shouldn't. What about my husband?
Groucho: That's alright. Maybe we can get a girl for him.
Groucho: I wish to announce that a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you in that room quickly, Mrs. Schmalhausen will sing a soprano solo in this room.
Butch: Get outta here!
Groucho: Say, have you got a girl up in that hayloft?
Groucho: Then you're a bigger fool than I thought you were.
Groucho: He said beat it. Gee, I wish I'd a said that. Everybodies repeating it around the club.
Butch: Keep outta this loft!
Chico: Well, its better to have loft and lost, but never to have lofted at all.
Groucho: Nice work.
Groucho: [to a cow in a barn] You're a mother. You understand. How would you like to have somebody steal one of your hefers? I know hef a cow is better than none. But, this is no time for puns.
Groucho: [Watching a fight in a barn] Well, here we are at ringside and folks, it looks like a great battle. Now the boys are locked in the center of the ring. Oh baby, what a grudge fight. Zowie! Zowie! Zowie! That makes three zowies and a man gets a base on balls. Ending in the first inning. No runs. No errors. But, plenty of hits! Weeeeeee!
Groucho: Do you rhumba?
Lucille: Why, yes. Of course I do.
Groucho: Well, take a rhumba from one to ten!
Groucho: As for me, I'm going back in the closet, where men... are empty overcoats.