Should have stayed away from those...

by dschlatter | created - 11 Oct 2012 | updated - 14 Jan 2013 | Public
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1. Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation (2004 Video)

R | 88 min | Action, Adventure, Horror

In the sequel to Paul Verhoeven's loved/reviled sci-fi film, a group of troopers taking refuge in an abandoned outpost after fighting alien bugs, failing to realize that more danger lays in wait.

Director: Phil Tippett | Stars: Billy Brown, Richard Burgi, Kelly Carlson, Cy Carter

Votes: 20,052

Number 1 was cool. Supercool. Then out came this under-budgeted, uncool, un-everything piece of gosa (firefly, anyone?). They even made a part 3. Never had the courage to watch this one...

2. Van Helsing (2004)

PG-13 | 131 min | Action, Adventure, Fantasy

35 Metascore

The notorious monster hunter is sent to Transylvania to stop Count Dracula who is using Dr. Frankenstein's research and a werewolf for some sinister purpose.

Director: Stephen Sommers | Stars: Hugh Jackman, Kate Beckinsale, Richard Roxburgh, Shuler Hensley

Votes: 218,324 | Gross: $120.18M

Was it Mr. Hyde, Frankenstein or the monkey-werewolves? Or the fact that they made K-Becks look like a hooker? I don't remember what all went wrong, but it did. Hugh Jackman WAS the perfect Van Helsing guy. That's all I can say to defend that movie.

3. The Whole Ten Yards (2004)

PG-13 | 98 min | Comedy, Crime, Thriller

24 Metascore

Jimmy the Tulip's (Willis) quiet new life is shaken up by his old pal Oz (Perry), whose wife (Henstridge) has been kidnapped by a Hungarian mob. The Tulip and his wife Jill (Peet) spring into action.

Director: Howard Deutch | Stars: Bruce Willis, Matthew Perry, Natasha Henstridge, Amanda Peet

Votes: 49,452 | Gross: $16.32M

I'm sure Bruce Willis is still having dreams about this one. The man hast (apart from this one and very few others) a pretty good track record.

4. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous (2005)

PG-13 | 115 min | Action, Comedy, Crime

34 Metascore

After Cheryl Frasier and Stan Fields are kidnapped, Gracie goes undercover in Las Vegas to find them.

Director: John Pasquin | Stars: Sandra Bullock, Regina King, William Shatner, Enrique Murciano

Votes: 58,863 | Gross: $48.48M

The same goes for Sandra Bullock. She does quality work. Most of the time.

5. Piranha 3DD (2012)

R | 83 min | Comedy, Horror

24 Metascore

After the events at Lake Victoria, the pre-historic school of blood-thirsty piranhas make their way into a newly opened waterpark.

Director: John Gulager | Stars: Danielle Panabaker, Ving Rhames, David Hasselhoff, Matt Bush

Votes: 34,999 | Gross: $0.38M

I hated to admit the first one's qualities as both a horror movie and as a fun movie. It somehow worked! Part 2? A total disaster in every way possible!

6. Universal Soldier: The Return (1999)

R | 83 min | Action, Sci-Fi

24 Metascore

The "universal soldiers" must fight the whole army. When the military's supercomputer S.E.T.H gets out of control

Director: Mic Rodgers | Stars: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Bill Goldberg, Heidi Schanz, Michael Jai White

Votes: 25,780 | Gross: $10.43M

As a b-movie it was pretty good. But Unisol 1 was not a b-movie, but a very entertaining (no-brain-needed) action movie. It's just the direct comparison what makes Unisol 2 bad.

7. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (2008)

PG-13 | 112 min | Action, Adventure, Fantasy

31 Metascore

In the Far East, Alex O'Connell, the son of famed mummy fighters Rick and Evy O'Connell, unearths the mummy of the first Emperor of Qin -- a shape-shifting entity cursed by a witch centuries ago.

Director: Rob Cohen | Stars: Brendan Fraser, Jet Li, Maria Bello, Michelle Yeoh

Votes: 132,718 | Gross: $102.49M

Most of the movies on this list suffer the unfortunate fate of being the sequel to a better previous movie (The Mummy was good!). This movie has some other problems: 1. You can't just replace actors. Not even with someone as good-looking as Maria Bello. 2. Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li are special effects on their own! So why drowning the movie in stupid looking CGI?? 3. Number two counts double, actually!!

8. Drive (I) (2011)

R | 100 min | Crime, Drama

78 Metascore

A mysterious Hollywood stuntman and mechanic moonlights as a getaway driver and finds himself in trouble when he helps out his neighbor.

Director: Nicolas Winding Refn | Stars: Ryan Gosling, Carey Mulligan, Bryan Cranston, Albert Brooks

Votes: 493,265 | Gross: $35.06M

Didn't like the protagonist. (How could anyone? And it's got nothing to do with Gosling.) What I do like is action and/or suspense... so where was it? It just felt so empty and... unlikely.

9. Revolver (2005)

R | 111 min | Action, Crime, Drama

25 Metascore

Gambler Jake Green enters into a game with potentially deadly consequences.

Director: Guy Ritchie | Stars: Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, André Benjamin, Vincent Pastore

Votes: 81,140 | Gross: $0.08M

I can't actually describe that one... so many things are wrong with it. I wouldn't know where to begin.

10. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003)

R | 109 min | Action, Sci-Fi

66 Metascore

A cybernetic warrior from a post-apocalyptic future travels back in time to protect a 25-year old drifter and his future wife from a most advanced robotic assassin and to ensure they both survive a nuclear attack.

Director: Jonathan Mostow | Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Nick Stahl, Kristanna Loken, Claire Danes

Votes: 334,844 | Gross: $150.37M

Again, I hate it, when they just replace actors. Nick Stahl can never be John Connor. It's a no-go. Apart from that? It's a good movie. It just doesn't compare to part 1 or 2. The same goes for part four by the way...

11. Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)

R | 96 min | Action, Adventure, Horror

37 Metascore

While still out to destroy the evil Umbrella Corporation, Alice joins a group of survivors living in a prison surrounded by the infected who also want to relocate to the mysterious but supposedly unharmed safe haven known only as Arcadia.

Director: Paul W.S. Anderson | Stars: Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Wentworth Miller, Kim Coates

Votes: 147,380 | Gross: $60.13M

'Afterlife' was the last good one of the franchise. Now it's ruined.

Now it's just about cool shots of Milla running, shooting and moving in slow motion, playing queen-of-all-badasses. Apparently, making a suspenseful action movie didn't matter anymore. Thank you very much!!

12. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008)

PG-13 | 122 min | Action, Adventure, Fantasy

65 Metascore

Famed archaeologist and adventurer Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr. is called back into action, when he becomes entangled in a Soviet plot to uncover the secret behind mysterious artifacts known as the Crystal Skulls.

Director: Steven Spielberg | Stars: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, Shia LaBeouf, Karen Allen

Votes: 370,943 | Gross: $317.10M

Liked the first, liked the second at least as much and loved the third!!

4? There were some good elements, yes, but after the first half the movie turns into magic wonderland, starring Tarzan and ET's cousins!

And GCI ants! Lots of them. What, you thought the'd look real??

13. Saw III (2006)

R | 108 min | Horror, Mystery, Thriller

48 Metascore

Jigsaw abducts a doctor in order to keep himself alive while he watches his new apprentice put an unlucky citizen named Jeff through a brutal test.

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman | Stars: Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Angus Macfadyen, Bahar Soomekh

Votes: 159,030 | Gross: $80.24M

Saw one was intense! Two was a good sequel. From there on it's just about trying to find the audience's threshhold. Well guess what? Even the most gruesome means of torture can be, in a way, boring as all hell.

That actually worries me a little bit...

14. Twilight (I) (2008)

PG-13 | 122 min | Drama, Fantasy, Romance

56 Metascore

A teenage girl risks everything when she falls in love with a vampire.

Director: Catherine Hardwicke | Stars: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke, Sarah Clarke

Votes: 375,256 | Gross: $191.47M

It's my own fault. I knew exactly what I was doing. I should thought one of this series should be mentioned here.

15. Scary Movie 2 (2001)

R | 83 min | Comedy

29 Metascore

Four teens are tricked by their professor into visiting a haunted house for a school project.

Director: Keenen Ivory Wayans | Stars: Anna Faris, Marlon Wayans, Antony Acker, Mark Barrett

Votes: 132,037 | Gross: $71.31M

Scary Movie 2 dwells among other poorly made movies such as The Date Movie, The Fantastic Movie, Meet the Spartans, The Superhero Movie, etc.

Farting and ejaculating is not just automatically funny. It has to be delivered with comic timing. Not just in spades.

A fart joke can be hilarious, but they rarely are.

16. The Lazarus Papers (2010)

R | 90 min | Action, Drama, Sci-Fi

THE LAZURUS PAPERS is a supernatural action film that will keep you on the edge of your seat until the climatic action filled ending. With an all-star cast that includes Bai Ling, and Tommy Tiny Lister.

Director: Jeremiah Hundley | Stars: Danny Trejo, Gary Daniels, Krystal Vee, John Edward Lee

Votes: 763

Gary Daniels is one of the actors who I'd love to see in more good roles. Unfortunately, his career choices are even worse than his acting skills. He continues to play roles in movies of shockingly poor quality. Like this one. Has anyone who agreed to be a part of this actually read the script?

17. Postal (2007)

R | 100 min | Action, Comedy, Thriller

22 Metascore

In the ironically named city of Paradise, a recently laid-off loser teams up with his cult-leading uncle to steal a peculiar bounty of riches from their local amusement park; somehow, the recently arrived Taliban have a similar focus, but a far more sinister intent.

Director: Uwe Boll | Stars: Zack Ward, Dave Foley, Verne Troyer, Chris Coppola

Votes: 21,057 | Gross: $18.01M

It's one of earth's great mysteries how Uwe Boll gets his movies financed. Because they're always not quite bad enough to make you turn off the TV, but still pretty bad, so at the end they leave you disappointed and two hours older. Somehow, you gotta admire this man's doggedness. Any other guy whose work keeps getting bashed by the critics would resign and find another career, but nooo, not him. He keeps making sequels of movies that nobody had been waiting for.

Wow! Dungeon Siege 3? Seriously?

18. Smokin' Aces 2: Assassins' Ball (2010 Video)

R | 86 min | Action, Comedy, Crime

Walter Weed is an unassuming desk jockey at the FBI when the Bureau uncovers a plot to assassinate him. A team of degenerate, psychotic assassins dispatched by mystery man Hal Leuco to win ... See full summary »

Director: P.J. Pesce | Stars: Tom Berenger, Clayne Crawford, Tommy Flanagan, Maury Sterling

Votes: 11,787

This one is very watchable. It's brainless fun. But as it is often the case, part two is the trashier version of its original. It lacks that little something extra which made the original special.

Like the Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. It's just not quite as clever as the first one. But still OK. You know what I mean?

19. The Box (I) (2009)

PG-13 | 115 min | Drama, Fantasy, Mystery

47 Metascore

A small wooden box arrives on the doorstep of a married couple, who know that opening it will grant them a million dollars and kill someone they don't know.

Director: Richard Kelly | Stars: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella, James Rebhorn

Votes: 82,368 | Gross: $15.05M

A whole lot of nothing with James Marsden and Cameron Diaz in the middle of it all. Watch it. You'll be disappointed. I promise!

20. The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

R | 129 min | Action, Sci-Fi

47 Metascore

The human city of Zion defends itself against the massive invasion of the machines as Neo fights to end the war at another front while also opposing the rogue Agent Smith.

Directors: Lana Wachowski, Lilly Wachowski | Stars: Keanu Reeves, Laurence Fishburne, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving

Votes: 397,457 | Gross: $139.31M

Whenever I see a shooting star I close my eyes and wish that there was only one Matrix movie and the two sequels were just from some bad dream I once had!

21. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

PG-13 | 124 min | Action, Adventure, Sci-Fi

66 Metascore

Steve Rogers, a rejected military soldier transforms into Captain America after taking a dose of a "Super-Soldier serum". But being Captain America comes at a price as he attempts to take down a war monger and a terrorist organization.

Director: Joe Johnston | Stars: Chris Evans, Hugo Weaving, Samuel L. Jackson, Hayley Atwell

Votes: 600,373 | Gross: $176.65M

They even misspelled the title... should it not be The Worst Avenger? Rarely have I seen a villain that is so unthreatening as Red Skull.