Reviews written by registered user

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20 reviews in total 
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1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
For the Kaiju Lover in All of Us!, 25 April 2012

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I was raised on Godzilla movies since I was a kid, though I'm not old enough to have seen the Saturday morning creature features. No, my craving for kaiju movies started on the marathons once aired on the Sci-Fi Channel (before it was changed to Syfy). I thought they'd prepare me for the Gamera movies, but it turns out I was dead wrong.

Don't get me wrong, the Gamera series stands on its own as decent enough movies, but they've got one unfortunate element none but three of the Godzilla movies had - rotten annoying brats with Level 5 security clearance to EVERYTHING on the planet. If what I've heard is correct too, we've got no one but Sandy Frank to thank for that.

And who do we have in this first Gamera movie? Why, we have Kenny, a lonely, deeply disturbed, emotionally indifferent, turtle obsessed ne'er-do-well. I wanted to shove that brat's head into a toilet and hold it there well after he'd drowned so much, that I was so pleased at the part with Crow and Tom when they were beating up on Kenny through the use of Joel's Jim Varney doll. Why is it that Kenny got away with every single thing he did in the movie? He sabotaged attempt after attempt for people to at least repel Gamera's rampages for crying out loud! Seriously, anybody got any Ritalin for this kid? If I'd been Gamera seeing Kenny dangling from that lighthouse, I not only would've let him fall but squashed him flat on the pavement for being the demonic little Anti-Christ he was.

And Joel and the Bots didn't let up on that fact at all, and I thank them deeply from the bottom of my heart. The episode wouldn't have been half as good without their constant bashing on that horrible kid.

Mike Nelson's portrayal of Gamera when he visits the SOL was great, that and let's not forget Tom's sweet serenade to Tibby the turtle (whom he miraculously obtained between the movie and the movie break). Honestly though, watching that poor turtle spinning on the turn table like that made me dizzy, and I could only imagine how dizzy Tibby was getting. The introduction and the invention exchange could've been a little better, but the rest of the movie definitely makes up for that.

4 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Hilarious . . . but disturbing at the same time, 12 March 2012

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I can't think of one negative thing to say about this episode. The politically correct Christmas carol was great and the comments throughout the movie were perfect. There is one thing about this episode that really gives me the chills though - and that's the movie itself.

It's supposed to portray a rosy story of Santa's quest to spread joy and love to the world and to punish all the bad children, but it doesn't even come close to hiding the fact that Santa's a crazy stalking sociopath! He's got a workshop full of kidnapped child labor for crying out loud! Am I the only one who noticed this? I guess since it's technically international space there's no child labor laws to prevent it. I think the only way it works is if they were the bad children of the world being rehabilitated, but that still doesn't justify him snatching them from their families!

And what's with Santa's sleigh? It's run by toy reindeer that laugh when wound up? How screwed up is that? I mean, when I first saw the laughing reindeer, all I could think of was that scene from "Evil Dead II" when the mounted deer head starts laughing at Bruce Campbell! In that kind of environment, I'm surprised the gifts didn't open themselves and start attacking the children and Santa on the spot! Geez, after everything else that'd happened, it would've at least made sense.

His rather toned down duel with Pitch the devil was like something out of a either a cheap Abbot and Costello or Laurel and Hardy routine too! I'm just glad they didn't try to make it as serious as the rest of the movie, what with the devil's bassoon based theme music. And what about Santa sinking down to Satan's level with the toy cannon? I know the anagram is there, but that doesn't mean Santa has to make good on it!

Finally, the children that Santa visits. Were they they only children on Santa's list that year? Was there some kind of lottery that I missed each year when I was a kid? Sure, I know the movie wouldn't have been able to show him visiting every child on the planet, but a montage of some kind showing him visiting a few more houses would've been better than wasting his time on a small handful of kids! And the way he convinces the neglectful parents of the sad rich kid? He gives them a steaming bubbling drink they take without question? The last time I checked, either something's gotta be acidic or boiling hot to do something like that! What were they, Pangalactic Gargleblasters?

I'm still giving this episode a perfect score though since the creepiness of the whole thing really helps add to the hilarity. Bravo Best Brains!

2 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Big McLargeHuge, 6 March 2012

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This episode definitely proved to have some of the funniest commentary. Honestly, how can you go wrong with Captain Santa Claus, Second-in-Command Sting, his daughter Debbie Reynolds, and a crew that wants to slit his throat? Not to mention that he brought aboard a chunk headed body builder who thinks driving a Lark at 3mph is an adrenaline filled rush.

The best riffs definitely came from all the different names for the chunk head. In fact, there are so many names for him now that I can't even remember what his real name is. Top 5 in the alternative names - 5) Crud Bonemeal, 4)Gristle McThornbody, 3)Bob Johnson (just because it's thrown in so casually), 2) Slab Bulkhead, and 1) Big McLargeHuge.

This movie more or less riffs on itself though, and not just because of the look-alikes mentioned previously. It's great because you can obviously tell how it ends with the laundry cleaner named guy sitting in a puddle before his eyes open. The sets were second rate too, especially in the terms of it being a futuristic space ship. I mean, who wouldn't want to build a space ship with concrete floors, brick walls, shattered glass windows, and enough pipes and railings to host an anti-gravity limbo contest?

It doesn't quite top it's predecessor, "Invasion of the Neptune Men," but it definitely stands on its own as being one of the all time best MST3K episodes of the later season.

2 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Johnny: Portrait of a Serial Brat, 3 March 2012

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This is one of my favorite episodes from the earlier seasons. As a Sandy Frank production, it doesn't let up on the cheesy dubbing, the horrible editing (since it was originally a Japanese TV series, I feel fine saying that), and it had it's share of poorly done credit stills in the beginning. The one thing I can't understand is this - Why couldn't they have leaned on Johnny any more than they did?

Yes, Johnny, with his little shorts and even shorter attention span. Of all the Sandy Frank kids, from Kenny, Ichi, Akio and all the other Gamera kids, Johnny has got to be by far the most annoying. He's the center of attention in the first movie break where Joel and the Bots analyze why Johnny "doesn't care," which should've led to either a stern lecture or a good old Americana slap in the face by his parents for saying that. Instead, what happens? His parents smile and let him get away with it! And right after a tremor? It's enough to make you wish that a fissure opened up in the earth and swallowed him up on his way to Tarkus Brain Lab 4.

Speaking of Tarkus Brain Lab 4, Johnny's allowed to go wherever he wants and touch whatever he wants? He's allowed to climb inside one of the freezers and no one pulls him out and disciplines him? Talk about script immunity! I would've dragged him out of the freezer and locked him in the waiting room with only back issues of Highlights to read! He doesn't respect anyone, not even the only other human being in a world run by apes! Goto takes him and the others in with his own good graces and what does Johnny do? He immediately makes fun of Goto's name and wolfs down Goto's store of food! Seriously, in a world run by apes, a human would need to work for a long time to store up the amount of food Johnny gulped down practically whole. And the water? Getting clean water in the wilderness, water that's free of germs and bacteria from planet life sounds hard enough. If I was Goto, I would've made Johnny spit out the water and throw him out to the apes (or maybe back between those beds of spikes that almost killed the little brat).

Finally, Johnny shows no respect for the apes. It's perfectly clear that they're the ones in charge of this country, and what does Johnny do? He threatens to kill them while he's tied down to a tree. Then, when he's face to face with His Excellency, he sneers and practically insults the only one who can save his life. And the food again! Johnny's first instinct when he see's food is to run up and eat it all before anyone can have their share. Of course the apes have their own set of rules and customs! Johnny's the stranger in a strange land, and he expects the world to revolve around him?

All in all, still one of my favorite episodes. I just really wish the flying saucer would've zapped Johnny for the good of all life on this planet.

Any Questions?, 19 January 2012

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Why yes, I do have a question. In fact, I have several questions.

One - What was the deal with the opening and closing credits? I get the fact that they're living in the same world as it's all primitive and what, but it might've been nice if they were actually in the same storyline. The beginning credits consisted of a bunch of weirdos in loin cloths more or less frolicking through some overgrown shrubs and the ending credits consisted of some weird turkey-headed guys with spears escorting some other weirdos in loin cloths through a cave and then two of the weirdos smile at one another. Continuity anybody?

Two - What was the deal with the prologue? Yeah, it was good background to explain Ator's origins, but the scenes were detailed and produced well enough (and that's saying a lot in a movie with garage sale quality props) that they could've very well been their own movie. Were they? Is there some prequel I'm not familiar with here? If there is, I wanna see it so I can compare it to this so-called movie.

Three - What exactly was the old guy's discovery? Was it a rear view mirror that contained some kind of atomic particle, which might explain the mushroom cloud at the end of the movie? A mushroom cloud, which by the way would've completely vaporized Ator if he was anywhere near it when he destroyed it even though we see him riding his horse unscathed through an open valley (with four-wheeler tracks seen at one point in the background) before the end credits.

Four - Where did Ator keep his hang glider? In his hair? And why was he flying it over Mad Ludwig's castle in Bulgaria like he'd entered Pink Floyd's "Learning To Fly" music video? The two castles looked nothing alike!

Five - How could the girl have reached the ends of the Earth so quickly? I know it's the power of editing, but if it's any indication of her travels since she didn't take along any provisions from home, then the world must be considerably smaller than anyone would've guessed.

My head's hurting just trying to think of answers to these questions.

1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Side-Splittingly Awful, 7 September 2010

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

There's really nothing positive that can be said about this movie except one thing - you'll laugh so hard you might just crack a rib. If this movie is any sign of where shark movies are heading, then we might as well just bathe ourselves in chum, go play with a bunch of seals, and wait for the Great Whites to just roll in.

The story revolves around your basic shark movie - shark terrorizes beach, rogue authority figure tries to make it safe but the bureaucratic douche-bags refuse to listen, the shark eats some more people, and is eventually destroyed at the end. This particular one just happens to follow a "Jaws 3-D" story-line where the first shark is killed and mama comes for revenge, and this mama just happens to be 60 feet long according to the movie.

So what more can be said about "Shark Attack 3"? Well, how about the fact that the male lead looks and acts very much like a boy-band reject and the female lead looks like she was molded out of Botox and Collagen (and who out of nowhere towards the end of the movie is revealed to be an expert with a crossbow); the shark is made up of a combination of bad props, stock-footage of Great White sharks, and cheesy CGI; the shark's growl makes it sound constipated (though the fact that it growls in the first place is also a sign of the movie's incompetence); a cast of extras who voluntarily jump into the water while there's a monster shark swimming around in it; a villain who's mere appearance shows he's the villain; a wise old mentor who looks suspiciously like John McCain; out-of-sync dubbing; an overuse of Deus ex Machina at the end of the movie involving the male lead stuffing the shark's mouth with a tiny little submersible and then swimming to safety without so much as a tiny little scratch, who in turn survives the underwater shock wave from a Mark 44 torpedo; and without a doubt one of the absolute WORST improvised lines in the history of movie history said by the male lead the night before their big shark hunt?

Now, mix all of that and put it on film, and you have got a top notch cult-classic of a modern day B-movie.

FleshEater (1988)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Could I bleed to death before the end of this movie?, 13 October 2009

I first heard about this movie from MST3K's Mike Nelson when he did the commentary for Night of the Living Dead and I was fortunate enough to find it online. Well, I was about twenty-one minutes in and I was already bored enough to wonder how much blood I could lose before the end of the movie. Honestly, this movie is nothing but a horror director's wet dream, specifically the number of bare female chests seen throughout the movie, not the mention the all important full frontal female nude shower scene somewhere toward the middle of the movie. It's got the suspense of the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the gore of the original Dawn of the Dead, and the acting of an educational video I saw in the sixth grade about nutrition. So, in closing, take another minute to think about ways you could throw an hour and a half of your life away instead of sitting through this slasher porn.

4 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Godzilla meets Independence Day meets the Matrix, 11 July 2009

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I remember growing up watching monster movies on the Sci-Fi channel as I'm too young to have seen them in the Creature Double-Features in the old days. I laughed at the rubber suits, the model cities, and the overused stock footage from previous Godzilla movies. When it moved from the Showa Era to the Millennium Era though and the costumes and stories actually got a bit more intricate, I still mostly watched them just for a cheap laugh. This movie, I have to say, caught me a bit by surprise. I first saw it on and actually went out to buy it (it's the only time it's ever happened to me too) so I guess that's saying something. There's no doubt there are definite pros and cons about the movie, so let me just mention a few of them.

One pro is that the movie actually looks like it had a budget. There were decent special and computer affects for the type of flick, especially the parts showing the alien star fighters. There were computer generated scenes for the monsters too that made them a bit more believable, such as Rodan flying over New York and Anguirus rolling over Shanghai, but they didn't neglect the idea of guys crawling around on their hands and knees to imitate a quadruped. There's a con to this though, as some die-hard fans of the franchise might look at it as a bad representation of a series built solely on model airplanes and rubber monster suits. We all know how the 1998 Godzilla remake starring Matthew Broderick was received (though I might be the only one who defends it anymore). Another con would be that the special affects might've made the writers feel they could write anything and make it a masterpiece, such as the aliens declaring their home planet was unpronounceable to humans but we could call them Xiliens (well then, shouldn't they have called their planet Xilia if that was the case?) Another pro for this movie is that there was a decent story and premise. The idea of mutant/human hybrids actually standing up to Ebirah and winning shows that humanity really isn't as helpless as we seem. Reviving the classic Kaitei Gunkan submarine, the Gotengo, was also a good idea for the writers as it helps establish a link for this movie to the rest of Showa era Toho. The con though is that the story of aliens coming to Earth and unleashing monsters against us has been done a few times already. It was funny to watch how people were so open to the concept of welcoming aliens to Earth, as though they've never been tricked or attacked by them before.

Unfortunately, there is another con to the story concept. Because of there being something other than giant monsters rampaging through Tokyo, the actors must've thought they could just half ass it through most scenes. They showed more interest in shouting their lungs out and trying to force their skulls out of their skin, as though they had taken acting lessons from Jean-Claude Van Damme. To make up for this though, the score composer included a decent soundtrack despite the only time March of the Monsters (the Godzilla theme) is heard is in the very beginning. The music has a touch of symphony laced into a mostly synthesized score that helps add to the computer animation showed from time to time and to give the giant monsters, including Godzilla, a feeling of unlocked power and rage. Don Frye (Capt. Gordon) had one of the few developed characters throughout the whole movie too. He also did one of the best jobs acting, his sarcasm and indifference seeming almost straight out of a Douglas Adams book.

Back to the actual story, the movie itself is like putting bits of Independence Day and the Matrix in a blender and dripping the bits over a reel for Destroy All Monsters. Masahiro Matsuoka (Ôzaki) looked enough like Keanu Reeves when he spontaneously unlocked his unlimited power ability (as though he could do it the whole time and decided to do it then for no good reason) that he could've posed as Reeves's stunt double for the Matrix, I think something to do with the hair and cheek bones.

Aside from all I've said, I can't help give this movie such a high vote. Yes, the cons seem to outweigh the pros in some cases but look at it this way - It's a Godzilla movie! What were you expecting? Sometimes when I watch this movie, I get the feeling the cons were included purposefully just so I could laugh and heckle it just like all the other ones.

The only real thing that bothered me about the movie was the ending, but it wasn't really the fact that Godzilla walks off into the ocean like he usually does. It had to do with the fact that there was that symbolism of the younger generation teaching the older generation to forgive grave mistakes. Every time I watch that and see the kid standing in front of his grandfather (who, by the way, is aiming at something that stands about two hundred times taller than the kid) to keep the guy from shooting Godzilla. I guess it isn't too bad since it influenced Milla to do the same against Godzilla, though his angle was a bit more affective against beings twenty times smaller. The one thing that got me though was the last line of the movie, about how it wasn't an ending but just a new beginning.

I'll be waiting for the next installment, which will probably be due in about twenty years.

Extraordinary, 25 June 2009

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

The very first time I saw footage of this concert, it was with my mother and father while they were channel surfing and stopped on a pledge drive on one of those public television channels, and it had gotten to the last few songs (I think from 'Brain Damage' to the end). I thought they were all right, but when I started to hear the guitar solo at the end of 'Comfortably Numb,' I found I had forgotten to breathe for almost a minute. It is, without a doubt, the greatest and most euphoric rendition of that song David Gilmour ever did and the acoustics of the theater make it incredibly clear. It's even better than the studio version off "The Wall." The rest of the concert, especially performances like 'High Hopes,' 'One of ThEse Days,' 'Learning to Fly,' and 'Run Like Hell' are incredible and I cannot get enough of it. Bravo, Pink Floyd.

Godzilla (1998/I)
16 out of 23 people found the following review useful:
Movie = 8 out of 10 . . . Continuity = 2 out of 10, 21 August 2007

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

The first time I saw this movie I was still in high school and I was interested in watching the old Japanese Godzilla (a guy in a lizard suit used over and over again). Because of that, I didn't have very high expectations for it, but that was before I learned to treat movies as their own stories. Now, as I watch this movie again (at about the first time Godzilla takes the large batch of fish), I find that the movie is a very good attempt at story telling.

However, after watching it with a friend in college, a friend who lived in New York for much of his earlier life, I learned a few things about the movie that makes me think that it's one very well written continuity error.

It seems to me that the writers tried to make New York a very fictional place, either that or perhaps some of them had never even been to the City that Never Sleeps. One example of this would be the layout of the city itself, like when the helicopters are chasing the big guy between the buildings. The city looked more like a maze rather than the grid of buildings that it really is. Perhaps the writers and miniature set designers did this on purpose to give the helicopters a sense of dread should they get lost. New York, after all, is a very big place where anyone can lose their way if they're not careful.

Another part would be when Godzilla jumps into the Hudson river and encounters the two or three nuclear submarines ready to blast it with torpedoes. It depicts the river as being as deep as parts of the Atlantic when in reality, it's actually only about 15 feet deep. Don't get me wrong, it's a cool idea, especially since the Japanese Godzilla always emerged from the depths of the ocean. Perhaps it was to make him feel more at home, or to show his true amphibious nature by swimming through the river like an eel.

Then, there's the final scene where Godzilla's chasing our heroes over the Brooklyn Bridge. I'm not sure whether the big guy actually weighs less than he looks or not, but anything that big would have done more damage to the bridge than just shaking it around a bit. One step on the Brooklyn Bridge by that thing would have torn it apart. I can understand though that it would be the only thing that could tangle it up for the F-18's to shoot it dead, but a more realistic method of entanglement would be for it to run down the river and slam into it like a tennis court net. But then again, just the fact that they maid the river about a league deep would make it hard for it to run along it.

Godzilla's size comes into perspective once again when our heroes find the nest in Madison Square Garden where the big guy's laid his eggs. I know the place is big, but there is no way he could fit perfectly into the basket ball arena without doing anything more than ripping the floor out. The ceiling and roof would have been completely demolished and the halls would have been smashed through.

Keep in mind folks that this is the point of view of someone who's only seen New York through one form of media or the other, so if there's anything anyone wants to add to the list of errors, than just submit them to my account.

In all fairness, I still find this to be a good attempt at story telling. I hold to my rating of 8/10 for writing and production, but only a 2/10 for continuity.

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