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Real name: Joe Wawrzyniak
Hair: Rapidly receding, but what's still left is dirty blonde & often uncombed
Eyes: Piercing blue. Not exactly Meg Fosterish, but leaning in that striking direction
Favorite hat: Fedora, a man's hat
Favorite shirt: loud Hawaiian shirts, the uglier the better
Favorite pants: Khaki, usually rumpled
Date of birth: June 1st, 1972
Homestate: New Jersey, where both myself and the drive-in were born
Height: 6 feet, 2 inches, very tall
Weight: 183 pounds, really thin
Nicknames: The Woodman, The Woodster,
The Woodmeister, Awesome Anders
Mr. Wood, Woody A, Good Ol' WA, Woods,
Woody Baby (ladies only, please)
Persona: Film nerd and damn proud of it
Voice: Deep, oily, soothing pus ooze late night disc jockey tenor
Favorite song: "Una Paloma Blanca" 2005 remix by George Baker
Motto: "If you wanna be the s**t, you gotta know your s**t. Otherwise, you ain't s**t."
Religion: Godless heathen atheist and proud of it, too
I'm especially fond of horror and exploitation movies. I think the 70's was the best-ever decade for film. Watch a lot of cult movies and drive-in films; the sleazier and/or weirder they are, the more I dig 'em. Enjoy out of the mainstream independent films, rock pics, sci-fi end-of-the-world items and made-for-TV movies as well.
Just to stop my life from being too dull I have a little sideline hobby singing downhome Southern-fried country and western music. I'm the lead singer/songwriter in a funky band called Hillbilly Joe and the Jersey Bumpkins. We're a bunch of s**t-kickin', fiddle-pickin', banjo-pluckin' rowdy rednecks who love to spit, chew, screw and drink Mountain Dew (and I ain't talkin' 'bout the soda). We perform at truckstops, greasy spoons, swap meets, flea markets, seedy honkytonk dives, trailer parks, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and especially church social gatherings every Sunday afternoon. Songs we perform include such good, clean, wholesome family numbers as "Thank God I'm A Country *beep* "On the Floor Again," "I *beep* Your Sister and She's A Lousy Lay," and "The Wife Beating Song." The latter charming ditty I wrote in fifteen minutes at the tail end of a severe weekend whiskey bender. The lyrics are as follows:
I punch the dawg
I kick the cat
I beat the wife
With a bat
She called the cops
I'm in jail
Spendin' the night
Can't pay bail
While I'm here
I really hope
My hairy cellmate Bubba
Don't drop the soap
Now, isn't that a truly special song just ripe to bursting with wit, warmth, tasteful humor and a teeming surplus of poignant heartfelt humanity? Your darn totin' it sure is. Keep watching "American Idol" because I'm gonna be on it any day now.
I also act in hard-core porno films under the alias IGiveYouMyWood. Among the hard-core movies I've starred in are "Layin' the Ladies," "Stickin' It to Your Sister," "Lovin' My Cousin" (a Hillbilly Joe favorite), and the sentimental yuletide classic "Santa's Special Sausage." All these films and many more can be ordered from the following website: www.getmywood.com.
Moreover, I'm a shameless hack writer who does numerous film reviews and articles for such underground publications as "Vex," "Cult Movies" (my article on Bigfoot films was nominated for a Rondo Award in 2003, but alas I didn't win), "The Exploitation Journal," "Screem," and "Shock Cinema." I also write album reviews for a local Garden State rock zine called "Jersey Beat."
I average at one film comment a day on the IMDb and even write snappy little bios on such lesser known actors and actresses as Vic Diaz, Victor Israel, Joy Bang, Michael Ironside, Michelle Stacy, James Whitworth, Frances Raines, Roberta Collins, Rick Dean, Candice Rialson, Monica Gayle, Harley Cross, Bill Thurman, Michael Sopkiw, Nicholas Worth, Jennifer Ashley, Sondra Currie, Bruno VeSota, Sharon Kelly, Tim Thomerson, Tony Musante, Lina Romay, Pamela Franklin, Kelli Maroney, Jewel Shepard, Starr Andreeff, and Patty Shepard. I've also written bios for such directors as Richard Compton (R.I.P.), my good friend Keith Crocker, William Lustig, Jeff Lieberman, Jeff Burr, Fred Dekker, Kevin S. Tenney, Lewis Teague, Jack Arnold, Lee Frost, Don Edmonds, and Gary Sherman. In a pitiful attempt at displaying range and versatility, I've whipped up bios for longtime favorite singer/songwriters Kim Carnes, Carol Connors, Jackie DeShannon, John Prine, Joe South and Tony Joe White, country singers Dave Dudley and Eddie Rabbitt, blues singer/guitarist T-Model Ford, rock'n'roll guitarists Davie Allan and Link Wray, and crime novelist Charles Willeford. In fact, I have over 1,000 mini-bios posted all over the IMDb and am currently listed as #3 in the IMDb statistics top twenty list of writers on mini-bios. Plus I add pieces of trivia and quotes for folks all over the IMDb (one of the folks I've added several quotes for is none other than Fred Astaire!). Hell, I even add magazine interviews, pictorials and cover photos, too. And TV commercials, too. I'm not a prolific writer; I'm just a guy who writes a lot.
I would love to hear from film fans the world over. I hope you enjoy my writing and comments.
I own more DVDs than I care to list and have seen more movies than I would care to admit to. I average three or fours DVDs a week, so my collection gets bigger and bigger all the time. Before you ask, I store my DVDs in a very large basement. I also store the bodies of stray drifters I pick on the way home from work in my basement as well. Wait a minute; forget that last sentence. I actually eat as much of the bodies as I can (thus saving money on food so I can buy more DVDs) and burn what I can't eat in my incinerator (thus saving money on heating as well). When in Jersey be sure to stop by my house. I'd be glad to have you over for diner. However, you wouldn't be a guest in my house; you would be the main course instead. Cheers!
He qi dao (1972)
Worthy chopsocky outing
Korea, 1934. Three top martial arts school students -- shrewd Kao Yu Ying (Angela Mao, everyone's favorite petite firebrand), sensible Kao Chang (charming Carter Wong), and impetuous Fan Wei (liable Sammo Hung) -- move to China to start their own school. They face opposition from a rival Japanese school. Director Feng Huang, working from a compact script by Yan Ho, relates the enjoyable story at a swift pace, maintains a generally serious tone with a few amusing moments of humor, and stages the abundant kung-fu fights with stirring aplomb. Moreover, the plot neatly explores the themes of patience, courtesy, and standing up for the weak and oppressed. The three protagonists are very engaging, with Mao in particular once again in strong and assertive form as she takes on and defeats a school full of guys (she even beats one dude up with her pigtails!). The Japanese villains are quite arrogant and obnoxious. Yu-tang Li's crisp and lively widescreen cinematography rates as another definite asset. A cool little item.
A Lonely Place to Die (2011)
Riveting and suspenseful thriller
A group of mountain climbers led by the tough Alison (an excellent and convincing performance by Melissa George) discover a little girl named Anna (a fine portrayal by Holly Boyd) buried in the ground in the Scottish Highlands. It turns out that the girl was abducted. The group find themselves being pursued by the two kidnappers while a band of mercenaries hired by the girl's war criminal father show up to retrieve her. Director Julian Gilbey, who also co-wrote the script with William Gilbey, relates the gripping story at a brisk pace, builds plenty of gut-wrenching tension, maintains a hard gritty tone throughout, and offers a frighteningly vivid evocation of the danger of the wide open wildness (the mountain climbing scenes in particular are genuinely harrowing). The remote sylvan setting projects a strong and unsettling feeling of isolation and vulnerability. The sound acting by the able cast keeps the movie humming: Ed Speleers as brash novice Ed, Alec Newman as the rugged Rob, Kate Magowan as the sassy Jenny, Garry Sweeney as the cowardly Alex, Eamonn Walker as hard-nosed mercenary Andy, and Karel Roden as the pragmatic Darko. Moreover, this film further benefits form truly chilling contributions from Sean Harris as the merciless Mr. Kidd and Stephen McCole as the equally ruthless Mr. Mcrae. The outbursts of brutal violence pack a ferocious punch. Ali Asad's breathtaking cinematography boasts lots of stunning shots of the desolate Scottish forest landscape. Michael Richard Plowman's heart-pounding score does the pulse-quickening trick. A real nail-biter.
Tie zhang xuan feng tui (1972)
Angela Mao rules!
Tien (Angela Mao, as fierce and magnetic as ever) arrives in town to exact revenge on Ling (a solid and likable performance by Yi Chang) for abandoning her pregnant sister and thus driving said sister to commit suicide. Although Tien agrees to help Ling take down the leader of a local gambling syndicate, she nonetheless still plans to avenge her sister's death which she holds Ling responsible for. Director Feng Huang, working from a taut and compelling script by Yi-chung Hua, relates the absorbing story at a quick pace and stages the rousing rough'n'tumble fights with brutal'n'bloody brio. Naturally, Mao handles her martial arts fights with characteristic poise and agility as she mixes it up with a bunch of guys all at once. Sammo Hung plays a sniveling thug who Mao beats the living snot out of. Moreover, the strong theme about honor and revenge along with a surprising element of compassion gives this picture additional depth and substance, with an especially unexpected, yet still satisfying conclusion. Joseph Koo's spirited score and Yu-tang Li's dynamic cinematography are both up to par. Recommended viewing for Mao fans.
Nifty early 70's drug deal opus
Laid-back Harvard law student Peter (a fine and engaging performance by Robert F. Lyons) works as a drug courier for quirky marijuana dealer John (smoothly played by John Lithgow in his film debut). Peter meets and falls for uninhibited hippie chick Susan (Barbara Hershey at her most radiant and charming) while making a dope run. Things get sticky after Susan gets busted by crooked narc Murphy (Charles Durning in splendidly slimy form). Director Paul Williams, who also co-wrote the flip script with David Odell, astutely captures the carefree and blithely amoral vibe of the early 70's drug counterculture; there's a neat anti-establishment bent to this picture, with dope pushers shown in a sympathetic light and the police depicted as evil and corrupt. Moreover, Williams not only also vividly nails the nervy thrill of breaking the law and getting away with it, but also tosses in a sweet love story for good measure. Joy Bang lends sturdy support as John's no-nonsense girlfriend Sandra. Popping up in quick bits are Paul Sorvino as a taxi driver and Victor Argo as a Cuban mobster. Michael Small's mellow bluesy score hits the get-down groovy spot. Edward R. Brown's handsome widescreen cinematography provides a pleasing glossy look. As a yummy plus, the delectable Mrs. Hershey bares her gorgeous body. Further enhanced by a choice rock soundtrack and a winningly irreverent sense of humor, it's a funky gas.
Enjoyable sci-fi action thriller
In the near future, fear of terrorism has escalated to the point where privacy has become a thing of the past. Everyone is under constant surveillance from mobile robotic cameras known as "Eyeborgs." Federal agent Robert J. 'Gunner' Reynolds (an excellent performance by Adrian Paul) uncovers a sinister conspiracy plot concerning the Eyeborgs while investigating a series of bizarre deaths. Director Richard Clabaugh, who also co-wrote the clever script with Fran Clabaugh, relates the enthralling and entertaining story at a brisk pace, does a sound job of crafting a nicely paranoid atmosphere, and stages the exciting action set pieces with real aplomb. Moreover, the provocative central theme about the inherent danger of mankind's over-reliance on technology and how if said technology gets out of hand it could wind up controlling us instead of the other way gives this film extra substance. The solid acting by the capable cast rates as another major asset, with especially praiseworthy work by Megan Blake as pesky reporter Barbara Hawkins, Luke Ebert as brash punk Jarrett Hewes, John S. Rushton as Reynolds' skeptical partner Agent Bradley, and Juan-Carlos Guzman as easygoing cameraman Erik. Danny Trejo has a small, but cool role as irascible guitar maker G-Man. The CGI robots look pretty funky (and they make these mean'n'snarly growling noises!). Kenneth Wilson II's glossy widescreen cinematography provides a pleasing polished look. A neat little B-flick.
Tai quan zhen jiu zhou (1973)
Typically sturdy Golden Harvest martial arts actioner
The leader of a small resistance movement attempts to get information to sympathizers in China during the Japanese occupation of Korea in the 1930's. Writer/director Feng Huang relates the absorbing and exciting story at a snappy pace, maintains a serious tone throughout, and stages the wall-to-wall chopsocky fights with rousing rough'n'ready gusto. The top-rate cast of ace martial artists keeps this movie humming: The ever-awesome Angela Mao takes on a bunch of guys and displays her customary beautifully balletic grace, the lithe'n'lethal Jhoon Rhee totally tears it up, Carter Wong busts booty with his usual savage brio, Anne Winton likewise impresses as the feisty Mary, and Sammo Hung even pops up as a vicious lackey who gets trounced by Mao. The strong politically charged plot and an underlying theme on loyalty along with the exceptional fight choreography all ensure that this picture packs a considerable wallop. The villains are quite mean and hateful: They not only torture a priest, but also kill an old lady! Yu-tang Li's crisp widescreen cinematography makes exciting use of a frequently moving camera. Tsao Hua Li's robust score hits the stirring spot. Well worth a watch.
Various sexy young ladies clad in skimpy outfits compete against each other in the ring for the Lingerie Fighting Championship. Sounds like a real fun and enjoyable can't miss premise, right? Well, alas, this one fizzles due to writer/director Shaun Donnelly's inability to bring even the slightest bit of credibility to the outrageous premise: It's painfully obvious from the start that the assorted fights, interviews, and backstage dramas are all staged and contrived to the patently artificial ninth degree, with the painfully blatant use of a green screen crowd of spectators for the big matches serving as the most flagrant example of just how phony and hollow this whole enterprise is. While the gals are undeniably hot (statuesque redhead league owner Roni Taylor in particular is a total stunner), they sadly don't possess much in the way of either charisma or distinctive personalities. Worst of all, the macho jerk comic relief character of inept former wrestler turned trainer Arik Loegen wears out his welcome super fast; the running gag about this obnoxious musclehead dude always asking for a high five quite simply isn't funny or witty at all. This mock doc might have worked if it was remotely convincing to some modest degree, but unfortunately it isn't even slightly believable for a minute. Tiresome stuff.
Sturdy dramatic martial arts film
The head of a Chinese martial arts school owes a substantial sum of money to some local thugs, so he sends two students to Bangkok, Thailand to participate in a kickboxing tournament in order to raise the necessary cash to pay off the debt. After one student gets injured and the other killed, the head of the school gets kicked out of the Chinese Martial Arts Association and becomes so ashamed that he commits suicide. It's up to the man's feisty daughter (an excellent and appealing performance by Angela Mao) and her brother (solid Carter Wong) to not only avenge their father's death, but also to restore the honor of their disgraced school.
Director Feng Huang relates the absorbing story at a steady pace and maintains an appropriately serious tone throughout. Moreover, the main characters are drawn with considerable depth, thereby giving the plot a surprisingly ample amount of both poignancy and resonance as the thoughtful screenplay explores the weighty themes of pride, honor, and the need to keep abreast of innovative new martial arts techniques. As to be expected, Mao brings plenty of fiery pluck to her role and displays her customary graceful agility in her fights, with the definite rousing highlights being when she clobbers a huffy jerk played by Sammo Hung and the ferocious climatic kickboxing match in which Mao lays a heavy beating on her male opponent. Recommended viewing for Angela Mao fans.
Hugely enjoyable crime action martial arts opus
Rugged Australian cop Stoner (smoothly essayed with considerable two-fisted macho swagger by George Lazenby) goes to Hong Kong to put the fix on evil billionaire Mr. Chin (a pleasingly ruthless portrayal by Joji Takagi), who runs a drug ring that has created a powerful and addictive aphrodisiac new drug which makes women extra horny. Shrewd undercover Taiwanese officer Angela Li Shou-Hua (Angela Mao-Ying in fine fierce'n'feisty form) helps Stoner out. Director Feng Huang, who also co-wrote the wild script with Kuang Ni, relates the outrageous premise at a swift pace, maintains a blithely lurid tone throughout, and stages the plentiful rough'n'tumble fights with rip-roaring aplomb. Lazenby might not be the most adept martial artist, but what he lacks in fluidness and agility he compensates for in sheer brute force. Naturally, Angela as usual pulls off her fights with trademark beautifully balletic grace and breathtaking precision. Sultry Betty Ting Pei makes for a wickedly enticing femme fatale as Chin's main hench wench Agnes. Sammo Hung has a sizable secondary part as a chubby lackey who Lazenby beats the living snot out of. The smattering of tasty female nudity adds a nice dash of sizzling sleaze while such gnarly locations as a seedy nightclub and a dangerous back alley provide a tangy exotic flavor. Yu-tang Li's splashy widescreen cinematography gives the picture a heady psychedelic vibe thanks to all those gaudy loud colors. The funky-chillin' score by Tony Orchez and Tsao Hua Lai hits the get-down groovy spot. A really fun flick.
Goof on the Loose (1964)
Enjoyable comedic short
A goofy guy (vibrantly played with impressive agility by Bert Leu Van) and a drunkard (an equally lively portrayal by Rick Dennis) wreak all kinds of wild'n'wacky havoc in a small town. Writer/director Ray Dennis Steckler displays a positively infectious affection for such silent movie pioneers as Buster Keaton and the Keystone Cops in this amusing and energetic short which further benefits from a sweet screwball charm, zany sound effects (there's no dialogue), sharp black and white cinematography by Ron McManus, and a dynamic swinging score by Libby Quinn and Andre Brummer. Moreover, we also get a funny nod to Psycho, the gorgeous Carolyn Brandt totally rockin' a one piece swimsuit, and a guy in a Frankenstein monster's mask. Technically well made, this complete hoot offers proof positive that Steckler was a much more capable filmmaker than he's usually given credit for being.