1/10
Don't Watch This!!
25 July 2006
Yep, here it is.. the worst movie I've ever reviewed on this site. I will give an opinion on Practical Magic one day, but not in the near future. Anyhoo, what is this film about? That my friend is a complete mystery, and not one I care to unravel. Looking at the front cover, it obviously fancies itself as a horror flick. Nothing could be further from the truth. Unless the prospect of 90 minutes of boring, meaningless talk fills you with dread, in which case it is absolutely terrifying.

The plot, something about a bloke with a month to live, a promising young sculptor and his virgin girlfriend he is being forced to sacrifice is utter piffle and does not make one jot of sense. At least in most bad 'scary' movies like this, there are some cheesy special effects to laugh at or extremely fake blood and guts spilt. Not a bit of that here though.. just tedious characters flitting from one droning conversation to another, with no break for scares, killings or anything else that even resembles fun. Wait a sec.. occasionally we do get a sight of a rather loud moggy (SPOOKY!), but his role in the final production is quite arbitrarily. In fact, he looks like he has been edited in from another film.

What is the director's game here? Did he start out with a ton of gory scenes, but then cut them out because he was aiming for a PG? Could the inexplicable 18 rating this has in the UK be for that never-been-seen-before version? Who cares, the missing footage isn't really going to go down with the ones from 'The Magnificent Ambersons' in national importance. Either way, the fact remains that someone actually financed this tripe after reading the script, actors thought it was worth reciting this awful dialogue and somebody had the brains to release it on video when the negative should have been quietly thrown in a nearby dumpster. The mind boggles.

Anyway, I repeat: this is by some distance the most snoozeworthy, waste of space of a film I have seen in many a moon.. so take advantage of it's rarity by steering clear of it like a landmine on the motorway. Thank you, and good night.. 0/10 (DUH)
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