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Real name: Joe Wawrzyniak
Hair: Rapidly receding, but what's still left is dirty blonde & often uncombed
Eyes: Piercing blue. Not exactly Meg Fosterish, but leaning in that striking direction
Favorite hat: Fedora, a man's hat
Favorite shirt: loud Hawaiian shirts, the uglier the better
Favorite pants: Khaki, usually rumpled
Date of birth: June 1st, 1972
Homestate: New Jersey, where both myself and the drive-in were born
Height: 6 feet, 4 inches, very tall
Weight: 215 pounds, really thin
Nicknames: The Woodman, The Woodster,
The Woodmeister, Awesome Anders
Mr. Wood, Woody A, Good Ol' WA, Woods,
Woody Baby (ladies only, please)
Persona: Film nerd and damn proud of it
Voice: Deep, oily, soothing pus ooze late night disc jockey tenor
Favorite song: "Una Paloma Blanca" 2005 remix by George Baker
Motto: "If you wanna be the s**t, you gotta know your s**t. Otherwise, you ain't s**t."
Religion: Godless heathen atheist and proud of it, too
I'm especially fond of horror and exploitation movies. I think the 70's was the best-ever decade for film. Watch a lot of cult movies and drive-in films; the sleazier and/or weirder they are, the more I dig 'em. Enjoy out of the mainstream independent films, rock pics, sci-fi end-of-the-world items and made-for-TV movies as well.
Just to stop my life from being too dull I have a little sideline hobby singing downhome Southern-fried country and western music. I'm the lead singer/songwriter in a funky band called Hillbilly Joe and the Jersey Bumpkins. We're a bunch of s**t-kickin', fiddle-pickin', banjo-pluckin' rowdy rednecks who love to spit, chew, screw and drink Mountain Dew (and I ain't talkin' 'bout the soda). We perform at truckstops, greasy spoons, swap meets, flea markets, seedy honkytonk dives, trailer parks, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and especially church social gatherings every Sunday afternoon. Songs we perform include such good, clean, wholesome family numbers as "Thank God I'm A Country *beep* "On the Floor Again," "I *beep* Your Sister and She's A Lousy Lay," and "The Wife Beating Song." The latter charming ditty I wrote in fifteen minutes at the tail end of a severe weekend whiskey bender. The lyrics are as follows:
I punch the dawg
I kick the cat
I beat the wife
With a bat
She called the cops
I'm in jail
Spendin' the night
Can't pay bail
While I'm here
I really hope
My hairy cellmate Bubba
Don't drop the soap
Now, isn't that a truly special song just ripe to bursting with wit, warmth, tasteful humor and a teeming surplus of poignant heartfelt humanity? Your darn totin' it sure is. Keep watching "American Idol" because I'm gonna be on it any day now.
I also act in hard-core porno films under the alias IGiveYouMyWood. Among the hard-core movies I've starred in are "Layin' the Ladies," "Stickin' It to Your Sister," "Lovin' My Cousin" (a Hillbilly Joe favorite), and the sentimental yuletide classic "Santa's Special Sausage." All these films and many more can be ordered from the following website: www.getmywood.com.
Moreover, I'm a shameless hack writer who does numerous film reviews and articles for such underground publications as "Vex," "Cult Movies" (my article on Bigfoot films was nominated for a Rondo Award in 2003, but alas I didn't win), "The Exploitation Journal," "Screem," and "Shock Cinema." I also write album reviews for a local Garden State rock zine called "Jersey Beat."
I average at one film comment a day on the IMDb and even write snappy little bios on such lesser known actors and actresses as Vic Diaz, Victor Israel, Joy Bang, Michael Ironside, Michelle Stacy, James Whitworth, Frances Raines, Roberta Collins, Rick Dean, Candice Rialson, Monica Gayle, Harley Cross, Bill Thurman, Michael Sopkiw, Nicholas Worth, Jennifer Ashley, Sondra Currie, Bruno VeSota, Sharon Kelly, Tim Thomerson, Tony Musante, Lina Romay, Pamela Franklin, Kelli Maroney, Jewel Shepard, Starr Andreeff, and Patty Shepard. I've also written bios for such directors as Richard Compton (R.I.P.), my good friend Keith Crocker, William Lustig, Jeff Lieberman, Jeff Burr, Fred Dekker, Kevin S. Tenney, Lewis Teague, Jack Arnold, Lee Frost, Don Edmonds, and Gary Sherman. In a pitiful attempt at displaying range and versatility, I've whipped up bios for longtime favorite singer/songwriters Kim Carnes, Carol Connors, Jackie DeShannon, John Prine, Joe South and Tony Joe White, country singers Dave Dudley and Eddie Rabbitt, blues singer/guitarist T-Model Ford, rock'n'roll guitarists Davie Allan and Link Wray, and crime novelist Charles Willeford. In fact, I have over 1,000 mini-bios posted all over the IMDb and am currently listed as #3 in the IMDb statistics top twenty list of writers on mini-bios. Plus I add pieces of trivia and quotes for folks all over the IMDb (one of the folks I've added several quotes for is none other than Fred Astaire!). Hell, I even add magazine interviews, pictorials and cover photos, too. And TV commercials, too. I'm not a prolific writer; I'm just a guy who writes a lot.
I would love to hear from film fans the world over. I hope you enjoy my writing and comments.
I own more DVDs than I care to list and have seen more movies than I would care to admit to. I average three or fours DVDs a week, so my collection gets bigger and bigger all the time. Before you ask, I store my DVDs in a very large basement. I also store the bodies of stray drifters I pick on the way home from work in my basement as well. Wait a minute; forget that last sentence. I actually eat as much of the bodies as I can (thus saving money on food so I can buy more DVDs) and burn what I can't eat in my incinerator (thus saving money on heating as well). When in Jersey be sure to stop by my house. I'd be glad to have you over for diner. However, you wouldn't be a guest in my house; you would be the main course instead. Cheers!
Death by Love (1990)
Enjoyable early 90's horror obscurity
Handsome and charming sculptor Joel Frank (a rather stiff, but sincere performance by Alan Grant, who also directed and wrote the script) suspects that his Satan-worshiping childhood pal Ed (a creepy portrayal by Frank McGill) is murdering his every new girlfriend.
Grant keeps the entertainingly trashy story moving along at a reasonable pace, offers a flavorsome evocation of the pretty Texas region locations (the thick accents many folks in the cast sport are a total hoot to hear!), and delivers a satisfyingly substantial amount of tasty female nudity and sizzling soft-core sex (Grant also bares his beefy butt for the ladies). This film further benefits from the amusing depiction of Joel as an absolute stud muffin on wheels who good-looking women practically throw themselves at. The gals featured herein are quite hot and attractive, with slender brunette Erika Mills a particular stand-out as the foxy Renee. Both the competent cinematography by Bil Andrews and the shivery synthesizer score by Elfheim are up to par. A fun little fright flick.
Dream Stalker (1991)
A gloriously ghastly supernatural horror obscurity
Super model Brittney (flatly played by yummy brunette Valerie Williams) finds herself being haunted by the disfigured ghost of her recently deceased motorcross racer boyfriend Ricky (Mark Dias in grotesque make-up).
Boy, does this uproariously awful dud possess all the right wrong stuff to qualify as a real four-star stinkeroonie: We've got slack (non)direction by Christopher Mills, a plodding pace, cheesy gore, rinky-dink (not so) special effects, some tasty gratuitous nudity, a seriously scorching soft-core sex scene, a meandering narrative, tinny sound, rough cinematography, a tacky synthesizer score, zero tension or spooky atmosphere, and crummy acting from a lame no-name cast. An absolute cruddy Grade Z hoot.
The Image (1975)
Probably the best and most beautiful film ever made about S&M
Writer Jean (an excellent performance by Carl Parker) gets reunited with aloof, but alluring old flame Claire (well played with steely resolve by Marilyn Roberts) at a posh party. Claire introduces Jean to her enticing, yet passive sex slave Anne (a remarkably brave and startling portrayal by the gorgeous Mary Mendum), which inspires Jean to become a willing participant in Claire and Anne's sadomasochistic games.
Writer/director Radley Metzger adroitly crafts a deliriously erotic and intoxicating atmosphere, makes nice use of various lovely Paris, France locations, and brings his usual sly wit and elegant style to the bold and absorbing premise. The three leads all do sterling work in their demanding roles. Fetching brunette Valerie Marron has a memorable small part as a salesgirl who happily engages in a steamy threesome with Jean and Anne. Robert Lefebvre's sumptuous cinematography presents a wealth of breathtaking visuals. Best of all, the character of Jean even embarks on an eye-opening journey of carnal self-discovery whereby he finds out that he has a natural penchant for the hard kinky stuff while the provocative story explores in shocking and unflinching detail the extremely fine line that separates pain and pleasure. A supremely exquisite, if overall unsettling 70's adult cinema gem.
Nothing lasts forever
Walter Jameson (superbly played by Kevin McCarthy) teaches history at a local college and displays an uncannily thorough understanding of the subjects he lectures about. As he should, because Jameson is actually an immortal who has been alive for well over two thousand years.
Director Anton Leader relates the neat and engrossing story at a steady pace as well as ably crafts an appropriately sober and mysterious mood. Charles Beaumont's smart and literate script not only makes a potent and provocative central point about death being a natural part of the cycle of life, but also poignantly points out the bitter and lonely price one must pay for living forever. McCarthy anchors this episode with his strong and thoughtful work as Jameson; he receives sturdy support Edgar Stehli as suspicious professor Sam Kittridge, Estelle Winwood as aged former wife Laurette Bowen, and Dodie Heath as perky fiancé Susanna. An on the money show.
What's real and what's staged?
Perplexed businessman Arthur Curtis (a fine and riveting performance by Howard Duff) discovers much to his dismay that he's on a sound stage in another life in which he's a film star.
Director Ted Post keeps the compelling story moving along at a brisk pace and ably crafts an intriguing enigmatic atmosphere. Richard Matheson's clever, yet rather opaque script can be read in a number of fascinating ways: It could just as well be about a hardcore Method actor getting too much into his latest role or a simple tale of a stressed-out everyman losing touch with reality, while the ending makes a provocative existential statement about taking charge of one's life regardless of whether it's either genuine or imagined. The sound acting keeps things humming: David White as worried agent Brinkley, Frank Maxwell as no-nonsense director Marty Fisher, Eileen Ryan as bitter ex-wife Nora, Gail Kobe as perky and attractive secretary Sally, and Pete Walker as concerned producer Sam. An interesting show.
Sex in the Comics (1972)
Definitely not for the kiddies
A bunch of ribald adult comics known as Tijuana bibles are enacted in skits by live performers. Director Anthony Spinelli and writers Paul Pervertt and Miles Muff maintain an infectiously zany and bawdy tone throughout, deliver a wealth of lovably bad cornball puns that are often hysterically awful, and keep the loopy antics zipping along at a brisk pace. The wacky costumes, grotesque make-up on men's faces, and deliberately crude sets all nicely evoke the colorful, yet primitive style of vintage comic artwork. Moreover, it's acted with zest by such familiar 70's porn people as Rick Lutze, Nina Fause, Cyndee Summers, Angela Carnon, Keith Erickson, and even the ubiquitous George "Buck" Flower as a flasher. Naturally, the explicit sex shown herein isn't remotely erotic, but it's certainly not every day that you get to see either Blondie or Betty Boop do the beast of two backs. In addition, this enjoyable oddity does a neat job of tracing the history and evolution of naughty comics starting in the roaring 1920's. A real raunchy hoot.
A Small Town in Texas (1976)
Worthy 70's Southern-fried drive-in opus
Ex-con and former high school football star Poke Jackson (a solid and likable performance by Timothy Bottoms) returns to his small country home town only to discover that his old flame Mary Lee (a fine and charming portrayal by Susan George) is now involved with the corrupt sheriff Duke (Bo Hopkins in peak slimy form), who also was responsible for sending Poke up the river in the first place.
Director Jack Starrett, working from a compelling script by William A. Norton, keeps the engrossing and entertaining story moving along at a steady pace, offers a strong and flavorsome rural redneck hamlet atmosphere, and stages several exciting action set pieces with his trademark rip-snorting gusto. Bottoms and George display a winning and convincing chemistry as the personable main characters; they receive able support from Morgan Woodward as flinty local bigwig C.J. Crane, John Karlen as bumbling deputy Lenny, Art Hindle as amiable grease monkey Boogie, and George "Buck" Flower in an especially lively and funny turn as scruffy hick hell-raiser Bull Parker. Both Charles Bernstein's spirited harmonic score and Robert C. Jessup's sharp widescreen cinematography are up to par. A fun flick.
China Girl (1975)
Gotta love Annette Haven
A nefarious organization run by the ruthless Madame Woo (fetching Pamela Yen) and the even more merciless Y.C. Chan (veteran character actor James Hong in fine slimy form) plot to acquire the formula for a mind control serum. The organization abduct biochemist Teresa Hardgrave (a solid and charming performance by the stunning Annette Haven) in order to get part of the formula's recipe from her only to find out that Hardgrave is more than game for the various forms of carnal torture they have in mind for her.
Director Paul Aratow, working from a clever script by Edwin Brown, relates the enjoyable story at a steady pace, makes neat use of various San Francisco locations, and further spice things up with amusing touches of witty humor. The sex scenes are quite passionate and arousing, with the sequence in which Annette takes on and wears out three hunky guys rating as a definite scorching highlight. Tom Douglass lends sturdy support as dashing and handsome agent David Chase. Best of all, the delectable Mrs. Haven handles her sexual duties with tremendous uninhibited aplomb. Moreover, it also helps that such lovely ladies as Bonnie Holiday and Sharon Thorpe are on hand to participate in a steamy lesbian session with Annette. Red Dawson's crisp cinematography provides an attractive bright look. Hadley Caliman's funky-throbbing score hits the get-down groovy spot. Recommending viewing for both Annette Haven fans and Golden Age hardcore cinema aficionados in general.
The worst monsters are the human kind
Strange and puzzling occurrences on a heretofore quiet and peaceful suburban street cause the residents who live on it to become suspicious of each other to the point where they start turning on one another.
Director Ron Watson not only firmly grounds the chilling and gripping premise in a totally plausible everyday small town reality, but also ably crafts a strong and unsettling mood of mounting dread, unease, and paranoia. The fine acting by the bang-up cast keeps things humming, with especially stand-out contributions from Claude Akins as pragmatic voice of reason Steve Brand, Barry Atwater as the defensive Les Goodman, Jack Warden as hot-headed troublemaker Charlie Farnsworth, and Jan Handzlik as excitable and over-imaginative kid Tommy. Rod Serling's pungent script makes a frightening central point on how man's capacity for fear, anger, bias, and prejudice can lead to his own downfall and ruination as well as demonstrates with terrifying lucidity how a few unusual and inexplicable events can easily escalate into a catastrophe. One of this show's most powerful and disturbing half hours.
Night Terrors (2014)
Enjoyable horror anthology outing
Resentful sister Maddie (nicely played to the snarky hilt by Alyssa Benner) tells three tales of terror to her bratty younger brother: A psycho dressed up as Santa (a creepy portrayal by Brandon Edging) embarks on a murderous spree on Christmas day; obsessed mad scientist Dr. Herbert Cain (a sympathetic performance by Richard Hackel) does questionable experiments on unwilling subjects in order to save his dying daughter; and a lethal flesh-eating venereal disease spreads through a college campus.
Writers/directors Jason Zink and Alex Lukens relate the entertaining stories at a snappy pace, deliver a handy helping of in-your-face graphic and gruesome gore, adroitly craft a fun spooky ooga-booga atmosphere, and maintain a harsh grim tone throughout. While the first segment rates as generic slasher fare and hence isn't anything special, the other two vignettes are much stronger and more unsettling thanks to their unflinchingly bleak moods and downbeat endings. Christopher P. Purdy's gritty widescreen cinematography neatly captures the mangy look of a beat-up VHS tape complete with dropouts and tracking issues. A nifty omnibus flick.