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JoeB131

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827 reviews in total 
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Deep Space (1988)
When good actors go bad, 25 January 2015
3/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie has some good actors in it. Not marquis names, but people you've heard of. Charles Napier, Ron Glass and Julie Newmar.

And for some reason, they are doing a movie that rips off the Alien Movies for no good reason.

So, a satellite crashes on Earth, and releases an alien monster that proceeds to kill people. It's mostly about a pair of cops who don't play by the rules (Napier and Glass) investigating this incident, but we also have a group of shadowy government people who mostly stay a room with some consoles, and a psychic played by Julie Newmar, probably because they got her for a day and didn't know how to use her in the film.

The real star of this film is the badly done copy of the alien movies, which includes a "facehugger" a "chestburster" and an adult form, but we are totally not ripping off the Xenomorphs from Alien.

Ridley Scott and James Cameron had the good sense to hide their aliens to make them more menacing. This movie doesn't show that level of sophistication. They just stick the alien in early on.

The Item (1999)
A movie where their reach exceeded their grasp, 15 January 2015
5/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I think this movie had higher ambitions of being a horror, thriller but the cheapness of the sets and props made that impossible. The whole plot evolves around this worm like creature who manipulates the crooks who stole it into turning on each other.

It's actually a better film than the "Best of the Worst" guys made it out to be. If they had either had a better prop for the creature or did what smart filmmakers since Spielberg have done with inadequate props, and kept it off screen, they might have done better.

They have the strange scene where the crooks hunt down and kill four transvestites for some reason. It makes no sense really. The scene at the end where the art student/girlfriend has sex with the creature makes less sense.

I think the filmmakers were more interested in style than plot.

A bit of 1980's Schlock, 8 January 2015
7/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

.. that is probably getting a bit of renewed attention because Peter Capaldi was in it.

The plot is that a Scottish Archaeologist finds the skull of a dragon like beast on the site of an old convent. Meanwhile a Noblewoman is in charge of a cult that runs the local castle, while the descendant of knight who slew the worm in the middle ages fights her.

The film was made on the relative cheap, but had a lot of quality. Donahue, Hugh Grant (pre-Scandal) and Capaldi (Pre- Malcolm Tucker/Doctor Who) all ham it up appropriately without quite chewing the scenery.

Awesome amounts of nudity you'd never see in a movie today. Yes, we have become more prude, and it's not a good thing. Some freaky dream sequences.

Thanks, Red Letter Media, 1 January 2015
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

For pointing out this this actually existed.

So the plot is that a mad scientist makes a robot that look like one of two actresses, depending when the the scene was shot because the lead actress quit halfway through. Meanwhile, the guy who played Robin in the old Batman series has a plot to set off nuclear bombs.

The movie is set up of one sad gag after another, with people who can't act and people who didn't care. The acting is truly awful.

the problem with comedies is that you have to sustain an absurd premise for an hour or more. Good movies can pull this off. This one can't.

Nothing redeems this movie. Its not even funny in bad sense.

The Device (2014/I)
3 out of 4 people found the following review useful:
Student film garbage, 28 December 2014
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

May Contain Spoilers if you actually are expecting anything to happen. IT doesn't.

This movie lures you in with a really cool cover that shows a possibly naked woman being assaulted by alien machinery.

And the real movie has nothing like that. We don't have any aliens show up until the last five minutes and the effect are really, really cheesy.

Now, okay, they had a limited budget, but frankly, spending 90 minutes fretting over a billiard ball like that is a real threat is kind of silly.

Then we can get to the "actors". The two actresses are kind of plain looking. You know, like they aren't really professional actresses. The actor who plays the boyfriend comes off as creepy even before he gets possessed by creepy aliens.

Dredd (2012)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
That was Dredd-ful, 14 December 2014
4/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Did you see what I did there? Anyway, this movie continues the awful trend of making movies that are barely distinguishable from video games, with the expected result.

There's just enough dialog between shooting scenes to move the plot along to the next level.

I give this movie a bit of credit for playing the material straight, unlike the Sly Stallone atrocity of a few years ago. It actually respects the source material (which I'm not fan of), so it has that going for it But beyond that, it's just a big dumb action film with a character you don't care about all that much.

90 minutes of your life you will not get back, 7 December 2014
1/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie screams 'Student film project', except that most student film projects have a concept of what they are trying to do.

So you have some passable space scenes between an incomprehensible plot. There's apparently two factions of humanity, one some weird empire and the other a weird space religion based on abusing women so they all hate men. Or something.

And apparently the evil space empire entrusts their best weapon to the son of a political dissident.

So what we have are excuses for space battle scenes that are probably the only somewhat good thing in this movie. The acting is dreadful.

1 out of 1 people found the following review useful:
Nichelle Nichols, 9 November 2014
4/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

There was this sad, short period after the first Good Trek films came out and before we got saturated with bad Star Trek TV shows that the actors of Star Trek tried to cash in on their names in cheap films.

This was one of them.

Nichelle Nichols plays an Army Sergeant bringing a small group of troops out to the middle of the woods. Which never actually really happens in the Army. They immediately encounter the zombies of Confederate Soldiers who proceed to pick them off like nice plot device monsters.

And that's kind of it.

Nichols is the only thing anyone can remember in this movie, and the word we are looking for is "miscast".

Dark Space (2013)
Some potential, 9 November 2014
5/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This movie was okay for a low-budget SF movie.

The plot is six college kids (who all look like they are in their early 30's, but Hollywood.) rent a spaceship for a vacation and then screw with the auto-pilot. They stumble into a war between aliens and soldiers on a black ops situation where they are genociding the aliens and killing any witnesses.

And that's the plot, that they have to milk 92 minutes of movie.

The acting was poor. We also never got a feeling for the universe they live in and they are really kind of blasé about being on a planet that amazingly looks like Earth. Lots and lots of footage of people walking around. The Walking Around itself didn't make a lot of sense. If the ship was fixable, they all should have worked on fixing the ship.

47 Ronin (2013)
1 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Mixing History with CGI embellishment and getting, 8 November 2014
2/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

two stars. And I'm being generous.

Okay, my biggest problem with this movie - Keanu Reeves. Another case of a white guy being a better Asian than the Asians.

So a group of Masterless Samurai avenge the death of their master, blah, blah, blah... except this is a special magic version of Japan where mythological creatures are "real"- which means, rendered by bad CGI.

So you have the love interest with no chemistry. you have some scene with White Guy Making You Look Bad having mystical powers. and beyond that, CGI is Still not a substitute for plot and character.

They have an ending when everyone commits suicide, because, hey, we can't have an ending where the hero gets the girl.

I'm glad this movie lost money.


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