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Death Machines (1976)
As bad as this movie is, I really like it. The poor acting, dialogue and action made it so funny. I loved John Travis from Omega Cop and stayed up all night working out how the Death Machines checked in at the airport if they can't speak, probably had to shake/nod at the security questions. Actually why can't they speak!? It fails to adhere to any sort of movie making convention which makes it strangely interesting to watch- just lots of people getting killed around a very loose plot surrounding hired killers - no "machines" as such and those weird face/mountain things on the front cover and the trailer do not appear! I love the fact that there is no good guy in this film until about half way through and I love the numerous pointless scenes of that aeroplane landing - lots of people get killed who have nothing to do with the "plot" and no explanation is given about anything - DO NOT expect to understand this film. Instead admire how the main good guy can't even handle a random old guy in the bar - who is presented as the bad guy yet speaks out against the barman's decision to hire a scantily clad woman to dance badly in the corner for "entertainment" - all the good guys seem to enjoy this! Why did old guy get to beat up our hero - and why did the random bloke decide to help old guy in the fight?! Why did the hero collapse under one punch from old guy onto the bar where a stream of water jets out in the background so it looks like it's coming from his mouth? Definite Top 20 B-Movie, must check for a part 2.
OK so the Russians are developing secret nuclear missiles and are selling them to the American Mafia, who only want to buy them so they can use them to trick the Russians into blowing themselves up. The best scene must be when the main character, who looks like Lee from Steps, jumps out of a window (to avoid a grenade). He magically turns into Phil Collins in mid air, and lands (once again as Lee) on a Van conveniently placed below. He then gets up and runs back up to his apartment, while the baddies run down the stairs on the way out - How they failed to meet en route is a complete mystery, he must have used the lift and the baddies had read the script and knew they would have to use the stairs! Also the grenade has done so little damage to the apartment that he should have just stayed in there in the first place! Really good b-movie!
Buyer beware! There are only 2 comments about this film on IMDb (before this one) and both appear on the front cover of the film! I'd have been gutted if it were my £4 forked out on this shower of excrement! This movie is TERRIBLE and certainly isn't funny! It could easily have been completed inside one day and doesn't meet the unintentionally funny requirement which makes similarly badly produced films like troll 2 far more worthwhile. The humour is deliberate and at the same time unfunny, I have no idea who this kind of film is made for! Went on for far too long and an ending never seemed likely to arrive until our audience was spared by the "to be continued..." text. Killer Christmas trees has so much potential - Why did the blind girl get cured by a bit of chlorine! Why does where's waldo bloke simply not care at all that his wife is getting hounded by rich bloke? Why do the trees kill some people but turn others into rubber figurines? This film was punishing!
Blood Warriors (1993)
HAHA, this film is absolutely amazing and rightfully claims its place in the top 10 b-movie list and features a scene which will surely be inducted to the b-movie hall of fame. This involved David Bradley jumping off a 30ft house and cushioning the impact with a very mincy forward roll in super slow motion - he then proceeds to jump on to a table and then back off again (for no reason) and then completes his ruthless assault on the laws of physics by spreading his arms out and flying across the road and landing majestically onto the roof of a car. This routine would certainly receive a flawless 10.0 score from any reasonable judge of reasonable fortitude. More great action scenes involve the amazing flying kick, which covers an incredible amount of distance. This film adheres to a level of greatness of the highest order and I feel honoured to have seen it. If you enjoy watching films that are so bad they're amazingly good - then this is perfect. I Have already made room in my timetable to ensure that I can watch this gem again tomorrow!
Deadly Reactor (1989)
Outstanding movie! The plot is incredible - it is supposed to concern the events following a nuclear holocaust but apparently the buildings (except the doors which have been replaced by sheets!), the dog and the horses (who must have found an appropriate bomb shelter at the time) have all survived! We hear random references to the holocaust throughout the film but "the plot" really didn't need it and apparently only the water possesses a threat of radiation. The main character is for no logical reason whatsoever known as "The Reactor" even though he is the slowest character to react to every situation which arises. The falling in love of the main character and the girl occurs after just one (appalling) line and in the space of just a few hours. The main villain, Hogg, only seeks to kill people and rape women whereas the hero just wants to kill bad guys, preferably after they've just killed someone important, since he can only react (slowly) to events. There is absolutely no reason for this movie to exist, it's mostly a musical with action scenes pieced together with complete disregard to script continuity. If you love B-movies this is priceless. Definite top 10 B-Movie candidate!
Pembalasan rambu (1986)
There is NO movie better than this! (may contain spoilers)
This sets the standard for all other B-Movies and contains everything: great action, amazingly funny dubbing, dubious script continuity, characters who influence the plot but don't actually appear in the film, an outstanding soundtrack and super evil villains. Rather than attempt to sum up this Herculean effort by the likes of Peter O'Brian and Craig Gavin, I've listed the main 10 things that this film has taught me:
1) The best way to pressure people is to kidnap their young and beautiful daughter. 2) Random Australian soap stars may appear during battle scenes. 3) You shouldn't store the only things you own in a basket, they will be destroyed. 4) Lead pipes are often supplied at dinner evenings should you wish to destroy the tables. 5) If you're the hero, it's fine to allow the villain to shoot at you from point blank range before whistling for assistance as it's likely the gun will be unloaded. 6) Don't be alarmed, the sound of footsteps may continue even after you sit down. 7) "Why?" is a perfectly reasonable response to questions regarding your constant involvement in other people's problems. 8) In the space of 24hrs following the brutal murder of your wife, it is fine to start pulling other woman and also 24 hours is about the time it takes between meeting someone and declaring that they're "like a father" to you. 9) If your name is Bobby and you have a very minor role as the Hero's friend, there's a very good chance you'll die. 10) Always inform people that they've cut you when they attack you with a knife, this may not be clear to them.
Watch this! You won't be disappointed!!
this film's greatest asset, is its predictability !SPOILERS WITHIN!
Hail, movie fans! !SPOILERS WITHIN! Sick of plots that keep you guessing? Me too! So I was over-joyed when presented with "Chains" as a birthday present. From the first 10 seconds I could predict exactly what would happen, who would die, and in what order. Forget complicated plots with twists and turns, Chains brings movie-making back to basics. Perhaps its only flaw is that the film almost allows the token black character to make it out alive. The plot seems to have been written before any characters were added. The film could have, and probably should have ended after 3mins 20 seconds, but for a life changing decision. Do we, a) drive off to safety, or b) hang around a dodgy neighbourhood, after luckily surviving one encounter with a street gang. Luckily for you, the viewer, our lead Quartet opted for option B, and the story goes from there. Where it goes, I'm not quite sure, neither are the actors, delivering each line independent of the film in general.
I whole heartedly recommend this film to all B-Movie lovers.
P.S. If you ever have somebody you suspect would like to kill you tied up on the floor, and you see him try to escape, just turn away and run. I'm sure everything will turn out fine.
PP.S, If your girlfriend has something to tell you, but wishes to do so "later", you can safely assume she's pregnant, and that either you, her , or both of you will end up dead by the end of the night's proceedings.