Reviews

37 ReviewsOrdered By: Date
Love (II) (2015)
1/10
Pretension
30 October 2015
This film is literally a 90 minute porno hiding behind a 2 hour art film. Everything about it is bad. The editing is horrific, every single shot is separated by a half second of a pure black screen. The script is bad. BAAAD. No one has anything resembling a likable personality, there is no plot, the dialogue is stupid at best. The acting... well, these people weren't hired for their acting talent. They were hired because they were willing to get naked and have unsimulated sex on film. This film shows random sex scenes every chance it can. Also it's homophobic and transphobic, there is a scene played totally for laughs where the main guy freaks out over a transgendered woman. OH and if you're an epileptic, avoid this because the director seems to enjoy giving people seizures with random flashing lights.

Literally the only thing about this that's in any way well done is the sex, and you can see better sex in actual porn films. Just go rent a porno, you'll get more enjoyment out of it and you won't have to deal with this horribly made 'film'.
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Z Nation (2014– )
5/10
From the people that brought you "Sharknado"
16 September 2014
So let's be clear, the second you saw this was aired on SyFy and made by Asylum that should've been the second you realised there is literally no hope of taking this seriously. It's not going to happen, and I don't think they were trying to be serious. This is what The Asylum does, they take a major blockbuster and make a copy of it to try and cash in. This is their version of The Walking Dead, it's obscenely clear from the second it starts and you see how the shots look. The visual tone, the language used and even some of the characters are carbon copies of things The Walking Dead did, and did better. If you want to see a show that takes it's subject matter incredibly seriously then you watch the Walking Dead, however if you want a good insane hour of TV that doesn't care and is so bad it's hilarious at times then you might enjoy this.
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Maleficent (2014)
1/10
Maleficent, The Big Green Softie
26 June 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Does anyone even remember the original Sleeping Beauty? I do, it was my favorite Disney movie as a child. I had an old VHS copy that I would watch every week, in love with the visuals and the dialog and every character. Maleficent was always my favorite villain, she was pure evil but reveled in it. She was joyous in just destroying a kingdom for no other reason than "I didn't get an invite to a party". She was the most evil character ever, her first action on screen was to attempt to kill a child. She was amazing. When I heard there was a movie about her, I was pumped. A full hour and a half showing Maleficent being evil, she would chew scenery and give us a fun thrill ride of a movie, it would be a departure for Disney but it'd be fun and epic in scope. I was prepared for fun.

I walked into the cinema and took my seat and was ready for fun... 5 minutes in, Maleficent has magically healed a tree and I realized the folly of my choice in movie. They took Disney's greatest villain, someone who was the purest of evil and loved it, and they turned her into a wood nymph that got raped by the prince and had a bad day. That's it, the wing cutting scene is a metaphor for Rape. That's not my interpretation, that was what they intended! The scene everyone was looking forward too (The curse scene) was an almost perfect recreation of the original movie and I was prepared to love it... and then, instead of Maleficent cursing Aurora to die, she cursed her with the threat of a coma. I'm sorry, that's not scary. The entire reason that Aurora had to be taken from the kingdom was because Maleficent had cursed her to die, Maryweather came up with the hail Mary pass of 'sleep' but they took her into the forest just in case Maryweather's spell didn't work. Here, they do it because they have too.

Oh, did I forget to mention that Maleficent spends the entire movie knowing exactly where Aurora is (Which in the original movie, she didn't, it was a plot point and everything) and even saves her life several times? They took the greatest Disney villain of all time, and literally had her pulling people's pigtails with magic.

Don't even get me started on the stupid ending, which is stupid and offensive in so many ways (The least of which is what it did to the story of Sleeping Beauty)

I have heard people say that it's a fun movie. I'm sorry, I spent all of it with my head in my hands wanting it to stop because it hurt to see a character I loved completely destroyed. This movie had the potential to be great, it had the potential to be something different. It was Wicked, except Wicked had the smarts to realize that yes, this character is Evil and while you can love her, she has to die at the end.

Thankyou Disney for ruining my favorite childhood villain.
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Gravity (2013)
10/10
Welcome to the Space Jam
7 April 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Within the first 20 minutes of the movie my biggest praise was "Hallelujah, a space movie where they don't allow sound in a vacuum". It's a giant pet peeve of mine and when I realized this film wasn't going to betray that science, I had hope.

Then the first explosion and Sandra Bullock got flung into space happened, and I couldn't look away.

Not only is this film a visual marvel, it's a film that made me wonder why Sandra Bullock didn't get the Oscar for best actress. I may not have seen Cate Blanchett's movie but I didn't have to spend an hour and a half with her and her alone. Sandra is the only actor for the bulk of the movie. Clooney has about 2 scenes in total, maybe 3 if you're pushing it. Sandra carries the entire weight of the film on her own. It's a miraculous performance that deserves endless praise.

Technologically, I'm in awe of what they accomplished. I have seen a few space based films before and very often it's hard to believe that they're really in space. This movie, you completely buy that they just shot a movie in space. I swear when I watched it, I didn't even realize that the outdoor shots are all animated even though that's literally the only way you could do this kind of film.

The story is compelling and terrifying, I know nothing about science but I could completely buy everything this film was saying. I could buy that an astronaut could get lost in space like that. I believed everything they were doing was real, they never once pushed beyond the limits of what you would believe.

It's no wonder why this film was considered one of the best of the year. It's a great 90 minute thrill ride that you can enjoy as popcorn fluff, as gorgeous art, as a feat of technology or as a metaphor for life. It's one of those rare movies where everything works, and you wonder how anyone could say anything bad about it because it's a absolutely flawless movie
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2/10
I Spit On Your Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent
17 December 2013
Warning: Spoilers
The 1978 movie will go down as one of the most controversial movies in history. It was horrific and brutal and broke boundaries. It might have been a horribly brutal film, but it put something on screen we'd never seen before and without it, movies like The Accused and Girl With A Dragon Tattoo couldn't exist like they do. The 2010 remake showed how far we've come as a society. A movie that was once relegated to obscure theaters and banned outright in several countries is now a mainstream Hollywood release filmed in high definition and sent worldwide. It wasn't as gripping as the original, but it should be stunning how far we've come that a movie once regarded as 'the most horrific of all time' could now get released in every cinema on the planet.

This movie… shows sometimes you really need to think before you sequel. Why exactly did I Spit On Your Grave need a sequel? It didn't, and let's be honest this isn't a sequel. There's no returning characters, no recurring villains, the only thing about this that matches the original or the remake is that it's about a girl who get's brutally raped and kills her attackers. That's not a sequel, that's a retelling. It's barely even a good retelling because for starters this movie tries to make one of the attackers (Specifically the first guy that rapes her, and breaks into her apartment aka THE REASON EVERYTHING HAPPENS) sympathetic. That makes no sense. I'm sorry but if you start the ritualistic group rape of a woman, you could be working at a hospital for deaf orphans with polio and I'm not going to sympathize you. I'm going to hate you and want you to suffer the most.

The main girl is just… I can't even. Her plot goes that she want's to be a model, finds a 'free modeling' poster and then get's put into this hell. Her screaming is annoying as hell and I know that she's going through hell, I know she's going to scream but guess what? There's a way to scream that doesn't make me hate you, but her screaming instantly sets me off (Maybe it's because after a while her character trait is 'Scream')

The main 'villain', aka the first guy to rape and break into her house, has the most obscenely inconsistent character ever. I mean before he breaks into the house he just seems jerky, then he's rapey and killy, and then he's sad and trying to help… did they just realize the script have too many characters and combine 2 of them in the rewriting of this? Because that might make sense… it'd be dumb but I'd understand it. Also when the girl finally escapes, covered in wounds and screaming 'help me' no one listens. I'm sorry, even in Yugoslavia or wherever the hell they took her, someone would help her… hell the police don't even help her, someone from a shelter takes her. I mean maybe it's cos I've never been in this country (I don't even know which one they're in), maybe it's a policy that shelters can over ride Policemen but I'm sorry, this makes absolutely no sense. Oh and it makes even less sense when (Surprise) The people that save her end up taking her back to the rape room… so yes, this movie just want's you to believe that everyone is going to rape you and there's nothing you can do about it. I have seen Irreversible, Last House, The ORIGINAL I Spit On your Grave and The Accused and all of them are far better films with a rape as a major plot line in them than this. This isn't even cheap looking enough to be exploitation, this is cruel in the worst way When you make a horror movie you're meant to make it horrific, I have absolutely no problems with a horror movie that uses rape as a plot device, provided it uses it well or does something to change the medium. Instead of something like that, we get a film where a man rapes a woman with a tazer to the point where she's bleeding… this isn't horror, this is anti-woman film making at it's worst, it's no wonder this film went straight to DVD, it feels like it's too good for even that.
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McCanick (2013)
8/10
Proof that there was more to Monteith
9 November 2013
The hallmark of a really good performance is that you don't even realize who the actor is. The ability to transform and completely change who you are to create a character is a rare talent... Cory pulls that off in this movie. Let's be honest, no one is seeing this movie because they're a fan of police drama's. There are thousands of those out there and yes, those are better told than this one. You're interested in this movie as a curious last look at Cory's career to see what his final piece of work was. Well let me tell you right now, this is something special. He devoted himself to this character. He is so far into it that even when his face takes up 90% of the screen you'll be second guessing if it's Cory or not. He dived into this character completely and if this is to go in the history books as his final film, it's a perfect film to hold that title. It proves that he had fantastic potential to pull out amazing performances, sadly we won't see any more after this. It's a must see for any fan of Cory, you owe it to yourself to see him at his prime.
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3/10
What happened?
26 October 2013
Seriously what happened to the Wayan's? Scary Movie was a great spoof movie. The first 2 in that series were comedic genius, cleverly constructed and had some really funny jokes. They had great characters and some clever set pieces... this is Marlon Wayan's saying "This is what white people do" over and over again, interspersed with gay jokes and fart gags. This was just not up to par with the level of silliness and joy that I expected. What happened? Did they just waste their material on those 2 Scary Movies? I mean White Chick's wasn't great but there was still something there, but here it's just variations of jokes they've done before but better. Hell I think the only line I genuinely laughed at was "Two Dogs, One Duck" and even that was instantly followed by me stating "That joke would've been better 3 years ago". I mean seriously, it can't be that hard to parody Paranormal Activity, it can't be.
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9/10
Chucky got Lucky
22 October 2013
Childs Play 1 Terrified me and made me uneasy around dolls for a week. Childs play 2 entertained me but didn't make me scared about dolls. Childs play 3 bored me cos they just lost it. Bride of Chucky delighted me with it's dark humor and great scares. Seed of Chucky made me laugh for hours with it's meta humor.

I say this at the start so you know a mild version of my history with this series. I've seen every single one, I love every one (Except for the 3rd) and I think it's one of the cleverest horror franchises around because it keeps evolving and changing. They're not the same style, they go along different story lines, they break new boundaries and try new things.

And this is the one that I believe to be the best of the bunch. In terms of scares, this one beats every other one. They use Chucky only when they need too, they don't have him speak until almost halfway through. Even though we're 5 movies in, even though he's on the DVD cover, even though you will go into this movie knowing full well that it's Chucky... somehow it maintains tension and the doll never becomes a cheap joke.

And yes this is a sequel, they do a simple and brilliant reveal to confirm that it's set after the other films.

Brad Dourif is in top form, his vocal performance always sell's Chucky but this time it's like he went to an even darker place to make the voice even creepier. He refuses to hold back and creates a performance that's completely terrifying.

His daughter Fiona is a perfect foil to him, playing terrified in ways I didn't imagine possible. She sells her role, owns every second of it and genuinely makes you believe that the doll is real.

If you want to see a truly scary Chucky movie that fires on all cylinders and doesn't hold back for even a minute, this is the one for you
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2/10
Well that escalated quickly
7 September 2013
Warning: Spoilers
I've never been that big of a fan of the paranormal activity movies. To me they seemed to be the kind of movies that pretended to be about building suspense but in reality were just jump scares with a plot but this one was below my expectations. For the majority of the film it's slow and boring in terms of character and plot. There's nothing interesting going on for the first hour and if you can stay awake that long I applaud you. The fact that a family can essentially adopt the neighbors kid like that makes no sense to me and for ages I was just bored. There was maybe one or two moments of possible tension, but that's instantly undercut by obvious product placement ("Oh is that the Kinect?" should not be a line of dialog) and moments where characters go "See See, isn't that creepy" which takes all the tension out... and then the last act happens. I won't reveal much but let's just say that it goes from a film that's boring to one that's manic, the last shot is baffling and confusing and belongs in a different movie. This wasn't scary, this was simply someone knowing that sudden loud noises can shock people. Just avoid.
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Sharknado (2013 TV Movie)
10/10
It's Sharks in a tornado what more do you want?
27 July 2013
That's it. That's my review. I can't top the title in explanation, you have Twister and Jaws in one movie with none of the budget or talent. It's the best B movie I've seen. I can't top that. I can't expand on that. I'm literally just typing to fill IMDb'S 10 line rule. See this line? This line holds no purpose! Just watch this movie. That's it. That's all. Oh look I reached my limit. I can post this now. I can post this simple stupid possibly junk review now right? Because this movie is review proof. It's perfect. It's awesome. WHY ARE YOU READING THIS AND NOT WATCHING TORNADO SHARKS!? Seriously you have no reason to read anymore, you know this movie contains Sharks and Tornados. It's exactly as stupid as you think, go watch it NOW!
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