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The Mummy (2017)
Tom Cruise continues to share with us his insights . . .
. . . on Scientology, a growing religion where he serves as some sort of Vice Pope. In this follow-up to his EYES WIDE SHUT expose, Mr. Cruise provides further details about Scientologist Sacraments and Rituals throughout THE MUMMY. Though some if not most of these Services may strike the uninitiated as being akin to Tawdry Sex Orgies and Ultra-Violent Misanthropic Outbursts, viewers should keep such thoughts TO THEMSELVES. Chief American Trump has never said that he's NOT a Scientologist, and he sure looks and acts like one. Trump's position on Scientology is totally unknown to the American Public. If it turns out that Trump is a fellow Vice Pope to Cruise, or perhaps an even higher-ranking member of the Scientology Hierarchy, then ANY criticism of THE MUMMY's precepts will be tantamount to Hate Speech in the eyes of Our Government. Even a mildly negative review of THE MUMMY could be enough to trigger jack-booted FBI, CIA, and\or NSA thugs crashing through YOUR door! See THE MUMMY at your Own Risk, keeping in mind the widely-publicized current Real Life world-wide mercury shortage!!
When Aussie honchos stole Aboriginal kids . . .
. . . from the Outback and "adopted" them out to City Folk, that was wrong. When the State of Oklahoma filched Jim Thorpe from his Teepee and deported him to Pennsylvania's Amish Country, that also was wrong. When Don Trump popped out a quartet of perfectly normal kids from a couple wives of his own culture, and then LOST at Russian Roulette--Super Model Edition--THAT was wrong, too. A movie outfit named "Warner" tries to warn America against continuing such egregious practices in UNFORGETTABLE. Dave's daughter is named "Lily" because she is Lily White. Julia (Warner discloses at 17:40) is a product of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, which pervades HER Culture and whose deleterious effects are evident throughout UNFORGETTABLE. Dave's Hots for Julia also will expose Lily to furtive Second Hand Smoke (this, too, is endemic to Julia's Culture). Thus Innocent Lily is to be doomed to a brief life of Torture by Cancer (40:20). Julia's even clueless about Lily's Personal Hygience Care, costing Lily her Crowning Glory even before Cancer takes its toll. UNFORGETTABLE's credits state that current U.S. Secretary of Money Steve Mnuchin financed this flick, probably on the Taxpayer dime. That's how important our newly-installed government sees the need for an END to such Cross-Cultural Follies as Julia's Shenanigans with Dave and Lily.
Adam's Rib (1949)
Frankie had a handbook on shooting . . .
. . . when her gun went off through Johnny's lover's door, in MGM's paean to Responsible Gun Ownership, ADAM'S RIB. Lesson One: Don't be a dumb cluck like Doris here, leaving your three kids home alone to go gunning for Daddy WITHOUT EVER HAVING FIRED A TARGET PRACTICE SHOT! Katherine Hepburn plays the NRA's poster girl in ADAM'S RIB, urging American wives to come to their marriage beds not only armed to the teeth, but as proficient Annie Oakley Sure Shots, too. That way when a husband such as ADAM'S RIB'S "Warren Attinger" busts wife's Doris' molar, she can simply shoot off his acorns and avoid Planned Parenthood altogether. Spencer Tracy, on the other hand, plays title character Adam, a typical Republican Bleeding Heart Liberal, aiming to keep America's Great Equalizers out of the hands of the "Little Ladies." Tracy does not wish to risk losing a future U.S. Commander-in-Chief just because the dude gets drunk one night and rapes one of his aging baby-mom spouses, as documented in Official Court Papers for American President #45. However, IF MGM had done a better job of promoting ADAM'S RIB to America's Womenfolk, Putin's Puppet would not be around to Lord it over us in the White House right now! Therefore, after watching ADAM'S RIB, why not send some dough to your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps!)?
Shanghaied Shipmates (1936)
"We want food! We want food! We want food! . . . "
" . . . We want food!" chant the spoiled Millennials Warner Bros.' supremely clairvoyant Looney Tuners glimpse in the (Then) Far, Far future and represent as a mutinous sailor mob in SHANGHAIED SHIPMATES. Just today word broke that Millennials are contracting Colo-Rectal Cancer at double the rate of even the coddled Baby Boomer Generation, because American Millennials are mostly sedentary, over-weight game boys living in their parents' basements, according to the 4 PM CBS radio news. SHANGHAIED SHIPMATES blames the Millennials for the Advent of Trump, as they did not put up a fight against the USA's first Game-Show-Host-in-Chief hijacking the White House with loads of help from Red Commie KGB Czar Vlad "The Mad Russian" Putin. Tonight Putin's Prez will announce his elimination of the Departments of Labor, Interior, Education, Housing, and Health, as well as the Environmental Protection Agency. Since Millennial brains have totally atrophied since their high school days, let me spell out what this means: with Agriculture and Labor gone, no more fast food, carry-out, or even pizza deliveries, because A)there won't be any workers to GROW the grub, and B)no one will be able to afford gas on wages of a buck fifty an hour, with the so-called Minimum Wage MIA. In the absence of Education and Housing, there won't be any more trips back to college for second and third Master's Degrees on six-digit student "loans," and no hope of being able to BUY a home of your own even IF you're that one-in-a-billion Gamer actually making real money as even lazier folks watch you play. Fresh air probably is out of the question for the Future you've doomed the rest of us to, seeing as how Interior is peddling all of America's National Parks at a close-out sale. Don't worry, though, if the polluted air and foul water coming your way in the vacuum left by the EPA doesn't get you, surely the radon in your parents' basement will.
Fifty Shades Darker (2017)
It's time for America to finally give Billionaires a break . . .
. . . FIFTY SHADES DARKER convinces us. Most of these Ultra-successful guys have been burned all over their bodies by cigarettes growing up, DARKER documents, so it's amazing that they're still able to help the U.S. as much as they do. As Leader Trump has demonstrated in at least three of his marriages, most Gentlemen Billionaires behave toward our womenfolk just like those Common People who nurse damaged wild birds back to life. When Dakota Johnston comes into Billionaire Christian Grey's orbit, it's clear that she merits a rating of three or four on the Ten-Point Scale, at best. But thanks to Billionaire Grey's unceasing efforts to salvage her physical appearance, most dudes would rank Ms. Johnston as a solid six and a half by the end of DARKER. Furthermore, DARKER illustrates how these Job-Creating Billionaires allow America's Economy to hum along. From the Crafters of ornate facial coverings for Masquerade Balls to the polishers of wooden yacht decks, it's clear that giants like Leader Trump and Christian Grey are keeping hundreds of us employed as the Wind Beneath Their Wings, to the tune of AT LEAST $7.65 an hour (if their work is satisfactory enough to deserve any paycheck at all, that is). Though no Billionaire in his Right Mind would let these potential leeches have benefits by awarding them full-time work, they're still pocketing a bounty of $14,000 annually (before taxes) while they enjoy ObamaCare (for a couple more weeks). So let's give three cheers for Christian Grey and Leader Trump!!
Rhythm in the Bow (1934)
This brief cartoon is another deft Warner Bros. allegorical warning . . .
. . . about the (perhaps literal) Hell on Earth in store for America during the Trump Years (or perhaps we'll all be obliterated in mere months). "Warnologists" have been pointing out for years that Warner's Animated Shorts Seers division (aka, the Looney Tuners) had a particular focus upon alerting We Americans of the (then) Far Future about our upcoming Calamities, Catastrophes, Cataclysms, and Apocalpti (though Warner earned about as much respect for this Public Service as Cassandra among the Ancient Greeks). Midway through RHYTHM IN THE BOW, released by Warner in 1934, the featured fiddler wanders into a Hooverville. However, contemporary audiences for RHYTHM may have objected that such encampments of the destitute homeless were long gone, with the advent of President "FDR" Roosevelt's New Deal. And so they were THEN, but they'll be popping up again all over the face of America like the worst acne breakout any teenager has ever suffered, with Billionaire Trump's Cabinet of Deplorables. The airwaves are full these days with new outrageous plans in the war being waged against We 99 Per Centers, with the drastic reduction (that is, the virtual elimination of) ObamaCare, Planned Parenthood, Medicare, Social Security, Medicaid, Public Education, Unions, Safe Pharmaceuticals, Food Inspections, Environmental Protection, and Worker Safety Laws. It's now a Government by the Billionaires, for the Billionaires. The EPA has been renamed the Environmental Pollution Agency, a Forecloser-in-Chief heads the Treasury Department, a Red Commie KGB Medalist is in charge of Foreign Relations, and just this morning the Most Hated Lady in Michigan--Billionaire Betsy "Amway Calling" DeVos, who glories in having destroyed Detroit Public Schools--has been tapped (despite a record FIFTY "No!!!" votes!) to poison ALL of America's school kids with a bogus "brain supplement" that amounts to a Liquid Lobotomy THAT SHE'S GOING TO CHARGE FOR at her string of For-Profit Charter Learning Shacks (which is why the three kids in backpacks pop out kicking and screaming just before The Fiddler is chased out of Trumpville by the canine symbolizing Trump's puppeteer, Vlad "Mad Dog" Putin, near the close of RHYTHM IN THE BOW).
The Space Between Us (2017)
Billionaire Fat Cat Thomas Alva Edison was NOT a "BADA$$" dude . . .
. . . visiting Martian Gardner Elliot corrects a misinformed classmate of Tulsa's about 57 minutes into THE SPACE BETWEEN US. For those of you new to the life and times of T.A. Edison, this over-rated "inventor" wanted all Americans to live in concrete homes he planned to sell them, and only be allowed to watch movies one person at a time in men's arcades, with his cameramen's titillating "peep show" content NOT suitable for a family audience. About the only thing he invented was Movie Censorship, as he desperately tried to get a monopoly stranglehold over the film world similar to the one that he'd once had on Electricity. Speaking of strangleholds and electricity, Edison's most famous movie is something he personally titled ELECTROCUTING AN ELEPHANT, about which Gardner teaches a class of sheltered High Schoolers in Colorado.
As documented in the 2008 WIRED magazine article "Edison Fries an Elephant to Prove a Point," as well as in American Poet Laureate W.S. Merwin's poem "A Chain to Her Leg" and the rock band Edison Orange's song "Topsy the Elephant--and as you can see for yourself RIGHT NOW on either YouTube or at the U.S. Library of Congress Web Site, Topsy (America's favorite pachyderm, living on Coney Island, New York, from 1875 until Edison's henchmen tortured her to death on Jan. 4, 1903) was chained to the ground, poisoned, electrocuted and strangled as a large crowd of male perverts gathered around to smell her burning flesh, listen to her Death Shrieks, and titter at her Dying Convulsions. Topsy was finally strangled, Edison's circuitry was so ineffective (something that would happen again 50 years later, when random Jewish housewife Ethel Rosenberg was fried for half an hour with at least three major jolts of Edison Juice as male "photojournalists" snapped titillating pics left and right during Rich People Party Senator Joe "Mad Dog" McCarthy's deplorable pogrom). Adjusted for inflation, Edison was worth about 18 Trumps, and his fervent support for the Rich People's Party doomed America to at least 150 years of Bad Luck under the Laws of Karma. Therefore, it's sort of ironic that this Peeping Tom's main claim to Lasting Infamy is for frying Topsy--the Symbol of the G.O.P. Rich People's Party!
Porky's Duck Hunt (1937)
No one should have to live in such a slum . . .
. . . where you have to worry about getting punched out every time that you inadvertently fire a shotgun blast through the ceiling of your living room, Warner Bros. teaches us with PORKY'S DUCK HUNT. This short begins and ends with two such incidents involving Porky Pig and his hulking Big Bruiser Bully upstairs neighbor, who limps downstairs each time to mete out a slug in the snout (with NO semblance of due process at all!) to Warner's favorite Porker. Though THE UNTOUCHABLES featured Sean Connery instructing America's Movers and Shakers NOT to expect good outcomes IF they insist upon bringing knives to gun fights, Porky's firearm proves fairly worthless because 1)He's a terrible shot, 2)His piece frequently jams since this slob hunter never cleans it, and 3)He's stingy purchasing ammo (buying his shells in boxes of 25, instead of ordering 1,000-round economy crates from Amazon) and he's totally out of lead during his second mauling. Every U.S. Citizen is given heaping helpings of food for thought by PORKY'S DUCK HUNT. But as guns don't buy themselves, please remember the Poor and support your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps) TODAY!!
Now, more than ever before, True Americans must ask themselves, "WWJD?" . . .
. . . as in, "What would John Wayne do?" During CHISUM, Mr. Wayne joins forces with Billy the Kid to gun down countless corrupt sheriffs and deputies. No doubt many of these deputies think that they "were just following orders." But as hundreds of low-level Nazis hung for War Crimes after World War Two discovered as they were dangling from their nooses, this excuse of "I was just following orders" does NOT cut it when push comes to shove. How is CHISUM relevant to we Americans of the 21st Century Now? In a nut shell, 46% of U.S. voters have violated their Constitutional Oath NOT to elect Satan as America's President. First off, they voted for a self-proclaimed finger rapist of American Womanhood. Try to channel Mr. Wayne's (or Chisum's) reaction to the ACCESS H0LLYWOOD taped confession, or his response if Mr. T's tiny little digits had sneakily penetrated his niece Sallie's most personal part. Can't you just hear him muttering "You make me sick, Donald" in that disgusted guttural tone he had (assuming that he did not resort to immediate "Frontier Justice")? At the very least, CHISUM Justice calls for any known Trump supporters to spend the rest of their lives on their state's Sex Offender Registry, because American Law always has equated conspiracy to condone or facilitate a crime with actually committing that offense yourself, with an equivalent penalty being imposed on you.
Perhaps the next biggest Reveal from last month's fiasco is that Communist Russia has been propping up the National Rifle Association financially for at least a decade, funneling in countless rubles for their pro-Trump political ads. Exit polls show that election loser Trump got 91% of the vote from card-carrying NRA dupes. If America ever gets back to her normal self, the NRA MUST be outlawed as a terrorist organization.
Finally, Trump's appointment today of KGB chief Vlad "The Impaler" Putin's top Fifth Column Agent in America as U.S. Secretary of State--4th in line to the Presidency--after the previous Administration had Nixed this clown's plot to double what we pay at the gas pumps by merging his Exxon Company with Putin's Oligarch Oil Concern essentially welds America onto Russia's Rump as a Puppet Regime. Heroic Anti-Communist fighter Wayne would not have tolerated this sad situation for a New York Minute, nor would have Chisum or his buddy, Billy the Kid. They would have had the sense to go after ANY Trump supporter, given the fact that 24 U.S. intelligence agencies announced their agreement that the Trump Campaign was micro-managed, financed, and controlled by Putin and his Red Communist Henchmen in Russia BEFORE anyone voted. The U.S. military especially must be PURGED of the 226 generals and admirals Trump has claimed as supporters, and the rest of the Oath Takers there who have sworn to "fight to preserve and defend the U.S. Constitution" MUST be put on Trial for High Treason as soon as things get back to normal. John Wayne and his buddy Billy the Kid have NO qualms about killing as many corrupt so-called law enforcement people to make things right in CHISUM. If they had to waste a couple million Ring Leaders who duped a minority of 50 million some Fellow Travelers to Vote Trump, they would view the necessity for undertaking such a task--no matter how daunting--as a No-Brainer. America sometimes can show a little Mercy (though NOT toward a Baby Killer such as Tim McVeigh). As long as the weapons and assets of the weak-minded sheep who blindly danced to the tune of Trump's Pied Piper are promptly surrendered, there may not be a need to thin their suspect gene pool by liquidating them. We are NOT Nazi Germany. But we cannot afford to stay Putin's Amerika for very long, since inertia loves company. Again, ask yourself WWJD--What Would John Do?--and contribute to your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps) Today!
Manchester by the Sea (2016)
Someone said, "You can never go home again . . . "
. . . to which MANCHESTER BY THE SEA makes the addendum, "but if you do, be sure to bring a gun." Since I hate to include major spoilers in a review, let me sidestep doing so a little bit by offering an analogy to MANCHESTER. Say that you're Secretariat's groom, the one person in the world that "Big Red" loves the most and with whom the legendary thorough-bred race horse feels the most comfortable. Say that "your" horse already has won the Derby and Preakness with record times so fast that almost all True Competition has been withdrawn from the third jewel of the Triple Crown--the Belmont Stakes--which your four-legged best buddy is favored to win now by 30 or 40 lengths. Then say that the night before the Big Race you forget to engage the safety lens on the old-school oil lantern which has calmed Big Red every evening since he was born three years earlier, resulting in him burning to death with a stable full of high-priced horses. When you cannot erase their tortured whinnies from your brain, and the police tell you that while your career with horses is toast, you're free to go home, wouldn't you try to use the nearest cop's service revolver to blow your brains out, as Casey Affleck does in MANCHESTER (being too poor to afford his own firearm)? Sure you would. So after watching MANCHESTER, please do not forget to contribute to your local chapter of BANGS (Broke Americans Need Gun Stamps)!