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Real name: Joe Wawrzyniak
Hair: Rapidly receding, but what's still left is dirty blonde & often uncombed
Eyes: Piercing blue. Not exactly Meg Fosterish, but leaning in that striking direction
Favorite hat: Fedora, a man's hat
Favorite shirt: loud Hawaiian shirts, the uglier the better
Favorite pants: Khaki, usually rumpled
Date of birth: June 1st, 1972
Homestate: New Jersey, where both myself and the drive-in were born
Height: 6 feet, 4 inches, very tall
Weight: 215 pounds, really thin
Nicknames: The Woodman, The Woodster,
The Woodmeister, Awesome Anders
Mr. Wood, Woody A, Good Ol' WA, Woods,
Woody Baby (ladies only, please)
Persona: Film nerd and damn proud of it
Voice: Deep, oily, soothing pus ooze late night disc jockey tenor
Favorite song: "Una Paloma Blanca" 2005 remix by George Baker
Motto: "If you wanna be the s**t, you gotta know your s**t. Otherwise, you ain't s**t."
Religion: Godless heathen atheist and proud of it, too
I'm especially fond of horror and exploitation movies. I think the 70's was the best-ever decade for film. Watch a lot of cult movies and drive-in films; the sleazier and/or weirder they are, the more I dig 'em. Enjoy out of the mainstream independent films, rock pics, sci-fi end-of-the-world items and made-for-TV movies as well.
Just to stop my life from being too dull I have a little sideline hobby singing downhome Southern-fried country and western music. I'm the lead singer/songwriter in a funky band called Hillbilly Joe and the Jersey Bumpkins. We're a bunch of s**t-kickin', fiddle-pickin', banjo-pluckin' rowdy rednecks who love to spit, chew, screw and drink Mountain Dew (and I ain't talkin' 'bout the soda). We perform at truckstops, greasy spoons, swap meets, flea markets, seedy honkytonk dives, trailer parks, weddings, bar mitzvahs, and especially church social gatherings every Sunday afternoon. Songs we perform include such good, clean, wholesome family numbers as "Thank God I'm A Country *beep* "On the Floor Again," "I *beep* Your Sister and She's A Lousy Lay," and "The Wife Beating Song." The latter charming ditty I wrote in fifteen minutes at the tail end of a severe weekend whiskey bender. The lyrics are as follows:
I punch the dawg
I kick the cat
I beat the wife
With a bat
She called the cops
I'm in jail
Spendin' the night
Can't pay bail
While I'm here
I really hope
My hairy cellmate Bubba
Don't drop the soap
Now, isn't that a truly special song just ripe to bursting with wit, warmth, tasteful humor and a teeming surplus of poignant heartfelt humanity? Your darn totin' it sure is. Keep watching "American Idol" because I'm gonna be on it any day now.
I also act in hard-core porno films under the alias IGiveYouMyWood. Among the hard-core movies I've starred in are "Layin' the Ladies," "Stickin' It to Your Sister," "Lovin' My Cousin" (a Hillbilly Joe favorite), and the sentimental yuletide classic "Santa's Special Sausage." All these films and many more can be ordered from the following website: www.getmywood.com.
Moreover, I'm a shameless hack writer who does numerous film reviews and articles for such underground publications as "Vex," "Cult Movies" (my article on Bigfoot films was nominated for a Rondo Award in 2003, but alas I didn't win), "The Exploitation Journal," "Screem," and "Shock Cinema." I also write album reviews for a local Garden State rock zine called "Jersey Beat."
I average at one film comment a day on the IMDb and even write snappy little bios on such lesser known actors and actresses as Vic Diaz, Victor Israel, Joy Bang, Michael Ironside, Michelle Stacy, James Whitworth, Frances Raines, Roberta Collins, Rick Dean, Candice Rialson, Monica Gayle, Harley Cross, Bill Thurman, Michael Sopkiw, Nicholas Worth, Jennifer Ashley, Sondra Currie, Bruno VeSota, Sharon Kelly, Tim Thomerson, Tony Musante, Lina Romay, Pamela Franklin, Kelli Maroney, Jewel Shepard, Starr Andreeff, and Patty Shepard. I've also written bios for such directors as Richard Compton (R.I.P.), my good friend Keith Crocker, William Lustig, Jeff Lieberman, Jeff Burr, Fred Dekker, Kevin S. Tenney, Lewis Teague, Jack Arnold, Lee Frost, Don Edmonds, and Gary Sherman. In a pitiful attempt at displaying range and versatility, I've whipped up bios for longtime favorite singer/songwriters Kim Carnes, Carol Connors, Jackie DeShannon, John Prine, Joe South and Tony Joe White, country singers Dave Dudley and Eddie Rabbitt, blues singer/guitarist T-Model Ford, rock'n'roll guitarists Davie Allan and Link Wray, and crime novelist Charles Willeford. In fact, I have over 1,000 mini-bios posted all over the IMDb and am currently listed as #3 in the IMDb statistics top twenty list of writers on mini-bios. Plus I add pieces of trivia and quotes for folks all over the IMDb (one of the folks I've added several quotes for is none other than Fred Astaire!). Hell, I even add magazine interviews, pictorials and cover photos, too. And TV commercials, too. I'm not a prolific writer; I'm just a guy who writes a lot.
I would love to hear from film fans the world over. I hope you enjoy my writing and comments.
I own more DVDs than I care to list and have seen more movies than I would care to admit to. I average three or fours DVDs a week, so my collection gets bigger and bigger all the time. Before you ask, I store my DVDs in a very large basement. I also store the bodies of stray drifters I pick on the way home from work in my basement as well. Wait a minute; forget that last sentence. I actually eat as much of the bodies as I can (thus saving money on food so I can buy more DVDs) and burn what I can't eat in my incinerator (thus saving money on heating as well). When in Jersey be sure to stop by my house. I'd be glad to have you over for diner. However, you wouldn't be a guest in my house; you would be the main course instead. Cheers!
The campaign to get Chief Daniels (Jon Cypher in top slimy form) elected mayor hits several snags: Single mother Faye (an excellent Barbara Bosson) gives Daniels a scorching earful about the city's lax policy for helping single parents, a murder occurs at a shoot-out in Murray's Wonderland, and the court dismisses the Robson case. Moreover, Renko (a very funny Charles Haid) winds up with dyed green skin after busting junkie robber Nick Kassner (well played by Michael Horton), who's otherwise better known as The Emily Post Bandit.
Renko's dilemma provides some really amusing moments while the depiction of Kassner as a pitiable drug addict with a seven hundred dollar a day dope habit serves as a sterling testament to this show's bold willingness to tackle tough subject matter head on. Belker (a nicely snarly Bruce Weitz) has a great conversation with proud smut peddler Murray (an excellent portrayal by Milton Selzer), who in turn also has a terrific death speech. Jeffrey Tambor is an absolute hoot as shady lawyer (and cross dresser!) Alan Wachtel. Marilyn Jones also excels as Kassner's pathetic strung-out snitch girlfriend Desiree. The climax with Goldblume (a fine Joe Spano) handling a hostage situation proves to be quite tense and gripping. An on the money episode.
Des diamants pour l'enfer (1975)
In the joint once again with Jess Franco and Lina Romay
Cunning and duplicitous moll Shirley Fields (Lina Romay at her most fetching and sultry) winds up serving six years in a penitentiary after she shoots her jewel thief boyfriend dead in what she claims to be a crime of passion. Naturally, Shirley's brash nature doesn't go over well with the sadistic prison staff.
Director Jess Franco, working from a sordid script by Marius Lesoeur, keeps the usually complex, yet still entertainingly trashy story moving along at a steady pace, maintains a gloomy tone throughout, and pulls off a neat surprise ending. Moreover, Franco not only delivers a satisfying smattering of tasty gratuitous female nudity (the inmates all sleep in the nude!), but also further treats the audience to leering zoom-in close-ups of hairy distaff nether regions, a scorching lesbian make-out session, and even some brutal torture set pieces that include a bloody whipping and Shirley receiving electric shocks to her breasts and groin. Buxom blonde babe Martine Stedil lends sturdy support as Shirley's chummy cell mate Martine, Ronald Weiss makes for a suitably hateful villain as strict and vicious warden Carlos de Bries, and Franco acquits himself well in a sizable role as ruthless mobster Bill. Franco's sharp widescreen cinematography and Daniel White's groovy jazz score are both up to par. Fans of Franco's sleazefests should dig this one.
Nice tribute to a great actress
Sheila Keith was an excellent British character actress who did exceptional work in several horror films that she acted in for director Pete Walker in the 1970's, with her tour-de-force lead in "Frightmare" rating as a particular stand-out. Walker remembers that Keith just came in to audition for a part in "House of Whipcord" and how she made a strong immediate impression on everyone (Walker went on to use Keith in four additional pictures and even specifically created a part for her to play in "House of the Long Shadows"). Walker, screenwriter David McGillivray, actress Susan Penhaligon, cinematographer Peter Jessop, and writer Graham Duff all note that Keith was the total antithesis of her sinister screen persona by citing how sweet, lovely, and professional she was. Alas, no one else bothered to cast Keith in horror films outside of Walker, so she never acquired the cult status that she richly deserved in her day. Fortunately, Duff wrote a part for Keith for an episode of his comedy series "Dr. Terrible's House of Horrible" which turned out to be her last acting job for television. Made with real affection and loaded with choice clips of Keith in prime form, it's essential viewing for fans of this underrated actress and her always spot-on acting.
Star Virgin (1979)
Nifty 70's sci-fi porn outing
In the future mankind has become almost completely extinct, with only the beautiful, yet naive and innocent Star Virgin (an endearingly ditsy portrayal by slim blonde Hustler centerfold Kari Klark) remaining. Conceived in a test tube, the curious young lass asks her robot mentor (Kevin Thompson in a ridiculous outfit that looks like a garbage can with a smiley face on it!) to teach her all about the wonders of natural copulation.
Director Howard Ziehm keeps the enjoyable story moving along at a zippy pace and maintains an engaging good-natured tongue-in-cheek tone throughout. Humphry Knipe's witty script presents a neat array of colorful erotic vignettes: A 1950's-themed version of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden (Tracy Walton makes for a super cute Eve), a black and white silent affair featuring Dracula and a servant in a rubber Richard Nixon mask (this one's a total hoot!), two cheerleaders using their saucy feminine wiles to receive an unconscious star football player, a stripper (sizzling brunette Tantala Ray) cutting loose with a scorching number involving a snake, and two prostitutes servicing a room full of horny guys. The sex scenes are quite raunchy and arousing while the humor manages to be amusing in a blithely bawdy sort of way. The presence of such lovely ladies as Terri Nolan, Anne Magle, Hillary Summers, and Chris Anderson certainly doesn't hurt in the least. Nisan Evantoff's groovy score does the funky-throbbing trick. Fans of kooky Golden Age smut should really dig this baby.
The Gathering (1977)
An excellent and poignant made-for-TV gem
Hard-nosed and neglectful businessman Adam Thornton (superbly played by Ed Asner) learns that he has only a few weeks left to live after he's diagnosed with a terminal illness. Adam enlists the assistance of his feisty, yet still faithful and caring estranged wife Kate (an outstanding performance by Maureen Stapleton) to gather all of his now grown-up children and their respective spouses together for one last Christmas celebration before he dies.
Director Randal Kleiser handles the potentially sudsy material with tremendous tact and sensitivity without ever resorting to overly cloying or sappy melodramatics. James Poe's thoughtful script not only perfectly captures the heartwarming spirit of love, forgiveness, and generosity that are true hallmarks of the yuletide season, but also astutely depicts both the fabulous and frustrating aspects of an American family unit in an admirably levelheaded manner. Moreover, the exceptional acting by the first-rate cast really holds this picture together: Rebecca Balding as the sweet Julie, Bruce Davison as Julie's struggling and vulnerable husband George, Gregory Harrison as rugged individualist Bud Jr., Lawrence Pressman as the stubborn Tom, Veronica Hamel as Tom's sensible wife Helen, Gail Strickland as workaholic Peggy, John Randolph as the pragmatic Dr. Hodges, and James Karen as loyal lawyer Bob Block. Further enhanced by Dennis Dalzell's crisp cinematography and John Barry's delicately melodic score, it's overall one to relish and cherish as much as one's own family.
The Weird World of Blowfly (2010)
An excellent, affecting, and illuminating portrait of a singular musical artist
Clarence Reid first established himself as a singer, songwriter, and producer of perfectly acceptable and respectable mainstream commercial R&B fare in the 1960's and 1970's, but it was as his outrageously crude, lewd, and rude alter ego of proto-rapper and parodist Blowfly whereby Reid made his most strong and lasting impression as one hell of a colorful and hilariously raunchy dude.
This documentary follows Reid and his band as they embark on a grueling tour in which they largely perform at seedy half empty dives before going to Europe in an attempt to introduce Blowfly to a new younger crowd. Frequently butting heads with concerned, but long-suffering manager and drummer Tom Bowker, this doc doesn't shy away from showing Reid in a warts'n'all manner in which he occasionally comes across as an impatient and cantankerous old grump complete with a bum knee, money problems (Reid doesn't make any royalties from various musical artists who sample his song due to the fact that he sold his catalog for a pittance in 2003), and estranged children from a failed marriage. It's the way this documentary's incisive fly-on-the-wall perspective depicts the still sharp sick humor and wounded humanity of Reid which in turn makes it so touching and involving. Moreover, it's a treat to see such rap icons as Ice-T and Chuck D. give Reid the props that he richly deserves as a true pioneer in the rap music genre (Reid's song "Blowfly's Rapp" has been widely cited as the first ever known instance of a rap song in existence). Of course, the footage of Blowfly performing his uproariously nasty numbers on stage is every bit as gut-busting as one would hope, but it's the underlying sense of tragedy and melancholy just below the surface of all that bawdy fun that enables this documentary to be so much more than some fawning puff piece on Reid and his unique place in music history.
Very funny and enjoyable 70's comedic porn romp
Pure, good, and frumpy Christian gal Sylvia (broadly overplayed by voluptuous honey Joanna Bell) suffers from schizophrenia: She changes from being an uptight puritan to a predatory carnal tigress on a dime. Sylvia's concerned, but prudish cousin Toby (the fetching and appealing Pamela Serpe) enlist the assistance of top psychiatrist Dr. Balaban (an earnest portrayal by writer/director Peter Savage) to help Sylvia out.
Savage keeps the entertaining story moving along at a steady pace, maintains an engaging tongue-in-cheek tone throughout, and astutely pegs the free'n'easy 70's mindset complete with pot smoking, pop psychology, and happy wanton swinging. Moreover, Savage wrings plenty of uproarious comic mileage out of the multiple personality premise, with the character of butch lesbian Toni in particular rating as an absolute hoot and a real gut-busting doozy of a surprise ending. Helen Devine really chews up the scenery and spits it out all over the place as Sylvia's unhinged and abusive mother, foxy Helen Madigan scorches the screen as the uninhibited Sheila, Marc Stevens has a funny bit as a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman, Bobby Astyr has a ball as a smarmy orgy host, and future 80's action movie staple Sonny Landham even pops up as a sweaty junkie who desperately needs some stuff. Michael Negrin's sunny cinematography provides an attractive bright look and boasts a few deliciously cheesy stylistic flourishes. Horace Diaz's funky-throbbing score and the groovy theme song both hit the right-on harmonic spot. Recommended viewing for aficionados of Golden Age smut.
Film critic and actor Jean-Pierre Bouyxou reminisces about his frequent co-star Lina Romay shortly after she died. While a tad too effusive, Bouyxou nonetheless comes across as quite touchingly sincere in his thoughts and feelings about Lina Romay: He describes Romay affectionately as a "Parisian guttersnipe," talks about how he last saw Romay with her husband Jess Franco at a career retrospective of Franco's work, notes that Romay was a funny and vibrant woman with an anarchist sensibility who cared more about making films than having a career, and relates a priceless anecdote about Franco shooting a scene of a nude Romay doing lascivious things to a statue of Apollo. Bouyxou's comments about how Franco and Romay were inseparable as a couple are especially poignant. Recommended viewing for Lina Romay fans.
Daniels (well played to the slimy hilt by Jon Cypher) orders Furillo (the always on the money Daniel J. Travanti) to put four officers undercover in the adult store Murray's Wonderland. Officer Perez (powerful work by Tony Perez) accidentally shoots a little boy with a toy gun after mistaking him for a burglar. Bates (an excellent Betty Thomas) gets seriously hurt on the job.
The whole incident involving Perez gives this particular episode a potent dramatic kick, with Perez feeling tremendous guilt over what he did while Daniels tries to avert blame by making it look like it was the mother's fault (this episode scores extra points for the fearless way it depicts the more ugly and selfish side of politics). The undercover operation at the porn palace provides a prime source of humor: Watching Washington (a sly performance by Taureen Blacque) impersonate a hip jive-talking janitor is a hoot and Hunter (a nicely flaky James Sikking) has a hilariously awkward conversation with a sex worker in a peep show booth. Moreover, there are sterling guest contributions from Sam Groom as the friendly Dr. Stuart, Ron Parady as the hard-nosed Mahoney, Olivia Brown as strung-out junkie Vicki, and, in an especially hearty-breaking turn, Alfre Woodard as the slain boy's distraught and grieving mother Doris.
Courting Controversy (2005)
Nice portrait of Pete Walker
In the 1970's maverick indie British horror filmmaker Pete Walker purposefully made a handful of bold and uncompromising take-no-prisoners movies with the deliberate intention of breaking taboos and winding people up. Walker reveals that his father was a comedian and his mother was a chorus line dancer as well as that he started out as a comic prior to becoming a filmmaker. Moreover, Walker thought Susan George was miscast in the lead in "Die Screaming Marianne" and notes that the cast didn't get along. ("Die Screaming Marianne" also helped George get cast in Sam Peckinpah's "Straw Dogs.") Screenwriter David McGillivray points out that "House of Whipcord" has a plot structure that's similar to "Psycho" and talks about the small parts he played in a few of Walker's films. In addition, McGillivray admits that he got the idea for "Frightmare" from the infamous Andes air crash incident and that the role of the mother was specifically written for Sheila Keith to play. Walker and McGillivray confess that they had a lot of fun coming up with gross new ways to kill people in "House of Mortal Sin." Walker also discusses how he meant the latter picture to be controversial and that Peter Cushing was originally offered the lead role. Actress Susan Penhaligon remembers Walker as a fun and affable fellow while actor Paul Greenwood relates an amusing story about the painful makeup he had to endure for "Frightmare." There's also a neat segment on cinematographer Peter Jessop, who Walker praises for his exceptional efficiency shooting movies that often required thirty-five set-ups in a single day. Recommended viewing for Pete Walker fans.