Reviews written by registered user
|15 reviews in total|
Now as bad movies go, this one is alright. This is no ageing b-movie
with awful script, bad acting and pointless directing. This is a
modern, big budget movie with an awful script, bad acting and awful
Rollerball is one of those movies that sits in the 'why did they bother' category. An eighty million dollar movie churned out by Hollywood with absolutely no effort put into it at all. The original was a classic (although I must admit I haven't seen it), and like 'The Italian job' and 'King Kong' there really was no need to remake it. But at least other remakes are at least watchable (and at best quite good). Rollerball has become an unintentional comedy of massive proportions. You probably thought it wasn't possible to make an action hero more puny than Keanu Reeves, but in Chris Klein they found it. And to top it off, his acting is even more wooden.
Rollerball, being a futuristic game, is set in the future. This gives it it's futuristic sci-fi feel. Wait, wait, no sorry I'm wrong. The director did set it in the future, by a mere 3 YEARS! What the hell is the point in that? Did he expect there to be any massive technological advances in the coming years, Again, I can't admit to having seen the original, but the actual game itself seems to have the most complicatedly pointless set of rules going. Is anyone supposed to make sense of it? Let me try and get this straight A team member has to grab the metal ball, do a loop of the track, jump through some plastic tunnels, and throw the ball at a metal disc, whilst avoiding amour plated motorbike riders intent on bludgeoning him. And it seems to be important that whoever has the ball lets the live band know what his plan is, so they can play him a suitable dramatic soundtrack as he whizzes around. They can have fouls in the game, but considering it doesn't appear to be a foul to knock someone's helmet off and punch them in the face, I'm not really sure what does actually constitute one.
If that wasn't confusing enough, The director has thrown in a 'disgruntled Russian Miners' sub plot, and a 20 minute night-vision chase scene. The latter of which is set entirely in dark green and out of focus. It's enough to make you check if your DVD player has broken.
Conclusion From the 'Boing!' sound effect of a snapping fence (that sounds pretty much like the sound Beavis makes when he gets an erection in 'Beavis and Butthead' to the twenty minute 'night vision' scene(makes you feel all green and fuzzy inside!) , Rollerball doesn't relent with stupidity.
It gets a 3 because I've seen much much worse. But this is bad.
Galaxy Invader It's worth starting this review with a quick run down of
the plot. A spaceship crash lands on Earth, and is relentlessly pursued
by a gang of drunken rednecks, who want to catch it to sell to the
Well, what a movie this is, a perfect blend of stereotyped characters, awful acting and stupid SFX, it's hard to know where to start. How about the drunken rednecks? This rabble is about as stereotyped as you can get. One of the opening scenes involves our main redneck chasing after his mid twenties daughter with a shotgun because she called him something like a no good drunken bum. He also spends the entire movie wearing a badly ripped T-shirt. Most of the gang he collects to hunt the alien aren't much better, they seem to have cans of beer grafted to their hands, mostly wear the obligatory checked shirts, and run about whooping and hollering as they chase their prey in the dead of night. Nothing like a bit of night to give that 'element of surprise' edge when on a hunt eh? The alien itself is actually not that bad, but again, you can't help but feel like you've seen that costume in every other alien/swamp creature movie you've ever watched, although often a lot better quality than that one. He does, however carry around a glowing crystal ball, and gun that shoots fireworks, making for a great shoot out in the middle of the movie, it's like November the fifth has come early.
And finally, like any alien movie, there has to be some good guys on the aliens side, and yup, you guessed it, it's a kid! Along with his UFO obsessed teacher they attempt to free the alien save the day. You do have to hand it to the kid though, his commitment to this cause means he's quite happy to wait alone in a field in the dead of night for six hours whilst his teacher gets up and casually makes a couple of phone calls first.
I won't spoil the ending too much, but needless to say, after watching the rest of the movie, it lives up to the expectation that it'll make no sense and answer no questions Conclusion, One of those movies that grows on you every time you watch it. Like a mysterious rash. It'll have you laughing cringing and bored all at once.
The Crawlers (USA) Troll 3 (USA) Troll III: Contamination Point 7
Creepers, Crawlers, Contamination point seven, you can call it whatever you want. But please don't call it troll 3! If it wasn't bad enough that Troll 2 didn't have any trolls in it, Troll 3 doesn't even have anything that resembles trolls in it. I suppose in some perverse way, this means that it fit's in quite well in the series. It is as proportionally less like 'Troll 2' , as 'Troll 2' is unlike 'Troll'. If you get my meaning. Let's quickly recap the plots
Troll: A troll enters a block of flats, and one by one turns each apartment into a magical woodland, and all the people into elves. A boy called Harry Potter learns magic (!) from a witch and attempts to save the day
Troll 2: A group of nasty vegetarian goblins attempt to lure unsuspecting humans to eat their green goo, in order to turn the people into vegetables to be eaten. A young boy and his dead grandpa attempt to save the day.
Troll 3: A town is attacked by a mass of evil radioactive tree roots, and as people are killed off, our heroes try to hide the nuclear waste and attempt to save the day.
Now to say that they all have nothing to do with each other would be a tad unfair. As you can see, there is a definite running theme of anti-vegetarianism/ environmentalism. Yes, in every movie it's all things natural that become the source of all the suffering.
Creepers, in the end, however, just doesn't live up to the standard set by it's predecessor. It is generally very dull, with awful acting, toy bulldozers, no SFX (with the exception of a tree root winding through someone's face). But the film does set up an interesting thought. Just exactly what would 'Troll 4' be like if it were to follow in the trend of this series?
So basically it would have to have fierce anti-plant themes to it, and leave some people in peril, who save the day by doing something ridiculous
I'm thinking flowers. A backward red neck town gets attacked by a gang of mutant sunflowers (or whatever), and the locals group together and make a plan to save the day by blocking out the sun, killing all forms of chlorophyll-induced life in the area
So there we have it Troll 4 in the making.
Oh, and back to troll 3, it's entertaining in a bad way, but don't expect a Troll 2 style masterpiece
Conclusion, Worth it, but only for completion purposes.
Can I just start by saying I'm a fan of bad movies. And this is a
really bad movie. It states on the front 100 passengers, 3000 snakes,
but I think it's more accurate to say 12 passengers and about 20
The snakes don't do anything particularly interesting, the whole movie in fact just blunders on with little happening. Although there is occasionally a great gore shot of pulsating arms and green goo puke (bad movies have to have green goo don't they?).
But then the ending comes along and will quite literally smack you off you seat in hysteria. and for that, this movie gets a boost up to a 2* rating.
There are certain movies about in the world that you will want to show to your friends, just so you can watch there reaction when a certain event happens in them.
For example The arrival of 'Big Man' in R Kelly's 'trapped in the closet' 'The LINE' in 'Shark Attack 3' (you'll know it when you hear it) The arrival of the mama shark in 'Shark Attack 3' Almost every scene of 'troll 2' The ending of 'Dracula 3000' (just for utter disbelief and confusion) and the end of this movie proudly sits in this category. It's worth sitting through just for that. So get drunk, stoned, whatever your poison is and watch this movie with some mates.
Quite simply, if you like bad movies, get this, but don't get it confused with 'Snakes on a plane' ... there's no relation.
And don't pay more than a fiver for it either ....
I had spent six months looking for this movie. This was for many
reasons.. partly because it's director was the executive producer of
'Troll 2', and the movie was made at around the same time, and party
because it was rumoured to have used one of the goblin costumes from
'Troll 2'. This I had to see.
The Quest for the mighty sword is a very interesting movie. Starring a barbarian called Ator, it is a 'Sword and Sorcery' movie with so many reasons that it should never have happened at all. TQFTMS is a culmination of almost a decade of bad movies. It is in fact the fourth movie in the 'Ator' quadrilogy. This series of movies is one that is amazing to have survived so long. The first one promotes incest, and Ator fights a giant spider. In the second he fights a giant sock puppet snake, and has a mute ninja partner called 'Thong'. By the time we get to the third, Ator has dyed his hair, grown a ponytail and gotten all arty, with scantly clad women dancing about, and very little spoken in the entire film. That'll be a new director for you. But the fourth movie, this is where the bad movie magic lives. Back with the original director (so soon? He'd only just left) but with a whole new actor for Ator, TQFTMS pulls out all the stops despite being the third lower budget sequel of an already low budget movie.
TQFTMS is the sort of movie that should win awards. It should win every kind of movie award you have never heard of. If I had a say in the Oscars, TQFTMS would be winning the following
**Best mis-leading title in a movie* It's called 'The Quest for the mighty sword'. But Ator Jr. finds the mighty sword, within the first half hour of the movie, under a rock IN THE CAVE THAT HE LIVES IN! Some 'Quest' that was. As for the rest of the plot, he wanders about randomly until he bumps into an ex-goddess that once tried to save his dad. After shacking up with the demigod, he wanders about randomly until he bumps into his long lost cursed mum. After fixing her, he wanders about randomly until he bumps into a god-king that kidnapped his demigod lover at some random point in the movie. After that, he wanders about randomly until he is declared complete winner of the movie. Then he just wanders about randomly, but happily ever after.
**Best 'Hot-pants on a Hero'* Not entirely sure what Ator was thinking with that one. But I know what I think . "He must work out"
**Best use of the same actor to play both father and son* So what, he's playing his seventeen year old son now? That's some acting range. It actually takes a bit of effort to work out that he is now a different character. Perhaps too much effort for a movie of this calibre.
**Best use of costume borrowed from directors other movies* For the actual use of a goblin costume from troll 2.
**Best use of the same costume for every goblin in a movie* For use of a goblin costume er, from troll 2.
**Best use of girlie laugh for a monster* And the Goblin from troll two scores a hatrick!
**Best incestuous use of costume ideas from movies with the same character.* Isn't that the iron warrior costume from the 3rd movie? did that director let you do that after what you said about his movie?
**Best use of the 'Hero dies in the first five minutes' plot twist* I never thought I'd see that twist in a movie. Brave story choices like that kind of makes you feel alienated towards Hollywood though.
**Best use of atmosphere destroying light hearted music to represent an evil character* Oh he can't believe it, four out of four, the goblin is Ecstatic!
**Best use of XXL T-shirt to create a Siamese two headed robot* This is the stupidest robot ever. For something that was described to Ator, as practically invincible, he outsmarts it pretty easily, the old 'duck below it's field of view and sneak up from behind' trick, I bet it had never seen that one before.
**Best use of monster costumes from entirely different movies* For the use of the Japanese Godzilla costume. They did change it significantly though, by covering it in snot.
But TQFTMS gets an honourable mention for the following This is a sword and sorcery flick. I'm thinking barbarians, kings, queens, castles, and perhaps the odd legendary monster. But to have the bar scene, full of aliens, neon lighting and pub-brawls the only thing that was missing was the blaster guns. Well done that movie! **Best use of the 'sleeping beauty' cliché in a movie.* Well, it had ripped off every other type of movie. I suppose the cartoon genre was the next obvious choice.
As you know, however, I unfortunately have no control over the Oscars (yet) and so TQFTMS will have to remain a little heard of, underdog to the big budget giants.
In Conclusion This is a movie that seems to be scraping the barrel for plot ideas. Our hero bumbles about, discovering one coincidental, yet random, event after another... and then it ends. With an absolute zero budget, Joe D'Amato thought far bigger than any sane man would, and used every corner cutting device to try and create and all action blockbuster. He failed miserably.
The first thing that needs to be said about this movie, is something
that should, and shall, be said about all Reb Brown movies. REB BROWN
RUNS LIKE A GIRL. There, I am glad I have got that out of the way. This
is something that is apparent from the word go in this movie. Yor
dramatically enters, and proceeds to skip across the desert, arm
flailing about, and generally he is looking like he has never ran
across rough terrain before. I sure this wasn't the intention. I'm
sure, that the intention was for Yor to come across as quite adept and
at home in this barren landscape. Equipped with nothing more than an
axe, a loincloth and a fantastic theme tune, I sure he was supposed to
appear to be some kind of natural hunter, at one with his surroundings
and senses. But unfortunately, as I have said before, REB BROWN RUNS
LIKE A GIRL.
That said, everybody should be like Yor. Everybody should have their own them tune. A theme tune that not only can inspire you to achieve great things in your life, but can also inspire those around you to become better people, and put their absolute trust in you. Yor's theme tune is great. It does all that a personal theme tune should do. It spontaneously burst into play whenever he does something slightly random, like killing a giant bat and using it as a hang glider, or performing fantastic trapeze stunts with an ageing, fat caveman who has man-boobs. But more about those incidents later.
Yor is a hunter. Quite what he hunts is a mystery to me. With this movie apparently set in Pre-historic times, surely everybody is a hunter, therefore making the term 'hunter' meaningless. Nonetheless, yor is a hunter. In this, his first and only movie, he quickly befriends the saggy old man, Pac, and a very clean cave woman called Kala. Together, they travel through prehistoric lands, accidentally destroying every single tribe, village or civillisation that they happen to come across. I mean all. Sorry to give that one away, but seriously. Yor is the cause of the destruction of no less than five tribes of people. Sometimes intensional, sometimes purely by accident. He is one of those people that you really would try your best to divert from your village. He is however, quite adept at killing mutated paper-mache dinosaurs. I say mutated, because they are quite simply like no dinosaurs I have ever seen, and react like no creatures I have ever heard of. The first being a cross between a stegosaurus and a triceretops, a tristegoceretops if you will. But after killing it, he does what every hunter would do, drinks it's blood, but as he so wisely puts it, "drinking the blood of your enemy makes you stronger". Then there is the giant bat. The most useful creature in his entire world. Not only does it fly past at just the right time, but this creature conveniently goes into instant rigour Mortis, even before it hits the ground. This allows Yor to use the said bat as a hang glider to fly into a cave, rescue Kala, and you guessed it, entirely wipe out the tribe that kidnapped her. Fantastic stuff.
This is a very interesting world, it has to be said.There are a few things that can be learnt from this movie. the first being you can make absolutely anything out of straw. Straw seems to be the most versatile substance in the entire world. Pac's bow and arrows are made from it, villages are entirely made from it, they even sail a boat made from straw. Which bring me to my next learning point, if you are planning to sail to a place called 'The island of Storms', don't do it in a straw boat. That really is just asking for trouble.
But it is at the island of storms that the movie takes an unexpected twist (at least it would be if the blurb on the back of the video box din't tell you the entire plot of the movie). The movie gets invaded by a completely different movie altogether. But not just any movie, it gets invaded by a cheap remake of Star Wars. Led by the 'Overlord' who is a dead ringer for the Emperor, and his team of robots, who are dead ringers for Darth Vader, they capture Yor and demand to take over the movie. Despite futile efforts to resist, Yor is eventually forced to submit to there demands and pick up his blaster rifle to continue the battle. Something which he learns to use confidently in a very short space of time. It is a skill he uses efficiently in his other movie, Space MUtiny, where he also RUNS LIKE A GIRL, SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL and generally acts ALL GIRLIE LIKE.
Okay, I've watched this movie twice now, I have researched it heavily
on the net, I have asked several people on there opinions. I have even
gone to the length of reading the original Sheridan Lafanu Classic
'Carmilla', a book that this movie is supposed to be based on. I feel
that the best way to review this movie is to describe a game to play
whilst watching it. As the plot of the movie doesn't seem to make any
sense at all, here is the plot of the book.
Laura lives in a castle in Syberia with her Father, Mr De Lafontaine. They carry on with their lives blissfully and peacefully. One day they get a letter from the 'General' a man who has made it his mission in life to avenge his daughters death. He makes claims of supernatural powers being at work, and explains that he will visit them soon. Meanwhile, a chance encounter with a strange woman results in the Lafontaines looking after her Daughter, Carmilla, for several months. Soon Laura starts to be overwhelmed by strange dreams, and begins to come down with a strange illness. Who is this mysterious Carmilla? And just what has she to do with Laura's condition, and the General?
I have invented this game and would like as many people as possible to play it, and let me know what their results are. I even have a catchy name, and would have a jingle too, but I can't be bothered with that. It's called the "this movie doesn't make any sense" game.
All you have to do is, whilst watching the movie, try to come up with a complete plot that explains what is happening. I mean complete, all questions answered, everything makes sense, absolutely complete.
It will have to answer such questions as ...
* Why can vampires walk around in day light?
* Why are they all lesbians?
* Why is a girl called Bob? and why does she shoot herself?
* When is the movie a dream and when is it real?
* Why does killing zombies appear to be an accepted part of life that doesn't make anyone bat an eyelid?
* Why does Travis Fontaine spot and run down a zombie without slowing down whilst driving his car, yet when faced with a woman with an obvious hostage in the back of her car, accept the excuse that she is a zombie too?
* And why does he then let a girl, which he later openly reveals that he knows is the head vampire, drive with him in his car?
* And then let her drive off, alone with his daughter in a stolen car?
What the hell is the asylum scene all about?
* What the hell is the green goo all about?
* Why does the head vampire suddenly start dressing like a nurse?
* Why are there never any vampires fighting Zombies?
* What is the significance of the necklace? what is it made of? why does it kill vampires? and how does Jenna know that?
In fact sod it, it's just as much fun trying to come up with as many questions about this movie too.
I have my plot, and I have to admit it is not quite there, but it is a pretty good effort.
'Vampires vs Zombies' has no moment in it where there are actually Vampires fighting Zombies. Everyone in the movie seems to know exactly what is going on, yet they seem very reluctant to let the audience in on this. And somehow it is based on a classic 19th century horror novel. How? Why? What the hell is going on?
Being an outdoor instructor I have had my fair share of ticks. The
thing is, I have been constantly amazed by the number of people who
don't even know what they are. So if you don't know, here it is. They
are little insects, about 2mm in size. As you walk through the hills or
woods of Britain, they jump on to you from passing foliage and crawl up
your leg / body. Then they try to find the darkest, warmest and
juiciest part of your body (hmm..yep, somewhere around THERE), bury
there heads inside you and drink your blood for a few days, before
dropping off and finding another food source. If you ask anyone who
spends a lot of time in the outdoors, it won't be long before you find
someone who has a tick story about a disturbing place they have found
one (or more ..). I have mine, but that's another story.
So anyway, the movie. Well, for starters, I feel that this show is somewhat stolen by the rather entertaining character 'Panic' (because he never panics apparently). He seems to be trying to be a bad-ass Gangster come eighties break-dancer throwback. Now this guy swears, threatens to kill geeky kids, plays basket ball on wasteland, has violent outbursts, throw axes and wears a trench coat and shades (some of the time). All in all, he sounds like a bit of a hard nut. that is until he spends half the movie wearing pyjamas, and no matter how much effort (and believe me, he puts in too much effort) he puts into his role, he will always be Carlton from the 'Fresh Price of Bel Air'. hmm.
The ticks themselves actually look like ticks. Except for the fact they are the size of your hand. But a movie about 2mm insects that suck blood out of your genitals wouldn't be that great a plot, and probably quite hard to sell to the movie companies. For a crap movie, though, the effects are pretty good. In fact, this movie is a little bit too good to be considered a real bad movie. But it's just too bad to be considered a good movie. Its one of those movies that float in the zone of watchable trash. Which is a shame. It had so much potential to be terrible.
Worth a watch just to see Carlton in the final scene, and for the quote "I'm infested!!"
The plot is simple. Ben Carpenter discovers a large tooth on an
underwater pipe. Using magical photoeditting technology, he posts it on
the net (just how was that camera attached to the computer? And how did
he get a photo instantly without the desk being in the background?)
only to attract the attention of the 'beautiful' paleontologist Cat
Stone. Through a web of lies and deception (hmm, a marine biologist
eh?) they join together to discover the owner of the tooth. Meanwhile,
people on the beaches begin to die.....
And there is THE LINE of course.
Here is a movie with a pretty low budget. But rather than admitting that they have a low budget and creating a nice gem of a movie, the filmmakers decided to think big. Real big. And to do this, they needed to cut some corners.But what does this mean? Well, our sixty foot extinct megalodon, is in fact made up of old documentary footage of Great Whites. And what Hollywood magic did they implement to make our shark look sixty foot long? Easy, super-impose little men and boats in it's mouth. Superb. It would definitely win the award for most inventive use of CGI and stock footage.
But that's not all. This is a movie with acting and dialogue so bad that I swear it was dubbed if their lips didn't sync. Speaking of dialogue, there is the infamous LINE. A pick up line that I feel every man should try once in his life. It worked in the movie, surely it must work down the pub? What else? I hear you cry out. Well, I'll tell ya, Did I mention THE LINE? The movie seems to have been directed by someone with the mentality of a teenage boy. Nearly all of the dialogue scenes involve plenty of scantily clad women wandering around in the background. You get a conversation happening between a fisherman, and a guy having sex. Just to make things even more bizarre, the fisherman seems to be completely unaware of the fact that the guy he is talking to is having sex at all. Perhaps his attention is caught up with the fact his 8ft fish has just been bitten in half. There are plenty of Up-skirt shots included too as the ocean liner gets attacked by the shark (yes you have read that right) Oh, and did I mention THE LINE? In Conclusion
This is it. The movie that started the obsession. It was at a time in
my life when movies were getting dull. Comedies were easy watching, but
just never made me actually laugh. Blockbusters were great, but getting
too long, so I never watched one more than once. There was a hole in my
movie watching life, that needed filling. Then came along Troll 2. I
never knew a bad movie could be so magical.
Let's start with a general overview of the plot. The Wait family go on holiday to the quaint backward village of 'Nilbog' (clever that) but unbeknown to them, it is actually the Goblin kingdom. Lucky for them, however, all the Goblins are vegetarians, and so are repulsed with the idea of eating humans. Or are they? No, for you see, rather than eating vegetables, like most vegetarians seem to enjoy, the Goblins would rather change the humans into a green goo, and then eat that. It's up to Joshua and his dead grandpa to save the day.
Now Joshua seems to know the score right from the start. Being a kid, an annoying one at that, nobody seems to believe a word he says. So together, Joshua and his Grandpa Seth think of ingenious ways to stop the goblins. For example, during the longest thirty seconds ever (somewhere in the region of one minute twenty-six) Joshua is faced with the problem of how to stop his family from eating the evil goblin vegetative matter. I won't explain what he does, but needless to say, his father explains it well enough, "You can't p**s on hospitality". I'm assuming that is the same hospitality that later involves the entire town breaking into their house when they aren't there and having a party.
In case you hadn't gathered, Troll 2 has a severe anti-vegetarian theme. Broth contains "the concentration of all the vegetable properties of the earth", or a nice green cake is made "with wild nettles and a few organic additives to make it delicious and purify the intestines". This is all described by the Evil 'Eyebrows' Goblin Queen with the most sinister voice she could muster up. In fact vegetarianism is not only made to sound extremely sinister and evil, but is also equated with the church of Satan (the Evil 'Eyebrows' Goblin Queen's house). To be honest, everybody has been thinking it for years, it's about time someone was bold enough to stand up and say it. And that was nearly twenty years ago. You can't deny that the writers of troll 2 were way ahead of their time on that one.
Speaking of Evil 'Eyebrows' Goblin Queen's house, I am brought to a point regarding two of the characters. After being attacked in the woods by group of goblins, they very smartly run away. I can't agree, however, that their decision to seek refuge in the first house they saw was a good one. That house being a satanically converted church, complete with up-turned crosses, burning torches, and bizarre camera angles. This is the most obviously evil building that has ever been built. I'm sure it wouldn't take much more searching to find a nice pleasant residential area. I suppose they were probably pretty desperate. The owner of the 'house' turns out to resemble a cross between your mental Aunt Petunia who has a fetish for cats and a Goth with animated eyebrows and scurvy. Desperate or not you would certainly be suspicious of the strange smoking broth you are offered.
Not only does the movie preach anti-vegetarianism, but also has a subtle anti-Irish theme running throughout. For you see the Goblins all have a "mole the shape of a clover leaf". Again, something that everybody has been thinking for years, but only the writers of troll 2 have been bold enough to say it out loud.
This is a movie that you could write a dissertation on. There is so much I haven't mentioned here, and don't have the space too (I don't want to bore people too much. But here is a quick list of things to watch out for when (yes, when) you watch it,
* backwards hand goggle dance
* felt tip freckles
* the 'cup' of nilbog ice-cream
* the casio keyboard sound track
* an abundance of green goo
* popcorn sex!
* No Trolls!
* Coffee The Devils Drink!
* Sexual repression turning you into a homo!
* Tightening your belt loop one notch to avoid hunger pains!
* talking directly to the camera!
* double Bologna sandwich!
* The power of Goodness!
* Tree people!
* Sheriff Gene Freak!
This is the only movie I have heard of that is repeatedly described as an infectious disease. Once you see it, you will want to spread it around, make sure as many people can see it as possible. Only the power of goodness can defeat this movie. The best bit is, it's available on Amazon for just a couple of quid! Woo-Hoo!
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