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Real name: Joe Wawrzyniak
Hair: Rapidly receding, but what's still left is dirty blonde & often uncombed
Eyes: Piercing blue. Not exactly Meg Fosterish, but leaning in that striking direction
Favorite hat: Fedora, a man's hat
Favorite shirt: loud Hawaiian shirts, the uglier the better
Favorite pants: Khaki, usually rumpled
Date of birth: June 1st, 1972
Homestate: New Jersey, where both myself and the drive-in were born
Height: 6 feet, 4 inches, very tall
Weight: 215 pounds, really thin
Nicknames: The Woodman, The Woodster,
The Woodmeister, Awesome Anders
Mr. Wood, Woody A, Good Ol' WA, Woods,
Woody Baby (ladies only, please)
Persona: Film nerd and damn proud of it
Voice: Deep, oily, soothing pus ooze late night disc jockey tenor
Favorite song: "Una Paloma Blanca" 2005 remix by George Baker
Motto: "If you wanna be the s**t, you gotta know your s**t. Otherwise, you ain't s**t."
Religion: Godless heathen atheist and proud of it, too
I'm especially fond of horror and exploitation movies. I think the 70's was the best-ever decade for film. Watch a lot of cult movies and drive-in films; the sleazier and/or weirder they are, the more I dig 'em. Enjoy out of the mainstream independent films, rock pics, sci-fi end-of-the-world items and made-for-TV movies as well.
Just to stop my life from being too dull I have a little sideline hobby singing downhome Southern-fried country and western music. I'm the lead singer/songwriter in a funky band called Hillbilly Joe and the Jersey Bumpkins. We're a bunch of s**t-kickin', fiddle-pickin', banjo-pluckin' rowdy rednecks who love to spit, chew, screw and drink Mountain Dew (and I ain't talkin' 'bout the soda). We perform at truckstops, greasy spoons, swap meets, flea markets, seedy honkytonk dives, trailer parks, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and especially church social gatherings every Sunday afternoon. Songs we perform include such good, clean, wholesome family numbers as "Thank God I'm A Country *beep* "On the Floor Again," "I *beep* Your Sister and She's A Lousy Lay," and "The Wife Beating Song." The latter charming ditty I wrote in fifteen minutes at the tail end of a severe weekend whiskey bender. The lyrics are as follows:
I punch the dawg
I kick the cat
I beat the wife
With a bat
She called the cops
I'm in jail
Spendin' the night
Can't pay bail
While I'm here
I really hope
My hairy cellmate Bubba
Don't drop the soap
Now, isn't that a truly special song just ripe to bursting with wit, warmth, tasteful humor and a teeming surplus of poignant heartfelt humanity? Your darn totin' it sure is. Keep watching "American Idol" because I'm gonna be on it any day now.
I also act in hard-core porno films under the alias IGiveYouMyWood. Among the hard-core movies I've starred in are "Layin' the Ladies," "Stickin' It to Your Sister," "Lovin' My Cousin" (a Hillbilly Joe favorite), and the sentimental yuletide classic "Santa's Special Sausage." All these films and many more can be ordered from the following website: www.getmywood.com.
Moreover, I'm a shameless hack writer who does numerous film reviews and articles for such underground publications as "Vex," "Cult Movies" (my article on Bigfoot films was nominated for a Rondo Award in 2003, but alas I didn't win), "The Exploitation Journal," "Screem," and "Shock Cinema." I also write album reviews for a local Garden State rock zine called "Jersey Beat."
I average at one film comment a day on the IMDb and even write snappy little bios on such lesser known actors and actresses as Vic Diaz, Victor Israel, Joy Bang, Michael Ironside, Michelle Stacy, James Whitworth, Frances Raines, Roberta Collins, Rick Dean, Candice Rialson, Monica Gayle, Harley Cross, Bill Thurman, Michael Sopkiw, Nicholas Worth, Jennifer Ashley, Sondra Currie, Bruno VeSota, Sharon Kelly, Tim Thomerson, Tony Musante, Lina Romay, Pamela Franklin, Kelli Maroney, Jewel Shepard, Starr Andreeff, and Patty Shepard. I've also written bios for such directors as Richard Compton (R.I.P.), my good friend Keith Crocker, William Lustig, Jeff Lieberman, Jeff Burr, Fred Dekker, Kevin S. Tenney, Lewis Teague, Jack Arnold, Lee Frost, Don Edmonds, and Gary Sherman. In a pitiful attempt at displaying range and versatility, I've whipped up bios for longtime favorite singer/songwriters Kim Carnes, Carol Connors, Jackie DeShannon, John Prine, Joe South and Tony Joe White, country singers Dave Dudley and Eddie Rabbitt, blues singer/guitarist T-Model Ford, rock'n'roll guitarists Davie Allan and Link Wray, and crime novelist Charles Willeford. In fact, I have over 1,000 mini-bios posted all over the IMDb and am currently listed as #3 in the IMDb statistics top twenty list of writers on mini-bios. Plus I add pieces of trivia and quotes for folks all over the IMDb (one of the folks I've added several quotes for is none other than Fred Astaire!). Hell, I even add magazine interviews, pictorials and cover photos, too. And TV commercials, too. I'm not a prolific writer; I'm just a guy who writes a lot.
I would love to hear from film fans the world over. I hope you enjoy my writing and comments.
I own more DVDs than I care to list and have seen more movies than I would care to admit to. I average three or fours DVDs a week, so my collection gets bigger and bigger all the time. Before you ask, I store my DVDs in a very large basement. I also store the bodies of stray drifters I pick on the way home from work in my basement as well. Wait a minute; forget that last sentence. I actually eat as much of the bodies as I can (thus saving money on food so I can buy more DVDs) and burn what I can't eat in my incinerator (thus saving money on heating as well). When in Jersey be sure to stop by my house. I'd be glad to have you over for diner. However, you wouldn't be a guest in my house; you would be the main course instead. Cheers!
The Candidate (1964)
Very good political satire
Ambitious politician Frank Carlton (a fine and credible performance by Ted Knight) decides to run for a senatorial seat in Washington. Carlton puts his political career in serious jeopardy after he becomes involved with English immigrant Angela Wallace (slyly played by buxom eyeful June Wilkinson). Meanwhile, Carlton's slick and unscrupulous campaign manager Buddy Parker (a winningly sharp portrayal by Eric Mason) has a risky fling of his own with brassy dame Christine Ashley (Mamie Van Doren in peak sexy'n'sassy form).
Director Robert Angus keeps the engrossing story moving along at a quick pace and handles the bold material with commendable forthrightness. The brave script by Quentin Vale and Joyce Ann Miller pokes courageous fun at the artifice, corruption, and behind the scenes power plays existent in modern politics while also tackling such racy subject matter as abortion and stag movies (okay, so this kind of thing might seem tame today, but back in the 1960's it took real guts to present this stuff in a film with a serious political bent to it). Moreover, it's well acted by a sturdy cast, with especially stand-out contributions from Robin Raymond as feisty defense attorney Rogers and William Long Jr. as relentless prosecuting attorney Fallon. Stanley Cortez's stark black and white cinematography gives this picture a pleasing crisp look. Steve Karmen's groovy lounge score hits the hip'n'happening spot. Worth a watch.
Devil's Den (2006)
Hugely enjoyable horror comedy
Bumbling would-be drug smuggler Quinn (a fine and engaging performance by Devon Sawa) and his pal Nick (an amiable portrayal by Steven Schub) stop off at a remote gentleman's club in the middle of nowhere that turns out to be a front for a horde of ferocious flesh-eating stripper ghouls.
Director Jeff Burr relates the entertaining story at a snappy pace, stages the rousing action set pieces with rip-roaring brio, maintains a steady and satisfying balance of horror and humor, and delivers a handy helping of gore. While derivative of both "Vamp" and "From Dusk Till Dawn," Mitch Gould's clever script nonetheless compensates for the lack of an original plot with lots of choice witty dialogue, likable main characters who are drawn with more depth than usual, a cool tribute to legendary blind swordsman Zatoichi, and a wickedly amusing sense of playful dark humor. Moreover, it's acted with infectious zest by an able and enthusiastic cast: The always dependable Ken Foree excels as rugged samurai monster slayer Leonard, Kelly Hu also impresses as bitchy two-fisted assassin Caitlin, Karen Maxwell exudes considerable daffy charm as ditsy waitress Candy, and Dawn Oliviera positively smolders as alluring star dancer Jezebel. Viorel Sergovici's slick cinematography provides a neat polished look. A fun Grade B fright flick.
Neat creature feature
Vengeful and obsessed billionaire Bill Hanson (a solid performance by Mike Gaglio) enlists a team of mercenaries to capture a ferocious reptilian humanoid beast (Matt Easton in a funky rubber suit) so he can prove its existence to an unbelieving world. Things go awry when the monster breaks loose at a press conference and goes on a rampage in Los Angeles.
Director Peter Dang, working from a compact script by Francis Abbey and Steven Goldenberg, keeps the enjoyable story moving along at a quick pace, handles the premise with admirable seriousness and a refreshing dearth of pretense, and stages the savage attack scenes with flair (however, the use of painfully cruddy and obvious CGI blood does blunt the overall impact of said attack scenes). Moreover, the plot offers some inspired tweaking of basic genre conventions, with the lizard man emerging as a victim of such basic human vices as greed and revenge. The sound acting by the capable cast keeps this picture on track, with especially praiseworthy contributions from James Lewis as rugged and honorable soldier of fortune Mark Turnball, Michael Harding as evil and amoral opportunistic jerk Professor Reeves, Steven M. Blasini as pragmatic scientist Carl Harris, Sherri Box as the equally sensible Dr. Sylvia Jenkins, and Tammy Klein as tough mercenary Vicky. Jim Wynorski pops up in a cool cameo as a reporter while porn starlet Angie Savage gets assaulted by the lizard man while swimming in a pool. Chuck Cirio's spirited shuddery score hits the stirring spot. A really fun flick.
Belker (Bruce Weitz in first-rate growly form) goes undercover at a pawn shop. LaRue (an excellent Kiel Martin) and Washington (a fine Taureen Blacque) have trouble getting an autopsy report from overworked coroner Wally Nydorf (ably played with rip-snorting irascible brio by Pat Worley). Chief Daniels (a supremely smarmy Jon Cypher) makes Furillo (Daniel J. Travanti, splendid as ever) open an investigation on the kidnapping of the governor's dog.
Director Gregory Hoblit keeps the involving story moving along at a brisk pace and maintains a generally serious tone throughout. The whole plot about the missing canine perfectly illustrates the everyday absurdities that Furillo and the rest of the department on Hill Street are forced to contend with on a regular basis while the business with the coroner makes a valid point on how hard and stressful it can be for city workers who aren't given enough fiscal and personal support from their superiors. Nick Savage has a hilarious bit as the pickpocket, who this time tells Belker that his name is Curtis Interuptus. Ken Foree shines as angry murder suspect Bubba Edwards. Moreover, there are sound guest contributions from Charles Levin as eager snitch Eddie Gregg, David Caruso as hotheaded Irish gang leader Tommy Mann, Tinidad Silva as smartalec Martinez, and Helen Shaver as the hot to trot Theresa.
River of Death (1989)
Passable action/adventure yarn
Rugged adventurer John Hamilton (a solid and likable performance by Michael Dudikoff) gets hired by a team of shady folks with assorted secret agendas to find a fabled lost city located in the Amazon. Things go awry when the search party stumbles across evil Nazi scientist Dr. Wolfgang Manteuffel (a nicely sinister portrayal by Robert Vaughn).
Adequately directed in workmanlike fashion by the usually more competent and on the money Steve Carver (whose other much better films include "Big Bad Mama," "The Arena," "An Eye for an Eye," and "Lone Wolf McQuade"), with an often sluggish pace, an overly convoluted script by Andrew Deutsch and Edward Sampson that gets bogged down in rather tedious talk, and infrequent, but still decently staged action scenes, this one has all the essential ingredients -- Nazis, a band of scurvy pirates, a tribe of deadly cannibals, plenty of treacherous back-stabbing characters, and a few okay plot twists -- to qualify as a possible contender, but alas the fairly tepid execution fails to make all these promising elements cohere into an exciting and satisfying whole. Fortunately, a fine supporting cast of reliable veteran thespians ensures that this picture remains watchable: Donald Pleasence as the shifty Heinrich Spaatz, Herbert Lom as the corrupt Colonel Ricardo Diaz, and L.Q. Jones as grizzled old rascal Eddie Hiller. Moreover, there's yummy distaff eye candy in the fetching forms of Sarah Maur Thorp as the sweet Anna Blakesley, Cynthia Erland as Spaatz's sexy secretary Maria, and Foziah Davidson as the tough Dalia. Both Avraham Karpick's slick cinematography and Sasha Matson's moody score are up to par. An acceptable diversion.
Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)
Gut-busting Grade Z horror splatter trash
A giant mutant weasel terrorizes a small town in Long Island. Mad scientist Dr. Sendam wants to use the weasel's regenerative blood in order to achieve immortality while an intrepid government agent tracks down the foul flesh-eating beast.
Man, does this uproariously awful atrocity possess as the right wrong stuff to qualify as a real four-star stinkeroonie: We've got hopelessly ham-fisted (mis)direction by Nathan Schiff (who also wrote the nonsensical script), a slapdash narrative that plods along at a poky pace, lovably lousy (far from) special effects (the weasel puppet in particular looks uproariously fake), rank amateurish acting from a lame no-name cast sporting heavy upstate New York accents, oodles of cheesy over-the-top gore, ineptly staged monster attack set pieces, a cornball film library score, and ratty cinematography. Sure, this one is pure micro-budget schlock, but it nonetheless possesses a certain endearingly cruddy ramshackle charm that's impossible to either resist or dislike. An absolute hoot and a half!
Fast Cars Fast Women (1981)
Nice early 80's porn that's given a big lift by the smoldering presence of Kay Parker
No-nonsense sponsor Molly (a winningly feisty performance by the ravishing Kay Parker) refuses to knuckle under to a bunch of sleazy mobsters who are attacking both her female drivers and their friends.
Writer/director Scott McHaley keeps the enjoyable and engrossing story moving along at a steady pace, makes neat use of the racetrack main locations, adds a few amusing touches of engaging lowbrow humor, and even tosses in some exciting rough'n'tumble fisticuffs for good measure. The solid cast holds this picture together: fetching brunette Carolyn Jackson as the sweet Casey, Kevin James as likable mechanic John, Al Chiurrizzi as evil scuzzball Orson, Ron Jeremy as Orson's mean flunky Dutch, foxy platinum blonde Sylvia Benedict as the sassy Kristy, and Rocky Balboa as hunky pit boss Doug. William Margold has a funny bit as a smarmy track manager. The sex scenes are pretty hot and explicit, with a steamy shower between Parker and Jackson rating as the definite arousing highlight. Best of all, Parker really shines in a juicy lead role: She has quite a commanding screen presence and one hell of a yummy robust figure complete with simply amazing enormous natural breasts. Pablo Lepell's sharp cinematography provides an attractive bright look. Sy Jameson's funky score hits the right-on happening spot. Worth a watch for both Kay Parker fans and Golden Age era adult cinema aficionados alike.
Bates (an excellent Betty Thomas) tries to help out Cindy (a heartbreaking performance by Dominique Dunne), a troubled teenager who's afraid she might start hitting her baby just like her mother hits her. Councilman Detweiler (a marvelously oily Michael Fairman) threatens to use information on corrupt narc Mizell to thwart Chief Daniels' (a perfectly smarmy Jon Cypher) plans to run for mayor, so Furillo (Daniel J. Travanti, splendid as ever) advises Daniels to beat Detweiler to the punch by releasing said dirt on Mizell to the public. Meanwhile, Hill (likable Michael Warren) has his boil lanced, Renko (robustly played by Charles Haid) wins a turkey in a raffle, and Hunter (a pleasingly loopy James Sikking) clashes with his girlfriend Linda (a sound portrayal by Kathleen Lloyd) over her religious beliefs.
Director Bob Kelljan, working from a compelling script by Mark Frost, keeps the absorbing story moving at a swift pace and maintains a generally serious tone throughout. Hill's problem with his boil provides a few laughs while the whitewashing of Mizell's shameful past at his funeral service offers some neat insights into how people try to sugarcoat bitter pills in order to make them easier to swallow. However, it's the story about Cindy which makes the most potent and poignant punch here, as Dominique Dunne was tragically murdered by her abusive boyfriend before this episode was even aired (it's dedicated at the start to her memory).
Starship Eros (1980)
Nifty early 80's sci-fi porn quickie
1995. The all-female crew on board the Starship Eros get it on with each other when they aren't taking advantage of the virile services of their male robot servant Quasar (hardcore stud Mike Ranger wearing a shoddy C3PO mask).
Writer/director Scott McHaley keeps the slight, yet still enjoyable story moving along at a snappy pace, makes the most out of the novel science fiction angle, and tops everything off with an amusing sense of blithely raunchy humor. The special effects are pretty good considering the modest budget. Better still, the gals are smoking hot: Buxom brunette Lily Rogers burns up the screen as the horny Commander Venus, the luscious Becky Savage likewise seriously sizzles as the equally lascivious Captain Christine Moon, and the adorable Beth Evans knocks the cuteness meter off the scales as the sweet Beth. Pablo Lepell's crisp cinematography gives this picture an attractive bright look. The funky synthesizer score hits the way groovy spot. The tight 67 minute running time ensures that this movie never gets dull or overstays its welcome. A fun romp.
L'ultimo cacciatore (1980)
The Vietnam war, Italian exploitation style
Cynical Captain Henry Morris (well played with mucho macho aplomb by David Warbeck) takes an assignment to go behind enemy lines in order to destroy a Viet Cong radio tower that's broadcasting demoralizing anti-American propaganda to US troops. Photojournalist Jane (an appealing portrayal by the fetching Tisa Farrow) and a motley squad of soldiers assist Morris on his desperate mission.
Director Antonio Margheriti keeps the entertaining story moving along at a constant quick pace, maintains a harsh gritty tone throughout, delivers a handy helping of gory violence, and stages the rousing action set pieces with considerable skill and brio. Moreover, this film earns extra points for its fierce anti-war stance which comes complete with an uncompromising downbeat ending. The excellent cast of familiar Italian trash cinema faces helps a whole lot: Tony King as the smooth George, Bobby Rhodes as the rugged Carlos, Margit Evelyn Newton as the bitter Carol, and, in an especially bravura turn, John Steiner as the unhinged Major Cash. Dardano Sacchetti's derivative script copies both "The Deer Hunter" and "Apocalypse Now" with merry slavish abandon. Franco Micalizzi's funky-throbbing score hits the get-down groovy spot. Ricardo Pallottini's slick widescreen cinematography provides an impressive glossy look. Good low-rent fun.