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Rise of the Black Bat (2012)
Flop of the Black Bat
What in the name of holey bat **** is this? This is not a spin-off of the Batman movies, nor is it a different take on Batman, but it's in fact just a rip-off of Batman that I would be pleased if Warner Bros did sue those responsible for this movie with copyright infringement.
First off, the cover of the DVD. It contains screen clips taken from Dark Knight Rises, misleading people into thinking, "Oh, this film had a budget, look that bike looks just like the actual one". SUE THEM WARNER, PLEASE. Those images are misleading and just there to get suckers money.
The plot is about a lawyer who takes on a case against one of the cities top gangsters. The bad guys jump the lawyer and throw acid in his eyes. Case closed! Apparently if the lawyer is blind, it's a mistrial in this town.
The lawyer has treatment all over the world trying to get his eyesight back, and eventually finds someone who can fix it, but when it comes back, he has night-vision and hates sunlight. He figures that this is a gift he must use, and goes out hunting the criminals of the street with a bullet proof vest, a batman cow, no cape but he has a gun.
You can guess the rest of the story and how it pans out already, so no need for me to tell you anymore about it.
The filming is amateur, the actors are worse, the plot is a joke, and the movie is bad. Need I say anymore to convince you never to see this piece of garbage that should never have been made? You won't even find a copy of this on Amazon, I already looked... hopefully because WB are suing them for making this garbage and advertising it with stills of the real Batman movies on it.
Il nano e la strega (1973)
Little Richards Escape
King Dick is about a dwarf who is being chased around by a witch who has had a curse placed on her. After the dwarfs master tells his servant (Little Dick) to seek out the witch to help with his erectile dysfunction, she becomes infatuated with Dick and forces her way with him. She then makes a deal with the master that if she cures his problem, in return she wants to keep Dick. However Dick doesn't find her desirable and runs away, so the rest of the movie is her trying to get back her Little Dick in order to gain the 69 orgasms she needs in order to break her curse and become a young beautiful woman again.
There is some humorous moments that still hold up to this day, mostly toilet humor and a few funny animations, but most of the movie is pretty drawn out and this would probably highly benefit being cut down to a short 5 to 10 minute piece showcasing the decent parts, and forgetting about the rest of the endless dragging on of scenes.
I managed to find this on DVD, in Australia, I don't know if it is still in circulation for purchase, but don't get your hopes up as the DVD is a direct copy from VHS, with grain, rolling frames and all.
Apparently this movie has a small cult following in the U.K, but it wouldn't surprise me if that following has completely died off. For someone of my generation, I see this as almost a Hanna Barbara type of parody in the more X-rated adult market, but I would still happily watch Smurfs or Flintstones over watching this movie again anytime soon.
The plot and premises do sound much funnier then it really is, but the low budget animation and, as I said, countless scenes dragging the whole thing out really don't make it something you should kick yourself to ever seek out and check out for yourself.
Cu Cu Cu Umm Umm Umm?
Well, here I am reviewing a porno movie! Hey, we all love porn now and then, especially if you love horror movies and Jason Voorhees is one of your horror movie iconic heroes. But how well does a XXX parody version come across when it's based on a slasher in a hockey mask?
Well, let's put it this way. What there is of a plot to this film, a guys grandmother passed away and she left him his nudist camp. So now he has decided to fix up his inheritance and re-open "Camp Crystal Lake, the Nudist Colony". I'm sure if the writers or ideas people behind this movie put there heads together a little longer, they could have come up with a better name then that, but anyway, back to the plot; The camp had been closed down due to a man who was said to have a penis so large, that when he went swimming, he drowned from the weight of his own 'meat and two veg'...
But the folk stories around the town say he mated with the bottom of the lake, and now returns as a monster who can ejaculate some kind of acid that melts away skin if it touches it. This ends up in results of some mild ?sbelunkie? scenes (whatever that word is)
Basically the rest of the movie is a bunch of people supposedly getting ready to open the place up again, but they can't keep there hands off each other... and of coarse, you know who, comes and... well, yeah, he comes.
To not try and spoil any of the movie, I will just tell you what sort of scenes you can expect. The first one is a type of female domination, but not really a BDSM thing, more a master to slave thing involving some commanding and anal sex. Next is a pretty straight forward sex scene. Somewhere in the midst is a MFF 3 way, also a slower softer scene that begins with a bit of a strip tease, and the rest is pretty average stuff with what you expect out of these things. It doesn't cater to much more then pretty average stuff, so don't expect much to be wild and crazy or something highly memorable. Tho, you may find something you do, but i'm just saying, don't look for anything out of the ordinary.
Also, any gore fans interested, yeah, you will be pretty disappointed... keep in mind that this is still a low budget film, and not looking to impress "Fangoria" or anything.
So, to break this down into what one might do in a real review, I will judge it from 1 to 10 in these categories.
Entertainment: 4 Sex Scenes: 7 Horror: 0 Comedy: 3 Parody: 3 Acting: 3
So yep, as you probably expected... don't go in looking for a great plot, or a scary movie involving better sex then in the real Friday the 13th films... but the sex scenes, well, if it's your taste/your thing, you may like it... other wise, it's more a curiosity thing to see how they parody Friday the 13th in the porn film... but, the thing is, it's hardly even worthy of being called parody, as it's not really funny at all.... plus, I know this an adult x rated film, but I really have to say... the ending is stupid. Why did they end it that way? It's just dumb.
Worthy of watching once, much better then the 1980's parody of Friday the 13th that had Amber Lynn in it, and you could probably also say it's better then Friday the 13th part 8... and it's quite possibly one of the better so called "parody" films that have been popping up in the XXX world... but again, it's not that memorable, and I'm sure it will end up a movie that will mostly only spark interest from the actual F13th fans who may hear through the grapevine a porno version exists starring Jason Voorhees.
1 Night in China (2004)
One night of Xpac filming his own *Bleep*
I gotta say, I only bought this cause of all the hype around the internet that Chyna and X-pac (Sean Waltman?) did this film, and had it not been on sale for under 10 bucks I never would have got it. However, even at that price, I now feel ripped off and know it's not really worth watching even if you got to watch it for free.
The whole thing seems to be nothing but X-Pac filming his own ding-dong while Chyna lays in the same position for most of the night making annoying sounds that don't go anywhere. She can't seem to climax, and gives off the impression shes faking it.
It doesn't matter to me if she is or she isn't, but the whole things was a waste of time to watch, and I don't expect to see a sequel anytime soon.
Skull Heads (2009)
Weird, but not good weird.
When I was reading that this movie is made by the same people who made the Puppetmaster series, I thought this may be a cool little movie to check out. How wrong and mislead I was.
The film is about a family that live in a castle somewhere in Italy. They are somewhat a family something like the Addams Family but not as bizarre as more just insane. The father of family does not take kindly to strangers, and wants his free spirit daughter to be kept isolated from the outside world. However the castle is visited by 3 people who claim they want to inspect the castle for a Hollwood film, the father says no, but the daughter ends up inviting them over for dinner, and there real agenda begins to unfold. A story that is told by the mother to the three is that the castle is protected by these guardian angels known as The Skull Heads. And they have the ability to bring back the dead if necessary, but will not harm anyone unless they are evil.
Now if that plot sounds stupid, it's because it is. These Skull Head puppets they use in the film almost have no purpose at all in the film, they look silly, and if they decided to cut there scenes out, and just call the movie something else, it might make a little more sense then why the whole movie is supposed to be based around these things that have probably a total of 5 to 10 mins in the whole movie.
Fans of the Puppetmaster series, like myself, will be really disappointment in this movie. It wont surprise me if anyone who watches this movie will see the end credits start rolling, leaving you sitting there thinking, "Is that it?" it's like someone pulled the plug on making the rest of the movie and printed what they had done so far for a release. I highly doubt it will get a sequel as this one is not going to make very much from sales and will not generate much interest from anyone who doesn't know it's relation to the Puppetmasters. However, even the puppetry in this movie from 2009 is a really poor effort compared to even the original Puppetmaster movie... I think even Howdy Doody looked more appealing then the things in this movie.
The acting of the film is also off. The father seemed to be trying to act like Robert England, but not doing a good job of making his character believable enough, you hate him one minute, then not the next, and it really felt out of balance for a horror movie. The mother was also the same, she does things that makes her seem sweet and kind, then other things that make no sense why she is so snobby. The daughter is just weird going from normal to a little girl to a nut case and round and round. The uncle is something you expect to go a different way by the end, but doesn't, the chefs of the house do a decent job for there role, and the 3 hollyweeders who come to check out the place seemed OK for a while, then got too goofy by the end... tho the end of it was really goofy anyway so i don't expect any other actor would have taken these roles seriously either.
Overall, it might sound good to try and take a family like The Addams and incorporate PuppetMaster into it, but this movie will show you exactly how not to do it. The plot is weird, things don't make sense, things where not needed, like the Skull Heads themselves and the daughters time wasting nude scene, the acting goes from decent to bad, too many things left unanswered, or just should not have been there in the first place if it doesn't play out later, I could go on, but just take my word, if you are going to check this film out, don't have high expectations, it is a real let down.
What they should do, is cut out the highly unneeded and useless nude scene, give it a PG rating and let.... no, hang on, even kids would find this movie stupid.
Captain N, what a joke
The Mario World show itself wasn't all that great, but they seemed a lot better then those stupid cartoons of Captain-N they showed in between the episodes. They're just bad, bad, bad, bad... not to forget lame, lame, lame, lame.
Also the names of the Koopa kids seem to be different from the games. I cant remember them, but I thought it was weird hearing different ones as to what I was familiar with. I loved Mario World on SNES, but this cartoon doesn't do it any justice.
It may entertain the young-in's but it's nothing to be excited about seeing.
The DVD's for Mario World are available from www.ezydvd.com.au (region 4) but there not worth it I don't think unless you a re a super die hard fan of Mario.
AC/DC: Family Jewels (2005)
AC/DC: Highvoltage DVD
As a hardcore AC/DC fan I was stoked at the release of this DVD. It contains most of the video clips that AC/DC have done, but however, it is not all of them I was disappointed to find out.
On disc one is the Bon era, there are some clips i'd never seen before like Show Business and some clips from Highway To Hell performed on a live show in '79. (tho,m they are miming and not playing live!)
On disc 2 is most of the Brian era.
But what was truly disappointing was how many clips where left off. There where many alternate clips from the Bon era, and many live clips that later replaced Studio clips. Then as it comes to an end, the last clip is off The Razors Edge album (1990) Are You Ready... Rock Your Heart Out has been left off, as well as all the clips after that from Big Gun, the Ballbreaker album and Stiff Upper Lip.
Both DVD's run for about 2 hours each, which makes me wonder who the hell did the DVD formatting? A DVD will hold 4 hours of footage without any worries, so this being a 2 disc set which could have all fit onto one disc. Notable missing clips are - Long Way To The Top (original studio version) - Dirty Deeds (2 alternate versions) - Dog Eat Dog (alternate versions) - Highway To Hell (original studio version) - Girls Got Rhythm (original studio version) - Let There Be Rock (live versions) - You Shook Me All Night Long (original studio version) - TNT (original, and Live versions) - Let Me Put My Love Into You - Nervous Shakedown (both versions) - Rock Your Heart Out - Big Gun - Hard As A Rock - Hail Ceaser - Cover You In Oil - Ballbreaker (live) - Stiff Upper Lip - Satellite Blues - Safe In NY City
It truly should have been a 3 disc set, or fix it right and make a true double set including bonus alternate clips. But oh well, it's here now. What is on it is worth owning and it's good to have them all in a nifty set.
Greeks on the Roof (2003)
Worst Show With Potential Australia Has Ever Seen.
Years ago a comedy show was on called "Acropylos Now" that had Effie as one of the main stars of the show. She was rude, tough, took no crap, had an attitude and a mean streak... then in 2002 she goes and kills the character completely by doing this show where she just looks the same, but has no attitude, she's polite, she's friendly and she doesn't insult anyone.
The talk show was a complete rip-off of the UK show "Kumars and Number 42"... now, the idea to make an Australian version could have worked, they just changed the family from Indian to Greek. The show very well could have worked, but i think in the entire series there was only one put down, sort-of insult which came from the dopey brother asking a guy why he was British but still good at cricket. But that one line was not enough to save this badly, poorly written, poorly thought out, p!$$-weak of a show.
The family where stupid and not right for the part. The success of the Uk series comes with each character being entertaining, asking ridiculous but funny things, and hanging crap on the host. Where as this guaranteed bomb of a show had none of that, every time you expected a smart Aleck remark, there wouldn't be, every time you expected a come back, there wasn't one, when you expected a laugh, you where denied.
Congratulations to Mary Coustas for killing the Effie character... the show had potential, it could've worked if they did it right, but instead they only succeeded in a show that was guaranteed to bomb and be cancelled from the first episode.
The Slaughterhouse Massacre (2005)
Worst Movie Of 2005
I find it hard to believe anyone could enjoy this film. There is not one single thing positive to say about this awful mess of a film. A bad Z grade film not worthy of being int he B or C grade category.
Every thing about this movie is just bad. The acting, the plot, the editing, the scenes, the score, the soundtrack, the SFX, the sound, the image... believe me, they are all bad! The scenes need to be cut down to get the movie moving, the score doesn't work with the action, the soundtrack is horrible, the SFX are so bad you cant even laugh at them, the sound is so badly done a car slowly backing out of a spot on gravel has a loud skidding noise to it!! Trust me, it's bad! The worst thing about this film is the unnecessary nudity. A pathetic and poor excuse of a lesbian scene is added in to take up 5 minutes of the film, it has nothing to do with the movie, nothing to do with the plot, just a horny director who hasn't got a clue how to make a decent film.
You would honestly need a very, very, very, VERY low I.Q to think this movie is worth more then a 1 star vote. The only other vote I give this film is my personal vote for worst film of 2005. If more people have to suffer through sitting through this trying-too-hard-to-be a Nightmare On Elm Street Crossed with Friday The 13th rip-off then this will make the IMDb 100 worst films of all time list. It's definitely my pick for #1 worst horror movie. This movie is not paying homage to the films it rips-off, it is just a bad movie, badly scripted (if it had one) badly made, badly cut, badly presented, badly shot and badly in need being cut down.... look, it's a bad, bad, bad movie.
Don't bother watching it it even if it's on TV or you will have degraded yourself and never get back the IQ points you lost while viewing this. Small things, amuse small minds, and this is the granddaddy of those kind of films.
I wouldn't use this DVD as a coaster for my drinks if it was given to me for free! And I'd think twice before giving it away to someone else - it should just be burned and boycotted for being so terribly bad and scamming people out of there money to see it.
The only people I recommend watch this film is studant film makers. Just do every the opisote way it was done with this film, and you'll have a decent film. This movie is a classic egsample of how NOT to make a movie.
Jane Bond Meets Golden Rod (1987)
My All Time Fav!
This was one of the very first X rated films I ever saw! I've seen it too much, I think, no, I know i've seen it too much 'cause I actually know the plot!!! HAHHAHA Jane Bond is a secret agent for Control and her and her boss are on the hunt for stolen laser beams that there arch rival Golden Rod has stolen. They find there way into a warehouse and it turns out it's a set up for the leader of Control. Jane's been hipnostised and she leaves him with May Wong, or some name like that. And i'll give you one guess as to what she forces him to do to her.
Eventually he blows her mind with his own pistol and he takes control of the situation. And goes off to find Jane and un-hipnotise her to take on Golden Rod and his henchmen.
If you can find this film, it's not bad. The acting is actually fair seeing as how it's a porn movie! There's no pool boy and there's no guests who just walk onto screen. It apparently got a few sequels such as "Octopussy" and something else. But these where kind of funny.
Maybe there will be more coming soon like, "On top of her majestys secret service", "Dildos are forever" and "Two girls is never enough" and the list could go on forever. I'm surprised not many of the perverts who write these things have gone for the Bond style parody.