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a clockwork orange
worst movie i have ever seen : POCKET NINJAS.
okay so i saw pitch black and chronicles probably when i was around 10 and 13 respectively. i saw them both once and i thought they were fine, nothing special. but still after chronicles i never expected them to make a sequel, and now riddick's here after about a decade. the short version : it's dumb as hell. starts out with a tie in with chronicles, diesels become the king of a empire and he instantly gets betrayed and kicked off a cliff in a deserted alien-infested planet. diesel proceeds to hit random animals in the head with a club for about a half hour until bounty hunters show up. he jacks some vital ship components than buries them. then just walks up to the hunters trying to negotiate, and he gets captured. a rain storm hits and pitchblack-type creatures appear and so they have to go grab the components. that's pretty much the entire movie. the dialog is garbage, complete with a crap narration from vin diesel. it relies heavily on cgi so all of the creatures look cartoonish, most of the action is humans killing said creatures which leads to an abundance of cgi blood and gore. the acting is pretty solid considering the material, and i will have to admit i didn't think the movie was boring. it's just not worth the $12.50 price of admission, hell i wouldn't even recommend it on cable unless your a huge fan of the first two. it's laughable at best.
''Worst Movie of All Time'
I watched this a few months ago and randomly stumbled unto the IMDb page. first of all this movie doesn't deserve a 4.4, its at least a 5.5 in my book. so than i check the reviews and let me just state the summaries of the five most recent reviews; "Worst Movie of All Time", "Below "C" category", "Uneeded Sequel", "Unkind To Actors", and "The worst special effects one can imagine". this is by no means a good movie or an example of quality filmmaking, simply put it's a fast paced comic book movie. now up until Disney bought marvel, most comic book movies were terrible. look at the dolph lundgren punisher, its stupid as hell but its a spectacle of ridiculous over the top action. ghost rider 2 made absolutely no sense to me, but i'm not a fan of the comics and i did not watch the first movie. i also wasn't expecting the writing to be dark knight quality, if you haven't noticed David s goyer is a terrible story teller. basically all thats here is a bunch of shoot outs, car chases, explosions, and nicolas cage thrown into a blender. there's no character development, and no memorable one liners, just action. with all that said, was ghost rider 2 is a painless sit. it's not groundbreaking, nor is it impressive, it's just another pg13 action movie. the strength of the film is probably its energetic style, which i credit to the crank guys. when one action set piece is over with they'll just go right into the next one. nicolas cage isn't at a new low in this, he carries this piece of s**t across the finish line. the other actors are on auto-pilot but who can blame them when the script obviously sucks and gives them nothing to do. in short, ghost rider 2 is an entertaining mess. the biggest problem is it really doesn't make any sense, but screw it i wasn't watching this for plot. if your with a few friends completely fried at 3am and ghost rider 2s on, first look for something smart and if that fails go ahead and give it a chance.
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
a river of feces
i pretty much hated this movie. its a prison movie, so plot is basically Tim robins gets framed than raped and eventually escapes. Morgan freeman is locked up and i don't know he just acts like a kid in this. i understand he's suppose to be locked up since he was a teen but really he's giving the same performance here as his role as god in Bruce almighty. even though he's miscast he honestly carries the movie, mainly because Tim robins does nothing in this movie. some other subplots include Tim teaching some idiot to read or something, some old guy hangs himself, they deck a roof,freeman sneaks in a hammer and robins makes chess pieces, i'll stop the the point i'm making is this movie is excruciatingly boring. number one on IMDb, are you kidding me? even from a technical standpoint this movie blows. everything is just dull and unimpressive, hell it looks more like a TV movie than a film. i'd describe the tone of this as Disney's take on jail movies. it's to concerned with being safe and classy to accurately represent prison life. everyone's favorite part of this is the ending, and that sucked too. Tim robins apparently escapes prison with a rock hammer, after digging through his cell wall for like twenty years. his hiding place is a poster? really? to make matters more hilarious he has crawls through a tunnel of poop and emerges from a poop lake in a failed attempt to move the audience. Morgan freeman gets paroled by basically insulting the judges, than he goes to a rock in some random place that Tim told him to visit, and than goes to Mexico and finds Tim on a boat. reunited and roll credits, oh yeah Morgan freeman also married his step- granddaughter. that's the dumbest ending ever written. there's so much better stuff you could be watching instead of shawshank like porn or riki-oh.
That's My Boy (2012)
its boring, unoriginal, and not funny at all.
okay so get this, adam sandler banged his teacher back when he was 13 and had a baby. he was a *h*t father and the kid distances himself and gains success and is engaged. sandler shows up to f*c* his life up once again, and that's all there is to it. this movie felt like American wedding, wedding crashers, and meet the parents rolled into one giant *h*theap. this thing clocks in at like 2 hours, and it's a hell of a *u*c*in sit. it's only purpose is to deliver gross out chuckles. andy samberg f*c*s a wedding dress than vomits on it, than his fiancé licks jizz off of it. pretty funny right? the punchline of the movie is that the fiancé f*c*s her brother. drug abuse is more productive than watching this movie.
Halloween II (2009)
(this review concerns the directors cut of Halloween 2, although I'm pretty sure the other verison(s?) are equally terrible) Halloween 2 is a f**king headache put onto film. The script is a absolute joke, the first 20 or so minutes are Lauri walking in a f**kin hospital and getting chased by Michael. Oh and guess what its a f*cking dream. Halloween 2 begins with a f**king plot twist. I could not bring myself to like any of the characters whatsoever, they're all f*cking annoying and i wanted them to die. If Lauri wasn't annoying enough in the remake, she just b**ches and moans throughout this one. Zombie even managed to utterly destroy the character of Loomis, he completely denies the fact that Michael is alive on all levels, whereas he should be the only one concerned that he's alive. The plot is even more clichéd then say the 5th halloween, its a year after the events of the remake and Lauri just gets drunk, and get's everyone around her killed. She goes a lame ass party, and her friends that host the party get killed, than Michael kidnaps her. The directors cut has a different ending but oh my god was i ever laughing so hard. If you think this is a waste of time so far, it ends with Michael getting shot to death(he falls and thats it.), than Lauri pulls out a knife and gets shot to death. Wow, really? F*ck Halloween 2, i'd rather watch pocket ninjas.
Grown Ups (2010)
The Grownups is, to me, a sad film. What's presented here is several comedian actors, failing to do anything even remotely funny. the jokes are f*cking terrible, the acting is cookie-cutter at best, and overall its just f*cking dull. Watching this is kind of like watching standup on amateur night, everything feels forced and despite the fact that it never once induces laughter. I dunno about these other guy's screenings(i'm pretty sure every other review here is bullsh*t), but when i saw it the audience was practically dead, near the ending there was snoring coming from behind my seat. the only good thing about this movie is that martin lawrence isn't in it. predictable trash with forced jokes and a generally sh*tty story, this movie failed to entertain me on all levels, therefore i give it a one. stay the f*ck away from this mess of a film
this movie pwns
Picked out solely by its generic DVD title, 'Warriors Two', i was pleasantly surprised by this film. The first arc, aka the story, is pretty much forgettable. The rest of the movie, is pretty much fight scenes, and training scenes where the student gets the fu*k beaten out of him. Once the fight scenes start happening, this movie doesn't let up much, just constant people beating the sh*t out of each other, its pretty awesome. The fight styles and whatnot are bad-ass as expected, the acting good, the stunt-work is great, cinematography isn't that bad either. A awesome action film with a somewhat slow start, worth a watch for sure.
Saw VI (2009)
After walking out of the theater, i said to myself, 'I'm never going to another saw movie again'.
This movie is just flat out stupid. The script is laughable, the acting f**king sucks, it relies on flashbacks, the plot is so disjointed that it leaves the viewer like 'eh...whatver.'. Saw 6 is pretty much a joke and the entire theater cracked up at its sheer utter failure. Saw 6 has the same feeling as a movie you'd find on the sci-fi channel at midnight, everything about it sucks. It's boring and isn't really scary or gory.
It does start out, completely awesome though. I have to give it points for that, the first 10 minutes are so absurd its beautiful. I'll just tell you what happens because i seriously don't encourage paying for a ticket. Basically it starts out with the tiresome 'opening' saw trap, we have two people, they have to cut pieces from their bodies and put them onto this scale, the most weight sacrificed survives. It's this fat guy and normal sized girl, the fat guy stabs open his stomach and just starts ripping out his intenstes out and while screaming, the girl struggles to do anything but eventually cut's her arm off with a clever and puts it on the scale. She wins with a arm over a fat guy's innards(he pulls out quite a lot), how realistic. Then immediately after that we have a flashback from another movie of someone getting mutilated, then it shows the doorknob abortion from saw 4(they actually show this clip in flashback form around 4 times.). So at a first glance this movie is completely violent and random and could be a good laugh riot, unfortunately the realization sets in, this movie is so stupid that it fails to be entertaining. We follow Hoffman, who is played by Costas Mandylor, as he goes through life as a two face, detective/jigsaw-guy. This guy is pretty much a completely unlikable character, and mandylor gives a pretty bssic performance. Between all the predictable madness to come, we have constant flashbacks of Tobin bell. Seriously, you've been dead for 3 movies, go away. He give's a half a**ed performance, he says a few lines than disappears, repeat about 5 times.Oh yeah the saw scenario in this installment is a f**cking joke.
Basically this insurance agent who refused coverage for jigsaw in the past (we see flashbacks of this, usually repeating each other, for probably about 6 minutes total) is picked as main contestant. He wakes up in a trap with some random civilian you never hear about ever (or even know if he deserves to die), that crush's the trapped's ribs every time they breath, whoever outlives the other wins. Then he just goes looking around and nothings happening, we are cut too this mom/son in a cage, and this girl the agent had a affair with in a cage. What's the purpose of this? well i wont spoil it for you, but they're pretty much entirely useless until the very last 3 minutes of the movie. He eventually gets ahold of two chains in one hand each, if he lets one go a person will die and the other will be safe, so he chooses between a old lady with a family and some random no name with no background... Seriously, when did they just start killing random people as part of the traps, they aren't part of any game, they depend on another's actions, where's the justice in that. The agent just continues to go on this path of traps deciding other's lives, and usually nothing happens.
I hated this movie, In the seat i was extremely dumbfounded to the point where my mouth was open. Do not see this movie, it's easily the worst saw to date. Nothing happens, barely any plot is forwarded, its EXTREMELY predictable, actings absolute rubbish, dialog/script's just a downright broken, the editing is UWYHURHUNEHJUERUGHJUERGJUERGER, and it could have been gorier. I was severely disappointed with this movie and wished i had not spent the money and time for it. The opening 10 minutes are classic, but the rest of the film is just stupid. All the characters are unlikable, the victims in the game are annoying as ****, i'm just going to stop now. This movie is ****ing terrible.
Super High Me (2007)
Decent, but not really worth the time.
After being told to watch this by various of my stoner friends, i decided to watch it on youtube. This film is a joke turned documentary, a parody of Super Size Me but with cannabis instead of MC Donald's. What i expected was to watch this guy smoke tons of weed and cover subjects related to it, both of which are seldomely met. The truth is, Super High Me consists mostly of Doug Benson stand up act. So for the majority, we just get jokes about being high with a pointless celebrity appearance here and there, with very little concerning the legislation of cannabis. The main point is this, watching someone be sober for 30 days, then be stoned for 30 days, isn't exactly what i'd call entertainment or quality film-making.
There's only about 3/4 tests. One for psychic ability (is there a point?), One for SAT scores, One for Sperm Count, and one for basic intelligence i guess you'd say. Each of these are covered with about 30-40 seconds of screen time, twice in the movie, so your obviously not getting a lot of information for the majority. This movie pretty much just glamorizes California throughout, cause thats the subject most covered. Yes they have dispendencys with different types of pot, yes they have DEA take downs, and yes they have medical mary jane. I covered that in a, probably grammar incorrect, sentence. Here, its covered for about 12-18 minutes, very boring. And for a movie called Super High Me, i expected to see way more usage. There's a surprising lack of content, and as i said before, the majority of the movie is his stand up act.
The actual production is pretty limited. Basically a guy follows Doug around with a camera, not much else, no interview shots are planned or anything like a normal documentary, the only shot setups i really noticed are those of his stand up act, so pretty much its just a guy with a camera filming people talking. No questions are really asked, instead we just have stoners talking about gibberish regarding pot (Although that pot prince guy was pretty hilarious). The sound balance is uneven, at times music will play and render a speaker inaudible. The interviewees don't exactly have any significance, at one point one there is Brian Posehn, who just eats his burger, doesn't say crap, and the scene ends, and also one with his co-star Sarah Silverman, just taking some type of rip from some type of vaporizer, the guitarists of janes addiction is there playing some chords not saying a thing, the scene ends. This is pretty much proof that someone in the crew has to be sober for a movie to be good.
So pretty much all you have here is stand up, which at times, is actually pretty funny. The actual focus of the documentary, isn't exactly 'focused'. Stoners just aren't that interesting, they smoke pot, and sit back and be lazy, thats about it. I'm a pothead who smokes pretty damn often, and i wasn't exactly impressed. Smoke a blunt and watch something a little bit more worthwhile like half baked or harold and kumar, this isn't really a entertaining or groundbreaking documentary. If your really interested in the effects and culture of cannabis, check out bbc's show Should I Smoke Dope, its pretty much what this should have been.
Little Nicky (2000)
Funny....when i was 7.
*Sigh*, looking through my VHS collection and biting the bullet to re-watch this piece of sh*t was the easy part. Within the first 3 minutes you already know what your in for, a peeping tom dies and goes to hell to get humped by a actor dressed like a big bird, meanwhile 'I'm your boogie man' is playing in the background. We're introduced to Nicky who 'jams' with some large random weapon, his dad's assistant is basically used as the introduction to the plot, his dad (the devil), played by Harvey Keitel for some odd reason, is making the decision on who should be his successor for then next 10,000 years. It never explains why someones 'in office' for 10,000 years but there's not much need to care anyways. He also remarks on how Nicky was pretty until his brother hit him in the face with a shovel, foreshadowing his brothers as the antagonists. Basically, his dad declares himself ruler for another 10,000 years and Nicky's 2 brothers go to earth freezing the gate to hell, thus causing the devil to die for some reason(?), Keitel's finger falls off and Nicky starts his journey to return his brothers to hell.
Probably about 10 minutes in now, the first thing that sticks out, is Sander. Sandler, while acceptable in just about all his other movies to this date (excluding that one where he's on a boat.), he's f*cking terrible in this. No words can explain how bad his performance is, its shallow, its half-a*sed, its not funny, its just ridiculously awful. To quote another disappointing movie, the ringer, 'I've seen better acting in porno'. As a whole, the supporting cast is also terrible. Nicky's sidekick i guess you'd say is a talking pit-bull glances at a doorstep that says 'i love acting' on it, he pis*es on it and says 'you love acting, well i love pis*ing', and to make matters even more mind numbingly awful the pis* is cgi'd obviously. Oh thats the next thing, the effects and production. This paragraphs dedicated to acting so let me get back on track. Usual members from the happy Madison gang are here, i've spotted like 4 people that are also in grandmas boy, and other crap flicks like the animal and Mr deeds and crap. Performances are half a*sed too, at most times secondary actor just read a line or two devoid of emotion or any form of acting. One standout role though is Quinton Tarantinos cameo as a blind preacher who appears about 3 times, other then that, nothing.
The production is awful. Hell looks, for lack of a better and less offensive term, retarded. There is around 3 sets I've noticed. Nickys room, the entrance to hell, and the (INSANELY BOTCHED) throne. Nicky's room is literally covered in stickers of heavy metal bands, problem is, i counted like over 9000 Ozzy stickers and one big metallica one, obviously the set designers know nothing about metal, nor the crew/cast. The throne is just like a mass hall, except the size of a small house basement, there's nothing that resembles artistic detail at all, it'd pass for a normal room to me. the gates also stupid, there's some rock like walls and a cheap frozen fire effect for the gate it self, no effort seemed to be used. the sad thing is, the gate is easily the most used. The rest of the sets on earth are one apartment room, a basketball stadium thing(I'm not a sports fan.), a park shoot, and the rest is all sidewalks. Oh yeah hell breaks loose by the end, and the sets turn into cgi awfulness, its so awful that by that point i went on my laptop and started chatting. The CGI is as awful as you'd expect from 1999/2000, but...its used throughout the whole movie. in fact all the special effects in the movie were cgi i noticed, of abysmal quality.
Last thing i'm going to rant about is the script, 'What we're they thinking!?' - avgn. Its a comedy, to be a 'good' comedy, it has to be funny. Unfortantly it isn't, its like a stream of half baked jokes like Nicky spinning his head around to entertain his friends (Oh he's doing the exorcist thing, thats pure comedy.), and Satan sticking a pineapple up Hitler's a*s. At a glance, you'r still likely to ask to your self, 'whats the point.'. The plot it self is rubbish. If two brothers out of hell for some reason make the devil have 'a week' to live, wouldn't another one shorten his life span even more thus making his coming to earth a bad idea. The brothers deceiving the humans is also like 'wut?'. They possess a minister and tell everyone 'let the Sin, be-Gin', to which a completely packed church gets out of their seat and everyone starts cheering. Yeah, thats very likely to happen. These parts are somewhat spaced out, because until like the last 20 minutes, Nicky does nothing but walk around, and do nothing. None of the jokes are funny, the plot is literally insane, its lost in its own continuity also.
i'm not going to spell check this review cause i feel that the movie sucked so bad that it's not worth the time of what i've already written. It sucks, it sucks even on a Adam Sander level. Its not funny, its not entertaining, its just downright lame. Bad script, bad acting, bad story, bad production, bad just about everything. To the mind of a child, its acceptable, but for a audience over 12 (The movies rated pg13 by the way.), its damn near worth destroying. I wouldn't watch this movie again if i were paid too, even for a million, i'd rather have my dignity.