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Mega Piranha (2010)
Doubling in size every 2 days IS exponential...
Well, folks...Syfy has done it again. Another sub-B movie churned out in the same tier as Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. I normally get a laugh out of this sort of flick; the purple prose script with cheesy delivery, the absurd plots with more holes than a screen door and the shockingly bad cg are all fodder for mocking and jeering with friends. Still, these movies can only achieve the rank of risibly bad classics if the writers, actors and directors are completely oblivious to just how terrible a film they've unleashed upon the world. Syfy originals seem to exist for the sake of being entertainingly awful, and it is that bent-on-wrecking-this-train mentality that makes this and many other movies lame.
The movie follows the same formula that plagues the made for TV nature-horror scene. Follow these steps and you too can be a Scifi writer! Take some normal animals that aren't much of a threat and make them huge/super strong/intelligent (pick any super-animal attribute. It really doesn't matter). Science creates then tries to control the bastard chimeras, but of course scientists are nerds, so they should fail. This is usually because the military/some evil corporation ruins everything with snafu after snafu. This step is important because it serves as a diatribe to meddling scientists, overconfident military leaders and corporate America. Your script now has depth and you can tote your worth as a writer that cares about the issues. Insert the big, bad protagonist. He should be able to punch and kick his way through hordes of monsters that have ripped through countless crewman number 6s and still look damn good doing it. You can also add a strong independent and flawlessly attractive girl to the script. The more independent you make her, the more substance the script has. It is important to acknowledge that women are every bit as amazing your beefcake hero and your creation will be so revolutionary that even a feminist won't scoff at it(you'll also have a slightly better chance of scoring with the lead lady). You now have the tools to start your own script. I don't want to flood the market with great writers, so you'll have to figure out the end for yourself. Use a lot of fake blood, clean up obvious plot holes with single lines like, "Yeah, well things change," and insert as many bikini-clad women as your budget will allow and I'm sure everything will be fine.
This movie works on many of the same levels, and it is sure to be one of the most critically acclaimed thrillers of this or any year. Just remember: regardless of whether a piranha is doubling in size every 2 days or 36 hours, it is growing exponentially.
Zombie Night (2003)
A Pre-apocalyptic Disaster
Sometimes one must wonder how some pieces of cinema could be allowed to see the light of day. The person responsible for this film should have tossed the original into the nearest wood-chipper. The film quality was terrible, the sound quality was worse, the plot was dull and the acting was shockingly terrible.In fact, the movie was so bad that it is worth a rent! Despite my vote (which this movie truly does deserve) I enjoyed this movie thoroughly. The effects aren't too shabby, and the lack of talent makes this movie laughable. After all, it isn't entirely the actors' faults that the writing was so terrible. The movie is so abominably lacking that it makes for a fun 93 minutes. My advise is to grab your friends, sit down in front of the television and prepare to laugh.