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Jason Bourne (2016)
Flogging a Dead Horse.
At some point there is only enough you can take of different crusty old men doing nefarious things in high places before it starts to become redundant.
This movie could just have easily have been a Tom Cruise - or some other action star's movie.
There was a serious lack of chemistry between the actors, with the exception of Alicia Vikander/Matt Damon/Julia Stiles.
Weathered Tommy Lee Jones gives a lackluster and disinterested performance, often looking like he'd rather be doing something else.
Vincent Cassel toned down his usual bad guy act a bit for this role, but he wasn't given much to work with to begin with. And once again - zero chemistry with Matt Damon.
Also - glaring plot hole about Joan Allen's character Pamela Landy in the scheme of things.
Overall - yes, Matt Damon is back with his resident group of the same old bad guys, yes, he travels to several different countries, and yes, it does have lots of action and shaky camera work but at the end of the day it is a repetitive and completely unnecessary addition to a fantastic franchise that should have ended with Ultimatim.
Rent-a-Fake-Fish - on a Stick!
It was like a cheap home movie a few 12 year old's could make in their back yard:
- The entire movie is 6 (supposedly) 18 year old's afraid of a fake rubber fish with Nosferatu teeth while "stranded" in the middle of a lake.
- The fish is so cheap looking that it's laughable! Except, this isn't supposed to be a comedy. They impale the fish with a broken oar and for the rest of the movie it looks like a diver is swimming underneath said fish holding into the stick to maneuver it around the lake.
- From this point on I was expecting the "teenagers" (yeah, right - they looked more like 29 year old's!) to grab the stick, capture the rent-a-fish, swim to shore and toss it on the grill and have a party. But while that was wishful thinking, it would have made a better story line than what was to follow in this failure of a film.
- Oh, and Nosferatu Fish is afraid of a charm necklace - with a tooth on it. (groan).
- Bad camera angles, bad lighting, water droplets on the camera lens. In some scenes you couldn't see the actors faces properly so any emotion they were trying to convey was lost.
- The worst acting I've seen in years. Don't be surprised if you never see most of these actors ever again.
- The dialog is so bad that during one "emotional" scene it looked as if one of the actors was so embarrassed he was laughing when he was supposed to be crying.
- Everyone is in danger so you expect people to die. But the characters are so annoying you can't wait for them to die!
- There was not one redeeming factor in this train wreck. Not a single scary moment. No real suspense. No real fear. No likable characters. No relatable characters. No terrifying monsters.
You can't even say it was so bad it was entertaining or campy. It's just so bad it's bad.
The Curse of Oak Island (2014)
The Lagina Brothers - not the sharpest tools in the shed
This show is a pretty bad comedy - you'll spend 40 minutes each week watching the unbearably boring Lagina brothers rushing all over the island like idiots and wasting the History Channel's money, along with repetitive flashbacks and explanations. Save yourself some time and watch the last ten minutes when the Bros. recap and talk about quitting.
Nothing shown here can be taken seriously. It's obvious that if someone buries "treasure" they won't take the time to create an elaborate multi-level setup with booby-traps that no one could ever access and then leave an "X marks the spot" clue! It's laughable!
But then, the History Channel is famous for creating ridiculous fantasy shows - ever see the hysterically funny Ancient Aliens? Real history is so rich and there is so much material that I can't fathom why they continue to develop these absurd fantasy spectacles instead.
It's obvious that absolutely nothing is buried on this island, except for the Lagina Bros. desperate dreams.
Must Love Dogs (2005)
An incredibly weak, predictable, drab and forced comedy. Hollywood loves churning out this contrived and unoriginal garbage. In fact, I'm surprised Jennifer Aniston wasn't in the lead role. It's exactly her kind of movie.
A little into the story, I groaned and said said to my fellow viewers "I'll bet they are going to break into a pretend, warm and fuzzy family group-hug song at some point." And guess what? It happened! It was mortifying. It's especially bad when the actors look uncomfortable doing it and you can tell that they know they are filming a sure-fire flop.
John Cusack looked like he'd rather be somewhere else - zero chemistry with Diane Lane. It must have been a paycheck for him. Unfortunately, that's happened with a lot of his movies in the past 10 or more years.
Dracula's Guest (2008)
This movie is SO bad that I can barely stop laughing! The worst accents, acting, costumes, soundtrack, oh, and the dumb and dumbest storyline anyone could ever conceive of! In some scenes you could see LA in the background, and even hear the traffic! The chubby guy who plays Dracula looks more like he'd be I interested in eating a slice of pizza than impregnating Elizababeth, which is apparently the only point of this otherwise pointless movie... As a prior reviewer said, this movie is like cheesy porn without the porn... The most hilarious and cringe-worthy scene is when Dracula is lying on top of Elizabeth after implanting her with his 'demon seed' and she says "I will thrust myself on a ?? (gate of??) spikes!" I initially thought she said "ancient spike" - sorry, the accent was so bad I couldn't make it out! Anyway, the thought of Dracula as an 'ancient spike' is probably right. Elizabeth: "He planted the seed of the beast within my body" Bram: "I will tear him limb from limb!" Enough said.
Rupert's Land (1998)
A Pointless Waste of Time
This movie makes Canadians and Brits out to be asinine, moronic idiots. The men get stoned/drunk, and then they yell/beat each other up in almost every scene. The women are superfluous to the story I do not understand what they are there for they spend every scene causing a ruckus, or worse, milling around like mesmerized cattle. Apparently, Canadian women are either quarrelsome vulgar tramps or hulking hippie chicks. It's the standard knocked-up girlfriend, her loser boyfriend and his wicked mother ludicrousness that we have seen in countless movies before.
Every character here is a carping, infantile stereotype. Not to mention that they all looked like they need a shower! And the idea of any kind of scene implying sex with George Wendt shudder is enough to make anyone gag! I watched the movie because Samuel West was in it but I cannot understand why he would have accepted a role like this. Maybe he needed the money. Ian Tracey is a superb actor - the only one with a vague redeeming moment, but his talent is wasted here.
As for the rest of the plot the three imbeciles trying to get their dope back yawn - or Karl who is dead, but who is actually a character very much alive in the minds of those left behind (almost like Rebecca in Alfred Hitchcock's masterpiece although I am ashamed to even have thought to compare these two films), why even bother? Karl is so galling that you find the circumstances of his death gratifying.
By the end of this wretched movie, I thought they would all have been better off going down with him on that boat!