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Shrek Forever After (2010)
Well, it's better than part 3.
SHREK FOREVER AFTER or SHREK THE FINAL CHAPTER (or whatever you want to call it) is better than SHREK THE THIRD but that's not saying much.
Seems Shrek is sick of the new life that he has and wants to go back to his old life where people are still afraid of Ogres and he doesn't have to deal with the baggage that comes with being a parent. Hey, if that is the case, you should of wrapped your Ogre dong up with an Ogre condom and your problem should have been solved.
Anyway, Shrek makes a deal with Rumplestiltskin (an annoying voice if I ever did hear one) and suddenly Shrek is swept back to a day when people ARE still afraid of Ogres and he doesn't have the responsibilities of dealing with his offspring. Plus, he no longer has Fiona has his devoted wife. I say devoted cause she made the choice to stay an ugly Ogre instead of the beautiful Princess that she "sorta" was cause she knew that she loved Shrek and that she would pretty much do anything for him. That shows devotion. For Shrek to make a deal with Rumple-dumbass so that he could live his old, so called "normal" life for one day again just shows ignorance on his part.
So, like I have to say it, Shrek realizes that he wants the life back that he had with his wife and his kids and his old friend Donkey and all those other asses. Only thing is, in order for Shrek to get the life back that he had, he must break the deal he had with Rumple-foreskin by kissing Fiona cause in the fine print clause on the deal he made with you-figure-it-out it says something about "True Loves Kiss' or something along those lines. It's only "true love" if Fiona actually loves him. Of course other things happen along the way and of course Fiona does love him by the end of the movie. I don't necessarily consider that a spoiler cause if your reading this and you couldn't figure that out than, well, your an idiot. lol.
Anyway, once again, this movie is better than the 3rd one but, like I said, that's not saying much. I really do hope Dreamworks ends the Shrek franchise with this movie. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
Witless Protection (2008)
Forgive me...I laughed!
OK, rag on me if you want to but WITLESS PROTECTION is funnier than HEALTH INSPECTOR and DELTA FARCE. I'm not a big fan of Larry The Cable Guy but I do occasionally find myself laughing at his off color, backwoods redneck jokes. Though I do believe that out of all the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" comedians that Ron White is the funniest hands down.
Anyway, Larry stars in this movie as a small town sheriff trying to make it big. Like FBI big. While hanging out at the local diner where his old lady works (Jenny McCarthy), Larry witnesses 4 ominous looking men dressed in black enter the diner with a blonde bombshell in tow (Ivana Milicevec). Larry, thinking that they have kidnapped the lady, follows them to the local gas station, causes a diversion and snatches the lady away from her entourage of kidnappers. But these men in black are actually FBI agents transporting the lady to Chicago, Illinois where she is the key witness in a big corruption case (think Enron). After awhile though, Larry thinks that these fellars are up to no good and actually want to do harm to the lady and not protect her. So Larry, using his small town Sheriff's intuition, decides that he will deliver the lady to Chicago himself. And mayhem ensues upon the way.
OK, I will admit that there are jokes in here that I disliked in Health Inspector. Those being fart jokes. But damn, I found myself laughing more than I ever thought possible over a Larry The Cable Guy movie. One thing that I didn't quite understand was the scene where Larry's blows up his vehicle trying to make it out that the lady died in the fire. Anyway, it goes right from that scene to a scene where she is at the funeral home, in the casket, and the bad guys show up and Larry tells them that she is dead and they just accept it. Now, I really don't think that the lady's body would go right from the scene of the accident to the funeral home, all ready for public viewing. But, being that it is a Larry The Cable Guy movie, I guess I should just throw all logic right out the window.
Better than Health Inspector? Yes. Better than Delta Farce? Yes. A great movie? No. But there are worse ways you could pass an hour and a half of your life.
The Final Destination (2009)
The Final Destination? Well, one could hope.
When I viewed 'FINAL DESTINATION 3', I logged into IMDb.com (The best movie database on the web!) and wrote a comment for it. In that comment, I stated that New Line Cinema should look at 'Final Destination 3' as "the one that killed the franchise". Apparently, no one over at New Line Cinema logs into IMDb.com (shame on them!) to read user comments. Perhaps they should. I gave 'Final Destination 3' 3 out of 10 stars and stated that "My rating of 3 is for DEATH SCENES only!" And that is what it was for cause that's all 'Final Destination 3' had going for it.
Now, 3 years later, those folks over at New Line Cinema decide to dish out 'The Final Destination', the 4th installment of the franchise that IS even crappier than the 3rd one. Crappy story, crappy deaths, crappy everything. Well, I didn't get to see this in 3-D so I can't say that was crappy.
The movies begins at a racetrack, where Nick O'Bannon (Bobby Campo) and his friends are watching a race. Nick has a premonition and sees a really bad car wreck happen and mayhem ensue. By that, I mean people flee the bleachers in mass hysteria as others around them get killed. One girls has an engine land right on her. A guy falls back toward a broken board, and the board goes in the back of his head and out his mouth. Nick snaps out of his premonition and begins telling his friends what he just saw. They, along with others, leave the bleachers. Naturally, the wreck does happen and Nick and his friends and the people they don't know have cheated death. We all know what happens after that.
The death scenes in this movie were crappy. The only good death, I thought, was the escalator death. And you know people have run out of ideas for good death scene when they borrow a scene out of the first one when one of the characters in here gets slammed by a vehicle. How original. The death scenes also seemed to be quick, not really letting us absorb what has just happened.
FD3 killed the franchise. FD4 buries it in the ground and I really hope they don't dish up another 'Final Destination' film. Well, one could hope.
Makes Men Look Bad!
'TEETH' stars Jess Weixler as Dawn O'Keefe, a girl who has decided to stay pure until she is happily married. Dawn grows up all her life in the vicinity of a nuclear power plant, which would explain the "teeth" in her vagina. We get the idea when, in a scene earlier in the movie, Dawn and her step brother Brad (John Hensley) are in a pool together. Through his body actions, we know that he has exposed himself to her. "I showed you mine now show me yours," he says. She does. His finger travels south. Chomp! The tip is almost bitten off.
Cut to when Dawn is in her teens. "Purity" is the best thing for her and she preaches to other teens about the importance of remaining pure until you find your soul mate. Dawn likes Tobey (Hale Appleman) and he likes her. Dawn and Tobey go out but only with another couple so temptations to "do the deed" will remain low. Finally, they decide to go to a local swimming hole together. There is a waterfall with a cave behind it. They swam into the cave and climb out of the water. They start making out. Dawn wants Tobey to stop. Tobey really doesn't want to, saying that he hasn't masturbated in 3 months. Somehow the back of Dawn's head manages to get whacked off the rocks and she is knocked out. Now's Tobey's chance to get some action. He penetrates her. She comes to and realizes what is going on, trying to push him off from her. That's when it happens. Chomp! There goes Tobey's wiener. Tobey is completely deserving of getting his member chomped off cause he took advantage of Dawn while she was passed out and basically raped her. Tobey falls back into the water and Dawn gets the hell out of there. I think if I was a girl and realized that there was something unnatural about my vagina, I'd be out of there too.
Dawn goes to see Dr. Godfrey (Josh Pais) so she can have her hoohaw examined. The doctor puts some lube on his fingers and proceeds to penetrate her with four of his fingers, saying stuff like, "Oh, you're tight." Chomp! There goes his fingers. When they are being reattached in surgery, he is asked by the surgeon, "Are you sure you don't want to tell us how this happened?" The doctor doesn't. How would he explain that? "Oh, I was practically raping a girl with my fingers and her vagina bit them off." He was deserving of this too.
Dawn has sex with Ryan (Ashley Springer) and nothing happens. Could she finally have found the right person? Not quite. They have sex again, and, in mid sex, Ryan's phone rings. He answers it. This throws Dawn off. He starts talking with his friend on the other end. "Yeah, I told you I would. I'm having sex with her right now." Dawn asks who it is. Ryan answers and says that he had a bet with his friend whether or not he would have sex with Dawn. Chomp! There goes Ryan's wiener. This is probably the goriest part in the whole movie. Was Ryan deserving of having his wang chomped off by Dawn's monster vagina? You bet your ass.
Dawn finally decides to use this to her advantage. She decides that she is going to have sex with her step brother cause he's wanted to have sex with her for the longest of times. They do the deed and...chomp! There goes his johnson. He stays in his bed, holding his mutilated junk. She stands in front of him, does a little move and his tally whacker falls out of her love tunnel and lands on the floor. His pit bull comes over and eats it up. Talk about giving the dog a bone. lol.
Dawn decides to leave town. She catches a ride with an old man. She falls asleep. The old man pulls into a truck stop. Dawn wakes up and looks over at the old man. He his sticking his tongue in and out at her as if offering her oral sex. Dawn looks at the camera and smiles. And then the movie ends. One can only assume that the old man is gonna get his tongue working and then...chomp!
Now, here is my problem with 'TEETH'. The subject matter with the men getting their willies chomped off by a toothed vagina does not bother me in the slightest. Yes, those scenes made me cringe but that was about it. My problem is that all the men in this movie are portrayed to be vile, disgusting pigs. Am I really suppose to believe that all of these men would be deserving to have their schlongs (etc...) chomped off? 5 men and they're all gonna be rapists and pervs? I highly doubt it.
Perhaps writer and director Mitchell Lichtenstein should make a movie about a man with a spike for a penis and have the girls die once they are penetrated. Let's see how some of us would feel about that. If the girls were portrayed as "rapists and pervs" I'm sure their would be a lot of people who had a problem with the movie.
Shred This...if you want to!
SHREDDER starts off with a great first kill but quickly travels downhill faster than the people do in the movie on their snowboards.
In SHREDDER, a bunch of young twits make their way up to Rocky Summit, a deserted ski area that one of the parents of a aforementioned twit is going to buy. Twit. That's my word of the day.
On their way there, they stop at a gas station. The girls have to use the bathroom. Upon exiting, they notice a guy outside the door who may or may not be who he seems. The girls, being the twits they are, invite him along to join them at the ski lodge. And the guys, being the twits that they are, don't really put up much of a fuss.
When they get to Rocky Summit, it is all chained up and they, the twits, have to break in. Bad choice. They should of just stayed in the car and headed back down the mountain. That way I didn't have to sit through an hour and 20 minutes (give or take) to see where the movie was gonna go. And, like I said, it went downhill.
Seems the mountain is haunted by the ghost of a young girl who was killed when some snowboarders, no doubt twits themselves, ran her off a ski trail while she was skiing. Now someone is going around killing snowboarders who don't know how to follow the rules of skiing/snowboarding. Who could it be? The real question would be, "who cares?"
I will admit that the film does have some funny moments. Like when the one twit gets hung on the ski lift. Everyone seems oblivious to the fact that there is a dead twit who just keeps going around and around on the ski lift. That was humorous.
Kind of sad though that the best two deaths come at the beginning and end of the movie. Although the last death is a bit cheesy. And I found it psychically impossible for the killer to be who the killer was.
All and all, I cannot recommend 'SHREDDER'. It is full of the usual clichés of dumb twits doing the dumb things that they do in horror movies. At one point one of the twits says, "The next time we're being stalked by a serial killer, don't go into the basement." No, but it is okay to wander off by yourself and leave people alone when their is a killer on the loose. Like I said, they are TWITS!!!
While She Was Out (2008)
As a whole I liked it but was put off by the ending.
Kim Basinger stars as Della, a housewife who has twin children (Terri and Tammi-played by Luke Gair and Erika-Shaye Gair) and an abusive jerk for a husband (Kenneth), played by Craig Sheffer.
The movie opens on Christmas Eve. Kenneth is on his way home from work, driving a nice car too I might add. He is on his cellphone arguing with a business partner I would assume. When he gets home, he sees that the floor is a mess with shoes and toys spread all about. This angers him even more and he takes up with his wife, Della, asking her why the house is always a mess. He pins her up against the wall. The twin's watch from the stairs. He punches the wall, leaving a hole in it and walks away. She tends to the children, trying to comfort them. After that is all said in done, she needs to go to the mall to do some last minute shopping and because she is out of wrapping paper. She gets there and the parking lot is full because there is a lot of last minute shoppers there. While she is looking for a parking space, she notices a car taking up two spaces and this irks her. She finally finds a spot to park, makes her way over to the hoggish car and leaves a note under the wiper calling the owner a "selfish jerk". Then she goes in the mall to do her last minute shopping.
When she finally does leave the mall, it is closing and many people have left already. Not the owner of the car she left the note on however and she notices this on the way to her vehicle. She also notices that the note she left under the wiper is no longer there. Odd. When she gets to her vehicle, she gets in to start it up. She notices a car coming up behind her and it blocks her from backing up. She gets out of the car only to be confronted by the owner of the car (Chuckie-played by Lukas Haas) she left the note on and a posse of his thug friends. Yelling ensues and a mall cop (no, not Paul Blart) makes his way over to them to see what the problem is, only to have his brains blown out of his head by Chuckie. While this happens, Della jumps in her vehicle, starts it and drives over the median in front of her. Chuckie and his posse hop in his car and give chase. Della ends up crashing her vehicle into a log pile at a housing development but she is unharmed. She manages to make it to the back of her vehicle, open up the hatchback and grab a toolbox before the thugs get there.
With that, Della spends the rest of the night trying to outrun and out wit the thugs armed with only the tools that she has in her toolbox as weapons. The first kill, in my opinion, is the best. The first kill that Della performs anyway. The last one was probably the weakest and it should of been the best considering that this was the main bad guy she was offing.
I will admit that there will be some that are put off buy the ending and I was let down a bit myself. As a whole though it was a fun flick and moves along nicely at it's 1 hour and 20 minute run time.
Skeleton Man (2004)
Skeleton Man, Oh, Man!!!
SKELETON MAN was okay for the first 5 minutes but as soon as the so-called "Special Force Agents" hit the screen, it went down hill faster than a fat kid on a sled.
The opening makes us think we might have a corny, yet fun, horror flick on our hands but no...the film makers ruin any hope of that when the "Special Force Agents" show up. I wish the screenwriter took a different route and had the "Skeleton Man" chase down some dim witted teenagers until one of them finally gets the upper hand. Instead, the "Skeleton Man" chases down some dim witted "Special Force Agents" and offs them until their Captain finally gets the upper hand.
I know the whole "stalking of dim witted teenagers by a killer" thing as been done before but it would of been more suited for a movie like this.
When the "Skeleton Man" finally does meet his "so called" demise, in a building that blows up, the Captain of the "Special Force Agents" is asked the following by a police officer outside of the building: "What the hell happened in there?" My answer to that question: "Who the hell cares?"
Fade to Black (1980)
Fade To Blah!
FADE TO BLACK stars Dennis Christopher as Eric Binford, a social outcast obsessed with movies. His job involves him delivering movie posters and what not. He is constantly bullied by his peers at works and by his Aunt Stella, who he lives with. Thing is though, his Aunt Stella is really his Mother but she doesn't tell him this.
One night, after Aunt Stella knocks his film projector over, he takes poor Aunt Stella, who is confined to a wheelchair, and pushes her down a flight of stairs. He wants Aunt Stella to be buried next to his favorite actress of all time, Marilyn Monroe. Of course there is no room near Marilyn so he takes the urn full of Aunt Stella's ashes home and uses it as an ashtray. Seems Eric has a smoking habit and, in nearly every scene in the movie, he is puffing away on a cigarette. Seriously, I thought he would die of cancer before the movie was over.
Seems like Eric can't deal with the realities of life and he goes on a murderous rampage dressing up like characters from the films he loves, whether it be Dracula, the Mummy and, yes, even Hoppalong Cassidy. This scene features Mickey Rourke, way before his 'The Wrestler' Oscar nomination, being shot to death by the demented Eric.
I will admit that I did like the concept of the movie, I just thought it could of been executed better. The best death in the movie would have to be the for-mentioned Mickey Rourke death, followed by the death of his former boss, who has a heart attack when Eric scares him to death dressed up like the Mummy. If this was to be remade, it would be nice to see Robert Shaye portray this character and to have Eric dress up like Freddy Krueger, scaring his poor, old boss to death. That would be fun and funny.
Sadly, this movie didn't make me care about the characters and they pretty much got what they deserved. I guess it's a good thing that I bought this as a double-sided DVD and on the other side is HELL NIGHT starring Linda Blair. I know HELL NIGHT is no classic but it sure is better than this.
I Thought FEAR Was Fun.
Why I waited so long to watch this is beyond me. After viewing FEAR, I found it to be very well done for what it was.
Reese Witherspoon stars as Nicole Walker, a 16 yr old who who falls in love with David McCall (played by Mark Wahlberg), who seems very charming at first but soon his psychotic side takes form. In one scene in particular he beat's Nicole's male friend up when, upon arriving to pick Nicole up from school, sees him hugging her. That's when Nicole realizes that David is not who she thought he was. After that, she can't decide if she should continue seeing David or not.
Her father (played by William Petersen-of C.S.I.) already knows that he doesn't want his daughter to continue seeing David and he makes this known to him. I thought this scene was well done, though a bit cliché, as David basically turned it all around on Mr. Walker. Then David beats on his own chest to cause it to bruise and then tells Nicole that the bruises were caused by her father. This pretty much starts an all out feud between Mr. Walker and David. The final straw for David and the crew he rolls with is when Mr. Walker goes to their residence and ransacks the place.
Eventually, it all comes to to a satisfying ending as Nicole, her father, brother, mother and her friend Margo Masse (played by Alyssa Milano) are trapped in the Walker house by David and his posse of thugs. I especially liked the ending cause, well, cause I did.
Acting wise, I thought Reese Witherspoon was believable in her role as a young, naive teenager who was looking for acceptance by someone. Mark Wahlberg, although in some scenes I was laughing at his acting, actually comes off quite well as a charming, albeit psychotic, man who will do anything he has to do to have the "one" he wants, even if that means killing her family so they can't get in the way of that from happening. And William Petersen does his job accordingly as the father that will do anything it takes to make sure his baby girl is safe.
The movie has a good look that creates a nice atmosphere for the feel of the movie. I love the songs in the movie, especially by BUSH. The song 'Wild Horses' by Sunday Girls (I'm not 100% positive on that) is used rather, in my opinion "amusingly", in a scene that features Nicole and David on a roller coaster. In this scene David...well, watch it for yourself if you really want to know.
All and all, there are worse ways you could pass an hour and a half. FEAR is no classic but it knows what it wants to do from the get go and, for the most part, succeeds at doing so.
The Wickeds (2005)
No More "HEAD" For Ron Jeremy!!!
No, that is not in reference to Mr. Jeremy's (a.k.a. "The Hedgehog") porn career. In this movie, he gets his head ripped off by a bunch of zombies, hence the no more "head" for Ron Jeremy in the summary. Not funny? Oh well.
Anyway, where do I begin with this movie? Plot? Well, 7 bratty teenagers decide to go to an old farmhouse that is being used as the set for a low budget horror movie. On the way to the farmhouse, the teenager driving the vehicle they are all in (Richard-and I only remember his name cause, well, cause that's my name) decides to play chicken with an oncoming pick-up truck. They head toward each other and the truck swerves and pulls into a cemetery. Inside this truck are 2 grave robber's, one being played by the for-mentioned Ron Jeremy. He is there digging up a grave and looking for an amulet that his worth more than you could imagine. Only thing is, when he does get the amulet, the dead start coming back to life. Soon, Ron and his grave robbing buddy head toward the farmhouse and the zombies give chase. Well, if you want to say "chase". How the grave-robbers and the teenagers seem to have trouble out running the zombies is beyond me. So, needless to say, blood is shed and nearly everyone is killed besides...well, watch it if you want to know. Though I don't advise you to watch it. Not even sure why I did.
The acting? The only plus for more was actually the acting of Ron Jeremy. I don't think his performance here was on par as the one he gave in 'HOUSEWIFE FROM HELL' but, being he's a porn star, what more could I expect? Some okay stuff was done with the budget they had. I liked the ghost effect of the ghost coming down the stairs and I liked it when one of the zombie girls got her head smashed in with a shovel but that's about it.
One more thing. Whoever edited this movie needs to find a career doing something else cause your editing was complete crap. MAIN EXAMPLE: Guy and girl are about to have sex in bedroom. Guy has pants on. Switch to shot of the girl from the front and the guy is sitting behind her with his legs to her side, clearly he is not wearing pants. Cut to other things going on in and around the house. Cut back to sex scene. Guy has pants back on, than off, than on. PATHETIC!!!