Change Your Image
Upload An Image
Crop And Save
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
Bore-demic: Schlock and Terrible!
I'm convinced the people who say this movie is "The best worst movie ever!" haven't actually SEEN the whole thing, and are only commenting on abridged versions from YouTube clips. This things kinda a bore.
Don't get me wrong. There ARE some (unintentionally) hilarious parts (mostly when our "heroes" get attacked by a particularly vengeful Playstation game...er I mean "birds") However the GCI atrocities don't even show up until the movies halfway point and only pop up occasionally afterwords. Like many other bad movies, this has massive pacing problems making the film a very dull slog.
So what do we get while we're waiting for the Winged Clip-Art of Doom to strike? We get an ENDLESS supply of driving and parking scenes that, if cut, would render the remaining footage about 15 minutes long. (And bad driving scenes to boot. These have all the thrill of Driving Miss Daisy, even AFTER the squawking GIFs start attacking.) And then about 13 of THOSE minutes is filled with pointless character after pointless character filibustering about global warming or some environmentalist issue told in that oh-so exciting "Guess-what-I-copied-directly-from- Wikipedia-without-actually-reading?" tone of voice. I kept waiting for Captain Planet and the Ferngully fairy to show up and rant about how unsubtle it all is. For the lover in you we even get a turgid "romance" between two pieces of plywood...er our heroes (You'll never look at a pumpkin festive the same again.)
But like I said there are SOME amusing moments to dull the pain, if you like seeing marble-mouthed dull-witted leading man who walk with the limber gait of the Frankenstein monster, plenty of flubbed lines that show that the word "retake" is not in directors vocabulary, the most jaded assemble of extras ever (a Birdemic is no reasons traffic in the background can't proceed as normal, right?), inept salesmen who CHEER when they lose one million dollars on a sale, and of course site of our no-talent cast pretending to interact with special (ed?) effects eagles that would look poorly rendered on a circa-1997 Geocities website. But those are just an oasis of hilarious ineptitude in a painfully dull sea of padding. Maybe it's easier to deal with as a group or "audience" to share the misery, but otherwise this is slow, plodding mess.
Mac and Me (1988)
More like "Mac and Cheese."
(Hell if Kraft had chipped in the money for production that probably WOULD be the title.)
I could give a detailed review of the whole movie, but come on, people, the premise alone (a 90 minute orgy of corporate synergism disguised as an ET ripoff) would be sufficient enough to inform you that this was junk. (Besides, many other reviewers have already highlighted some of Mac and Me's most ridiculous scenes.) Indeed all I have to do is simply describe the mind-boggling ending to showcase why this is loathsome junk.
In an effort to tug at our heartstrings (to the point of almost yanking them out of our chests) the filmmakers kill off the cripple kid (Jade Calegory) in a giant raging explosion that would give Michael Bay multiple orgasms. To indicate that this is "poignant" the cast pretends to cry, with Mama Cripple (Christine Ebersol) surprisingly doing the least effective job of mourning. Of course she was only mildly upset when he prop-dummied his way off a cliff, so maybe she too is secretly hoping to not to put up with her boy's lameness. Not to worry! The hideous alien family (who kinda caused the explosion in the first place) reveal they're apparently fireproof and do a laying of hands and demonstrates a previously unannounced and oddly coincidental healing power and rats...I mean "huzzah!" Eric the handi-capable kid is healed! (Well not his legs because these aliens kinda suck. Maybe if they had utilized the healing properties in DELICIOUS THIRST-QUENCHING COCA-COLA?) Incidentally the fire is still roaring out of control right next to our stars and no one is rushing an almost roasted Eric to a hospital or anything. But who cares? Anyone want any Skittles?
Then we transition to a new day where the two evil military/government stooges that have been chasing Mac and his family throughout the whole movie are eagerly rushing somewhere. Where are they going in such a hurry? Why they're going to an immigrant naturalization ceremony where MAC and his equally repulsive family ARE BEING SWORN IN AS FULL CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES OF America! All the characters from the movie are clapping along happily, even the ones who were enemies until just a few minutes ago. I'm sure many viewers jaws' were dropping at this seemingly inexplicable plot twist (especially since the aliens dressed like some parody of a 50's sitcom family all of a sudden), but it makes perfect sense with the movie's ultimate Aesop: There is nothing more "All- American" then stuffing yourself full of high-fructose corn syrup and buying cheap consumer products (awwwwww! Heartwarming stuff, ain't it?) I mean sure these disgusting space turds don't understand that stealing precious, precious Coke at gunpoint is, you know, "bad", but their fanatical pursuit of brand-name foodstuff just makes them the ideal Black Friday shopper.
Besides the TRULY cringe-worthy moment doesn't begin into just before the credits roll. Not only do we have to endure some Celine-wannabe and her overwrought caterwauling (the filmmakers clearly meant for this to be their "Oscar-bait" song), but the film officially ends with the aliens driving down the freeway (???) with a cartoon bubble saying "We'll be back!" What amazing gall! The people who put this atrocity together seriously had so little respect for their audience that rather then being embarrassed for unleashing this desperate money-grubbing dreck, they thought this would be successful enough for franchising, because hey, the people who'd we want as customers and fans aren't smart enough to want things like quality, right? They're just dumb easily-exploitable marks who's buy any crap we try to sell them right? Boy am I glad they were proved wrong.
The Lonely Lady (1983)
The Lonely Lady...in concentrate!
I COULD describe how this is one of the worst theatrical releases of all time with awful screenplay, but it would better to just let the horrendous dialogue speak for itself. So here's a review/synopsis of the Lonely Lady in it's own words:
"Can't be anybody if she doesn't have an escort."
"LOOOOONELYYYYYY LA-DAY. OOOOOOOONLYYYYYY YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF."
"Sometimes, when I sit a home and write my stories, it seems as though I'm talking to myself"
"It looks like a penis."
"I'm gonna show you something special. I'm gonna GIVE you something special!"
"A PRO-MISE OF LOOO-OO-OOVE! A PROMISE OF LOOOOVE!"
"I admire him, I want to be with him. I want to go to bed with him." "I am not listening to this. I am NOT listening to THIS!"
"In this business you can't afford self-respect."
"I hope you can you spell, darling?" "D-A-R-L-I-N-G."
"Or is THIS more you kick?"
"Mother I had an abortion." "I don't know you ever left Walter."
"MY HEARTS ON FIRE!"
"He know's a lot of people." "So does my garbage man."
"If I write for anyone Vinnie, I write for MEEEEEE!"
"Your eyes are most beautiful."
"She's always been difficult."
"You already had one abortion sweetheart, don't make it two."
"Won't you come an join me Jerry-lee? It's wonderfully relaxing."
"I don't suppose I'm the only one who had to **** her way to the top."
"LOOOOONELYYYYYY LA-DAY. OOOOOOOONLYYYYYY YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF."
OK yes it IS missing something without the garden tool molestation and Swirling Head Vortex freak-out (with the above-quoted lines repeated for emphasis) and other scenes of sleazy, poorly acted debauchery. But I'm sure these delectable morsels of half-baked cheesy dialogue are more than enough to whet your appetite for the cinematic feast of unintentional camp that is the Lonely Lady!
The 99 cent store version of GI Joe.
But then GI Joe never had it's lead hero bedecked in oh-so festive skintight spandex and blue headband combos (something had to keep that blow-dried 80s mane in place!) Yes when Ace Hunter and his Megaforce boys (a carefully focus-grouped assembly of multiculturalism, including an "aw shucks" stereotypical Texan named...wait for it "Dallas") aren't blasting the evil balloon brigade or performing rainbow colored fog-evasion (they're not going going to let "stealthy evasion" get in the way of being FABULOUS on their missile-enhanced gaudily-painted...I mean "bitchin'" motorcycles, their wooin the ladies (or at least the bald chick from Star Trek '79) with oh-so sensual kiss- to-thumbs-up foreplay (saucy!)
If such eXtreme action sounds ridiculous then...well it is. With leaden jokes, nonsensical plot, silly action sequences, spectacularly poor special-effects and culminating to an ending that will have physics teacher cringing and viewers reminiscing their time at the motion simulation ride at their local third-rate amusement park, Megaforce is an abject failure as an action movie. But it can be fun to watch though, at least for camp aficionados. Proving that bad movies win. Even in the 80s!
Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981)
Bore of the Jungle
You know Leonard Maltin once said that for this movie he might have to think of a rating lower than bomb. After seeing this cinematic atrocity, I'd have to rate it as "Nuke" as well. Geez, how the Hell can John Derek take a movie that's basically about a hot blonde's chestal units and STILL make it boring (incidentally you don't even get a glimpse until almost an hour into the movie. But you DO get Richard Harris running around in a skimpy nightshirt as compensation. Yay?)
Other lowlights? It takes forever for the film's namesake to even appear in this film (and does nothing) and Bo can't carry the movie by herself since she has yet to learn any other expression besides "vapid." (They could have gotten a blow-up doll to stand in for Bo with little difference.) Richard Harris meanwhile is hammy enough to be packaged by Hormel. And like a ADD-addled child getting Baby's First Camera, John Derek randomly pounds on every "camera trick" button with idiotic resolve! A sloooooow-motion fight with a snake overlayered with dissolving images is the pinnacle of this inept, overlong nonsense.
The plot? Basically Jane, Tarzan, and a particularly frisky orangutan have engage in very, very dull foreplay. "Scary" painted Natives intervene for some reason (more nude scenes! Duh!)
Seriously people, avoid this atrocity and stick to outright porn. You'll at least get a more coherent plot and better acting that way.