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Alone in the Dark (2005)
I'm not an eloquent man
I know that a lot of people have spent a lot of time writing wonderful reviews of this film that really describe in vivid detail how awful this movie truly is. I wanted to do the same thing, but after watching this film, I went to my doctor and he told me that I was now mildly retarded. He didn't know I had seen this movie the night before, so he ran a bunch of tests and kept saying "I just don't get it..." over and over, but that is a story for a different time.
All I can say is that whatever this movie is supposed to be, it isn't. Was it supposed to be scary/suspenseful? Maybe, if your idea of scary/suspenseful is coming downstairs as a little kid on Christmas morning to see if you got a brand new bike, and instead you find your father naked and he throws strawberry jelly in your face and punches you in your nutsack. Confused? So was I when I watched this movie.
Was this film supposed to be a horror film? Oh, it was a horror. Kind of like if your Mom wanted to scare neighborhood children on Halloween, so she put on a devil mask and painted bullseyes on her nipples and had the kids shoot her in the tits with BB guns. Would that be horrible? Sure would, just not in the way it was intended to be. Kind of like this movie; its not a horror movie, its a horror of a movie.
About 3/4 of the way through the movie I inexplicably started beating my girlfriend. That's right. This film was so bad it made me an abuser. It has also been traced as a root cause of alcoholism, epilepsy, dick cancer, and gingivitis. Oh,. and Stepehen Dorf is in it, so what did I expect? That guy is a no-talent ass clown.