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Piercing Brightness (2013)
Shezad Dawood's Cinematic Offences
#1 A Movie should have a Plot That Actually Makes Sense
Right. Two aliens land on earth to collect a team that had been sent down long ago to study and watch us. I get that. Some of the team has gone "native" and doesn't want to go back I get that too. But why were they all sent to London? We don't know. Why don't they want to go back? We don't really know? Why are they all being forced back? Don't know. Why can some remember who they were and some can't? Ibid. WTF is going on with the alien support group??? Don't even get me started. Why did the alien's daughter dissolve? What was up with her face??? Why WHY WHY ????
#2 A movie should not conflate style with substance (aka "A Movie is not a Perfume Commercial")
That's right - a perfume commercial. In the middle of the far too sparse dialog there appears throughout the movie sudden shifts in imagery with a musical score tuning you in that something significant is being shown. Except it's not. What was the significance of the Japanese lady who's face is half formed out of pebbles( or something) that keeps popping up? Why was there an image of a turkey's head which kept popping up throughout the movie? At least I think it was a turkey. It might have been a vulture. Or maybe a turkey vulture - I Just Don't KNOW ! Why Shezad Dawood ? Why are you showing me this image. Surely it must mean something? It doesn't. It doesn't mean anything at all. It's just there. Damn you turkey-vulture! You mean nothing to me !
#3 A Chase Scene With Bicycles Chasing Down A Car Is Not Unique - Merely Inane
There is a car chase scene. The car is being chased by alien-hybrid kids on bicycles. That's right - on bicycles. Not even racing bicycles but the kind of high-riser your little sister might have. I'm pretty sure that I saw tassels. I think the chase scene lasts a good ten minutes. One of the characters actually says (anxiously) , "They're getting closer!" Ten minutes. I can say no more.
I could go on but I don't have the heart. I'm pretty sure there were some scenes meant to have comedic value. An alien goes into a bar and gets drunk ... ha ha. Such scenes fell flat. This is they type of movie that some people are going to be afraid to critique properly because it seems somehow avant-garde and they perhaps might be afraid of being outed for an idiot but I am here to tell you that the turkey-vulture has no clothes and that this movie is a piercing waste of one's time.
Wrong Cops (2013)
At the time of my writing this review this stinker of a movie has 352 ratings on IMDb and strangely enough not one single written review so I will be the first. It's difficult to understand how 352 people rated this horrid film a (current) 6.5 without them all being all contracted out from Bombay. The jokes do not even fall flat as much as they can not even be recognized as jokes. This movie is not so much comedy as it is a tragedy ... a slow ... boring ... horrid tragic parody of a film. Stilted dialog and "jokes" that only an eight year old could possibly find funny - if said eight year old were turned on by flaccid jokes about marijuana, murder, transvestism and rape. A plot that I would not describe as contrived merely because the word "contrived" could possibly denote that someone actually put some thought into its development. I see several places on the web that compare this film to either "Police Academy" or Reno 911 - rest assured that this film is not comparable to either as to do so would carry the expectation of the film containing either humor or likable characters, neither of which are to be found anywhere in "Wrong Cops".
I'm giving the film an additional star because the cinematography was actually rather surprisingly adequate. I suggest not wasting your time watching this poor excuse for a film school project.
The President's Staff (2013)
Not Worth Your Time
I could hardly get through 30 minutes of this movie and most of that time was spent marveling at the sheer audacity of anyone involved in a production this badly done. There is nothing redeeming about this movie. Neither the plot or the dialog or the one room laughable "set" inside the White House or the horrible, horrible acting have any redeeming qualities what so ever. A SyFy channel produced movie is comparatively Oscar winning material. If there is one word to describe this movie it would be "Amateurish", amateurishly incompetent.
The production values and what passes for dialog are reminiscent of a porn movie - a badly made porn movie. For the first 10 minutes of the movie I literally thought I was watching a satire, some sort of comedy along the lines of "Airplane!" and it took another 5 minutes for the realization that there would be no punchline: the writers, producers and what passes for actors were indeed serious. I can appreciate a bad movie for the camp value alone but this piece of trash can not even redeem itself on that score.