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The Expendables (2010)
and it really was expendable!!
The name says it all, it was like, they named it for easy abuse! I haven't reviewed anything on here for a looonnngggg time, I just felt so strongly about it I had to write something.
Boring thin plot, boring characters, didn't care who lived/died and there wasn't any comedy to save it. Although saying that, Sylvester, i like him but, has he had plastic surgery or is that make-up? he just keeps looking more like his mum! Bear in mind, I don't love action movies, but I just feel a movie needs more than JUST explosions and shooting and a few movie stars.
Don't watch, unless you really just like seeing things go boom.
The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
that's one train i don't wanna 'bored'
Why is it i only feel compelled to write a review when i think the movie sucks? I like all his previous movies and love the subtle comedy, believe me...BUT THIS! this has like 2 funny parts and the rest is slow and boring. I wouldn't say it's crap, and i appreciate it for what it is, but it didn't do anything for me at all, easily forgotten. The tall brother who wears the glasses had absolutely nothing to add, and his character is almost non-existent. Owen Wilson is OK, but it just wasn't funny to me, and the storyline wasn't gripping enough to give me anything else. It wasn't sharp or witty. I think his comedy has become so subtle i can't even detect it anymore! Wes, sort it out! Storyline in nutshell, 3 brothers meet up in India for a spiritual journey to help them get back to being real brothers. During their journey, they ride a train (The Darjeeling Limited), they visit a market and temple. They finally meet their mother, but she does a runner somewhere. When they are about to board the plane home, they do a u-turn and go back on the train, dropping all their luggage on the way which is a bit over the top. (please don't tell me this is a deep symbolic moment because dropping your luggage when you clearly don't need to is just wasteful not to mention littering!) Watch one of his other movies instead. Thanks.
Cheung gong 7 hou (2008)
Great story, acting and humour made this my first 10!
I saw this movie last night (i live in Taiwan) and before, if i highly enjoyed a movie and told people how good it was, their high expectations could make a movie less funny, you know what i mean? Anyway I'll praise the heck out of it coz i loved it and Stephen Chow has a great sense of humour! The movie is basically about a young boy and his father, who are poor but uphold good morals and ethics (we may be poor, but we don't steal, fight etc.). The father is a construction worker and doesn't want his kid to wind up like him, so the boy attends a very expensive high class school, but to compensate they live in a falling apart building and his father gets all his clothes etc. from the garbage dump. One day the father finds something there that he gives to his son, this (CJ7) changes their lives, for the better. I know that's probably what every review says! but i don't want to say to much as I'll probably ruin the beauty of it all! I will say that there are some scenes that nearly made me cry i as laughing so much. It's subtle things that do it, like the teacher won't let the poor student boy near him because he thinks he's so dirty! And the boy's a great little actor, cracked me up. Unfortunately i have yet to view S.Chow's other flicks, but i'm about to. I hope you'll get a chance to watch it.
The Last Winter (2006)
The Last Crappy Movie I See
I can't believe someone referred to this movie as 'gripping' & 'Jurassic Park meets The Shining' - have you even seen those movies?! Hilarious! And another reviewer exclaimed 'this is a director to watch out for' - no kidding, stay away! If you want a weird bore-fest of a movie which could have been sooooo much more, feel free to indulge yourselves, but be prepared to either 1. be confused at such a pointless storyline or 2. fall asleep at such a boring storyline. The choice is entirely yours of course, so don't feel pressured to choose one or the other.
I got so excited about the setting of this story and that it had been labeled 'horror'. I now hate labels. The movie starts off well enough, with a team working for an oil company in Alaska, then the movie starts to get bad! During their time there, an environmentalist dude expresses his concerns about the climate changing and it's not a good idea to drill etc. (he should have been more concerned with the state of his facial hair) then one guy is curious about some random white box in the middle of nowhere (which could have been more of a focal point, as the DVD cover suggested!), which he goes to visit, alone. The next time he re-unites with his team mates, he is weird, disturbed (he probably just found out there is another 60 minutes of movie left) he then records himself in the nude! then he goes outside and dies in the snow, yay! from then until the end of the movie, the rest of the team see ghost lamas or something galloping in the distance, one guy gets a nosebleed and dies, 2 men see ghost mooses and then for some reason, drop dead. At a guess, it is supposed to be about nature taking revenge on man for drilling it for oil. That's all i could make out, that and the fact who ever made this film is loco.
If you like '30 days of night' or 'the thing', you'll hate this because it's nothing like it, it's boring and weird and nothing really happens! Don't watch it!
I Am Legend (2007)
Great movie, but the ending 2 short
Once again a story about someone fighting off zombie people who are trying to eat him/her and only come out at night. This doesn't mean i don't like it. It means it seems to me that the people that make movies really are in it sheerly for the cash or why don't they think up a more original idea? Although i guess it is more original as it is based on the book that it was based on. How can people make a movie so similar and get away with it? It seems to be the way these days with any kind of movie genre. Anyway! The movie had good tension and good story i felt, until the end. I felt the movie storyline finished too early thy did all the ground work for the story, it comes down to the last scene which is just another Hollywood cheesy ending. It could have been so much more and left me completely satisfied. It always seems to be the same ending these days, and all anyone ever says is - 'it's up to you to decide'. Well, i'm sorry that's just laziness on the writer/producer side. They can't be bothered to finish the story so they just leave it open...unless they are making a second, then thats OK! I recommend it as i found it had plenty of shocks and tension, only I'd rather the didn't use so much CGI! If you liked 28 days later, see it!
Son of a hitch. This movie is crazy biscuits!
I wasn't expecting much, but after introducing the lead character, setting up the storyline, it probably ain't the best idea to then go ahead and kill him off after 5 mins, now is it? NO IT'S NOT! They don't have a clue the hitcher is a dangerous psycho, even though when he first meets them he stares at them and says in a sleazy voice 'thanks, I've been waiting for you'! One small little problem that the producer of this movie seemed to have overlooked - how the heck is the hitcher supposed to be the same guy as 17 years ago, when he now looks about 20 years younger now?! The remainder of this lame movie i witnessed Busey Jr pull a few cheesy grins whilst basically killing the whole police force as they believe all his porkies and let him free every time. The chick in it almost deserves to be so easily unbelievably framed for all the murders because she does really dumb things like, when the psycho was frying up some breakfast he kills all the cops with the shotgun and then throws the gun to the girl and says catch, she catches, put her grubby prints ALL over it, then the police arrest her. Later on, she obviously hasn't learned from her mistakes when, psycho man kills some more cops, wipes his prints off, and throws the gun to her. What does she do? - immediately pick up the gun of course! who wouldn't? Naturally at the end of the movie she kills him, after flying a plane near him whilst he's driving a truck for about 4 hours, it still mystifies me what she was trying to do. She kills him by pointing a shotgun at him and staring at the gasoline truck behind him and then saying she doesn't want to get burnt (which i think, is a pretty clear signal what she is about to do) but he just slowly turns around then turns back wearing a confused expression upon his face. Dufus!
This is OK if there is nothing else on. Can't beat the original, 2007 remake is lame as well!
Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007)
poo-poo in the loo-loo
Lordy this was lame. The first one had a far superior storyline and actually had me interested, even wanting the folks NOT to die. This feeling was retracted somewhat in no.2 because the characters either were such bad actors or they ANNOYED THE POPCORN OUTTA ME! It's a reality game show (woopee do, I'm sure this sounds familiar) where they have to survive in the forest for 5 days. It REALLY annoys me when they start the killing too early in movies, why can't they build a storyline and tension, then deliver the gore? After the first death, a blond chick who got sliced, her body looked so fake/rubber when they dragged her away, it was practically bouncing down the road. The most annoying character was the x-games guy, he was the one i wanted the most to die. (unfortunately i had to wait over an hour for this to happen) He was simply over the top dumb, with stupid sexual innuendo jokes that were in no way funny, for example he would see a spear and say to a girl 'ooo look, its so hard and long hahahahaha' SHUT IT! what a goober. When the game show host was introducing the game he said the number '2', immediately the goober guy said 'ooo i just did one of those at the gas station' COME ON!
Of course dumb dialogue was not isolated, when they were looking for their friends after they were missing one guy ingeniously exclaimed 'let's take the woods, if we take the road we'll be sitting ducks' Advantages of taking the road: you can see what's going on, have a chance of seeing a car to help. Advantages of taking the woods: you have a great chance of getting lost and an even better chance of being sliced and diced by the yocal inbreds that live there. hmmm tough choice?! This movie is just a copy with dumb youngsters doing dumb things and getting rightfully slaughtered for their mistakes! like when they see 2 inbreds getting jiggy with it (totally unnecessary scene) one kid shouts 'hey!' WHY?! and then one girl randomly runs off and falls in a hole. The rest fight and nearly die. There is one line that the blond and the athlete keep saying that i so 1980's - 'sue me'. They seem to think it's really funny and keep saying it, my thoughts - SHUT UP.
I will leave on a positive note, there is one funny line for the game show host/commando guy, after blowing up an old man with dynamite, (whose wife died sometime in he past) he delivers this beauty - 'say hello to the missus' not great, but enough to make me smile. DON'T SEE IT!
Student Bodies (1981)
Ooo it's sooo good, right? WRONG!
Come on! This movie is garbage. It may be the first of it's kind yada yada, but what difference does that make when it's not funny. There are many other spoofs 100 times better so don't waste your time. I'll tell you why - the same 'jokes' are played over and over and for too long. For example: a telephone that rings for a stupidly long time and also shakes and some guy heavily breathing and making dumb comments about being tired walking up the stairs and whacking off watching girls in the locker room. Yeah OK, he is supposed to be a cliché heavy breathing killer, but it's so played and not funny after 1 minute. The only funny line is when a girl and a guy are gonna get jiggy, the girl asks - 'are you clean?' the guy replies 'no, but you can't wash herpes off anyway'.
Yada Yada Boo Hoo
I am getting slightly tired of these depressing weepy dark movies about someone dying and their ghost wanting revenge. Change the story. It's almost getting as regular as Steven Seagal movies.
Well there were some scary moments and also made me jump a couple of times. But the characters annoyed me because they're always so damn miserable and make no attempt to get themselves out the situation. This is the storyline - a woman is jealous of her friend as she plays the cello better than her (get over it already), then after they have a car crash she is in a position to save her or to let her drop, she let's her drop because of the whole cello thing I'm guessing. So then she has hallucinations and the ghost of her friend basically causes her family members to die, one by one. Then at the end, it goes back in time to just after the crash and they show the start of the movie again. Then the ghost hand goes in her hair and it ends. STUPID.
Don't watch it, there are far better Asian horror flicks to watch.
Shiryô no wana (1988)
Me No Wana Watch This Crap Again!
2 stars is for the gore and the creepy building, THE REST IS PURE TRIPE. I pity the fool that looks at peoples top 10 Asian horrors on the internet and then goes ahead and downloads them and watches them (ME).
Where shall i begin...basic storyline is a bunch of TV presenters go into a bunch of creepy buildings - why? because one of the presenters received a video tape of a journey to the buildings and then it turned into a snuff video and at the end a photo of herself flashed up on the screen. Why else would she want to go there right? WRONG. The characters are beyond dumb and they decide to split up and walk around these abandoned buildings and get killed by some guy in a boiler suite. That's fair enough, but when the last girl has a chance to escape, technically she takes it as she steps out of the gates. but no sooner has she stepped out, she steps back in again. SUPER, i thought. She then finds the guy who's been killing people (turns out to be the guy she previously chatted to/saw LOOMING IN DOORWAYS earlier). He is a fan of hers. Anyway she shoots him, he gives birth to some kind of alien baby named Hiduko or something, although 'Slime' would have been a more appropriate name. The baby tries to kill the lady, but thank God the guy manages to push the baby back in his stomach (even though they're in different rooms) While this is going on, random fireworks keep going off. Then after she's woken up in hospital (HOW DID SHE GET THERE?) she presents a news night episode and then when everyone is gone she has stomach pains, then she gives birth to the alien baby?!?! WTF.
PURE TRASH - please don't watch this, i'm begging you. and yes- i rue the day i believed peoples top 10 horror lists on amazon. it's just another piece of sushi i can do without!