Change Your Image
Upload An Image
Crop And Save
This Is the End (2013)
Terrible at trying to relate to common people, but funny as heck
Starting off the movie is incredibly slow. Over the first 20 minutes or so we are subjected to watching a bunch of successful drunk and stoned idiots, and they like to make that very apparent, enjoy the perks of wealth and fame. That's irritating for me. I've worked hard my entire life and don't get to go out and buy a 3D large screen television just so my friend can get high and play video games when he visits (That's an actual scene!). They spend a lot of time talking about how they want to make more movies so they can get drunk/high and hang out and be funny while making cart loads of money. They hang out a party filled with celebrities in a very luxurious house and we find out the owner is an idiot and just a bad person all around. They are supposed to be playing themselves and if that's true then I HATE them as people.
However after that, it quickly ramps up and is actually pretty funny. It sometimes stretches jokes out too far or gets too dumb, but over all the movie is actually really good. Aside from the beginning the only other complaint I have is the end. They try to shoehorn in some of the worst morals ever and then follow up with the worst green-screen running effect I've seen recently and a completely unimaginative ending and jokes about how they like getting high and partying.
If you just cut out the entire beginning scene, it's just Seth Rogen and a friend running to another friends house when the apocalypse starts, which is fine. I don't need any back story on why you guys are friends or exposition that goes out the window once survival is on the line. Cut out the last 8 minutes and it's ending on a perfect note. Remember, just because it's a comedy it doesn't have to end with a joke especially when it takes you 5 minutes to get there. I can't tell if it's padding or just bad writing and editing, but this movie was very close to being amazing if not a bit short.
I won't give it higher marks because it's just so infuriating and I don't think that Seth Rogen could even comprehend why it's not entertaining to see complete failures enjoying so many luxuries and being able to party and get high all the time. I get it. You're rich. Now stop rubbing it in my face.
Man of Steel (2013)
Ignore ratings lower than 4 and higher than 8
First off I want to point out the ratings issue I'm having with this. The movie wasn't terrible to the point where it deserves less than 3 stars, it wasn't Battlefied Eart level of bad. Also it's not in anyway a 9+ movie, just too many small issues that really bring it down a bit. I think this movie is plagued with either Hate it (1 star! This movie literally gave me cancer now I have to schedule surgery) or love it (OMG! 10 STARS! Beats Citizen Kane!) syndrome.
The movie itself has some issues that really seem to deter from the enjoyment of the film.
Zod as a villain was a good pick and he was almost a great villain. He had the actor and the motivation, but the execution was off from becoming what could be one of the best movie villains. Zod begins the movie trying to save Krypton just like Jor-el but with slightly different execution, this is great. Zod and crew escape Krypton's death and go to search for any other signs of Kryptonian life only to find themselves alone, again wonderful and really sets the tone for his desire to save his race. When he appears on Earth he demands Kal-el to surrender or he will attack the planet, could have been a bit more soft spoken here. When they began their message they start with the message "You are not alone" which is delivered in a rather ambiguous way, had they followed it with "we are the last survivors of our planet and search for Krypton's lost son" and had Zod been interested in bringing Kal-el into his ship's crew it would have set a better tone. The final issue is that Zod wants to terraform the planet and kill all humans. Why? There is no motivation for him to do this outside of inconvenience to Kryptonians in Earth's atmosphere. There are several ways to handle this. Say Earth's atmosphere is poisonous to Kryptonians and shorten their long life span, or say that his ship is out of fuel for interplanetary travel and Earth is their absolute last chance to bring about a new Krypton. It could have been about two men trying to save their people, but only one of their people can survive. Instead Zod is almost comically evil at this point when he was an otherwise amazing villain. There is even a scene when Zod begs Superman not to damage one of the ships because it's the only one with a Genesis chamber (which will allow future Kryptonians to be born) and Superman lasers the ship in half. They portrayed both Superman and Zod's struggle rather poorly at this point.
The romance between Superman and Lois Lane is a bit forced in there. Zod even has Lois Lane brought in with Superman, despite having absolutely no reason to do so and they just throw her into a storage room at their earliest opportunity. Then Superman decides to make out with Lois at ground zero of an alien invasion where there are several skyscrapers and office buildings in rubble around them. Nobody even seems to care that thousands are probably dead or injured.
However the movie has many positive aspects going for it. The story and pacing can be a bit jarring with the changes in setting, time, and tone but overall is pulled off fairly well. The story itself sets up a good foundation for a franchise with an injured nation wondering if they can trust our adopted alien guard. Overall I think it's pretty good for a superhero movie and definitely worth seeing.
After Earth (2013)
It won't give you Polio but it's still not good
Basically the movie plays out exactly as the trailers depict it. Will and Jaden Smith crash land on Earth, which was abandoned because... well... because it's the future. I'll go over some of the movies failings that happen in the first 15 minutes to point out why this is both terrible science fiction and a bad movie. Spoilers ahead
1.) Humans contact aliens who then unleash monsters against us. That's it. We know nothing about the aliens or their motivations other than they want us dead because of reasons. What could have been an interesting story of finding out why aliens are trying to kill us, is completely abandoned for the worst human bonding since The Human Centipede. 2.) The monster's only means of detecting humans is via the scent of pheromones related to fear. Knowing that these things shouldn't cause any fear what so ever, since they stumble around blindly once you aren't scared. 3.) Even though the monster's only detect smells, people still fight against them without air tight suits or any means to use this to their advantage. 4.) The future has no guns. The only weapons the people use are technologically advanced sticks. They have to artificially set up the scenario where the hero (Will Smith) is able to walk around slaying monsters that can't see him to show how bad ass he is. Really Astronauts with Gatling guns would not only have ended the war in minutes, but would have been a better movie all together. 5.) They show a scene where Jaden hides from the monster in a clear plastic bubble and it completely ignores him. This isn't terrifying, it shows how dumb your monster is. 6.) The first mention of "smelling fear" until the credits roll is nothing but pure unadulterated "coming of age" story and it's portrayed in a stupid way. Jaden literally goes out of his way to try and die even when his father tells him exactly what to do to not die. 7.) There is a scene where Jaden is told he won't make Ranger because he breaks down in the field, and then proceeds to cry about it to the person grading him. This doesn't make anyone sympathetic towards him, if anything I feel bad for the instructor. 8.) When the ship is about to crash, the only one secured in their seat is Jaden and the pilots. Will is tossed all the way across the craft and several people are sucked out the broken tail section. There is no reason why Will should have lived when the pilots died and no reason why none of the other passengers weren't secured. 9.) There are two emergency kits, in the front and back of the ship. The aerodynamic front section had it's emergency kit completely crushed because nothing was apparently impact resistant. For some reason they make the assumption that the back end, which is a giant tube for aerodynamic purposes, and expect it's kit to be intact. 10.) The aft end kit is intact, like everything. Despite all reasons for it to not be. The writer really forces this unbelievable scenario down our throats. 11.) Will Smith is better than you in every way. He is the "Prime Commander" who is immune to fear to the point where he is invisible, he survives crash landings while being hurled around the cabin, he shrugs off two broken legs, and is able to have his left Femoral Artery severed and avoid bleeding out (even after botched surgery) for several days.
Iron Man Three (2013)
Exceptionally well done and fun the entire time.
I'll try to keep this brief because there are a lot of things I can say about the movie. First off, it's not like the comics. That's fine, it's not the comics. It takes ideas and themes from comics and makes it into something new. That's not a problem, it's just something new. If you had a problem with the spider in SpiderMan being genetically altered instead of radioactive, this is not the movie for you. The only complaint I can actually manage to form is that Tony Stark seems to have an issue with anxiety throughout most of the film and then it ends up going away because he begins tinkering around, even though he has been tinkering around the entire film. I'm not sure if it even goes away, because he seems to have no problem when faced with a real threat, only when he is out in public with no imminent danger.
Graphics are amazing as always, I had some issues with the 3D being out of focus sometimes in the corner but I'm assuming it was a projector problem. Story line was easy to follow along with and I personally think well managed. It's very eventful and I can't really recall a moment that was boring. RDJ really does make the movie though and does an amazing job of keeping every scene lively and entertaining.
The Following (2013)
About as edgy and new as the moon
This show is absolutely terrible. For me gore isn't really an issue, but this time it was. I loved the movie Dredd despite it's horrible violence and gore, because it didn't shove it in my face. This show can't get away from it because it's the only thing it really has to keep people interested. But showing a tortured and brutalized dog that's barely alive and suffering or playing a tortured girl's cries for help while having her eyes ripped out is too far. That's trash writing right there. There are plenty of ways to evoke the emotions of fear and sympathy without crossing that line, but when you need to cross that line just to try and stand out you know you're standing alone and deserve it.
Seriously though, the show is just so proud of their lame characters. I get it. You think they're great. The killer is more tech savvy than the federal agents and their tech support, despite no real background in the subject that we are presented. The killer is so much smarter and well planned than the entire police department, feds, and Kevin Bacon. The police are just bumbling around while the cultist are running around like Ninja, even though he only had a short amount of time to actually have everyone brainwashed and trained. The villain manages to gather an entire army of followers and trains them into how to be super stealthy tech ninjas while in prison and manages to craft the most elaborate detailed plan ever. Kevin Bacon is the only person on the planet that can catch the villain because... well... Actually they never explain that. A poor girl had to get tortured and murdered before he decided to check any places with a Poe story theme to it. If only Google had been there to save the day. Also, a killer with an Edgar Allen Poe theme? Wow, how original. This seems more like some first year lit students fan-fiction than anything else. It's just like if Silence of the Lambs was written by a 13 year old.
This is just a bad story, with bad characters, following a predictable and boring plot, in a world filled with simpletons. They try to portray this guy like Hannibal Lecter, a suave and sophisticated genius that perpetrates amazing crimes and helped other serial killers become legends. The problem is that they fail horribly. Hannibal was terrifying because he wasn't trying to impress anyone with his art and actually had studied psychology. He was terrifying because he understood the human mind. This guy is failed writer and a Lit professor. The local Librarian would have been more frightening. The whole failed artist aspect just makes me think of a whiny teenager. They portray the law enforcement as a horrible and incompetent disorganized force. They never manage to look in obvious hiding places, do background checks, call for help, have a weapon ready, do psyche checks on guards, have a radio/whistle/panic button available, a safe house or hotel where all the planning would be voided, or something as simple as recognizing your coworker is acting weird in the locker room.
The plot is more unstable than a house of playing cards. Anyone one whistle blown or caught henchman and the whole thing would have been pieced together in seconds and in plenty of time to stop the next plot twist. And it happens more times than you would think. Spoilers. If they put the last victim in a safe house. If they would have kept their eye on the nanny after realizing that the last victims friends for the last several years were working for the killer. If the nanny didn't get the job, or the gay couple didn't get the house next door, or anyone moving within the three years. If the neighbors of the guard would have realized his house smelled of death and the sounds of tortured animals could be heard from within. If the neighbors would have realized that dozens of pets going missing seems very odd. If Kevin Bacon would have called for help the two times he wandered alone. If the three murdered officers would have called for help in the two different locations and times. If the prison guards were able to stop one man from murdering all five of them within minutes without setting off an alarm. If the gay couples landlord would have done a credit check. If any of the police experts would have thought to look in Poe-themed locations. If the police didn't bring in Kevin Bacon, or at least take him off the case after realizing his involvement. If the police actually tried interrogating the killer and treating him like a criminal instead of a wonderful artist and genius that deserves undying respect. If anyone would have recognized the missing child with the three serial killers. If any of the cultists broke or got caught before the prison break, during the man hunt, or afterward. If any of those happened, the story would have crumbled. Thats a lot to have to overlook in only two episodes. I probably missed a few, and I still got to 18 different points. If you saw the show, try watching it again with those in mind. The show thinks it's great and keeps telling you every second how great it is despite being a poorly thought out train of idiocy.