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The Philadelphia Experiment (1984)
Great story, horrible execution.
This movie was a great concept, but unfortunately, it ruins all suspension of disbelief due to the fact that the haircuts were not even close to the regulation of the time.
Were regulation 1940's military haircuts so unacceptable at the time this movie was filmed that the actors couldn't comply?
Don't get me wrong, I prefer long hair. But if you're going to make an accurate movie from that time period, than have the guys suck it down and get a haircut from that era. It will grow back in a few months.
This movie reminds me of an episode of the Partridge Family, where Bert Convey portrays a captain in the Navy. But his hair is nowhere near regulation.
So fake. Get a grip, get a 1940's haircut, or a regulation military haircut if you're going to portray somebody in the military. Otherwise, you look fake as Hell.
This was sad and disturbing to watch.
Wow, they should have let good enough alone. I was a fan of the TV show, and today they aired this movie on Decades TV. So I watched it.
It's as if they pulled Jack Klugman out of his hospital bed and forced him to do this movie. It's just sad to see him in such bad condition, as he can barely talk.
And the scene where Felix is trying to get him to sing is the worst. Jack is obviously sick as Hell and they amplify it by forcing him to sing? WTH?
Why? Why would they do this? The TV show was timeless and classic. But whoever decided to exploit Jack in order to make a movie is sick in the head.
Car 54, Where Are You? (1961)
Wow, what an utter pile of steaming poop. Decades is showing a weekend "series binge" of this show, which I've never seen before. I usually like the old black and white shows, but this is pure crap. First is the annoying theme song, "Car 54 where are you?" The obvious answer based on the helium induced vocals would be, "Pushing in someone's stool."
Joe E. Ross's character is like a three stooges reject, with his constant annoying, "Ew, ew, ew." And Fred Gwynne is a total idiot. Sad to say, he looked better with all the makeup he wore on the Munsters. They really should take all of the episodes of this train wreck, soak them in gasoline and set them on fire.
New York, New York (1977)
Stop yelling at me lady.
When I saw this movie 4 words came to mind: Amazing, outstanding, compelling and unique...
Amazing that someone would actually spend $14,000,000 to make this film and that anyone would actually pay to watch it.
Outstanding proof that Liza Minnelli wouldn't have ever gotten a job in show business if she did't have famous parents - her father, film director Vincente Minnelli and her mother the alcoholic drug addict, Judy Garland.
Compelling one to violently vomit at just the sight of her face, or sound of her voice, which isn't really singing as much as a bad caricature of her mother's drug induce yelling. Yelling that we're somehow to take as singing.
Unique in that when you combine Minnelli's and Garland's genes you end up with someone who looks like a toad from space that was beat with an ugly stick.
That Girl (1966)
The Mother of False Eyelashes
It has been said: "The decision to leave the couple engaged at the end of the run was largely the idea of Thomas herself. She did not want to send a message to young women that marriage was the ultimate goal for them and she was worried that it would have defeated the somewhat feminist message of the show."
And also: "The final episode was originally going to have Ann and Donald getting married but Marlo Thomas (who was an executive producer of the show as well as the star) refused, claiming that it sent the message to young girls that a woman's main goal in life was to be married."
And yet, for five years, she portrayed her independent feminist character as a paranoid, eternally confused, insecure woman (with a sore throat) who constantly needed the help of her father and boyfriend in almost every episode. But God forbid she send the wrong message by getting married.
Feminist message? I think not. But rather, pure hypocrisy masked in the largest false eyelashes known to mankind.
Cold Turkey (1971)
Biting the hand that feeds
Or more specifically, mocking all that made them rich and famous.
It's no surprise that Norman Lear would make a so-called "comedy" mocking the military, democracy, church, capitalism, big government and the "stereotypical" Americans he always targeted. That's just what he did. And ironically, that's how he made a living in a capitalist nation of democracy made possible by the military and the working class Americans he loved to mock.
But what amazes me is that Dick Van Dyke, Bob Newhart and Tom Poston would have any part of this film.
Let's see, first there's Dick Van Dyke: Mister dance around with cute animated Disney penguins. Mister chitty chitty bang bang inventor, loving father and heroic rescuer of imprisoned unwashed children. Mister comedy writer, middle class American father who spoiled his ungrateful son ad nauseam. Made rich and famous in films and shows that made profits out of the pockets of everyone this film mocks.
Then there's Bob Newhart: Mister stand up comedian with "funny" dry humor one ended phone conversations. Mister surrounded by middle America crazies Chicago psychologist. Mister Vermont inn owner, how-to-book writer surrounded by middle and lower class Americans. Like Van Dyke, also made rich and famous in shows that made profits out of the pockets of everyone this film mocks.
And finally there's Tom Poston: Mister frequent "celebrity guest" on game shows spanning back to the 50's. Mister insufferable deadpan reaction. Mister handy-man at a Vermont inn on Newhart. Like Van Dyke and Newhart, made rich and famous in films and shows that made profits out of the pockets of everyone this film mocks.
This film completely changes my opinion of all of them. Especially Newhart and Poston. For some reason I've always found Van Dyke annoying and unfunny. Maybe it's his nasal infected sounding voice, the dopey look on his face, or just the fact he just isn't funny or believable in any role he's been in.
My advice - unless you enjoy seeing actors mock and give the finger to the very people that made them famous, to the system that allowed them to become rich, the military establishment that kept their ungrateful asses free, then avoid it. Better yet, copy it to a VCR tape, wipe your butt with it, then take it outside and set in on fire.
Because, after all, it is a steaming pile of hypocritical crap.
The Big Green (1995)
Predictable Disney Sugar-Coated Goat Droppings
I really tried to like this movie. Lord knows I tried. After all, it was broadcast free on a local TV station and the cost of admission was zero. So I endured the animated intro that was completely disjointed from the rest of the film that followed.
I suffered through the obvious clichés of downcast misfits and insufferable moppets who were predictably going to somehow unite and overcome the mean over the top enemy coach. I resisted vomiting with the overdone insinuated affair of the teacher and the sheriff.
I held back severe diarrhea after seeing one too many scenes of the typical "misfits who will win" cliché overweight kid who had visions of ninjas and so forth as he tried to protect the goal. And despite the much expected screwed up drunken dad, and all the soon to be healed by sports parent/kid relationships, I hung in there.
But then when they got to the scene of these insufferable misfit moppets, and soon to be heroes attempting to mow the "big green", with sped up film, only to be followed by the scene of the ever lovable kids and whacked-out parents having a sweet sugar-coated love fest in the mud and rain in slow motion for added effect. That's when I lost it.
It was as if someone had induced diabetes by pouring a 2 pound bag of sugar coated doggie diamonds down my throat. Or more accurately, goat poop. Yes, to add to the whole predictable Disney over-sweetened saccharin sickness of this film, there's a goat mascot... just in case the rest of the film didn't put you in a coma.
Anyway, if you haven't seen this movie, thank God.
Il Natale che quasi non fu (1966)
Precious memories, how they linger.
Ah, yes... The nostalgia of childhood. There are so many TV shows, cartoons and Holiday "specials" I thought were the cat's balls when I was a kid. Some, that when I revisited them as an adult, I realized they sucked.
For example, The Six Million Dollar Man, The Banana Splits, Zoom and Quick Draw McGraw. When I was a kid, I thought they were the best. But after seeing them as an adult I realized they were, in reality, pure crap.
But that isn't the case with this Holiday "movie". There are things from childhood that are not just nostalgia, but precious memories. Like the old Gospel song says "how they linger". Yes, they linger much like a burning shart after eating tainted manicotti.
This "movie" ranks up there with other precious memories from my childhood. Like the first time I projectile vomited across 3 desks in 2nd grade. Or, when our 1st grade teacher would come back from lunch drunk out of her mind and physically abuse the kids in the class. Or that time I had liquid diarrhea while walking home from school.
Just like those precious memories, this "movie" sucked back then and sucks now, just as much, if not more. I remember the first time I saw it, I changed the channel for so many reasons. 1. I could eat a dictionary and poop better lyrics than the opening song. 2. The voices didn't match the extremely poor acting. 3. The colors were whacked, as if one had taken bad acid. 4. The "special effects" were incredibly bad. And 5. The story was boring as Hell.
Yes sometimes nostalgia will gain loyalty from those with no taste who enjoyed this "movie" as a child. And sometimes, nostalgia and memories just can't polish a turd.
The Man in the Iron Mask (1998)
This movie was recently aired on a local TV station. I was passing by the channel and figured I'd watch it since I missed it in the theater. That, and there wasn't anything else on worth watching.
I guess at first I thought it odd that someone would cast Brooke Shields as King Louis XIV, but wanted to watch to see if she was somehow able to pull it off.
About 20 minutes into the film I thought her acting was a little odd, even for her. So I checked the movie info on screen and discovered it wasn't Brooke Shields, but rather, Leonardo DiCaprio.
After that, all suspension of disbelief was gone. It was replaced with utter amazement at how much DiCaprio looked like Shields.
This movie paved a new road to a previously unknown art form. Something I've never seen before on screen, or in real life.
As many have pointed out - it has sub par acting, poor script writing and looks as if it was directed by a high school media student who gets bad grades. But that's all been done before.
There was one thing that this movie had that no other movie before ever had. That is, the art of audible smoking.
I've known a lot of smokers over the years, both male and female, young and old. And I've never seen (or should I say heard) any of them smoke the way the lead "actress" of this film does. This audible smoking technique runs throughout the film, but the most notable example is the scene in her brother's kitchen where she is standing in front of the wall phone.
There's the loud inhale, a brief pause, and then the louder exhale carefully skewing the mouth sideways so as not to blow smoke at the cameraman.
Another example is when the biker enters her room. Once again, the loud inhale, a brief pause and then the louder sideways exhale.
I've been on earth for over half a decade. Like I said, I've known a lot of smokers. But I've never seen or heard any of them smoke like this.