Reviews written by
Jon Death

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147 reviews in total 
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Maggie (2015/I)
29 out of 67 people found the following review useful:
Sit back with your head up your butt mike-assim, 8 May 2015
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie is bad. PERIOD. A drawn out, fluff piece about the emotions of watching your loved one slowly deform into a zombie. I have my doubts even the zombies of hipster culture who jump on the hip, popular trends and events could enjoy this.

I don't think Arnold read this script before signing contracts. Nobody with a lot of time invested into reading as well as writing would sign onto something this bad. The love of a father...for his daughter...that is slowly becoming a zombie... AND THAT IS THE MOVIE! lol

What have we devolved to when this qualifies as entertainment? When this justifies 4 million or 8 million or even $800,000 to be made? The obvious answer to all of that is, things will only get worse from here.

If a product sells, anyone interested in sheer profit margins copies it. This is the state of ALL music, ALL movies, ALL comedy, ALL video games, ALL clothing and so on. Ultimately this results in someone still driven by greed to try and clutch onto that last strand of dignity by doing it "their way". Yes well I will take a big slimy green, brown dump on the middle of the floor in church but I can do it with etiquette.

No, no you definitely can't. There's nothing admirable about doing the popular thing even if you try to create an unusual variant on it. When I read these pandering reviews of sycophants like mike-assim, and there's no shortage, I know we are doomed if we keep watching television, internet and listening to radio that promotes this worship of all things corporate.

Originality is DEAD. It's dead and painting a windmill with 40 different colors doesn't stop it from being a windmill.

I see these butt licker reviews one after another after another worshiping a piece of crap and realize this is what garbage like E.T. and TMZ have done to our people. The kids seeing this brainwashing drivel have grown up on all sorts of medications, bizarre social standards and now they're in a perpetual state monkey see monkey do. They worship anything corporate and popular.

There's nothing noble or deep or artistic about this movie and if the imagery, music and relationship dynamics convince you otherwise, you're the real life equivalent of the daughter just before she has her head shotgunned off!

Too bad this isn't a standard, 2 May 2015
8/10

What I mean is shoestring budget films like this shot in surely a week or two with mostly unskilled crew and actors but ultimately it's a decent film the held my attention decently through most of the runtime.

The acting is pretty bad to average off and on. The story is somewhat "oh not not another one of these low budget slasher movies" only to remain more an adult scoobydoo level. Finally the twists and turns bring you to the conclusion and while I think it could have been done better, they had a good overall idea and managed to do a decent job start, middle and finish.

It's too bad there isn't a small production studio putting out these simple but entertaining movies on a regular basis rather than everyone trying to start here and build their way to 40 million dollar movies in 5 or 10 years.

Filmmakers are too focused on their movies absolutely consuming viewers one after another and we've reached this despicable society where movies now dictate who everyone wants to be and then can only pretend to be. If more of what was available was just simple, low budget and with the single goal to entertain it just might do some good.

7 out of 11 people found the following review useful:
If you prefer humble entertainment, 24 April 2015
10/10

From the Bubba Ho Tep sentiments to migrating liver spots that I assume are intentional, there is based on my standards an obvious goal of producing something ENTERTAINING rather than superficial and pandering to designed mass mediocrity.

I do not participate in glorifying entertainment, LET ALONE ACTORS, as something noble and majestic. It is make believe to help pass the time, relieve stress and detach from whatever it is in the world driving us to seek detachment.

I found this movie to be creative with a strong connection to reality. It is make believe but uses anchors in reality to snare the viewer with the most obvious being old age and death. They do a good job of twisting both into something most people want to avoid all while knowing it to be impossible.

The protagonist performed his duties flawlessly as someone much younger than the character he portrays with absolute conviction and faux authenticity that could fool an RN in any nursing home on the planet.

If you're not into hipster entertainment, granted they will love this too, you will probably appreciate this movie in the same ways I do. Some of the lines you just can not fake. The writer without a doubt overheard these in real life then committing them to memory waiting for that clandestine moment to recirculate them amongst the public.

This by my individual standards qualifies as performance art rather than do what most entertainment does which is a rant for my personal page.

3 out of 10 people found the following review useful:
Are these people on drugs?, 12 April 2015
1/10

There's a trend among camcorder owners today where they think they can make a decent, low budget, indie movie with their friends. They can't. This is not film making not even close.

If the cinematography were decent or at least if they made an obvious effort and it were still awful I wouldn't be so harsh but these people simply do not know what they are doing on any level. Writing, directing, acting, camera-work, audio, editing, location selection and just on and on an on one huge failure after another. There are simple courses at community colleges for general camera techniques, instructional videos on youtube, online courses, courses for sale on DVD but these arrogant dimwits do none of that.

They think they can slop something together and because they all did their best, the low cost production won't doom them. Unfortunately these people then spend 100 grand over the next 5 years making these abysmal movies one after another thinking "well my friends liked it so I must be doing something right" when unfortunately an unbiased audience selected at random WANTS PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

Do something else with your life. Figure out a profession or trade, take the money you would waste on these movies and get an education. In fact if you refuse to give up, take some classes on cinematography and editing techniques! Just please stop making these piles of garbage with a camcorder you bought for a few hundred dollars and money pooled together from your over loving parents.

I have to assume the people behind this trend are on drugs because they clearly have heavily distorted perceptions. No self respecting adult let alone artist would produce this garbage and be able to look at oneself in the mirror afterward.

Haphead (2015)
10 out of 16 people found the following review useful:
Dreadful, 6 April 2015
1/10

Slow, unoriginal, physically impossible and all that typical nonsense that drives anyone with standards to hate a movie they just watched. I am only posting a review because it's so frequent a movie that is barely even watchable but has ample distribution gets these glowing reviews posted by scabs paid to perpetrate them on the unsuspecting consumers who then waste their money.

It's the near future where hair can block RF signals, virtual reality is wireless directly linking to the brain and for some reason film makers still try to convince you a 120 pound woman can fight a 240 pound man that is mostly muscle. It was like watching an 8 year old girl put up her fists when the poor dears are still fixated on competing with the boys for toughest in their class.

The virtual world is equally as mediocre. They could have given us a dozen cutaways into the VR world with elaborate animations, combat scenes, character interactions and even Easter egg revelations but they just didn't bother.

The story is slow, the characters are boring and this is without a doubt a low budget B-movie made with expensive cameras, filming techniques and editing methods. Outside of that it's just nothing I would expect anyone over the age of 13 to find entertaining or interesting. It's a movie for preteens that should have focused on their target audience but tried way too hard to target a teen and adult audience. If you value your time, invest it into something else.

This is another movie made to rip people off and launch the careers of actors who have already been chosen to be the new hipsters for their limited runs which tend to be about 5 years. I expect a couple of these actors to magically appear in obnoxious, modular world hipster flicks at the theaters that seem unlikely considering they first starred in this polished turd.

Cut Bank (2014)
26 out of 81 people found the following review useful:
Wet bag of crap, 7 March 2015
1/10

That the bottom falls right out of after about 25 minutes. This is a template for how not to make an indie style movie by slipping in a lot of big names, a cumbersome story and distributing it under the radar as if it's not a big studio release when it so clearly is.

The characters are terrible. The subplots are boring. The villain was written by a 14 year old. The overall story screams "a spoiled, bratty little child wrote this" because it's all so very juvenile and desperate. Desperate for attention. Desperate to look creative. Desperate to fit into the indie genre. Desperate to impact the viewers who are unfortunate enough to sit through this wet bag of crap.

These film makers are using templates for writing and directing that only work up to a very limited depth. The reason they don't work is the people writing them just don't have any talent! It's not artistic. It's not clever or masterminded. It's not fluid and then....

You see this stuffed ballot box rating of a 7 out of 10! lmfao As an artist who does a lot of writing these movies are insulting. A no talent hack sells a bag of garbage disguised as a script and the worst part is the people making tens of millions and investing tens of millions fall for it.

There's a sucker born every minute which includes the moron producers that invest into lemons like Cut Bank. They think if they have a cool crime scheme. A bizarre villain out of left field. A goofball cop(WHY IS THIS SO COMMON NOW!?) An airhead girlfriend. A big goober has been still young enough to go somewhere.

See my point yet? It's a collage of overdone, bad ideas that worked ONCE in another movie and since then, dozens of others think they can beg, borrow and steal design concepts, string them together and have an amazing film.

Sorry cast and crew but not all of us in the land of peon consumers are on prescriptions or street drugs and in fact, have much higher standards because we have a much higher skill set than you do.

This movie is AWFUL and if you have anything over an IQ of 100, you will suffer through every minute once the story's foundation is laid.

Cake (2014/II)
5 out of 11 people found the following review useful:
Boring, redundant story line, 23 January 2015
1/10

This is a you have seen one, you have seen them all movie. While it's relished as Jennifer's greatest performance, who cares when it's such a weak story trying to exploit real life situations and does such a pee pour job.(happy now Abrahamist Nazis?)

A pill addicted, disabled woman is in emotional turmoil due to a tragic past. She later connects with someone who has recently suffered a tragedy as well and blah blah blah I just personally did not find the characters believable in the least. I've been through my share of tragedies easily rivaling the scenarios in the movie and I didn't connect or relate to the characters at all. They were just so absolutely fictitious and lacked depth. It all gets thrown out in the open sort of as a matter of fact arrogance of "well I'm in pain so there" but they just don't get anywhere with the scenarios or characters. Like a dog chasing it's own tail.

THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO DEPTH TO THE PAIN AND SUFFERING. NONE! The dialog goes nowhere because in real life these types of events are explosive. Drawn out. Wordy. Cryptic and far beyond what this movie even scratches the surface of.

I just don't see anything interesting about watching miserable people in miserable situations with obnoxiously predictable events and conclusions. Dialog that lacks true emotion and the associated internalization finally pouring out like a waterfall that obviously to someone who has lived this type of stuff, never comes. I can't imagine the writer behind this flop having ever suffered in life more than an ingrown toe nail or bad date and who didn't see that absurdly stupid seat change ending?

If your life has been tragic, they completely fail to recreate that at any respectable level.

Hollywood executives think if they shovel enough money and enough names into a movie than can just SHOVE IT DOWN OUR THROATS as quality film making with depth. I don't care how high you stack a pile of crap, it's depth stinks the deeper you go. Yes for the feeble minded lemmings of the world it works but for those of us who actually give a $#!^ we know a stinky, polished turd when we see and smell it.

Sitting through this was like watching a 2 hour dental surgery in person and then the patient complaining about the surgery as if it were a leg amputation or the loss of their sight.

2 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Took a few tries to get started but..., 23 January 2015
6/10

The third go I sat and watched enough to get passed the the sloppy opening scenes and it actually became interesting. Although we never really find out wth is going on, it doesn't take too long to realize this is a love story with a lot of misdirection so you think it's suddenly something it's not.

Danny Dyer has had a rather hit and miss career but over the last several years it's been pretty solid misses. Eventually he had to pick a good script and while the opening really needed to be rewritten, overall I thought it was a good movie with a lot of clever psychology.

For those that don't grasp the concept of the nightmare scene, this was Philip absorbing her pain and healing her. He would then carry it forever but she was freed of it for the rest of her life. The film had a lot of abstract implications mixed into it so while it probably won't find a widespread audience in the direct to video market, it's one that will gradually build admirers as it circulates over the years.

16 out of 33 people found the following review useful:
Drawn out, slow, dull, uncreative and for hipster adults or young airheads, 8 November 2014
1/10

I know everyone has their own opinions but the psychology of the human mind plays a huge role in standards and what people favor. This movie is downright awful. It drags on and on but nothing interesting happens. A few creepy people harass the protagonists then leave.

The dialog is boring, the characters are boring, the haunted houses are boring and the supporting characters are boring. This is another film for people who haven't been exposed to enough bad film to yet find it deplorable or, their taste is so awful and their psychological development so stunted that this caters to their oppressed mind.

It does not deserve a 5. whatever but it didn't deserve a budget either. When people set out to make low budget movies to make a name for themselves, horror is THE WORST choice and the second is teen or young adult singles movies revolving around swanky sex and brain dead hipster characters.

I struggled through this movie and watched the last 20 minutes in fast forward to see exactly what I expected. A bundle of scares that would only do their jobs for a 12 year old or under.

Frank (2014/II)
1 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
Frank has a big head, 5 September 2014
10/10

The movie only has one simple plot that slowly comes to a boil while we're distracted by the story of a band doing what real bands do, struggle.

While watching the distraction they take you in many different directions questioning the seriousness of the movie and characters. I'm a musician which believe it or not, makes this realistic. If you've hung out with musicians and artists, you've seen a lot of weirdness relabeled free spirited.

The ending of the movie brings closure and sense to everything. It's absolutely hysterical when you look at the premise of the movie and the seriousness of the ending. Most people won't get this movie even though most people think they have artistic standards and insight, they don't.

I have to imagine the creator had a wide variety of doodles of these characters with this simple concept in mind. Frank has a big head.


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