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Attack Force (2006) (V)
65 out of 73 people found the following review useful:
Dreadful - Have Moist Wipes and Anti-Bacterial Lotion on Hand b/c You'll Feel Like Shi'ite After Watching This, 5 December 2006

I'm a huge Steven Seagal fan. Hell, I probably weigh as much as he does although I don't have the street cred to sport the frizzy-mullet-ponytail. Having stated my own bias and affection for America's favorite corpulent stage and screen hero, it is with a heavy heart that I must declare this to be his worst movie ever. I'm not sure he could make a movie any worse than this.

In his defense the major problems with this film seem to occur in post-production. It's painfully obvious that this movie was supposed to have a different storyline. That results in woeful voiceovers in which Steve's voice doesn't nearly sync up with that of the dubbed voice. The editing is pisspoor and overall this starts bad, gets even worse, and by the end you'll wish you had rewatched The Da Vinci Code instead. Yes, it's that bad.

After this I don't know what to expect from Steve. My friends still laugh at me for listening to his CDs. Is it time I start checking out some of the Van Damme direct to DVD nutty logs? If you are tempted to watch this movie, rip your eyeballs out and flush them down the toilet. A lifetime of darkness is better than 89 minutes of this.

Clementine (2004)
5 out of 6 people found the following review useful:
Another masterful career move from "The King of the Gate", Steven Seagal!, 24 April 2006

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I have been a lifelong Steven Seagal fan. Whenever a new direct-to-DVD Seagal movie comes out, I have my girlfriend pick it up at Blockbuster and send to to me in prison. Typically, these are the 3 or 4 best days of each year for me.

Where should I start? As you may have read already, Seagal makes a bold career transition, on par with Robin Wiliams giving up on Mork to go Dead Poet, or like Cruise dumping Ethan Hunt for his bad-guy role in Collateral. Seagal unveils his dark side as he plays Jack Miller, the undefeated fighting champion in this South Korean movie. But there is so much more, there is drama, a rekindled romance, action-packed fight sequences, bad subtitles, bad sunglasses, and a throw-down annoying kid who says "Momma" non-stop for the last 15 minutes of this film.

I am undeserving of bearing witness to the genius that we know as Steven Seagal. I had this movie for 3 nights and me and all the fellas from the license plate shop watched this all three nights. What a pleasant way to top off an evening after our institutional evening meal has been served.

Seagal's character is not prominent in the film until the conclusion. If you are on your deathbed and need to finish this quickly, fast forward to 1hr 20min and you'll have your payday. For the rest of us that have the time to watch the story unravel, grab your partner and set aside 1 hr and 40 minutes to be entertained in a way that Rob Schneider could only accomplish if he made a movie of himself swimming with hungry great white sharks.

Seagal is the genius of our generation. The night after I first watched this I logged onto and made a $25 donation in Steven's name. After watching a movie with the pedigree of "Clementine", I felt obligated to give something back (even if it meant I was donating $$ from somebody else's account).

SPOILER ALERT: For the first time I can recall, Seagal owns a WWE-style World Championship Belt in this film. It was probably designed for a smallish South Korean. Incidentally, Seagal is billed by the movie ring announcer as 6'4" and 225 pounds. I guess he's back on the Grapefruit Diet.

Submerged (2005) (V)
2 out of 2 people found the following review useful:
Seagal continues to push the envelope of mediocrity, another disaster-piece..., 5 June 2005

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

This is like watching a car crash - you just can't turn away. Well actually, I did leave the movie playing while I left the room to reheat some leftovers and make myself a smoothie. While watching this piece of crap I experienced dizziness, shortness of breath, nausea, excessive sweating and abdominal cramping - all the symptoms of a Steven Seagal film. Nonetheless in Seagal's defense, this is by definition "awfully good". I have no idea what the story is. I just keep renting these god-awful DVD instant classics in hopes of seeing Seagal in a tee shirt. I can only imagine how fat he is and that's what keeps me on the edge of my seat. Rent (with a discount coupon) only after consulting a medical professional.

This movie is so bad I think I'd rather eat a pound of Lima beans or schedule an unnecessary surgical procedure before I'd watch it again. That being said, only by knowing that which truly sucks (to wit, this film) can one appreciate the finer things in life.