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The Visit (2015)
Head for the hills!
If an alien race ever was unfortunate to visit Earth they would have my sympathy and full understanding if they got back in their craft travelled back into space and blew us to oblivion as a precaution against ever meeting such a sanctimonious bunch of self important so called experts again.
Starting with the idea that an extra-terrestrial craft has landed somewhere we find that our governments would not want us to know about it as we would of course all panic and start stealing stuff and killing each other.
They of course would address this calmly and considerately and assemble an elite team led by David Attenborough as his face is so instantly recognisable. Unless of course you are an alien who has travelled billions of miles and did not have Dave or Discovery channel. Imagine the conversation as the team arrive. Alien. 'who's that?' other Alien 'That's David Attenborough they brought him as his face is so well known.' First Alien 'Oh yeah I loved him in Fools & Horses'.
David's team would approach the craft which would by now be surrounded by tanks and missiles and rather scared soldiers who remember how this turned out in Independence Day. Jeff Goldblum may have been drafted as he did well in ID1 and also knows some good stuff about dinosaurs and Math. Bruce Willis and Arnold would be on stand by just in case this goes t#ts up. Also Rodney Trotter for some strange reason may have been alerted.
After being allowed an audience our elite team will assault the visitors with a whole range of patronising questions and try to assure the aliens that we came in peace. Which having the History channel would have assured them that this was a lie. We never go anywhere in peace.
Do they come in peace? And if so how can we kill them and steal their stuff. Just like we did with the Dodo and the American Indians.
The team would have to be careful as words matter. They may ask 'how do you think?' The aliens would reply suspiciously.... 'what do you mean?'. The team would respond 'we want to know how your brains work?'. By this time the aliens would be in full panic..... 'They want our brains....flee'
By this time the secret will be out and we will be running around like panicked hens after a well endowed rooster had arrived in the pen.
I think it would be wonderful if an alien race came here. Perhaps one day we will see that but if our reaction is along the lines of this nonsense then I would foresee ID2.
There would be 3 reasons why they came. 1 to scout our planet. 2 to land and learn about our civilisation or 3 to fix a breakdown. Obviously they did not want to mention 4 to conquer us and use us for food.
Whatever happens 4 will always be our default setting and the scientists will not get a look in after the military have surrounded the craft and targeted it with anything that makes an explosion.
We even shot Klaatu and he only wanted to give the US President some kind of weird anal probe.
Throughout our short History we have never done well with alien visitors. According to many they are already here slipping implants into our necks and probing us anally.
So the only sensible action would be for us all to head for the hills. As no matter whether they come in peace or war 5 minutes listening to our elite team would cause them to say (in their alien language that the elite team do not know) Klaatu Barada Nickto which as we all know means 'break out the destructor rays these people are idiots'.
Now You See Me 2 (2016)
I liked the first one a lot. Even if a bit daft it was fun.
This drivel on the other hand was nothing but absolute crap piled on crap. Written probably by a 5 year old it started stupid and by the time it got to the FBI running around London with guns ordering the British police about it had fallen over the precipice of utter b#llocks never to be seen again as anything worthwhile.
Rich men hire absolute idiots to look after their security allowing a bunch of so called magicians to magic and hypnotise their way across the globe. The US prison system allows someone to walk in and walk out with a criminal using an FBI ID stolen from another agent. Then Harry Potter turns up and makes the Horsemen steal a chip from a secure facility manned by complete buffoons.
Harry seemed under the impression being rich means he can just order a plane into the air anytime he likes without any notice from flight controllers. And firing guns in the street would not attract any attention. And Harry must have never been on a plane before or else he would have noticed it had not taken off even with some shaking and a bit of fake rain.
But of course everything was an illusion and all ended well with the FBI arresting the bad guys with their guns in a country they would not be allowed in with those guns let alone take a leading role in any arrest.
Meanwhile London bayed like a bunch of cackling chimps at the brilliance of the Horsemen and their improbable plot. The less said about the Morgan Freeman Bruce banner bonding at the end the better.
Are Americans really that stupid? Sadly #3 has been announced and who knows what japes these magic folk will get up to.
A good example at why films with numbers after them should be burned before release.
Stranger Things (2016)
Not bad but not great either
I was really looking forward to this show as I am a big Winona Ryder fan. Watched the whole series over 2 nights and it was OK TV.
A nice 80s feel to it and the story-line was presented well with a proper conclusion rather than drag it out for 6 series.
The acting was not always good especially the kids who did some really unrealistic things never mind stranger things. Winona did overact a bit and some of her hand-wringing and distraught mom moments were a bit over the top. She was not on her own as some of the male actors were a bit unrealistic as well.
Echoes of a lot of TV and film that had gone before which detracted a bit from a good story but everybody does that nowadays as originality seems to have disappeared from these genres.
The monster looked like something I have played in a game and the special effects were not that special. The PG 12 feel did not help and what should have been gritty in your face instead was watered down kids TV. People said 'Damn' a lot which real people don't do.
The Eleven story-line was one of the best parts of this and she was played well even if it was a bit of a steal from Firestarter. But to give the series credit it did mention Stephen King along the way.
Overall I gave it a six which was probably a bit weighted as I like Winona. Will there be a series 2? I hope so as it was a decent show and it's great to see Winona work in TV.
Hopefully any further series will be a bit more original and a bit more adult.
Not a fan of Ryan Reynolds at all. Buried and Green Lantern had me shouting at the screen and were among the worst movies of the new century.
But this R Rated superhero outing was pretty good. It had some funny moments and did not take itself too seriously. Ryan played his part well and I give him a great deal of credit for making this work.
It had a good supporting cast especially Gotham's Morena Baccarin and Ed Skrein playing Deadpool's girlfriend and Nemesis.
The violence was comic book silly but Kick-Ass style fun. The X-Men tie in was quite funny as Deadpool treated those worthy Marvel characters with complete disregard for their worthiness. The story was basically a Darkman style revenge story with our hero hoping that he could be restored to his normal Ryan Reynolds look.
The Marvel and DC Universes has been a bit hit and miss with some truly awful outings. Green Lantern being one of the worst although Iron Man gets on my tits.
One of the few comic book heroes that deserve a second outing. Enjoyed it.
Midnight Special (2016)
All it needed was ....something!
With elements of Close Encounters, ET, Knowing, X-Men, The Abyss and Firestarter we have a near 2 hour bore fest with co-ordinates to nowhere and nothing to do when we get there. Who was the little boy?
Who were the magic people in the sky who have no TV so watch us all the time?
That is the creepiest part of it the idea that some light eyed weirdo is watching you as you attend to toilet functions and such as they have their morning honeydew and lettuce leaf.
The authorities are utterly stupid as even when confronted by the blindingly obvious the best question they can come up with is about how the kid disappeared?
I like Michael Shannon and Kirsten Dunst and the early scenes with them were interesting until we began to reveal what this tripe was about.
So the religious set are satisfied as it's proof Jesus exist, the science boffins now know we are not alone however THEY are a bit TOO close for comfort and who knows what bit of Earth they are watching that affects your night time activity and Internet nut cases can ponder what it means until MS2 appears.
Either we have to figure out a plan to destroy them or they might send another group of pointless kids for us to chase after to absolutely no purpose.
Like that Cloverfield 2 rubbish a waste of 2 valuable hours and months of expectation. I said I would not fall for it again after that Cloverfield lane crap but they know you always will and I indeed did.
They might have nice houses but I did not see any tanks. I recommend immediate invasion and steal their stuff especially any tapes marked 'Animals do the strangest things SE144 Blindfold Edition'.
10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)
JJ Con Trick
I loved Cloverfield which for me was one of the best films of the 21st Century. I saw it in a cinema and loved it and watched it a dozen times since on DVD and still love it.
Cue Super 8 which insinuated it had a Cloverfield connection but was just about a bad CGI alien spider that made a space ship out of a water tank. Not a bad movie but not great either.
Then out of the blue comes a trailer for 10 Cloverfield Lane which may or not be a Cloverfield sequel. The clever use of the word Cloverfield hints at a connection and then J.J. Abrams feeds that with his comments.
If like me you loved Cloverfield then try to be unlike me and don't waste 10 pound on this absolute crock of a movie. Massively disappointed and feel cheated after watching this garbage.
A girl wakes up after a crash in an underground shelter with a young bloke with a poorly arm and John Goodman. He tells her he 'rescued' her as there had been an attack and it's not safe above ground.
In the trailer we see
.....the girl fight her way up the stairs and peer out the doorway with a look of shock. Con trick as it's not what you (and I) probably thought.
.....Something huge seems to walk over the shelter causing stuff to fall on the floor. Again a completely unexplained scene that later makes absolutely no sense at all.
.....The famous drum scene as Goodman dons gloves and starts to open a 40 gallon steel drum. Could it be a Clovy parasite? Or something equally strange and interesting? No it's a nothing scene that reveals nothing we imagined it would be. It does have a bit of shock value and is a central plot device for the finale but still nothing of any great interest to Cloverfield fans.
......Then the outside scene with the explosion the gas mask and the light and roar approaching the barn. When that was revealed I thought WTF?
There we have it. Whilst there may have been some cursory nods to Cloverfield they flash by so quickly that they are not noticeable without freeze and rewind buttons which my cinema did not have. Simply clever marketing using the name Cloverfield prominently to attract attention to a pretty dull psycho film with some utter bilge to end it with. It says something when the film makers have to nick scenes from the incredibly awful WOTW by Stephen Spielberk.
The acting was very mediocre with John Goodman, who is a great actor, seemingly catching a nap as he delivered his lines. The sound was terrible and even in a cinema I could barely hear what was said. The CGI for the finale would make the Sci-Fi channel blush.
I left the theatre 10 pound lighter robbed of nearly 2 hours of valuable time and completely disillusioned with J.J. Abrams All that for this complete twaddle that Alan Smithee would disown.
Don't forget to lock the back door.
Man goes to Denver to give his wife some space and world begins to fall apart. Planes crash and people stand around in the street with vacant looks on their faces. News reports wonder what is happening and so will the viewer.
One of the worst aspects of this really terrible alien invasion movie is that it jumps back and forth from the life before and the life after the invasion with scenes of the main characters at work and doing stuff. So much so that it gives you a headache trying to remember who is who so I gave up caring after 30 minutes and prayed for it to end.
The acting is something not seen in movies before. A level of 'bad' that will probably be a beloved genre of film in 100 years. Nobody seems a bit bothered that some really bad stuff is happening around them. Between the ones with the blank look on their faces and the ones supposedly OK there is no discernible difference. Our hero just blundered along with hardly a care as people lay dead around him and these really bad looking aliens killed people.
He hooked up with a completely emotionless group of survivors who try as they might were completely unable to look anything but people being paid very little to read the script and emote some kind of response to what was going on. They barely looked disturbed that an alien invasion was in progress.
Which brings up the point that the invasion was really badly put together. Something about the water and some weird looking monkey thing with a plastic ray gun and a weird hat. And why did they bother invading a house in the middle of nowhere guarded by a bloke with a shotgun and a limp. Surely that is taking thoroughness too far. There must have been far more important areas to invade? Of course our blundering hero was there so that probably covered it.
In the finale the hero blunders back to Salt Lake City and a rendezvous with his missus who was cheating on him anyway. Also her dog was poorly and her next door neighbours were dead.
Last few frames for a bit of emoting and that was it. It did serve one useful purpose though in that if we ever do get invaded by aliens ####don't forget to lock the back door.####
Don't Blink (2014)
Where was The Doctor when you need him?
Not a bad effort with a half decent cast who played their roles well enough. Biggest problem for me was there was absolutely no explanation or even a hint about what was going on and why.
Some have alluded to Dean Koontz Phantoms because of the writing on walls and stuff which is fair enough. But the story was better when it was a Doctor Who episode called ironically Blink and the movies title (when I saw it) 'Don't Blink', written on walls and doors, was used as a device to warn people in that episode.
The Doctor could have sorted this out in about 50 minutes but we had twice that to kill.
There were a few good moments of suspense but lots of it were simply strange and silly. Where had the animals and insects gone? Why was there a boat on a frozen lake and why was it snowing when it should be warm. Who knows because we the viewer certainly don't. A hint would have been nice.
Shame really as it was worth watching except for the conclusion.
The X Files: My Struggle II (2016)
Worst episode EVER
The last couple of series of the X Files were pretty poor and sullied what started out a brilliant idea. It's two leads had an electricity about them and the writing was intelligent and exciting. Then we had the alien conspiracy nonsense that eventually killed a great show and its death throes really did stink out the brilliance that went before. It ended poorly and should have been left alone so those that loved the show could remember the huge amount of good episode that were thrilling and funny and cutting edge TV. Then someone thought it would be a good idea to milk the X Files one last time. Disguised as some attempt to explain what all that alien nonsense was about they decided to forget most of what had happened a la Dallas and just made up some crap about how the aliens were really nice and it was men like Smoking dude who were the real monsters.
So we had 5 episodes to attempt this before a grand finale. Four were pretty awful and one was worthwhile (the lizard one) and then the Final Insult episode 6.
For no discernible reason soldiers suddenly seem to be becoming anthrax infected lizards and everybody else has flu. The Smoking mans nose has fallen off and the world is going to end. Scully decides that her DNA is the cure and with barely 10 minutes left begins to put together a vaccine.
Then a badly beaten up Mulder and the other bloke from last weeks utter drivel end up 'two blocks' from Scully on a Washington bridge in desperate need of Scully DNA and with the world starting to die around her she realises that her son is probably the saviour of the human race. Where could he be? Maybe he is in the car three down from Scully? Or probably he is on the triangular spaceship that appears just before the end credits.
And that folks hopefully IS the end of the X Files because it has been exhumed and abused once too often. It should have ended at Series 7 with Mulder disappeared.
I have watched every episode of this programme and some garbage appeared in series 8 & 9 but this one turned out to be the worst ever. So instead of saving the best for last they did the opposite. Whomsoever wrote this crap should hang their head in shame.
One of the best TV ideas ever deserved better than this pile of utter sewage.
The Survivalist (2015)
So boring it could curdle milk!
Judging by the poster this looked like a great post apocalypse drama. Instead it was a pile of pretentious artsy fartsy crap that moved along at a snails pace and got nowhere. Bloke lives in a hut after some disaster or other and grows food using his own waste. Bit like the Martian but without a script. Some woman turns up with her daughter and offers sex for food and board. Daughter duly obliges and the three settle down to a life of monotony and some sex. Then some dreary dialogue later bloke kills woman to ease her pain as she was dying and then all hell breaks loose as the hut gets invaded and everyone dies I think. Then daughter who survived the slaughter goes somewhere and does something and then it ends. I may be a bit loose on what actually happened as I was half asleep due to boredom and missed a couple of scenes but basically it's another pile of too clever drivel from the art squad who will tell us we are not intelligent enough to understand it and call it a masterpiece. Seen too many like this and am bored with them but am sure there will be another one along soon to stun us with it's brilliance.