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World War Z (2013)
World War CRAP
If I had to describe this movie in one word, it would be CRAP.
Let's get the worst thing in this movie out there first: Brad stinking Pitt. Wearing his new age wrist strings and ridiculous scarf, he looks like a pot smoking California yoga instructor. His effeminate hair style and Taliban stubble is not cool, it's stupid. And he's so super-special that every country on the face of the Earth will risk it's best soldiers to get him where he wants to go.
Pitt is supposed to be a "U.N. Investigator." What? Who in the hell is going to put the fate of mankind in the hands of someone who worked for a corrupt organization like the United Nations? What would qualify a "U.N. Investigator" to warrant this kind of importance? It's crazy and can only be the idea of a Hollywood leftie in order to make the hero more "global." Let me say his job title one more time...a U.N. Investigator....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
When Pitt is in the supermarket getting the required asthma medication for the mandatory "asthmatic child," his wife gets attacked by rapists in the middle of a crowded market while pushing her child in a grocery cart. Did I mention it was in a CROWDED market, with people swarming around them? Totally out of place and unbelievable. This was the first sign, besides Pitt's face, that what is about to unfold for the next two hours was going to be crap. And it was.
I can't go into all the plot holes and mistakes because it would make this review 15 pages long. But here are a few...
I wanted to walk out when the "Harvard educated Indian/Pakistani disease guy" made his appearance with his stupid speech in the movie. Luckily, he was so smart that he didn't know how important it was to keep his freaking finger off the trigger of his handgun and accidentally kills himself like the moron that he is. The best thing in the movie is this guy getting killed.
Then the entire special team is wiped out because Pitt's wife called him at the wrong time. How lucky Pitt gets away. This is another theme that runs through the movie...Pitt cannot be killed. An entire plane crashes, and the only survivors are Pitt, the Jewish soldier chick, and a woman zombie strapped in her seat.
Speaking of the plane crash, why did the passengers start to pile luggage between the zombie infected section and the zombie-free section? Did anyone actually believe LUGGAGE was going to stop the zombies? If a two year old infant pushed on the pile of luggage, no matter how high, it would fall over. STUPID!
And before the crash, there was the Israel scene where they had built a wall all around the state of Israel. It worked fine, with no problems, until PITT shows up. Then there's some sort of singing by some burka girl going on, and right then PITT is the first to notice "it's too loud." How did her mike get hooked up to all the speakers in town? So, Israel has the smarts to figure out the time to put a zombie=protection wall up, but they had NO IDEA the zombies were attracted to sound? And if there are so many zombies around the walls, where are the people who are shown arriving at check points coming from? Why, in the midst of all the zombies, did a group decide to sing and dance?
So anyway, after the plane crash in the hills or mountains of some foreign country, PITT and the Israeli soldier girl miraculously, without a GPS, find their way to the WHO building. They somehow walked there, with PITT impaled by a piece of metal, and the girl who had her hand cut off just hours before.
By the way, when PITT chopped off the Israeli girl's hand, there was no blood. Not on Pitt, not on the girl, not on the BANDAGE covering the wound, not anywhere! In fact, there's nothing graphic in the entire film. This could have been a plus, but it was taken way to far. Besides the bloodless amputation of the hand, there's one scene where Pitt hits a zombie with his crowbar, and then is shown trying to pull it out as another zombie approaches. It just looks stupid when you can't see what the crowbar is stuck in and why Pitt can't seem to pull it out.
Finally, PITT finds the room with the deadly toxins. He went there specifically to get into that sealed room, and no one gave him the code until he reaches it. Interesting. Then he injects himself in one of the "safe" diseases, by shear luck. I told you nothing can kill him. He's like Steven Seagal...you can stab, shoot, beat him but he can't be hurt or killed. The main difference is that Steven Seagal never came off like a wimp. PITT, however, does come off like a wimp who doesn't like guns and is more interested in his scarf and wrist strings than he is in shaving.
Sorry but I can't go on with this review. It's another one of those movies where, if you think about it too much, you get mad. What a pathetic excuse for a horror/zombie/action movie. It fails on all fronts. I should have known better than to watch anything starring BRAD PITT. I'm just glad I didn't pay to see this thing.
The Expendables 2 (2012)
This is garbage.
A lot of movies have been at the top of my "worst movies of all time" list, but this has just made it to number one.
This is so painful to watch that it took all my self control to prevent me from blowing up my t.v. I don't know what was worse, Chuck Norris making his foolish appearance or Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to talk. Bruce Willis looks like he has some disease. And I could not figure out what the story was with Stallone's eyebrows. He's in good shape but what's up with the face? I thought California had the best plastic surgeons. Oh well.
This movie is so bad and the acting is so terrible that the only "actor" who doesn't really embarrass himself is Van Damme.
The only other good thing I can think of is that Mickey Rourke isn't in this movie.
What a cheap piece of crap. These guys have lost what little ability they had back in the 80's. Take away the big budgets and good directors of their past and what you have left is a bunch of pathetic meat heads who want to sucker you out of your money and give you nothing in return. Especially Stallone. Arnold, without his muscles, looks like he should be working at Wal-Mart. It's not sad, it's horrible!
Everyone else in the cast is forgettable, including Statham, who again plays The Transporter, except with a beret.
At least I didn't have to see Mickey Rourke...
The Expendables (2010)
A mountain of CRAP
This is easily one of the worst movies I have ever seen. The previews made it seem like a good action movie, but this is about as far from good as you can get. Stallone looks weird, Dolf Lundgren looks creepy, Eric Roberts seems to have brain damage, Mickey Rourke is simply a freak, and Jason Statham again plays the same character he did in The Transporter, Crank, and every other movie he has ever been in.
These actors from the 80's ALL SUCK. Schwarzenegger makes every line a joke, and Bruce Willis is ridiculous. This has nothing to do with the age of these actors. It has to do with the fact that THEY ALL SUCK. That's why people stopped going to their movies in the first place. For example, Stallone made Rocky, then about 50 crappy movies until First Blood, then about 20 crappy movies until Rambo, and then never made a good movie again. People can only take so much crap. This movie is the last time anyone is ever going to give these losers from the 80's another shot.
Stallone cannot direct, his lines aren't funny, no one in this movie can act, and nothing in this movie makes sense. I couldn't understand what they were saying most of the time. Who the hell is Mickey Rourke supposed to be? WHAT is he supposed to be? Who would hire this group of unprofessional weirdos? Who were Arnold Terminator and Bruce Willis supposed to be? Willis just swore a lot and Schwarzenegger walks in, says some serious lines that makes anyone watching the movie laugh at his moronic delivery, and that's it.
Stallone has screwed the public again, and hopefully for the last time. Screw you Stallone. If you don't know how to make a good movie, don't make anything at all. This is worse than Cobra. Now that's an insult.
A Crappy Cartoon
Avatar isn't really a live action movie. It is a computer generated cartoon. The story is Dances With Wolves on another planet. It has the subtitles, Indians, and evil evil Americans coming to take away everyone's land. It is an exact copy! Anyway, this movie gets laughable in it's Al Gore liberalism. The bad humans come from a "dead" planet where it is no longer "green." All because the evil corporation wants the mineral UNOBTAINIUM. The name is so stupid I have to mention it again. Unobtainium...HAHAHAHAHAHA! I thought I had not heard the name right the first time that reject actor who played the corporation guy said it. Who in their right mind would use such a stupid name? Unobtainium??????
The bad, evil Marine in charge wears muscle shirts, which is very professional. And I couldn't believe my eyes when the evil Marine in his Matrix 3-Aliens 2 walking robot pulls out a novelty-sized RAMBO KNIFE! Is this the height of technology in the future? A giant comedy Rambo knife? In the future they also allow cigarettes in liberal corporate high tech labs and they let a paralyzed person sleep in transport for 5 years when they can fix spines and have human controlled robots that use massive Rambo knives.
The stupidest part of this movie is when the good Marine decides to organize the blue cartoon people to fight the huge, modern evil army. Does this make any sense at all? There was no possible way they could win, so he sent them all into battle knowing they couldn't win with flying dinosaurs and wooden arrows. Then the animals, needing to stay "GREEN" and save themselves from the evil corporation, somehow organize and fight off the bad guys. So, boring and charisma-free Terminator Salvation guy who's Australian accent comes and goes caused many blue cartoon people to die FOR NO REASON! Their fighting didn't do anything! James Cameron is one of the most hyped directors ever. His movies, with the exception of the first Terminator, all SUCK. He ruined Aliens. The original is a classic but his attempt to copy the realistic dialogue and style of the first was terrible, and he can't stay away from the evil corporation as the bad guy. The Abyss was also very, very stupid and Titanic is one of the worst movies ever made. I could go on as to why his movies suck but there's just too much to list.
Avatar is a disaster. But don't avoid seeing it. Watch it and laugh.
Crank: High Voltage (2009)
A Pile of Dirty ASS
This is easily one of THE WORST movies I have ever seen. It is a career-ending movie. Jason Statham is a moron. Just like Steven Seagal, who made about four good action movies playing the same guy and then made one huge bomb after another and destroyed his career. Crank 2 is the end of Statham, or at least the beginning of the end. I will never pay to see a Jason Statham movie again.
The two jack-asses who wrote and directed this thing are a couple of film-school foreign movie watching (and ripping off) bozos who's ideas are so bad they shouldn't be allowed to photograph weddings let alone feature films. They drink beer during the interviews on the DVD and think they're creative and funny, but are just a couple of California liberal assholes who are not funny OR creative. Unbelievably, they don't have a clue that they've made one of the biggest pieces of SH*T in the history of movies. They actually say that there was a script! Really? This trash had to be written down on paper first? HAHAHAHAHAHA!
The DVD extras show that this home-made junk was filmed with camcorders and it looks cheaper than Crank 1. And again they repeated the pubic sex scene, only this time more graphic. That was the most disgusting part of the first one! The actress who played the slut girlfriend is really repulsive, too.
By the way, what ever happened to the Chinese poison he got injected with in the first one where there was no cure? Did the fall cure him? And why the hell did he just allow himself to slowly burn in the end while flipping off the audience. There was water all around him. Why did he want to be horribly burned when he's been trying to stay alive for two of the worst movies ever made? WHY??
Screw you Statham for agreeing to be in this crap just to rip people off and make a buck. And to hell with the two sh*t brains who made this thing. You're the type of filmmakers who have destroyed the movie business with your film-school B.S. and perverted ideas. LOSERS!
Transporter Part 20
This movie could be another transporter sequel. All it needs is a title change. The Transporter guy plays the same person in every movie!
But his movies are all way over the top with bullsh*t stunts that are totally impossible and stupid. This movie has pushed B.S. to a new level unmatched by even the most ridiculous action movies.
First of all, what is with the sex scenes? The stupid rape-like act in chinatown, then his slut girlfriend doing the face in his crotch thing while he's driving, then wiping her mouth. These scenes weren't funny, they were disgusting.
And since when do helicopters reach an altitude of about 35,000 feet in 5 seconds? And how can he make a calm phone call and be heard through the wind noise as he falls to the ground? I know there's a sequel but I haven't seen it yet, so even though he bounces off a car and hits the pavement after falling from a helicopter, he lives. Movies need some realism to be enjoyed. This has NONE.
What sane person wouldn't GO TO THE HOSPITAL is they found out they'd been poisoned? You need revenge? Go to the hospital where they can save you and then get revenge. Don't go to the hospital and shoot at cops while demanding drugs.
And why the hell do cab drivers give him rides and drugs and never ask for money? In conclusion, this movie has sexually deviant scenes for no reason, and is cheap and unrealistic. Obviously it was made in L.A. in order to maximize it's cheapness, and resembles some gay foreign film more than it does an American action movie. Maybe that's why it's so stupid.
My Name Is Bruce (2007)
My Name Is Bruce sucks. Absolutely sucks beyond anything I could have imagined. He was o.k. in the Evil Dead. But this is about as far away from "O.K." as you can get. I've seen movies made by elementary school kids better than this. Absolutely no effort went into making this low-grade sh*t pile. NONE. The Chinese monster was terrible. No effort in making it believable. The storyline terrible: he gets a bat to the head, knocked unconscious, driven in a trunk to a town where somehow all of the people think this shitty actor can save them because a teenage goth says so and thinks it's all a birthday gift? What? Yeah, I know it's a comedy, but still, it's not funny. If they would have spent 15 minutes working on the script, it would have been better than this. This piece of crap was probably made within one week. And who directed it? Bruce Campbell. So obviously he doesn't care about who watches this disaster or what his "fans" think of him, or else he would have spent some time on the details. Plus, he is now going to be known as a horrible director. Who the hell would go see a movie "directed by Bruce Campbell" after watching this waste of time?
I don't know exactly who these Bruce Cambell fans are that gave this thing a good review but it doesn't seem possible that anyone would ever do that. Maybe Bruce Campbell spends all night on the internet writing them himself.
Æon Flux (2005)
A huge piece of crap
What the hell did I just see? Theron is terrible. What is the deal with her hair? How much hair spray, or cement paste, did they use on it? This role accomplished two things for her: she managed to get people to realize she's not good looking, and that she sucks as an actress. But she wasn't the worst thing about this piece of crap movie. How could she be when one of the characters has HANDS for FEET. That really makes a lot of sense. I'm not even going to start on why that stupid idea wouldn't work. Then there's the killing and cloning because they can't reproduce, that the memories of the cloned people would be cloned with them, the ridiculous old guy in that gay costume on the flying turd where something, I think it's the cloning, takes place, and the moronic hit squad run by some red-haired musical theater reject.
All together it forms one of the worst movies ever made. For your own good, do not see it.
Drag Me to Hell (2009)
Drag this movie to the toilet and flush
Is this the best story line Hollywood can come up with? A gypsy curse? Is that supposed to be original in some way? Why is it that gypsies always have the power to kill people and curse people to death but can't seem to pay their bills on time or go to the dentist? This movie made me realize that Sam Raimi is one of the worst directors of all time. He's made one half-decent movie, The Evil Dead. The other two in the Evil Dead series were totally stupid, with a couple of funny lines that caught on in the cult film world.
Evil Dead 3 was total garbage. People want to make the Evil Dead series more than what it is, which is just plain bad. Spiderman sucked as well.
Anyway, back to this piece of crap. So this gypsy lady with a very fake accent can't pay her bills, even though she has a clan of relatives who appear later on at her house having a party. Her false teeth fall out, but when she goes to put them back in, you can see the actress's REAL TEETH right before the cut. Then, after stealing a bowl of candy, she begs for a break on her loan even though she's already proved herself to be a deadbeat and an actress with a really terrible fake accent. So who's fault is that? The loan officer, of course. And she deserves to die for doing the right thing! And this is basically the outline for this horrible pathetic excuse for a horror movie.
Then, the Mexican lady wants a shot at the demon. She's been waiting to confront it for many many years. It's been her life long goal to confront the demon that is now after the loan officer. She will risk her life to get this demon, and wants to be paid 10,000 dollars to do it! What? If she wanted the demon so bad why not do it for free?
This sets up the totally stupid and done a thousand times holding hands around a table and then the floating dancing guy during comedic music (evil dead crap.) So that doesn't work and suddenly the Indian guy tells her to give the button to someone else. Why NOW? Why not when he first found out about the stupid button curse did he not reveal this tidbit of info and save a few lives in the process? And what happened during the nose bleed scene? When blood shoots 30 feet out someone's nose, coating the room and a few people in blood, do you call an ambulance or act like the person had a paper cut? Oh, let's not forget the constant shooting of various liquids into the loan officer's mouth. Constantly. THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE! Plus the inserting of an arm and some eyeballs into her mouth as well. What kind of perverted weirdo directed this movie?
How does it end? Well, the loan officer, who is dating that ass-head 14 year old PROFESSOR who drives a PRIUS (the liberals got that right) gets dragged to hell after buying a new coat. Why did she need that coat so bad? I'm sick of thinking about this pile of crap. Do not watch.
Enough with the Japanese Non-Scary Remakes
What is it with these Japanese horror movies? They are all the same. All of them! Meaning, they are not scary at all. They always have some pasty faced ghost person seeking revenge. And it's not just the remakes. I've been forced to see the originals and they are not scary either.
This movie in particular is frightening simply because a group of people actually paid money to make this trash! And for what? To create a boring, mind-numbing non-entertaining pile of dung. If every victim of crime in Japan became a killer ghost everyone in the country would be dead. The actors all sucked, especially the photographer guy. Who is this moron? Wait, I don't want to know. Why did he try to kill the ghost with a flash? It was never affected by any one of the thousands of flash photos before, so why would this butthead think a photo flash would somehow do something? WHY???? What a bunch of crap.