Reviews

31 ReviewsOrdered By: Date
Fire Serpent (2007 TV Movie)
3/10
Former TV stars battle for non-careers..
4 November 2017
Former TV stars battle for non-careers..

As Xander aka Nicolas Brendon post BTVS tries to battle against Chakotay aka Robert Beltran (Star Trek Voyager) battles fort he title of formerly had a career on a hit TV show.

Oh wait.. they have new names for this movie? Oh OK my bad..

They are jake and Cooke respectively this time around.. though I'd bet most ppl would be far more likely to remember them for their former roles..

Hire former stars out of pity or desperate attempt to pass production off as bigger budget? Check! Made for TV? Yep Low budget? Double Check Sub par childish writing? check check & check! Hired local HS geek club for special effects? Running out of checks fast! (Limit of one check for each geek/nerd please!) Syfy managed to not make a 100% disaster unlike most they touch? Check!

Actually all things considered not bad.. and "Xander" being notoriously drunk as hell during this time period probably helped I'm guessing..

it's campy at best.. very poor/low budget everything and has a huge # of errors of course.. but scary enough it's actually watchable.. unlike so much crap esp that has been on TV as of late as I've commented elsewhere (including horrid uwe boll crap)

Trivia as well as how to cut down on expenses for the script: The "abandoned glass factory" and "local fuel source" actually are exactly that IRL... (Vopak storage for the tanks iirc)

The Glass factory (Consumer's Glass Factory, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada http://www.IMDb.com/search/title? locations=Consumer%27s%20Glass%20Factory,%20Hamilton,%20Ontario,%20C anada&ref_=ttloc_loc_5 ) isn't abandoned however.. but it has not operated as such in many decades. I've worked there on set for several films using the same location including "Weapon" (aka Cyborg Soldier (2008)) IMDb tt1151928 , & "The Incredible Hulk" IMDb tt0800080 & many others..

Also note Filming at the Glass factory for both Hulk and "Weapon" were taking place at virtually the exact same time. We had to work around the creation of the freshly green painted walls for the "military base" section due to scheduling conflicts.

Oh also note.. While I poke fun at Nicolas and Robert as former stars.. it's only in fun and it is true they really are former stars at this point compared to their former status... and they both are still working away in the industry so applause for them on that point :)

I'm sure both are very nice guys as have the vast majority of those I've worked with. (I was not on set for this production at all) And I'm sure they would both happily laugh at themselves and this review as well unlike idiots such as uwe boll (whom I'd happily accept his idiotic challenge btw just for the fun of deflating his absurdly over inflated ego)
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End of the World (2013 TV Movie)
5/10
Well anything can happen!
4 November 2017
Well anything can happen!

WyFy managed to do a low budget "disaster" movie that is not a disaster! Shockingly enough this is actually pretty damn good all things considered.. esp for the "made for TV" limitations right off the bat.

Decent acting.. writing that does not take things too seriously is a huge plus.. and effectively poking fun at the entire genre and it'self at the same time all add into this being a winner IMO given the nature/category of the film.

Now this is even more of a nice shocker as of late due the the sheer volume of total crap that has been on TV... and (shudder) including some more horrific crap from uwe boll.

Uwe Boll btw the most hated directly easily world wide and actually inspired a protest to have him banned from making movies.. but some ninny removed that factoid from IMDb..

Knowing Uwe's fragile yet massively overblown ego he probably did that himself.. same as his idiotic "I'll fight them in the ring" stupidity.. which proved nothing since win/loss in the ring has absolutely nothing to do with how pathetic everything he touches is.

Anyhow back to this movie.. I wouldn't go out of my way to rant and rave and spend $$$$$$ to get it. But if you get the chance to see it and have the time there are far worse things than watching this!

Hands down a solid 5+ IMO which is excellent for this class of flick.
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Malibu Shark Attack (2009 TV Movie)
3/10
baywatch as a z movie
29 October 2017
Warren Christie in this?? what the hell? I recognized him from other better stuff since then but his being in this was a surprise (Musta been a low point of low points in his career!)

In fact I'd say the the only real surprise.. it's a horrid cheap pathetic "made for TV" pile of crap that some one got suckered into forking over $ to make.

I've seen better acting and production quality from a HS play! The premise is beyond absurd right off the bat.. special effects are barely better than the acting skill.. or lack thereof The other reviewer saying 20 min was all he could stand (or she? doesn't matter).. I again got stuck with this sadly being the best thing on one day while on devil child duty.. it was this crap or garbage like "house wives of cardsashians or whatever pathetic mind numbingly stupid crap they are coming up with of that sort.. you know what I mean I'm sure.) Well this was so bad it was a serious question of leaving it on this crap or channel flipping to horrible fake "reality TV".. this movie won.. if anything can be called a winner in this case at all. it sure as hell was not a win for me.

Anyhow.. absurd premise + pathetic acting + dare we say direction of some sort.. + somehow managing to waste a budget of 3 MILLION... wait a min.. 3 MILLION??? What in hell did they spend 3 MILLION on with this crap?? Seriously.. more like budget of 3 million.. spent 100K on the production total.. pocketed 2.9 MILLION and used the entire thing as a giant tax write off.. and while we do a lot of good productions in Canada this is not one of them.. but I guarantee someone used tax credits here for the making of this horrible garbage.

Skip it.. don't waste your time.. save yourself the mental scarring that is inevitable for those whom watch this!!!! Even Plan 9 from outer space is Oscar worthy in comparison to this crap and sadly several other "things" (calling them movies is an insult to what a movie can actually be) I've been subjected to recently (see my other reviews as warning to save yourselves from such torture!!)
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House of the Dead 2 (2005 TV Movie)
2/10
Well no Uwe Boll at least
29 October 2017
Well no Uwe Boll at least That is a guaranteed improvement over the 1st in this "series"

Thankfully this one i not a Canadian production like the original was.. but it's bad... bad and more bad regardless of where it was filmed... The writing is virtually non-existent.. acting skill.. wait.. more like anti-skill. This was so beyond bad even the worlds best actors could never save it..

it's worse than most "Made for TV" crappy B movies so often found being broadcast.. especially at strange times of the day (6am "scary movie time anyone?).. and AMC in their infinite stupidity actually aired this crap earlier today right after the original.. (see my insane review of that one once it's approved.. it's intentionally insane)

I won't include spoilers here as I rarely do.. and there's simply nothing really to spoil with this movie.. it's horrible crap done on a budget so low I think the worlds cheapest dog food probably cost more per bag than they spent on production per day.

Suffice to say it's garbage.. skip it.. save yourself the mental anguish.. and know that as bad as this is.. it's infinitely better than the original.. the fact UWE BOLL is not involved is a guarantee of that alone..

I never played the video games for either of these btw so I can't comment on the quality of the source per se there.. but given the stitched in bits in both films I suspect they are no better than the films of the same names..

if you want to waste 2 hours or so of your life with no redeeming qualities at all skip this.. find a hallmark channel drivel movie.. it'll be better! This movie is more suited for use as a sadistic punishment by forcing the ppl needing to be punished to watch it.. and for those that are even more in need of punishment the original is in order!

For the rest of us with any sanity.. stay away!! Far far away.. there is no lack of bad zombie flicks out there than are better than this even though they are bad as well.

Now I've suffered through this and the original today.. I'm questioning my own sanity and I think my youngest son's idea of hitting his head on the hardwood floor might actually be preferable!

Seriously.. I'll never get back the time wasted on these movies today.. but at least I can try to save some others from the pain and suffering I have endured in the name of IMDb!
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1/10
OMFG will someone PLEASE STOP GIVING UWE BOLL MONEY!!!
29 October 2017
OMFG will someone PLEASE STOP GIVING UWE BOLL MONEY!!!

I got up today to find this playing on TV... didn't catch the very start but that obviously does not matter at all.. and within a cpl min I was questioning if they were seriously this idiotic or if they were trying to make this movie this bad intentionally..

Well.. stupid me.. wasted time actually watching more of this craptacular pile of steaming ... no wait.. that's too polite a description.. and a pile like that at least would be useful as fertilizer..

Suffice to say watching this continued while feeding my youngest son his lunch (Thankfully he's too young to understand any of this) and it just kept getting worse.. and worse.. and WORSE.. and WWWWWOOOORRRRSSEEEEE!!!!!!

AMC.. the channel that has helped with some spectacularly good Zombie action (Walking Dead anyone?) and a few other excellent shows.. but has it's head firmly up up it's collective ass with idiotic butchering of movies was happy to put this on and then it's sequel (which can't help but be better since UWE is not involved).. and edited it for language.. but did not have the decency to cut out the entire film and substitute a simple still shot saying:

This is a test of the EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM

This film is directed by UWE BOLL.

Turn the channel NOW to save your sanity and lock the doors since the world is obviously ending when we have run out of garbage to put on TV and are reduced broadcasting this crap..

But don't worry.. we edited out the language so your sensitive ears won't ever hear profanity!!!!.. (We can't control the profanity undoubtedly being uttered by all of those watching this crap)

Now laugh all you want.. this review is idiotic and absurd.. and its intentionally so.. but at least this has saved you from wasting time of your life you will never get back from watching this load of total steaming sh*t (Seriously IMDb? Have to edit this word?? /facepalm @ that being as stupid and idiotic as AMC's butchering of films. Both pathetic and extremely childish esp since kids know that word very well by the time they hit school!) from UB...

Now as the title says:

OMFG will someone PLEASE STOP GIVING UWE BOLL MONEY!!!

Seriously!!! The man destroys everything he ever touches and some idiots keep giving him $ to make more movies..

Hell even his disaster version of AD&D.. which basically writes it'self it's so fantastically easy to get right.. and he managed to butcher it to death in a horrific fashion..

They gave him Bloodrayne, AD&D and at least a dozen others with potential... again craptacular garbage from hell every single time.... his touch is like King Midas only its CRAP instead of gold!

There seriously needs to be a public safety warning with everything that man ever touches!! Hell even his breathing or uttering the words related to any movie does untold damage to us all!

So for the sake of the children, puppies, kittens and whatever else you can add into that.. STOP GIVING HIM MONEY to make movies!!!

FFS

Pay him to NOT make movies and we will all be better off!!

Seriously!!!!

This pathetic excuse for a movie is just abysmal.. and while I've worked in the industry and am prod of some of the good stuff we have done here in Canada.. this is NOT one of them and the fact he was even allowed into the country to film this is worthy of investigation since it's an abomination to our film industry and whomever issued him the permits needed needs to be fired!!!

So review boiled down for those that want to skip to the end:

To quote the great Monty Python:

RUN AWAY!!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!
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2/10
Head scratchingly fubar
26 October 2017
This pile of complete crap is a head scratcher.. not only due to how patheticly bad it is.. but how you can't even tell if they are tying to make fun of themselves or not at the same time.. in either case if they were trying to be serious it's a disaster.. if they are trying to make fun of themselves and then genre it's a disaster.. it's simply a disaster regardless.

The fact it's made in Canada is very often a good thing.. but this is NOT one of those cases.. certain parts are obvious low end ignorant use of various firearms like the prevalence of SKS's when some in parts obviously filmed at different times/locations have AK-47's. (The former of which is non-restricted and the latter is prohibited and would require properly issued special movie permits to even have fakes for filming).

Then there is the "Russian guns.. always jamming" line.. which is quite the opposite as a rule vs reality.. and therefore I can only conclude that whomever came up with that line must have consulted the politicians here or better yet the rcmp idiots in charge of the "Canadian firearms act" whom are so deeply beyond stupid it's putting them up there with typical journalists idea of ID'ing a firearm. ie: goo.gl/cqEqim Then add in the "action star" quality of LGJ and it's another guaranteed disaster.. he starred in garbage like "Iron Eagle" for example.. where the quality was so pathetic they couldn't even get the names of various aircraft right and an untold # of other absolutely pathetic mistakes and bad writing..
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Red Sky (I) (2014)
5/10
OK but lacking
19 April 2014
Overall not a bad movie.. but it was lacking. Better than the pathetic cheeze of Iron Eagle (or it's pathetic added on clones)

Don't expect "Top Gun" quality of production and it can be interesting. However don't expect Plan 9 either.

Some decent actors.. but poor direction from MVP whom can't direct or act his way out of a wet paper bag.

That said.. at least it's not another steaming pile of sh*t from Ewe Boll! (Some moron(s) somewhere keep giving that putz $ to make movies and he creates nothing but total crap.. worst director ever)

As for aircraft.. a decent display of older Mig-29's mostly which is not as common for an American movie.

Too bad they did not have a real director instead of MVP... perhaps with someone with actual directing skill this could have been a better production.
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8/10
lmfao
6 November 2013
it's anything but an Oscar script.. and yet at the same time beyond f'ing funny... I can't count the # of times I was dying of laugher at the concocted BS in this movie and loving every moment of it.

Sometimes you just have to sit back.. pull the stick out of your ass and laugh at life.. this movies does that in spades and is a very refreshing change compared to so many other POS movies esp those trying desperately to be "politically correct" and not only failing miserably.. but ultimately doing more harm than they could ever do good.

It's tame enough for teens even preteens IMO.. since those that think otherwise still have the stick up their ass.

In short to those.. get over yourself and clue in since despite your personal opinions nature will take it's course with or without you..

This is a classic hands down.. right up there with "Jerk Socks" (Weeds episode for those unfamiliar and is the single best sex ed segment EVER for early teens)

So to conclude.. if you don't have a stick up your ass... have a beer.. watch and howl... if you do.. pull it out and follow the above directions. :)

Highly recommended.
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Ted (2012)
5/10
Sigh
12 November 2012
Oh Seth... Seth.. Seth... poor Seth MacFarlane... How conflicted you are.

You can be an insanely hilarious guy.. your stars Mark and Mila can be as well. They both funny and very personable (and Mila is seriously smokin).. I've worked with both and can't say a bad word about either ever. It was my pleasure to work w/them to say the least and I'd be happy to do so again anytime.

Family guy and your work on roasts etc is priceless.

However... wow.. you really shot yourself in the foot on this one.

It does have some good laughs.. but overall.. it is as if you were trying to make two movies at once. One a kidified pile of Disneyish crap and the other an adult comedy.. Sadly due to that conflict it ultimately fails miserably. :(

Many of us had such high hopes for this movie and I cannot fault the cast. But the screenplay creators / director dropped the ball on this one. It could have been a true classic.. but instead is destined to be a dust collector in the bargain bin.

I hate to say it but for Seth MacFarlane fans.. as well as fans of Mark and Mila... skip it.. far too many will be bitterly disappointed.

Oh and a FYI.. my wife and my brother in law.. also big fans of Seth feel very much the same on this film.
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April Showers (2009)
4/10
ugh
15 October 2012
Brave of the director to attack this sort of subject and for not glorifying the "bad guy(s)" However that is where the compliments end.

The idiotic shaky camera syndrome just annoys the hell of of many people.. the character development is shallow at best. Acting is well.. as one other review said very "after school special" and I'd have to agree.

The entire film really is a failure in the end since it lacks what is necessary to really tie things together properly.

Oh and before someone gets on the soapbox about "it's the guns" (which is inevitable on this subject. It is not and nor has it ever been. Yes tragedies happen with seriously mentally ill psychos. But this is a classic example of how moronic a "gun free zone" is.

If even some of the teachers had been armed this sort of thing could have been stopped much faster and w/far less loss of life. Same as many other incidents of this nature. No one can predict such an incident.. but we all can certainly prepare to handle such infinitely better.

All of that said.. I as most others feel for the victims of such incidents. Most everyone wishes such things never happen ever. But that is simply not reality.

The most poignant part of this entire effort is the list of those lost to all of us at the end. To those I would say we all should salute them for their sacrifice and/or bravery. But not a tear will I ever shed for those killed that perpetrate such crimes.
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