Reviews written by registered user
JoeB131

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881 reviews in total 
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The Omen (1976)
Holds up relatively well, 15 October 2017
10/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

So there was this time when Satan was more popular in Hollywood than Harvey Weinstein and only slightly less evil. One of the results of this was the Omen Trilogy, of which this was the only good movie.

An American Ambassador son dies on June 6, at 6 AM (6-6-6, get it?) and they give him a replacement baby. Later on, Doctor Who tells him that he needs to embrace Jesus! Then he gets impaled on a spike and doesn't regenerate.

Meanwhile, the Ambassador teams up with David Warner where they discover the extent of the Satanist plot to put the Anti-Christ in a position to take over the world. It finishes with a confrontation at the end where the Anti-Christ lives to be in two more movies.

On a related note, one of the major characters talks about having an abortion. Something a major character in a movie would never talk about today.

the movie is quite good and atmospheric, with Jerry Goldsmith's score making things scary without a huge special effects budget. They managed the atmospherics very well.

36 out of 62 people found the following review useful:
Boring, missing the point of the original, 8 October 2017
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

In the ongoing tradition of Harrison Ford's Action heroes of the 1980's turning out to be really terrible dads, we have Blade Runner 2049, the sequel to 1982's Blade Runner.

We meet a replicant cop named K who is of a new variety that doesn't rebel unlike those bad ones in the movies. So he tracks down a Runaway Nexus 8, even though in the original movie, we were assured that Nexus 8's only had 4 year lifespans. During the course of this, they discover the bones of Sean Young's character from the original movie, along with the realization she had given birth.

Our hero also has a relationship with a Hologram Girl for some reason. I guess so he is sad when she gets deleted later in the movie.

If you are watching this movie to see Harrison Ford reprise his role as Deckard, you don't get to see him walking around like someone's confused grandpa until 2 hours into an interminably long movie. (Seriously, I feel bad for Ford. Why does he do this to himself?)

So they want to find the child of Deckard and Rachel because this is a replicant that can reproduce, which is supposedly more efficient than just growing them, for some reason. They say they need more replicants to colonize the outer colonies, but of course, there are plenty of people living in squalor, including a child labor sweatshop.

I can't emphasize enough how long, boring, uninteresting this movie was. It's like they watched the original and still had no idea what made it a good movie.

The Mummy (2017)
1 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
An awful undead thing... and a Mummy, too!, 12 September 2017
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Yes, when you have to digitally enhance your 55 year old star so his body doesn't look old, that's gratuitous use of CGI.

So the plot is that 5000 years ago, the Princess Plot Device made a deal with the evil god Set to gain eternal life and magic powers. Then she is found by archaeologists, including Tom Cruise, who plays a Sergeant in the army who has a side business looting antiquities. But there is a secret society who fights monsters led by Fat Russell Crowe.

Why do we have this secret society? so that we can work in all the other Universal Monsters!

So we have more CGI, more shifts in tone between drama and comedy. More things they don't explain. Tom Cruise phoning it in.

46 out of 93 people found the following review useful:
I knew we were in trouble..., 11 September 2017
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

...when I found out that Brannon Braga and other people involved in Star Trek Voyager and Star Trek Enterprise were involved.

After years of making Star Trek Farces, they are making a Star Trek parody.

The problem, of course, is that the show isn't funny. It isn't even remotely funny. If you saw the previews, you saw all the parts that were kind of funny, but actually became less funny in context.

so the running gag is that the Captain character has his ex-wife as his first officer, and they bicker about why their marriage broke up when fighting the aliens. or something.

Seriously, didn't laugh once during the whole pilot episode. I just kept thinking, "wouldn't it be cool if they brought these kinds of production values to a serious SF Show?"

I give this about six episodes before everyone loses interest.

4 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
A movie more schizo than Harley!, 8 September 2017
2/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

The problem with this movie is tone. Some scenes are serious with the villains slaughtering people.

And other scenes are goofball comedy.

they don't fit together.

This movie also had Batman ratcheting the jerkiness factor up, to the point where you don't really like him all that much. And I like most other work Kevin Conroy has done as Batman in the DC Animated Universe.

So the plot is that Poison Ivy teams up with the Floronic man to reproduce the Swamp Thing's accident and turn everyone into plants. Except they don't know what they are doing and they might kill all life on Earth. And no, the rest of the Justice League is too busy, so why are we taking time to establish there is a Justice League?

too many in-jokes, including sexual innuendo.

So they have the funny scene in the Henchmen Bar... which again, doesn't fit with the rest of the movie and a race against time to stop the end of the world.

Seriously, someone should have gone over the script before they started drawing animation cells...

Ed Wood wasn't the only one making "Ed Wood" movies, 14 August 2017
5/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Considering how cheaply this movie was made, it's not bad for what it is.

The plot line is that an android made with transistor radio parts is shot into space only to be shot down by some bizarre looking aliens, who've come to Earth because they've run out of women, except for their princess played by a playboy model.

So with lots of budget constraints and stock footage to fill out the rest, we have this film. It drags in a lot of places, but you do get to see those awesome 1960's bikinis on women who were amazingly sanguine about the whole alien abduction thing.

Pretty much everything is from the Ed Wood Playbook of how to make films with no budget. Stock footage, only do one take, don't bother getting people who can act.

1 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
I think there was a story in there somewhere, 30 July 2017
3/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This was based on some Japanese Manga that I haven't read, but it's mostly a lot of action schlock.

Scarlet and a bunch of actors you don't care about go from one action scene to another. Somewhere in the process she discovers that she used to be a Japanese homeless girl whose brain was put in a hot white killer android.

so beyond that, we have enough plot to hang the action scenes. Much like too many movies, they crowd the whole movie with so much CGI garbage, that it actually becomes distracting.

I've giving it one star for the action stuff, and two stars for Scarlet's skin tight suit. Some day she might even learn how to act.

Gorgo (1961)
3 out of 5 people found the following review useful:
British Version of a Rubber Monster Movie, 22 April 2017
5/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

While Japan has led in this genre, and America has done a few good things in it, this is the British take.

Which means everyone is totally calm no matter what is happening and no one gets terribly excited.

I give it credit in that its monster has a motivation...it wants its baby back. As opposed to your average Japanese Kaiju who just attacks because, you know, Japan.

The special effects aren't horrible, and Gorgo is a little more plausible than most of his Japanese kindred- he doesn't have lasers or fire breathe or something equally implausible. It's just big and it stomps things.

21 out of 39 people found the following review useful:
Note to Hollywood- Not everything needs a Gritty Reboot!, 17 January 2017
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I'm telling you this as a friend, Hollywood, before one of you decides we need a "My Little Pony" gritty reboot. I think you've destroyed enough happy childhood memories with your gritty reboots.

So in this gritty reboot, Toto is a German Shepherd, the Scarecrow is a homicidal maniac who beats people to death, The Wicked Witch of the West is a drug addicted madam of a bordello, and the Wizard is a fat Vincent D'onofrio. Oh, yeah, and Dorothy is hot! And shows lots of cleavage. And packs a gun! (We haven't seen the Tin Man and Lion yet, but I'm sure they won't be pretty, either.)

You know, because we are all gritty and edgy and let's take a dump on the source material.

Seriously, who is the audience for this, exactly?

1 out of 3 people found the following review useful:
Meh, the Theatrical Version was better, 13 November 2016
3/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Keeping in mind they cobbled this off the cutting room floor, it's really the same movie. certain scenes are changed, and it's more closely linked to the first movie.

Marlon Brando and Gene Hackman refused to come back and reshoot their scenes, so this is closer to the original vision of Richard Donner. Missing are some of the more comical scenes. How Lois figures out Clark is Superman is different (but dumber).

Obviously, they didn't retouch this in post, so some of the makeup jobs look pastier.

Okay- the ending. At the end, Superman does the whole "Fly around the Earth and Reverses time" bit so Lois forgets he's Superman and none of the events of the movie happen at all. Except the rude trucker in the dinner. He gets beaten up for something he may or may not remember? It feels like a cheat.

Nope, have to stick with my assessment, the version that came out in 1982 was much better.


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