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Exterminator City (2005)
Like watching a foggy acid trip develop before your eyes
I don't even know where to start with this one. It's a terrible film on so many levels, rather tedious in its execution, but you somehow don't want to take your eyes off it. This is low-budget cheese for fans of that type of stuff.
I knew I was in for a treat when the opening credits roll through. You basically see a handful or less of male names in the credits, but about 25 women's names. Some of them were along the lines of "Syn Devil". I was starting to think this was actually a porn. As it turns out, I guess a lot of these women actually do porn for their day jobs.
This takes place in the future, where evidently the only humans alive are those who are female, skanky, and have massive breasts. Is this "the future" or is this "heaven"? I'll let you decide.
Anyway, you got a robot psycho who goes on a killing spree. All these women get hacked up in various gory ways. The gore itself is pretty cheesy, but passable for a laugh. On the psycho's tail is a robot detective and his buddy.
A massive robot sword fight takes place, and I"m pretty sure it's the greatest thing I've ever witnessed. You gotta see it to believe it.
I applaud the camera man in this film. I've never seen a movie where there are so many pointless shots of the outside of buildings. I think one building in particular has about 20 shots of it. Seems like every time somebody is talking, the camera MUST show the building they are in, haha.
I don't know what else I can say. If you'd read this far, you'd probably already made up your mind whether or not you'll want to watch this one. Just be prepared for a lot of cheese, a lot of boobs, a lot of retarded-looking robot puppets, an excellent swordfight, and a lot of amateur looking gore.
There is really nothing out there like this one. Check it out!
Transformers is a 2 and a half hour worthless mess of a film
I'm giving it 2 stars for the SFX.
In a nutshell, this film is horrible. I know there's plenty of fan boys that are up in arms that the critics "don't know a good movie" and whatnot. The reality is that this really isn't a good movie. It would be a gigantic stretch to even call this "film" tolerable.
It's 2.5 hours of explosions, screaming, and running. In between that, you have HORRENDOUS "comic relief" that would only tickle the funny bone of a 10yr old. Plot? Who cares. The point is to see robots fighting each other right? There is no plot, only an ending to set up another sequel. Even a 1-900 # psychic could see that coming.
If you like shaky cameras, horrible dialog, 150 minutes of plot holes, fight scenes where you can't make out who's hitting who, elementary school jokes, no appealing characters, hugely annoying characters, and wasting money...then this is the film for you! There is absolutely no excuse as to why this film is 2 and a half hours. I wouldn't have been so hard on it if it was 90 minutes. It would still be a terrible wretched piece of cinema, but at least it wouldn't have taken up the majority of my Saturday afternoon.
Yôkai hantâ: Hiruko (1991)
a mixed bag of ideas...
I decided to purchase the film before seeing it. It was a "blind buy". was it worth it? Yes. That's not to say that the film isn't without it's faults however.
The story (like many people have already said) is somewhat confusing. I'm not going to go into the basic plot of the film, because you can look that up yourself...lol. I'll tell you that the plot IS interesting though, if maybe a tad to complex for it's own good.
I'm just going to point out what i liked and didn't like, so that you'll be able to make a decision on whether or not the film would be worth your time.
The effects were OK. This is obviously a low budget flick. That being said, there were only a couple really cheesy effects. Of course, the main gimmick is the whole "heads with spider legs" thing, and that's pulled off pretty well for the most part. I gotta say, they do look pretty creepy and some of them shoot large tongues out their mouths (reminded me of Uzumaki to a certain degree).
The film doesn't really know if it's serious or slapstick. Now by slapstick, i don't mean there's scenes like you'd see in "the naked gun" or movies of that type however. One of the main characters runs around with quirky inventions made of household items. he carries a can of aerosol spray that evidently the goblins don't like. There's a lot of tongue in cheek events and scenes in this one...but there's some good horror elements as well.
in fact, there's actually quite a few scenes that gave me goosebumps. there was also 2 or 3 moments where i actually jumped a little bit. it's just too bad that it seems like the last 3/4's of the film loses the "horror edge" and makes the film seem like a bad Japanese Indiana Jones ripoff in comparison to what we see earlier in the film.
Oh yeah, there's some pretty violent scenes in this as well. so if you aren't a fan of gore and blood...then this might turn you off. however, the violence isn't "shocking" or anything that would upset the squeamish.
The premise is interesting, but i honestly think this would have been a much better flick if it was straight horror...and dropped the goofy comedic tone found in many scenes. Overall though, it's a pretty fun ride...and there's really not much out there that has the feel the film has. I'm a big time horror fan, and it floats my boat and was worth the blind purchase.
Born in East L.A. (1987)
Much better than i expected. I first saw this film on one of those boring rainy days where you end up sitting in front of the TV channel surfing. i stopped while this was on. needless to say, i watched the whole thing and totally enjoyed it.
it's very funny at times, and the plot is hilarious! some of the comedy is slapstick and some of it isn't...but it's all good. give it a rent and you won't be disappointed. i just picked up the DVD for 9.99 and i'm glad i did.
yeahhhhhhhhhhh yeah yeah!
(sorry, i need ten lines before i could post a comment)
Hard Target (1993)
great action film
I loved this flick. I love everything (almost everything) about it. This is an action film, and the action is almost non-stop...which is a good thing. This is a van damme movie, seeing as how his movies are not good (from a critic's standpoint), then it should make that up somehow correct? it does. the action scenes dealing with both fancy martial arts moves and gun-play are VERY well done. John Woo's directorial efforts turn out a winner of an action film.
Lance Henricksen is also great as the "bad guy". Very well done Lance, great portrayal.
Street Fighter (1994)
what a letdown...
wow. this is an "action movie" with Van Damme that is based on a FIGHTING GAME for home video game consoles.
Sounds like it could be pretty cool huh? wrong. where's the action anyways? there's a couple of fight scenes in the film, but nothing is even close to impressive.
Isn't the reason WE (van damme fans) watch films like this for the fighting? So much potential, but the film would rather wallow around in the cheesiest plot line ever...as opposed to giving fans a lot of kick ass fight scenes.
The film attempts to throw a bunch of the popular video game characters into the film, if only to have them in there and nothing else. It was a tremendous letdown to see the character "Vega" turn into such a wimp. Vega didn't even do much fighting either...very disappointing.
The bright spots are Raul Julia's character, "M Bison". Although, its a sad film for such a great actor to leave on (RIP). There's also some humorous moments (intentionally) that made me chuckle, but those moments also took away from the film at the same time.
CLIFF NOTES: hardly any real action, mostly some cheesy gun battles. when the fight scenes did happen, they weren't anything impressive...especially since most of them DIDN'T have van damme in them. The film gets stuck in trying to make a plot and throw as many characters from the popular video game into the mix. This doesn't even seem like a van damme movie, now that i think about it. where's the van damme fightings?!?!?!?! RATING: 3/10
The Order (2001)
i actually liked it!
I heard many bad reviews on this film, but i decided to "blind buy" it on DVD anyways (only five bucks).
The story is cheesy, but different than the usual van damme fare. The setting was great, and some of the locations that the makers shot at were amazing to see. The action was great as well, and there were plenty of fight scenes to keep us van damme fans satisfied. after all, the fight scenes are what van damme fans are looking for in the first place, right? the fighting was well done, and van damme gives you all the classic kicks you can think of. For a DTV van damme action flick, you can do MUCH worse. I put in the movie expecting nothing, but after it ended, i had a smile.
Fire Down Below (1997)
well done film (for what it is)
My rating isn't based on the very high critics' views, but is based on the fact that this is yet another seagal action flick.
I had no expectations when i made a "blind buy" purchase on DVD. I of course expected some martial arts work by seagal, but that's something that should be expected in any of his films (much like one would expect lots of killing in a Friday the 13th horror film).
The action scenes were well done, but i found myself enjoying everything else the movie had even more. this may sound odd, as seagal movies typically don't offer anything more than some fight scenes and a paper thin plot.
The characters and the setting were what really made me want to watch. It's a seagal film, but it takes place in a small country town. the soundtrack is county and the whole film screams "country" (until the fight scenes kick in). Something new and fresh, and i admire that.
As a whole, the film was much better than expected because it's different than a lot of action films that take place in the city and whatnot. this film had heart, and even though seagal can't act with emotion too well, you can still notice that this film is better than average for what it is.
Boiling Point (1993)
average cop film
Everything about the movie screams "average". i believe that the only reason the film manages to stay average and doesn't dip into "sub-par" is because of the cast.
Snipes isn't intense enough, and you never really feel his emotions that he REALLY wants to get "the bad guys". Hopper doesn't seem evil enough to be a bad guy. Hopper's sidekick in the film is the most "evil", and even he isn't really THAT much of a bad guy, but is more or less duped into doing Hopper's work for him.
The film is a typical revenger flick. Snipe's partner in the force is killed and Snipes of course trys to bring whoever did it down. There's no intensity though, as the film moves slowly and there really isn't much action.
The plot twists aren't here...as there aren't any. this is a typical bare bones cop movie, but without any gun play or raw emotions to make it any more exciting than the usual fair. The big name cast saves this flick...saves it from being horrible, and makes it only average and watchable, but nothing more.
middle of the road horror...
MAJOR SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------
Honestly, i think that this wasn't as bad as most people proclaim. After all, "Alone in the Dark" is still in theaters (barely)...and that's a lot worse.
I'm going to keep this brief because it's 1am and i gotta work in the morning. Let me just say that as a horror fan, this film (IMO) deserves a 5/10 rating. it's not terrible, but not really "good" either. The average movie goer really won't find much to dig, but if you like horror movies then you'll probably enjoy some aspects of it. Here's a small breakdown of the film.
The main problem is that ALL of the characters are "filler". The main character acts like he's partially brain damaged and spends most of the movie walking around shaking like a small puppy dog. The characters that are in the movie have really no effect on the movie as a whole. they are simply there to be just that...characters, nothing more. In fact, you could conceivably make the entire film using just the main character and his parents. What's the point of having his current girlfriend and old girlfriend in the film? they both don't do anything really.
Then of course we live in the days of Hollywood waaaaay overusing CGI for monsters/fx. Good CGI in Lord of the Rings is fantastic, but pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase keep CGI out of low budget horror films...it looks oddly out of place. The "boogeyman" looks just plain retarded. I'm not going to go into detail, but when i first saw it's face...i sighed and said to myself, "that's it? hmmm...what a shame".
I really didn't enjoy the "horror" aspects of the film either. These days horror movies try to "scare" the audience by inserting random loud noises into the film...known as "boo scares". I gotta say that i did jump a few times because of these "boo scares"...but that's simply because every 5 freakin' minutes they would occur. the director should have toned them down because after about 30 minutes into the film, the boo scares don't become "scary" but rather ANNOYING.
So what's the good stuff you ask? Well first off...i think the premise is fantastic. It's something that EVERYBODY can relate to. It's the tale of the "boogeyman" for crying out loud, and everybody has heard in one form or another that "the boogeyman will get you" from somebody when you were a child. It's a pleasant break from the "teen slasher" films that plagued the mid/late 90's after "Scream" came out. It's not another "there's a slasher chopping up retarded teens" type flick. I gotta give it respect for that.
The way the boogeyman comes about is well done too. I like the fact that the boogeyman isn't simply a weird looking dude that chills in your closet waiting for you to sleep. the boogeyman is a supernatural force that is composed of everything you fear as a child. well not "everything"...but more along the lines of "material items", such as a doll or a raven, etc. Interesting take on "making" the boogeyman what he is.
All in all, you could do a lot worse. Besides "alone in the dark" there's also that Disney movie starring rapper "ice cube" in the theaters as of now.
FINAL THOUGHTS: It's an average horror flick. It gets people to jump quite a bit, but only because it throws "boo scares" at you every 5 minutes to the point where they become annoying. However, and interesting and fresh premise along with an above average explanation of what the "boogeyman" really is, is kinda a treat. It's not rehashed slasher horror and i enjoy that in itself. The characters are BEYOND dull and pointless (aside from the main character and the boogeyman of course) and the script is pretty ho-hum. I'd actually think you'd get your money's worth by seeing this in the theater because of the loud sound and big screen as opposed to a TV. It accomplishes what "horror" movies are made for, it scares you...even if they are annoying and cheap scares. If you have nothing better to do and don't mind shelling out $8 for a ticket, i'd recommend seeing it. Just don't expect anything too special.
WOW, this review turned out to not be so "breif" like i mentioned in the beginning...lol. oh yeah, my spelling sucks too, deal with it. thanks.