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House of Bad (2013)
A horrible, poorly-done, incredibly stupid movie. To go into everything wrong with this film would take more space than I have here. Don't waste your time.
Oh, and as for all those reviews that gush about this movie, they're pretty blatant. One of the reviewers has only reviewed two movies in 11 years. They're both movies directed by Jim Towns. Another one has only reviewed two movies as well. They're both movies starring Sadie Katz. If you guys want to review your own movies, at least have the guts to post your own name so we can see who you really are. Or how about you put out a film that actually deserves praise instead.
An adult's review
I grew up with a lot of great supernatural shows like Goosebumps, Eerie Indiana, Bone Chillers, Round the Twist, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, and So Weird.
Unfortunately, it seems like there aren't many good shows for kids today that deal with the supernatural. Most of them are really cheesy shows like My Babysitter's a Vampire, Wizards of Waverly, or this new Nickelodeon show Every Witch Way that are more about high school drama than scares and have really bad writing and acting. Then there were the really campy, groan-inducing shows like "The Troop" that played mostly for laughs.
So imagine my surprise when I ran across an episode of Spooksville and actually enjoyed it. The actors in this show are downright believable. They don't ham it up and overact the way all the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon stars do. The characters for the most part are normal kids dealing with supernatural forces, and they dress and look like real kids. They don't dress like rockers or pop stars. You won't see any neon skinny jeans or designer shoes on this show.
And better yet, the writing is above average. This show doesn't insult your intelligence with thin plots and cheap laughs. There is real character development, a good continuous storyline, and some solid standalone episodes.
I can only hope that we see more shows like Spooksville in the future instead of the schlock that is passing for teen entertainment on Disney and Nickelodeon these days.
A sad reflection of our society
I was at home one day and the cable was out, so I happened across this show. All I can say is that it saddens me to see how many ignorant women are buying into Bethenny Frankel's ideas of how they should live. Seriously people! THIS is the woman you want to turn to for advice? A spoiled, elitist rich housewife who's addicted to plastic surgery? No wonder our society continues to become more and more shallow and empty.
This woman is as vapid as they get. She's a failed actress. She's admitted that she has more than one eating disorder, even though she has also tried to market herself as a fitness guru and nutrition expert. She's giving out relationship advice, even though she hasn't spoken to her own mother in more than 10 years and was already estranged from her father. She markets herself as a lifestyle expert, yet she has admitted that before the Real Housewives show took off she had run herself into the ground and could barely afford to pay her rent.
Frankel once told people on the Real Housewives that they should never exploit their children by bringing them into the show. Then she left the show and got a reality show that was all about her AND HER KIDS! She criticized co-stars for their naked pictures, but then it was revealed she did a nude scene in a movie a few years earlier!
And THIS is the woman that stay-at-home moms and housewives across the country are supposed to be looking up to? I think it's bad enough how many people look to Oprah to make all their life decisions for them, but Frankel is even worse. Learn to think for yourselves, folks. You don't need some fake reality trash who could have easily become the next Paris Hilton to tell you how to live.
Acting saves otherwise weak writing
I'll be honest; if this show was on a major network like ABC on a Monday night, it would be just a little bit more fast paced but otherwise considered a typical TV drama. I think some people are pulled in and lightly brainwashed by the "independent" nature and the slow pace of this series.
The acting is certainly the highlight, but the writing is a horrible mess. Everything in this show is a massive stereotype or cliché, and it seems the writers didn't even do a cursory level of research into escorting before coming up with their scripts. In one scene, Blue texts out that her price is $900. I did my own research (don't get any crazy ideas) into escorting for a college class. An escort making $900 for an hour would have to be a famous porn star, not some part-time nobody soccer mom. In the real world, Blue would be lucky to get $400 an hour and would probably have to travel from city to city to keep the cops off her back.
Some of the scenarios just make me laugh. Blue's boss tells her she has a client in the bar downstairs that she's been seeing for 25 years. "He's a famous actor," she says, without a hint of irony. As if any famous actor would stay with the same wife, let alone a middle-aged prostitute for more than a little while (just ask Charlie Sheen).
Of course, Blue is a woman emotionally damaged by an affair with a much older man when she was a child, and one of her clients turns out to be the man's son who she has not seen in years and who just got out of prison after a five-year term. Talk about coincidences, huh? You just get out of jail and the prostitute you hire is the girl you had a huge crush on and lived next door to as a kid, who was actually boinking your father.
And then there's Blue's son, the extremely intelligent but troubled young kid with antisocial behavior issues who calls his mom by her first name. And her mother, the emotionally distant old cougar who likes to voice chat with her daughter from the bathroom of a nightclub while she's on a date with a black man about 20 years younger than her.
The dialogue is a pretentious mess of ham-fisted preachiness. One of her coworkers worries about men not being interested after she loses her body. Another says that men are parasites who suck all the energy out of women. All of the conversations are stilted and forced.
This show is essentially a daytime soap opera/prime-time network drama, but the casting and the production of it make it seem like something more. It's entertaining at least, but it's hard not to laugh at how ridiculous some of it is.
Bad Ink (2013)
...seen them all.
This is another show where a couple of guys in tank tops and fedoras run a tattoo shop. The "twist" is that these guys specialize in covering up embarrassing tattoos. They go visit potential customers or just walk around asking random people if they have tattoos, and then the people tell them their embarrassing tattoo story before going to the tattoo shop to get it covered up. Then you see the finished product and everyone is happy. The end.
The supposedly unique premise of this show really doesn't do much to separate it from the other 500 tattoo-related shows out there. You're probably better off watching Dave Navarro's show, if tattoos are really that interesting to you.
Ben and Kate (2012)
So what they did here is basically find a way to clone New Girl by replacing Zooey Deschanel with a guy. I'm tired of these shows where the characters are so odd that they become essentially unrealistic, yet somehow we're supposed to love them for their oddness.
On New Girl, Jess is written to be so socially awkward that it goes way too over the top. I mean, she started tap dancing in a 5-star restaurant because something upset her. In the real world that would get you institutionalized or medicated at the least.
Enter Ben, who is well into his 30's and likes to walk around wearing hockey and wrestling masks. When he realizes that his ex-girlfriend (who dumped him TWO YEARS AGO)is getting married, he can't stop himself from shouting even though his niece is in the car, so he just starts shouting gibberish words.
When he plans to crash the wedding, no one talks him out of it and tells him to get a life and move on already. In real life, this guy's friends would demand he get therapy. Instead, his friends band together and help him. And even then, he's so out of touch with reality that he can't even rehearse his speech without screwing it up.
I realize that TV would not be interesting if it was completely realistic all the time, but shows like New Girl and Ben and Kate go way too far in trying to make these characters into screw ups (Ben can't even back up and turn his car around for crying out loud!).
God this was stupid.
When I saw this on Chiller and read the description, I thought it would be interesting. Nope.
The show has three really annoying hosts: two Jersey Shore wannabe guys and an awkward girl. After discussing classic horror movie scenarios, they engage in tests to see if they could "survive" these scenarios.
Except that this show was horribly planned and none of the challenges have much of anything to do with surviving.
The challenge to survive a zombie invasion requires the hosts to PUSH a zombie. That's right. Push a zombie. The hosts then take turns wrestling people dressed as zombies. Their goal is to push the zombies out of the circle without getting bitten. The zombies pretty much just stand there doing nothing as the hosts struggle to push them. It was even dumber than it sounds.
Part two has the hosts discussing how to survive attacks from animals such as giant sharks. Then, the hosts face another survival challenge. This time they have to crawl on their hands and knees through a tunnel filled with mice. No, I'm serious.
Another segment deals with being buried alive. For the challenge, one host is put in a coffin and some dirt is thrown on the lid. About one shovelful, to be exact. The host then has to call a series of numbers on his cell phone until he gets the right one. You know, just like real life.
It gets dumber from there. The last challenge has the hosts sticking their heads in tanks filled with things like chopped liver and fava beans, dog food, split-pea soup, and pig's blood.
This is basically a really bad extended episode of Fear Factor, but instead of real contestants you get three paid actors. They are "competing" for the chance to appear in the sequel. Let's hope there isn't one.
Falling Skies (2011)
Bad from the start
I'll admit to being way behind on this series. I thought the previews looked good before season one aired, but I never got the chance to watch it. Now, having finally got around to watching it, I'm glad I didn't have high hopes going in.
The series begins after an alien attack has wiped out the world's militaries and sent all of humanity underground. How they did this is really hard to say, because the aliens seem pretty darn incompetent.
The freedom fighters in this series travel in a large caravan up an open street in broad daylight. The aliens don't see them, apparently. The freedom fighters set up camps in groups of hundreds in the middle of towns that have already been destroyed by the aliens. The aliens don't find them, even though their ships are constantly flying over.
At the beginning of episode two, our small group of heroes sends a dog out onto the lawn of an armory as a decoy. Immediately an alien mech comes out and targets it. The stupid humans rush in and rescue the dog. The mech somehow fails to shoot anyone. The next day the humans decide to return to the armory anyway, so of course they only send 5 or 6 people. They get inside and manage to fire guns and yell at each other, yet it now takes several minutes before the mech shows up. It still fails to kill anyone.
The aliens in this series are convenient. They show up only when they need to, and they rarely ever manage to kill or hurt anyone. Our plucky young band of heroes get themselves into mess after mess and almost always get out of them. It's kind of like Hogan's Heroes with aliens, except Falling Skies is unintentionally funny.
When you add in the fact that every episode has to meet the Spielberg- mandated heartwarming moment quota, it gets pretty old. Dad hugs son, son wishes his mom was still alive, son gets a Rip-It for his birthday and everyone gathers around and watches and smiles as he rides it. The bad acting and sappy sentimentality further damage the already shaky suspension of disbelief problems.
And yet, I'm still giving it a 4 out of 10 for at least being entertaining, in a bad B-movie sort of way.
American Horror Story (2011)
Let's be honest...
This show has few good things going for it. The cast, with the exception of McDermott, give good performances. The cinematography is excellent and there's a lot of atmosphere. And that's about it.
The mood of this show is suffocating, to put it lightly. Each episode is one weird thing after another with no rest. That leads to a lack of real suspense. The camera work is over the top, and the musical cues try way too hard.
Ultimately, though, it's the plot that fails this show. As I said before, there's an endless stream of weird things happening, which means you never get an ounce of suspense or tension. But worse than that, all the weird things that happen are typical horror movie tropes that we've seen a hundred times before in other horror projects.
The following paragraph contains details that some may consider spoilers: The story steals a lot from The Shining and quite a bit from Amityville Horror. The basic concept of a haunted house where all the previous owners were killed is about as stale as you can get. The Simpsons parodied it some ten years ago. To make it worse, they throw in every other cliché they can find. We've got creepy things in the attic and creepy things in the basement. We've got an obsessive ex-girlfriend. There's a man who's been horribly disfigured in a fire who happens to wear a black suit and drive a black sedan, which leads to an incredibly schlocky chase scene. There's a home invasion a la The Strangers or Straw Dogs or any of a million other movies. There's a conniving, evil neighbor and a mentally handicapped girl. There are college students getting stabbed to death by a serial killer and a mad scientist who likes to cut up animals and sew their parts together (not hard to imagine where that's going). About the only things missing are werewolves and vampires.
And the worst part of it all: the show is just barely entertaining. During the Halloween marathon I watched the first three episodes and was so unconcerned with what was going on that I decided to find something else to watch. There's no real mystery and very little about the characters to care about. You are basically just watching things happen to them. I'm usually the sort of person who wants to know how things will end and will watch even a mediocre show to find out. With American Horror Story I found myself not caring how it turns out at all.
Lizard Lick Towing (2011)
Mindless Reality TV Just Became Even More Mindless
The only thing I can imagine that's worse than reality TV is scripted reality TV. Lizard Lick Towing is about a real repo company, but every episode contains scripted reenactments of their exploits. The characters, despite being real people, are completely unbelievable, and most of the situations on the show are clearly over exaggerated. In one episode, the boys try to repossess a man's mustang. The guy jumps into the car, drives it off the hitch, and then drives off. Rather than trying to get away, he circles back to where he started and then drives the car into a pond. In true Ronnie Dobbs fashion, he gets out of the car, stands on top, and flips them a double bird. The boys "trick" the redneck by offering him $250 to wade out into the pond and hook up their chain so they can tow the car out. After he does this, they push him into the pond and take off running. The guy shows up with two friends outside a restaurant later as Ron and his wife are having dinner. Ron calls Bobby, and they confront the man in the parking lot. Bobby decks one of the guy's friends, and then Ron picks the man up and body slams him into the windshield of a car while Bobby takes out the other friend. The three rednecks just lay around in the background doing nothing while Ron argues with his wife and then talks to Bobby. Everything about this episode was so fake that I couldn't believe it was being presented as real. In one of the "All Worked Up" episodes, Bobby actually charges a man holding a rifle. All of the action is inter-cut with Ron saying things like, "I'm as proud of her as a little puppy that's got a new flea." This is a pathetic excuse for entertainment.