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A fat elf kid waddles around a world of backtracking...boredom ensues
The hype surrounding this so called "SNES classic" is just utterly ridiculous.
You know, there are games like Super Metroid and Super Mario Bros 3 which, while over-rated, are OK, and I can still understand their appeal.
Then there are games like A Link to the Past, which everyone loves, yet it sucks.
Where to begin on why I hate this game. Well first off, the story is just plain asinine. Our overweight hero has a stupid dream, goes to see his stupid father, who gives him a stupid sword, so he can go around killing stupid monsters for some stupid reason. This all takes place within the very early part of the game, with little explaining as to why your dad gives you a sword, how you master it so quickly, and why this dream seems like anything more than just that, a dream.
Now, onto the control scheme. Well, the overhead perspective does NOT make moving around fun. You have to trek around obstacle after obstacle again and again. When 95% of a game has you using the d-pad, it's not a good thing. And even the attacks suck. The sword play is an absolute joke.
The graphics are pretty weak. They somehow managed to make Link's sprite look worse than it did in Zelda 2. Not to mention the environments are so damn boring, plain, and practically monocoloured. Walking through these drab worlds for so long can be very frustrating. The towns and townspeople are, however, more detailed, but you won't be spending nearly as much time here.
The fun is utterly non-existent. The game just isn't enjoyable. So much of it is backtracking that it puts any Metroid game to shame.
I could rant on about how much this game sucks for hours, but I'm lazy. But in closing, I hate this game. Leave me alone.
If you like this show, I hate you.
Anyone who seriously believes this crap is real is just plain stupid. Even if it was, it would still suck. It's a bunch of sleazy trash, plain and simple.
Skyler Stone isn't a genuine con man. He's just a smug moron who somehow managed to get his own show. Gah...I can't stand seeing that stupid smirk on his face. The only people he's fooling are the 60 IQ audience.
Unfortunately we may see a small wave of idiot kids who try to imitate this garbage and think they're uber slick con men.
It's unbelievable how much crap gets on the comedy network nowadays. I thought they reached their lowest point with You Bet your ass". How wrong I was. Hell, I'd almost rather watch Girls Will be Girls...
Oh wait...no I wouldn't. But seriously, don't bother with this pathetic excuse for a show.
Super Mario Bros. (1993)
Interesting ideas, but not very good delivery.
I think this movie gets more criticism than it deserves. It's honestly not THAT terrible.
I gotta say, when I was pretty young and saw it, it was quite a shock to see lush green plains replaced with a degenerate city unrivaled by even the worst areas of New York, and to see a slimy weird lizard where the happy-go-lucky Yoshi we all know and love would be, not to mention tiny walking mushrooms with mean faces replaced with some of the freakiest looking gargantuan humanoid monsters I've ever seen. Obviously, the movie has very little in common with the games in terms of appearance. However, the concept basically remains the same. Mario and Luigi set out to rescue the princess from Bowser/Koopa (who is also nothing like the giant monster he was in the games).
When I was young, my surprise overshadowed my understanding of the movie. Now that I'm older and have seen it again, I can better appreciate some of the good ideas it offered, and put aside comparisons with the games.
The story of origin is very interesting. I found the whole idea of dimensions split into a world of people evolved from apes and a world of people evolved from dinosaurs to be quite unique. Also, I liked the ideas of the evolution machine and the ubiquitous living fungus. Of course, for good ideas in movies to work, they must be delivered well. In a lot of ways, Super Mario Bros does not succeed in this.
The acting is actually pretty poor. Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper do an OK job, but John Leguiazamo and Samantha Mathis not so much. The bumbling Iggy and Spike deliver their lines much in the same way that people in high school plays do. You can't really take the actions of the actors very seriously, even at times when one is supposed to. The love subplot between Luigi and Daisy is done very poorly. If the director tried to make it seem less serious, it would have been OK, but he tries and fails to make the audience feel it is genuine. Also, some of the "humour" almost makes you cringe, and is pretty hackneyed. Consult the quote section for some examples.
These flaws aside, I still found this movie enjoyable enough to watch all the way through. If you're afraid of wasting money on a rental, then wait for it to come on TV.
Earthworm Jim 2 (1995)
Better than the original, but last of good EWJ games.
Don't pay too much attention to Movie_Nutballs' review, as he simply uses the same review over again and just plugs in different titles.
This game seriously rocks. It has everything. Thats right. EVERYTHING.
Falling grannies? Yep
Malicious food? Yep
Anthropomorphic crows abusing puppies? Yep
Dressing up as a blind salamander and swimming through an intestinal track stopping only to participate in a game show (while still dressed as a salamander) to the tune of moonlight sonata? Yep
Thats just a taste of all the incredible stuff you can find in this game.
Seriously, if you can find this game, and have the right hardware, get it. Morte fun than a can of worms (which, by the way, is also in here).
King of the Hill (1997)
Not very entertaining.
I never really found this show to be very good at all.
You know a show is good when you actually care about the characters, and feel for them. In King of the Hill, I just don't get that. The characters just aren't likable. Thats not to say that they're obnoxious or that they make you hate them, but you just don't care about them. If they all died in a horrible accident in a single episode, I wouldn't feel sad about it. Their personalities are just way too dull.
The other thing I don't like about this show is that it actually tries to teach the viewer a lesson. In most shows like this (cartoons for an older audience), they might have a little moral at the end, but in KOTH, they actually seem to be trying to make you have a revelation. Now thats all well and good for kid's shows, but I watch cartoons like this to be entertained and laugh. KOTH just doesn't do that.
If you want to kill about half an hour before another program comes on, you might as well tune into this, but only after a fair bit of channel surfing.
Bob and Margaret (1998)
You call it witty, I call it pretentious and boring.
This show isn't funny. Did you hear me? I'll say it again, just in case. THIS SHOW IS NOT FUNNY.
Whats that? It has to be funny! It's British! After all they gave us Monty Python and The Office! Therefore, they are incapable of producing bad comedy.
Well looks like a monkey wrench was just thrown into that equation.
Everything about this show sucks. You know, there's a fine line between "subtle" and "monotonous". Now, before you pretentious jerks get on my case, I'll make it very clear that I "get" this show. It really isn't very complicated. But it certainly isn't exciting.
I don't know if there are still new episodes, but if there are, its gotta end.
By the way, just to remind you, this show isn't funny, never was, and I'm beginning to think it never will be. And I definitely won't be sticking around to see.
The Untold (2002)
A little better than your standard low budget run-of-the-mill horror movie, but not by enough
*This comment may technically contain "spoilers" but it sure doesn't contain surprises*
My cousin and I rented this the other day hoping to get a good laugh at a typical amateur crappy excuse for a horror movie. Unfortunately, we didn't get too many laughs, and we certainly didn't get too many scares either.
Plot outline: A plane containing a company head's daughter and some weird piece of technology crashes in an area where our furry friend lives, so the company head assembles a team of personalities, rather than skilled hunters, to recover it.
For the first 3/4's of the movie, things get pretty boring. It mostly consists of shots of Big Foot lurking in the trees with the party members occasionally hearing him, and passing it off as nothing. We also see several shots of the party through Big Foot's point of view, and he apparently sees in thermal vision.
To set up the plot, we have to watch sequences of the group sitting around the campfire talking about possibilities to justify the sasquatches existence and actions. "maybe he can dodge bullets...if he sees them coming". Sure enough, we later see he can. "There are many uncharted lands that the sasquatch may live in. Maybe this is one of them that was over-looked". And obviously it is. "Maybe the Sasquatch is angry because the plane hit one of his family members". And sure enough, thats the case. Along with those scenes, there are a couple of "Oh my god its the sasquatch oh wait its just you!" scenes, and sadly, they are among the scariest.
Then, finally, people start dying. Well, 2 people at least. Plus, the bodies of past victims are discovered. The death scenes are pretty lame. It mostly just leaves it to our imagination by showing the Sasquatch grabbing them, then cutting to a different scene, but first, we are treated to some horrible screams off camera.
Then at last, we get to see the protagonist's final showdown with the monster. I gotta admit, I found it pretty exciting while it lasted. But alas, it's pretty short lived, and after we are treated to an ending that makes a half assed effort to seem cryptic. Then, some closing text with a rather boring conclusion.
I can't say I recommend this movie. It's not quite bad enough to give the Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and its definitely not scary enough and boring to enjoy as a horror movie. Just don't bother with it.
Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)
A movie that I just don't find very funny anymore.
I first watched Gremlins 2 at a pretty young age. Approximately 9 or 10, and despite not having watched the first movie at the time and not knowing what the hell was going on, I absolutely loved it. At my age, this stuff was the pinnacle of comedic genius. My cousin and I would rent it nearly every time one of us visited each other and we'd laugh the night away at it.
But around the ages of 14, my cousin and I, having not watched the movie in quite a long time, picked it up again. And, well, it just didn't seem very funny this time. Sure, there are still a few things that still give me a chuckle, but the mad laughter is long gone.
10-12 is probably the ideal age to enjoy this movie. Anyone younger will probably find it too frightening, and anyone older probably won't find it funny.
Mona the Vampire (1999)
Now heres an interesting program. The adventures of a "vampire" girl and her 2 almost as delusional friends "Zapman" and "Princess Giant" (Charley and Lily), often antagonized by nasty spoiled rich girl Angela, as well as an assortment of other monsters.
Each episode consists of the 3 friends solving a supernatural mystery involving things such as the boogeyman to boy-bird hybrids to alien plots involving burger sauce. My favorite thing about the story is that it lets the viewer judge how much of whats going on is real by using a strange transition effect between scenes of normality and scenes involving the supernatural events.
All in all its a great kids show, but even at 17, I have a lot of fun watching it.
What About Mimi? (2000)
Strangely, I like this
I'm not really sure why I like this show. There's just a certain charm about it that keeps me watching. It's quite an eye-catching, very colorful show, which is part of it's appeal. But it's not very funny, and doesn't really try to be either.
I don't really know if I should recommend it for people my age (17) because I can't see too many of them enjoying it. However, 9 and 10 year old's would probably be the ideal ages to enjoy it.
Basically, the show consists of a spunky, red-headed sixth grader Mimi, who takes it upon herself to try to solve all her friend's and family's problems regardless of whether or not they ask. There's also the obligatory mean spirited too-good-for-everyone rival and former friend Sincerity. Simple premise, but gets the job done well