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A highly entertaining almost non-violent western
7 February 2017
Childish? Goofy? OTT? Yes, so what? It's about two clownish fellows travelling through the Wild West who have to take care of a little girl on the run. It's got plenty of ridiculous songs and crazy performances. The Dean Reed character is very watchable, Red Cowboy at his best.

It's a perfect family film with tons of goofy happenings (the brawl in the saloon, the fat couple behaviour, the scene with two pythons in the bedroom, the speedy running about, the cheap musical performances with catchy tunes and kitschy make up, the crooks' moronic stance, etc.).

Of course if my mood is different and tending to adult violence on screen, my choice will be "Wild Bunch" or "Unforgiven", which you can hardly label "goofy".

But if you feel blue being on the verge of a breakdown with a loaded gun in your trembling hand, give "Sing Cowboy Sing" a shot. Most likely, it will go smoothly down your throat and makes you much happier, scaring all your suicidal thoughts away.

Verdict: the movie is a funny, quick, bright, and childish western for those who enjoy the PG extravaganza and who is still a child in his/her heart. Count me in, my mark is a rock-solid 9 out of 10 (maybe a few tweaks would make it a total 10). Thanks for attention.
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LazyTown (2002–2016)
"Lazy Town" is unique, groovy and decent
26 January 2017
The Sportacus guy is MAGNanimoUS (a new word in my vocabulary, thanks to this TV program and the actor, since his name is "Magnus"), who never uses violence, though he could have kicked Rotten's backside up to the Moon a thousand times, you bet. How many superheroes are there who are like this? Cannot name any other yet.

His sidekickess with an acid hairstyle is the embodiment of joy and happiness that only kids can show off. Witnessing her face expressions makes me happy too. At least to some minor extent.

The villain Rotten is simply outstanding. His melodramatic actions are very cute and not rotten at all. My sick modernized and urbanized mind would think of real nasty things to trigger against the goofy Lazy Town residents and this so-called villain goes as far as some simply outrageous kidstuff that makes him himself look like a complete idiot.

If somebody tries to dig up sexual innuendoes here, then this somebody is spoilt and mutilated by today's sex-pop Madonna/Britney/Gaga (un)culture, being unable to accept that a much better world still exists. Don't think that it's not my problem as well. My taste is also damaged deeply by today's foul pop standards. And the real value of Lazy Town was not clear to me at first sight. But then it struck me like a fission bomb.

Finally, you can feel it in the air that the actors are loving the process of shooting the whole thing. The way they dance, sing, make faces, jump, rock and roll is something so pleasant to the eye. They make it easy and catchy.

For me personally, it would be a pleasure to shake hands with the actors of this good old show. They have managed to create something pleasant to the eye and ear and so, pardon me, innocent. Something that you can watch with the whole family and get only positive impressions. Good work. Cannot dance together with the show staff while watching (or my whole little room will fall apart), therefore prefer to enjoy this extravaganza lying on the sofa like a lazy resident of Lazy Town. Some episodes are not very entertaining though. Therefore...

A very good mark for this one, 7 out of 10. Thanks for attention.
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Wild Palms (1993– )
A deceiving, underdeveloped high-tech
8 October 2016
Warning: Spoilers
It starts well, goes on quite good for a certain time and then deteriorates at an incredibly fast pace, falling as low as an unimpressive sweet-sweet ending for softies. Comparing it to "Twin Peaks" is misleading. This tricky comparison led me to watching it and to regret it badly. To start with, this product as a whole looks like a Britney Spears music video (no offence to the diva - she's OK, bombastic and quite cute). In the end "Wild Palms" gives you a candy bar with a happy smile: "Suck on it and be happy, people have won, the revolution goes all right, all creeps and tycoons have been properly punished and before us, common people, is happiness and joy only; relax, there will be a party tonight, everybody who owns a luxury car is invited, the drinks are on the house!" "Twin Peaks" was something different. It was teasing the viewer during its run, lurking in the shadows, kicking the viewer in the butt now and then (the ghost punches were also common) and on top of that it destroyed even the slightest possibility of a sugary finale. "That's foul!" you say? Yes, but if it's done artistically, with proper ideas behind these numerous kicks and punches, there is a reliable reward when it's all over. Here is the difference between a genuine masterpiece and a pop culture show-off.

Were there any problems before the final part in "Twin Peaks"? You bet. "Twin Peaks" had also a couple of over-the-top moments but "Twin Peaks" was always walking the fine line between the true horror and an easy-going drama, always ready to amaze. It hit and run, it delivered its weird moments perfectly and with style. Many "Twin Peaks" characters were easy on the outside and creepy inside. It's vice versa in "Wild Palms". The characters are flashy and super-serious on the outside but soon you don't care for them, while they are one-dimensional, like cardboard heroes; the crowds of holiday-makers with slogans, some revolutionary chick with a bomb and a hoot (something like "We fight for freedom!"), cheap CGI (by the way, in "LawnmowerMan" the CGI was - and still is - haunting), etc. - it all adds to the flashy but juvenile picture of "Palms". Boring talks of boring characters in acid surroundings, some swimming pool is used as an entrance to the secret organization of freedom-fighters (isn't that kidstuff?).

There is only regret: instead of re-watching a couple of decent Oliver Stone flicks from the past, my time was annihilated by this trash that started off so well...

Can recommend this failure to teenagers only, while it's flashy, pretentious, seriously didactic like "Matrix Reloaded/Revolution" with bits of explosions, gunplay, lounge music, sexy dames, and eye-gouging. Oh, and there is a katana in one of the scenes. Wow, isn't that groovy? A 3 out of 10 for this serial, which could have been a 10 out of 10 and could have become a rival to "Twin Peaks" but turned out to be what it is – a "pop-popsy" sci-fi.
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Too phony to be enjoyed as much as "Predator" or "Alien"
6 October 2016
Warning: Spoilers
Good sides Location. The whole story happens on the train. It's peculiar. Remember "Blood" (the video game)? The most thrilling level (my opinion) was on the train that was running through the darkness. Music. It's impressive. Actors. They are grand and gorgeous. All the ladies and gentlemen are hoity-toity from top to toe. Cossacks. To witness this kind of cliché (in costumes and behaviour) is entertaining.

Bad sides Cossacks. Yes, they are in a bad one too. They are not just funny but pathetic too. And they are speaking English which makes them unrealistic (couldn't they hire real Russian actors with minimum lines and maximum show-off?). Russian characters here DO look fake. Western audience will not notice it probably.

Ugly sides Words. Too much explanation near the ending (by the beast itself). It spoils the enigma of the initial scary moments. Too many words in a horror flick should be avoided. And making speeches about the terror from the outer space is boring. Fake monk. Absolutely unrealistic and loony monk. Instead of battling the beast he kneels before him asking for power, but in the beginning of the movie he acts like a prophet. His way of behaviour and looks are very unorthodox for an orthodox priest (too much make up is used by the actor, by the way), so the director shouldn't have put him in the movie (or at least on the train) at all to keep this feature running in the right direction. In "Exorcist" the priest is credible and perhaps that is why that cinema became a worthy classic. And do you remember the priest in "Prince of Darkness"? He is depicted as a buffoon too. Can't put "a worthy classic" tag on it too.

Verdict: being very well polished on the outside (costumes, music, scenery), the cinema is shallow in its impact upon the viewer, mostly due to unrealistic characters. And there is not a single tough screen guy or a memorable lady to rely on or to sympathize with - just cannon fodder.

Sorry for this sketchy comment, much is left to be added still.

The IMDb rating for this one is OK, - a 5 out of 10 from my side. Thanks for attention.
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Suchîmubôi (2004)
Cannot give it an awful mark but it's pretty close
24 September 2016
While reading quite a few negative lines about the silliness and shallowness of "Najica", picked up this one – "Suchimoboi" - to be carried away by a serious adventure bigger than life. And now sitting here and writing this review. To me it's the worst anime (from my experience of approx. 30+ serials and anime features), which carried me away with its awkwardness. It starts kind of well but even before reaching its middle line it becomes unbearable. It's been a torture to watch it till the end, but there was a hope in me that somehow it would rehabilitate itself (so much fuss about its detail and artistic development). No. "Najica" entertains and has a bunch of groovy characters, while delivering an amazing gun-play non-stop animation. The "Steamboy" is blank in character and design. Just look at those sirs in high tops and pseudo 19th century outfit – they look so unimpressive in this Japanese animation. It's one of those rare cases when my only thought was "When will this cartoonery-mockoonery" end?" Yes, the views of London were great, but it doesn't worth a bit to go through this 2-hour torture to witness them.

Bad character development, monotonous happenings, unimpressive design (except, maybe the wheel-like vehicle of the main character, which was good), the running time which makes you feel like it's never going to reach its finish. Besides, it's got this cheap didactic tone, as if the whole story were something of "Barefoot Gen" calibre. Watch "Last Exile" instead, which is also in steampunk category (correct?), but has something to offer indeed. Unlike this Suchimuboi-balloon.

A 2 out of 10 is a good mark for this irritating anime balloon. Thanks for attention.
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Kingsajz (1988)
One of my latest major disappointments in cinema
6 September 2016
Toilet humour, Jerzy Stuhr in the same clothes (!?) as in "Deja Vu", unfunny and stupid sexual innuendoes, repetitive running about, shallow dialogues, cheap costumes, etc. It's simply remarkable how low the director of "Deja Vu" (a masterpiece in comedy genre) went here. To use his own imagery of this one, he went down the toilet.

It's got a potential (the story, the dialogues and action scenes could have been done so much better), but all we have is a kind of unfunny freaky story for adults (though, without proper adult material as well). What audience was this piece of trash made for? A rhetorical question it is.

A bizarre notion was in my mind after watching the immortal "Deja Vu", that Juliusz Machulski was a genius. Now it's clearly seen that he is not. A genius would not have done such a tasteless "parable".

It simply does not deserve more than a 2 out of 10 (do not trust the high mark on IMDb). Thanks for attention.
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It concerns you personally...
29 August 2016
A very simple and at the same time very atmospheric movie from the USSR times. When it's over it leaves a very comfortable impression in the viewer's heart. Take a rest from today's hectic cinema. Enjoy a company of the 40+ (and much older) people who like to contemplate and who are absolutely in no haste. The film lasts about 1 hour 20 minutes and it's something you will crave to get back and experience again one day (you doubt that? try it). Impressive actors, impressive dialogues and minor (even trifle) happenings, which are delivered with style and draw your attention as if it all concerned you personally. And perhaps it really does. It sure does in some mysterious way. Take a break, give your heart a warm lesson. Watch and think or just watch and dream.

An 8 out of 10. Easily. Thank you for attention.
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Spiritual Odyssey that only Russians can put on film
6 May 2016
What you will find here for sure: great score, fantastic sets, adorable characters, impressive women, weird happenings, allusions to Christian antiquity and to the antiquity BC...

What you will certainly NOT find here: CGI, fiery explosions, bed scenes and wild sex, blood spilling, taboo language and foul swearing, toilet humour, violence and sadistic violence, horror elements, drug themes, rock and heavy metal...

It's in the same league as a much more famous "Stalker" while being not a single bit inferior in quality.

Perhaps, the audience of today will consider this one as a very sexist example of cinema. Well, this world has been sexist since the very beginning and women can go to kitchen and wash the utensils while men are enjoying this extraordinary male movie.

If you fall asleep during this feature, it's not for you. Tastes DO differ.

A 10 out of 10. Thank you for attention.
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Igla (1988)
That very "Tsoy" needle for your high-tech brain
5 May 2016
There is an opinion under this sky that Russian cinema died at the end of 1980s or in the beginning of the 1990s and since then nothing appropriate has been shot on camera. Well, to be more exact, to my mind, the end of the 1980s and the beginning of the 1990s is the golden era of Russian cinema. While Soviet era shined on screen for quite some time delivering many amusing and family-oriented masterpieces, the period we are talking about is like a flash of light. Being a shooting star, it screeched and vanished near the end of the millennium, while sky-rocketing in its full bliss. The movies of this short, tragic but awesome period were loaded and loaded with real ammo unlike today's flip-flop chicken flicks-blockbusters, which, in most cases, are able to shoot blanks only... OK, got carried away, for which sorry, ladies and gentlemen.

"Igla" is one of those loaded movies. Maybe you should have spent your teen years in the 1980s-1990s to feel its drive. Or perhaps you should be kind of out-of-this-world. Or, maybe, just a very romantic and un-CGI dreamer. Or corny and unpretentious fellow, who enjoys cinema without cornflakes & Coca-Cola. Or insane... Just make sure that you are watching the original "Igla", not a glamour remix/remake, which, as this treacherous cinema business rotates today, does exist too.

Oh, almost forgot to say a couple of words regarding the essence of the movie. It's about a bunch of young degenerates living on the ashes of the once prolific empire (USSR). You cannot blame these weirdos - the older generation led them into a dead end.

A 10 out of 10 for this greyish no-escape flick from the amazing 1980s. Thanks for attention.
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It lacks Jackie Chan (or Sammo Hung) badly...
17 February 2016
...and these words are NOT from a Jackie/Sammo fan. The point is that, for instance, Mr Jackie Chan is able to give us a perfect mixture of comedy and drama (well, not always of course) and here the young actor ("Student") can deliver neither comedy nor drama, at least he cannot do it properly (but mostly in a nauseating, even repulsive way). "Auntie" is very impressive as the movie starts but further on she gets more and more manipulative, becoming a kind of rag doll who gets in corny situations. Some parts of the flick are too prolonged, stupid and simply awful (like "the musketeers masquerade fight" - it's so bad that my urge was to shut the whole cinema down, or "the serenade dance" in front of "Auntie" - the Chinese actors were pathetic and it was painful to watch this dancing-singing schlock).

The story had sucked me in to watch this one and the beginning looked promising, but soon it all turned out to be a mediocre kung-fu flick of a dubious quality. The funny moments are very scanty and the fights (tons of them here, but... in vain) don't feel impressive to me (because the director failed to build up the story and the characters). It's very sad that the leading actress, being so beautiful and knowing how to kick some rear, falls flat because of poor direction and because her overacting colleague ("student") looks and sounds embarrassing. Besides, the main villain's character is very underdeveloped. What do we know about him apart from wanting to get the property and having a bunch of henchmen?

Just a 3 out of 10 for this third rate flick from the past (the IMDb rating here was absolutely misleading to me, and these Chinese actors ruined my evening when my plan had been to enjoy a kung-fu cinema of good quality). Thanks for attention.
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Almost excellent
4 February 2016
The movie is done to the point. It has quite a few impressive details and connotations, which probably will go unnoticed to the regular viewer at first sight. Like a flash of lightning behind Nelyubin. Or Nikolay's refusal to fight off the two policemen. Or the hunter's inability to shoot the bear. Or the glance in the water. Or the ending scene fading into white. It can be quite a considerable list of such happenings. No surprise, though, while a real Orthodox priest takes part in this one.

A very good example of Russian cinema. Still, one complaint from my side: the music (especially at the very end) should have been different. But this is my taste - would prefer mild choir music in this instance or even just the sounds of nature (birds singing for example). Grebenshchikov's score was great in the famous and groovy "Black Rose...", but not here. Here it sounds cheap, sorry.

Thank you for attention. A 9 out of 10.
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Psy (1989)
It hits the golden niche of Russian cinema
20 May 2015
Let's be realistic, Russian cinema cannot create something like the original "RoboCop" or "Alien". And it always hurts to see something like "Okhota na Piranyu" – an example of Russian cinema trying to pull off something like "Die Hard" with a-la "matrix" stunts plus the happy nicey-nicey ending. But the Russians can easily carry out something that the others cannot. Every nation has its own traditions, and in cinema it really pays off well when a talented director follows them. "Psy" follows the traditions step by step and goes further. Beware… A minimalistic approach. An oppressive atmosphere of doom without hope in almost every single shot. Weird characters that play very weird tricks, spitting out most weird phrases and uttering apocalyptic speeches.

It delivers a strange adult spooky story in the way only Russian cinema can do. Can a reliable horror be done with minimum funds, unknown actors, bad equipment, etc.? This is the answer. The talent can deliver and it does here. Where the others would fail, the Russian film spreads its wings, pecks your eyes out, and crawls under your skin. Too bad such examples are rare ("Gongofer" comes to my mind as another weird story, though much inferior in depth, but also impressively told on the screen).

Will try to dish a few lines out, without actually revealing the plot.

The topics touched upon in this movie are quite interesting. 1) Frustration of human science (the wretched scientist in the film tells something like "The science is great, we'll get the water back!" but you see quite well that science lost its battle. 2) The revolt of nature vs. man (cities turn to deserts, water leaves man, the domestic animals attack people in most ferocious ways). 3) Man on the verge of breakdown (everything loses its worth in the midst of catastrophe). 4) Insanity and poetry as a couple of weird ways to escape the "dead end" of human existence (one character shoots his fellow man and then himself, another is talking in poems and drinks hard, still another tries to get all the valuable items with him before certain death). 5) The place is "no-name", the characters are "no-name", and the mission is a total wacko right from the start, but you can clearly see that mankind has returned to something like stone age, living in filthy conditions, and having no hope at all. The "wild dogs" can be just a metaphor for something that man has triggered and cannot operate any more. Like a nuclear world war.

The following episodes stand out in this feature, both technically and emotionally. 1) A dancing man who gets drunk and tries to get all the precious things onto him, as if it could save him (my favourite scene in this film, brilliantly executed, and the soundtrack fits the scene like nothing else). 2) A man in a gas mask with a torch in one hand and an AK in another, howling and stalking about like madman (just a perfect bit in this picture of a total disaster). 3) A man with his hands up, coming up to the insane shooter whispering "Don't shoot. It's me. It's me. Don't." (being minimalistic to the core, the scene is very intense and lets you experience the whole psychotic action as if in slow-mo, though it's in actual speed). 4) Two strong men wailing like stray dogs near the fire. 5) Every time the leader is about to give orders, the atmosphere of incompetence captures all people present, though he tries really hard to act like the commander. The acting of this almost unknown person is unique.

And most importantly, the director does not disappoint during the whole production, sticking to the fine line of a weird and tough thriller, never stepping aside to brighter genres (even the jokes are VERY dark).

This comment will be changing. Not because the movie is of doubtful quality, but because it's so multi-layered and unique, that it deserves a much more detailed analysis.

A 10 out of 10, quite an achievement. Thank you for attention.
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Not a good example of Russian cinema
12 May 2015
The only reason for me to have a look at this one was the presence of a very beautiful song - "Field Flowers". It's somewhere in the second half of the flick (when Mazur has a ridiculous and absolutely unrealistic off-screen battle in the bar). Anything else is of a very doubtful quality.

The camera is jerky and soon becomes nauseating. The happenings are chaotic and downright stupid (some characters just leave or change their stance and the others treat it as OK, the killers touch obvious traps and waste the ammo, etc.). The bad guy talks too much and is not frightening enough (Mr Evgeniy Mironov is a fine actor and, most likely, a very good person, but a lousy villain. The running about in the forest reminds of much, much better action movies. The ending is too sweet and is made NOT in the Russian way. And, to crown it all, the ending song is embarrassing.

Really nothing much to write here but the presence of "Field Flowers" scene pays off quite well. In general, for a reliable action flick it's too inconsistent to enjoy. For a parable it's too shallow. Try it for that very song and vivid colours if you have to, though.

Only a 3 out of 10, and mostly for that wonderful song in the crazy context, but better go and re-watch "Predator", "Commando", "Hard Boiled", "Hitman" or "Die Hard" for much deeper emotions and much groovier characters. Thanks for attention.
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A good but mediocre try
27 October 2014
Warning: Spoilers
Not boring to me and not empty, but disappointing. Why?

1) Flashing images of Yakuza "dream sequence" - it spoils the atmosphere and is simply tense and harmful for the eyes of the viewer. Come on, Miike, it's not "Koroshiya 1". 2) Violence that takes place from time to time - it's out of place. In "Rainy Dog" it's fine, but not here. 3) Unfunny funny stuff. A van falling apart is something too hackneyed (cf. Takeshi Kitano comedies, American cinema & cartoons) to be funny, while it's often mentioned as the "peak" of this comedy. 4) Too little of actual flying. If it's supposed that the kids can fly in that distant area, show some footage, at least from distance (if you have a very limited budget). Not just a few seconds of that before the final credits. 5) The connection with the real world (the poem-ballad taken from the history and the war plane that had crashed into the pond) is destroying the eerie feel of the production - would prefer the verse created specifically for this movie and the connection to the wild nature (why not actual birds?), not to the downed plane of the WWI or WWII times.

It's got to be tweaked to become an excellent movie: more nature, less quirky violence, more funny and natural jokes, and more actual flying. To my view, Japanese "Dreams" & "Dolls" and Russian "Stalker" surpass this one in every aspect, while dealing with similar topics.

A 5 out of 10 - a good but mediocre try. Thanks for attention.
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What's wrong with this movie?
22 November 2013
Many things. To start with, the make-up of the leading actor. It is repulsive quite definitely. Lipstick, rosy cheeks… It's wrong. You feel it. And if you don't, then it is your problem. Why should a little kid of male sex apply lipstick and rouge to his cheeks? A vomiting choice for a family comedy. Maybe it would have passed unnoticed, if it had been a black and white film… Well, we can stop here and give it the lowest mark already, but if this is not enough, read further.

The creepy fillings go next. They are scattered all over the place. Even in the very beginning, when the main character prepares breakfast. It's all wrong. And he plays with his food, - something, which should never be done (remember the famous "Lion King" phrase?). Skeletons, human prop heads, weird clown-devils, an old lady-ghost, etc. If there is a need to watch a horror comedy, my choice is "Toxic Avenger", "Elvira", or "Killer Klowns", which are far from being family features but impressively good horror comedies.

Funny material is not scanty - it's almost absent. Of course it is very subjective but to sit in front of a TV and being fed with some "thrilling" mishmash, neither scary nor funny, for almost 2 hours is cheating. Tried real hard to laugh at anything here but failed.

The bad-ass bikers are fake too. Because they are soft-ass wanna-be bikers. The real ones would kick Pee's butt into non-existence for his gay looks and uncool behaviour (his jerking dance is stupid and simply cannot evoke any admiration at all, only shame).

And if you start discussing the plot… It goes nowhere, though the "hero" is touring America and travels quite a lot. The main character does not become a better person (cf. "Bean", where Mr Rowan Atkinson showed us a real quality jump in the main character's mental development) - he is the same queer jerk at the end of the feature, painful to stare at and listen to. And the actor does not do any inspiring gags (cf. the masterful Buster Keaton) either.

My advice: watch "Bean" the movie. It is a tear-jerkingly funny family feature devoid of any disgusting moments and full of witty dialogues and brilliant physical comedy, though dealing with the same material: the grown up man behaves like a spoilt brat. Or try the original "Dumb and Dumber" if you still haven't seen it.

Tim Burton missed a lot in this feature. But he did amazingly well in "Batman" dilogy. It's a mystery to me how the American public could endure this kind of character and this kind of flat gags in a numerous shows and movies a few decades ago...

A sheer example of bad taste - can give this one only a one: 1 out of 10, one of my biggest disappointments in cinema. Thanks for attention.
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Milf (2010 Video)
To laugh or cry...
10 October 2013
We had quite different college days back in the 1990s. So, it was interesting to watch the 100% American way of life. Seems that attending an American college and living in a dorm is quite funny in a very alcoholic and sexual way.

The bullies are powerful and victorious. Our timid vulnerable guys are very likable. Boy, these guys ARE funny with their one-track mind (but that's OK for their voluptuous age) and incredible postures (the guy, who looks stunned and stoned nearly all the time; the guy in the glasses - a clownish chatterbox with nothing reliable to say; the guy, whose head is always in the clouds and whose dreamy eyes always stare at the wrong places; and the Latino fellow with big bulging eyes and flapping lips). Nearly died laughing. The gals are very picky and contemptuous. So true to life. The ladies are zany all the way being unstoppable killing machines from top to toe. Well, looks like fantasy but maybe it's just America, the land of freedom and the place for the notorious GTA franchise and crazy housewives. But nobody's truly vile - and this is marvellous.

One of the most remarkable features of this flick is the dialogues. They are priceless. Just make me remember the time when we used to split our sides while staring at B&B characters' signature "Heh-he!" speeches aired on MTV. Something like: "Yeah, dude! Righto! You, pricks! Your tit's hanging out! Ha-ha-ha! You, dumb-ass!!! Heh-he… What the…? Cool!" The situations are nuts, silly, and completely off the hook. Like the one in which a couple of tough black men appear in angry mood and start complaining because of the incredible noise produced by some chick that has the time of her life banging one of our "heroes" (the Latino guy). And after that the Latino guy is rushing out from the room naked and all covered in some cream, with his eyes popping out: he's drooling, happy and all. Or the one when our clownish four-eyed fellow is about to score big time with some yoga chick and is suddenly "cheered up" by her "husband guru", who emerges from the dark. And our four-eyes is checking his watch and tells some rubbish that he has to go while sitting in the bathtub right in the process of getting laid and all...

Don't ever watch it if you are a serious guy fixed on serious thighs, oh, sorry, meaning serious THINGS of course, and with serious intestines, apologies again, meaning INTENTIONS to live every single moment of your life with benefit. Otherwise you will be very disappointed, feel like suicide, and will come to IMDb to bash the title on the board or in your review and claim the time and money back.

But it is funny to bash a movie with the title "MILF", isn't it? Our four jerks would say something inappropriate to that for sure.

A 7 out of 10, it served its purpose all right and had plenty of insane moments, when you don't know, whether to laugh or cry (the old people will be surely shocked, but not the generation of the 1990s). Thanks for attention.
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Mr Anthony Hickox misses badly but...
25 September 2013
Mr Anthony Hickox misses badly, though delivering a bunch of very imaginative scenes. It is sad. If only the following scenes had been squeezed into the original "Warlock" movie... or just into any other classic horror flick...

OK, here we go in no particular order. You can insert the definite article in each scene's callout.

Air walking. Cool and memorable – looks fantastic even now, in 2013 AD.

Finger gunning. Funny but somehow not childish.

Pikasso death. Outstanding and artistic.

Stage glassy falling. Bloody and tongue-in-cheek.

Gas station black blood death. Very tongue-in-cheek.

Elevator blood bath. Suspense at its best.

Scalping on the go. Outrageous and wickedly ridiculous.

But everything impressive and stylish stops here. No, the birth scene is not on the list because it's a weak and awkward rip-off of the famous scene by Mr Davenport, whose crew was stoned (please, Mr Harry Davenport, correct me if it's not true and accept my apologies) and still pulled off a genuinely horrific extravaganza back in the 1980s.

If you want to appreciate the visuals, just have a look at the scenes mentioned above (the Pikasso death scene is simply the best). Everything else is a stinking bomb: the over-melodramatic "Romeo-Juliet" love story, the phony characters who are supposed to be tough (or is it just bad acting?), the ridiculous "jedi", oh, sorry, "druid" training, etc. Such flicks are a disgrace if you are into thought-provoking kick-ass horror films (the original "Warlock" and "Wishmaster" are good examples). But if you don't have anything against kidstuff, incomprehensive plot twists, and pathos spiced up with distorted cry-baby faces of the leading "heroes" on screen, give it a go...

Not more than a brainless teen movie. Alas. More tweaking and effort would have made a reliable horror classic out of this mess.

Just a 3 out of 10. Thanks for attention.
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Mortal Kombat (2011 Video Game)
Mortales Kombates for the faint of heart, housewives, and softies
19 September 2013
This game is quite a cinematic experience, so reviewing it on IMDb is appropriate.

In our country this game has been always appreciated by those who liked fantasy fighting PC games with lots of blood and guts flying about. Remember playing the first MK and enjoying its roster and fighting moves. The present-day MK for PS3 is a present to such people.

Some minor things do spoil the enjoyment though. And they have been mentioned already in the other comments.

The biggest flaw for me here is the difficulty of the whole game. If you want to sit back and enjoy kicking butts on big screen without insane prior memorizing of the button combinations for special moves, fatalities, etc., you will have to play it on the "Beginner" level. And even then your skills will be tested intensively, because some of the foes are almost impossible to overcome. The only good news here is that the impressive "X-ray" moves can be easily performed (just 2 buttons to be pressed).

When played "UFC 3: Undisputed", used to get angry by the importance of remembering many button combinations. Well, now, after playing MK with the "Easy" setting, UFC's "Experienced" level seems to be kid-stuff. And as to something like "Fight Night 3" - that's super easy even on the hardest level if compared to the abhorrently painstaking MK controls.

As to the other flaws - they are too few and insignificant to be mentioned. But one thing should have been used in gameplay: the ability to turn on "Simulation" mode, because sometimes it gets repetitive that the fighters are moving lightning-fast even after long combos and after receiving great amounts of damage. Would like to see at least some deterioration of their movements and blows after getting X-rayed, for instance. In other words, the damage system could and should have been much better.

In every other aspect the game shines and delivers what we have been waiting for: deep as an ocean story, bloody fights, ridiculous speeches (check out Johnny Cage's ignorance and cockiness), tongue-in-cheek storytelling, reliable time-tested roster with cool fighters of different origin to choose from, and all manner of MK unlockable paraphernalia. It's the whole MK universe presented on 1 PS3 disc, which is not very expensive by the way (Borderlands' price tag exceeds it almost by 3 times here).

To sum it up: it is simply outstanding that the creators of MK for PS3 succeeded to merge PATHOS, STUPIDITY, and GORE. It's definitely for the kids but banned for them. Nonsense? No, just "Mortales Kombates"! If you are a grown-up and play such games, then you are not a reasonable person. The PS3 game box should have the following warning upon it: "Verboten!!!"

An 8 out of 10 (still have to beat the Tower challenge and, suppose, it should be ultra-ridiculous). Thanks for attention.
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Come and See (1985)
"The soundtrack is boring"
5 June 2013
To write a simple review seems to be an easy task. Let's complicate the matters a bit. If You have time and inclination, perceive my point and method of commenting this particular movie. All right, here we go. What do we have on the negative side? The following lines are taken out from the IMDb reviews.

1 "The soundtrack is boring, without any decent music at all... Indeed, this is not a realistic film in any way, shape or form... Its propaganda, devoid of any artistic merit. I give it the minimum score because of its extreme pro-Soviet bias, which makes the film offensive and indeed Soviet propaganda". (by Jose Cruz)

2 "And I love films, but really films are supposed to be entertaining. Or shocking. Or thought provoking. This is so tedious it feels like the director is calling the viewers bluff". (by robc-26 from United Kingdom)

3 "A war movie should educate the viewer in any of a number of ways. We should appreciate courage and sacrifice, we should empathise with the cold, hungry and terrified. We should be told about historical events and their impact on the final outcome". (by Reebox from United Kingdom)

4 "Lack of dialogue and explanation means that much of the time you don't know who people are or where they're going or what they hope to accomplish when they get there". (by hanfuzzy from Barrie, Ontario, Canada)

5 "The character of the boy doesn't seem developed enough and the imagery presented in some so-called "intense" scenes did not truly attract my attention nor made me empathize with the character". (by dubbs37 from United States)

6 "Bad lead character development". (by entej from Russian Federation)

7 "The film is very slow and at many times throughout, nothing much is happening... The long, ringing in your ears, muted sound is off putting and not effective". (by richard6 from United Kingdom)

8 "I wanted to see more actual fighting, and how the war was perceived by soldiers not a 12 year old boy..." (by Steve Johnson (twiglet-1))

9 "The Nazis was professional killers, OK, but they were yet civilized (if I could say so) beside of a savage hypocrite murders called russians with their red army!.. Nazis were stupid kids beside Red Holocaust and Stalin. Be serious!!!!!" (by nazratst from Romania)

10 "The infamous village massacre happens in the last fifteen to twenty minutes of the film, and the German soldiers look so ridiculously evil and cartoon-like that it's very hard for this scene to have any particular interest or emotion. To be honest, I was so bored up to this point that the barbaric events unfolding on screen before me were almost welcoming as at least something was finally happening". (by JSwallowX1 from Ireland)

So, we can sum it all up in the lines below (adding some groovy spice will also help).

Being a piece of blunt Soviet propaganda, the film is devoid of any historical accuracy and artistic merit. It's dull and tedious with an uninteresting main character (who has absolutely no background and is free from any development – either physical or mental). Who cares about some kid during the war times? Give us a HERO, not a whimpering child! This "war" flick is neither entertaining nor serious. Its fictional happenings (women and children burnt in the barns by the Nazis? come on, in reality it was vice versa! read the historical documents!) pump up to the levels of "Star Wars" with one serious difference: "Star Wars" was at least thought-provoking and shocking. There is no decent music in the movie at all and the whole soundtrack cries out to get turned off. The last straw that could break any camel's back (i.e. insult any viewer's ears) was some cheap melody at the end of the flick. The whole movie is boring to such degree that any normal human being will yawn and fall asleep during the initial 10 minutes. If you want to see a real feat for the eyes and ears, watch the documentary "Der Ewige Jude", which IS a masterpiece at all levels and on top of everything has realistic cow scenes (unlike this one). Watch any USA picture with the WWII topic – they are not many, but at least they represent the historical facts and show us WHO won the World War II and at WHAT unspeakable price... The Russians exaggerate things immensely, making the events going on on their territory look like some kind of annihilation. Nonsense. The Germans were never cruel during the WWII on the USSR territory and they always behaved in a most decent manner. It was Russian troops who were deranged killers (there is even a historically accurate photo of a Russian soldier bullying a poor German woman and robbing her of her bicycle! and it happened in the streets of Berlin when the war was over! Check out the I-net archive footage if you don't believe! just imagine WHAT was happening during the war days!). The verdict: if you are a sane civilized and thinking European, stay far away from this schmoopy fantasy.

Do You agree? What do You know about the WWII? How empty is Your vision? To which extent are Your brains brainwashed and "freed"?

Any further comment is superfluous. Actually, this movie does not need any review or comment. But our today's way of life needs it badly. And today's cinema.

Thank you for attention.
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Mows off the competitors all right
30 January 2013
Warning: Spoilers
Some movies stay with us forever, being revolutionary and genuinely original. An unnaturally low (well, average) rating of this movie is extraordinary. Instead of rubbing shoulders with "Blade Runner" and "The Matrix" on the top 250 list, it finds its place in a line of average "blockheadbuster" flicks. Perhaps, this situation is a result of "Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond ... something" release. They should have created a low-end "Blade Runner 2" back in 1980s or 1990s to even the chances.

For me it is difficult to find any drawbacks in this sci-fi. The whole screen presentation is a cyber kick in the brains (do we actually need all this scientific progress that pushes Man closer and closer to the edge?) and in the ass (the final scene is far from being a happy ending and the CGI talk between the scientist and his creation is still spooky even now). The movie is complete and locked in itself. The final scene with phones ringing all over the world makes one point perfectly clear: the evil has leaked through. Of course, by today's standards the computer-generated sequences, especially in the beginning of the movie, are not impressive, but the ones shown in the end are really memorable and all the way freaky.

And don't make the mistake once made by me: never watch the "Lawnmower Man 2" abomination. It is like reading "Hamlet 2" by some "Shakespoore".

To crown it all, it has all the guts and style to find its place in the row of such clever sci-fi flicks as "Solyaris" (1972), "Blade Runner" (1982), "Alien" (1979), and "The Terminator" (1984). It will be very interesting to know the evaluation of these original sci-fi movies in a hundred years. Will try to check it out on IMDb then, if given a chance of course.

And a tough 10 goes to… "The Lawnmower Man" (1992)! Thanks for attention.
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Perestroika. Racket. Pogrom. Talkov. Smert'
20 November 2012
Warning: Spoilers
An ex-convict (Viktor Dremov), who is also an ex-boxer, tries to mend his ways and start a new life but his former girlfriend is marrying another man (some old antiquarian), while local thugs rob him of his car and press him constantly trying to make him work for them. What you get is one of the most realistic and dark crime dramas. Everything that happens makes Viktor feel worse and worse. Being framed and hunted he should kill them all before he becomes a broken or a dead man. And he manages it, using all his fighting skills.

It's more like a documentary. We, who lived in the late 1980s and early 1990s here, remember these times vividly. It was a survival horror/comedy show.

"Poidiem gromit kavkazskuyu kukhnyu" was one of our favourite one-liners at school.

Igor Talkov makes a tough appearance as the gang leader. His death scene is a prophetic one, which adds to the realism of the film and makes it even darker.

Here you are being given a chance to have a look at those cannibalistic times, which lasted only a few years in Russia. But these years left a big scar.

A 10 out of 10, with deep respect to everybody engaged in the production. An honest movie about a very peculiar time in our history. Thank you for attention.
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Bean ruined and canned
7 November 2012
Warning: Spoilers
If you enjoy watching a little brat slapping an old man in the face - it's your type of comedy.

Suppose many people on this planet (judging by the gross income of $183,956,926 worldwide according to IMDb) are ready to pay tons of money for the wrong depiction of foreign culture. Or at least the director of this flick did not bother to find out a few basic things before shooting this mess of a movie. Russian people never slap people in the face on meeting. NEVER. So, showing a Russian kid slapping Bean in the face is one of the stupidest things to witness. Well, maybe it was made for laughs? Not to me. Rowan Atkinson, representing an aging dim-witted person, is even trying to express some kind of delight during this kind of "Hello!" rite. It looks cheap, vulgar, and fictitious. Even disgusting. A sheer example of how a straw can ruin the whole production. Any other things? Let's get started.

Rowan Atkinson in this one looks old. Jumping about, making the same stupid faces (cf. "Bean"), etc. makes a viewer feel disillusionment and pity for the actor. Especially if you see it all in the scenes where a vile kid is present too. Do you remember Mr Charles Chaplin? In his later movies he did not try the same "kick-in-the-butt" tricks but achieved the new heights, still keeping his unique style of comedy - THAT was craftsmanship.

The original "Bean" movie was real (the same is true to "Mr Bean" the series), that's what was so important to me. Mad, bizarre, outrageous, disastrous, but at the same time very true to life. Every single scene was believable (all right, maybe, the "Ride of Doom" was a bit OTT). But here you see Bean being locked inside a wooden closet on the road and a big truck smashes it to pieces off-screen, and Bean gets away with it safe and sound. They make a superman out of our beloved down-to-earth Bean. If you want an incomprehensive comedy with undying heroes you watch "Airplane", "Naked Gun" or "Toxic Avenger" (the best choice) - correct? So this was another little feature that ruined the movie for me.

Another point. A question of love and male-female relationship. Bean is a character, who is supposed to be a nerd from top to toe. And what do we see here? A young beautiful actress is trying hard to keep a conversation with him, to be nice and interested. Her little talks in the car are quite uncomfortable to hear. Why should she give a damn about some old freaky penniless guy who didn't even look cute? Something doesn't match here. And you feel it. It's another one to ruin the film.

You need more? How about the misuse of foreign languages? When will these directors learn to get their Russian characters speak realistic Russian language? Russian characters speaking Russian with unbelievable intonations and heavy accents are irritating and not funny. Here one should recall "Black Eagle" (yes, one of the IMDb's low-grade – quite unjustly, if you ask me – action films) with an easy and true-to-life use of the Russian language, which was very funny to boot.

One more thing, which is even more personal in perception of this flick. There is a dumb "Oscar-like ceremony" and a big-name actor in the role of some modern director delivers dramatic faces. Not appropriate here.

The restaurant scene was all right and almost made me laugh, but, come on, we'd seen something like that in "Bean" the series, and it had been insane there. But here it just looks amateurish in comparison.

One of the dullest comedies with many uncomfortable scenes to sit through. A 1 out of 10 (even this lowest mark cannot express my total disappointment with this flick that ruined not only itself, but Bean character as well). How dare they destroy one of the funniest on-screen characters ever? Thank you for attention.
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Motorpsycho! (1965)
An enjoyable drama on wheels about decadence with a few flaws
29 October 2012
Warning: Spoilers
"Mad Max" being one of my absolutely favourite insane "on-wheels" flicks, this one is of course inferior (the two bad guys out of the trio are not bad enough, the drama is not as high-power as it gets in "Mad Max", the good guy in this one is quite unimpressive if compared to "Goose" or "Max", etc.). But the music is catchy, the hierarchy in the wicked trio is shown well enough, and the confrontations are edgy and realistic. Realistic till the final epic battle: still cannot understand where this good man got the dynamite from. It really looked ridiculous to me: all of a sudden there was a piece of TNT in the hands of our snake-bitten hero and BOOM! Thus he saved the day. Besides, we don't see the main villain being smashed to atoms by the explosion. And some suspicion starts to gather in our minds: is he really dead? In "Mad Max" there was no such incompleteness.

With more polish this movie could have been of "Mad Max" calibre.

A 7 out of 10 is a good mark. Thanks for attention.
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Kuroi ame (1989)
"Kuroi ame" (Japan) versus "Black Rain" (USA) is an absurd confrontation
4 September 2012
Warning: Spoilers
To start with, both movies of 1989 - "Kuroi ame" (Japan) and "Black Rain" (USA) - are quite familiar to me and they both are quite impressive: the former - as a historical drama and the latter - as a dramatic crime/action. It was the American feature that made me stumble upon "Kuroi ame" (it really had looked strange to me that the movies with the same title had been of the same year as well). To compare the two is futile. They do not handle the same material (though, the Ridley Scott feature touches upon the black rain topic appropriately to say the least) and belong to different genre sections. Watch "Black Rain" after "Kuroi ame" and you will have an impression that the doppelgangers of those young Japanese bikers, who appear at the very end of "Kuroi ame", have a story of their own in "Black Rain".

My review concerns the Japanese movie (no surprise) that consists of two parts (surprise?): the original black and white feature plus the colour "alternate" ending, which is actually the real ending of the movie with the events that never collide with the first part, but add new details to the tragic story. Don't be afraid to watch the colour excerpt. It will not spoil the atmosphere of the movie: it will expand your impression. No use re-telling the story itself, so just a few words about some striking features of "Kuroi ame" that impressed me the most.

The dwellers of Hiroshima right after the bombing are quite disturbingly depicted – the director does in cinema what previously was brilliantly done in anime ("Hadashi no gen" – remember?).

The young girl experiences radiation sickness with uncommon patience and courage (no fits of suicidal behaviour), losing her beauty and strength every single day.

Stone figures of those who perished after the bomb had fallen look like the frozen corpses of those who caught the atomic flesh-melting flash.

The unstable young Japanese man fights any vehicle as soon as he hears the engine running but can fight his illness when he is helping his beloved.

The final frames, showing the modern Japan, westernized to a high degree, selling out pieces of Hiroshima to the tourists, and quite possibly not knowing definitely who dropped the bomb and why (and perhaps not caring much), are really an embodiment of the words "unjust peace", which you hear at the very end of the film.

Suppose, the director had a headache: either he should include the colour part into the original black and white feature or not (Mr Takashi Miike told us in the interview that the events of the colour part were not in the novel itself). Well, my point is that he should have. It draws a good bold line under the title and keeps the message of the film running. The viewers do not have philosophical exchanges whether the girl survives or not any more (you could only predict, if you had not seen the colour part), but can dwell upon more profound topics instead (like the one raised by the dying man in the film). And the bloody teeth would have never impressed the audience like this, if it were not in colour.

No drum roll, just a 10 out of 10 for a very good reason. Thank you for attention.
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The greatest disappointment
7 August 2012
Warning: Spoilers
The things in this movie that strike me most are: the six guitar strings in the beginning which vibrate as the human voice delivers the top news of the world (weird); the camera angles (in "drunken master" style); the jazzy/funky music that goes nuts now and then (very refreshing and exhilarating); Varla's vile face expressions (plain menacing and sophisticated), tight gloves (ready for battle!), and her evil bursts of laughter (quite hellish); the hysterical behaviour of the kidnapped girl who even before her boyfriend's grisly death is lunatic (careless in a most childish manner); the goofy gas station attendant nicknamed "Einstein" ("Do and think little but talk volumes, especially about other people's secrets!" must be his motto); the way The Vegetable "gives" the knife to Rosie (what does she expect from the highly controversial and unstable knot of muscles? "Here you are, take it, please"?); the simplicity of the whole production (a few characters, minimum sets, almost no special effects, the stunning b&w picture).

The greatest disappointment (the major spoiler ahead!): the three heroines all die in the course of the movie. That is unfair. They are too groovy and too busty to die. They should have killed off every other character in this flick and survive, walking away in the sunset with the smoking guns, bloody hands, and swaying hips. How could the director be so cruel to this trio that remains the best female criminal gang to ever hit the screen? The technical side of the film is superb. Hardly anybody could make it better. The WWII did not pass in vain for Mr Russ Meyer, that's for sure.

A 7 out of 10 (because of "the greatest disappointment" - minus 3 points, alas). Thanks for attention.
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