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American Pie 9 - I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell easily one of Stiflers finest movies yet
Post the events of American Pie 4, Jim who has strangely been renamed Dan probably for ease sake, is getting remarried again. There is no reference as to where the one from How I Met Your Mother went, but we can assume divorce or death. At a very short 12 hours long, the plot dragged on and the characters were wrong. Note the rhyme. The three main characters were so unlikeable that I didn't even like them at all in this movie. In fact i definitely didn't like them. The pacing of the movie was SO bad that I didn't like that either. In fact it was even very good. It was SO bad that I thought it was terrible. The scene in the movie in which Tucker (Stifler) has a poo was really funny, especially the part where he poos a lot and some goes on the floor and he has to wipe his bumhole with his t-shirt, and as previously mentioned poo is everywhere. In fact there is so much poo everywhere that there is poo literally everywhere. In conclusion, where was Eugene Levy. That would have made this film a solid (unlike the poo) 10. Unfortunately this film wasn't a 10, however was it a quite low 5, we think it was somewhere in between. We bring the film up from a 5 due to the following reasons: 1) Poo (LOTS) 2) Sex and boobs and strippers and talking about sex 3) Sick in hair 4) Misogyny, sexism and slight racism. (Quite a lot of all)
To conclude, where was Eugene Levy. A very very very low 9.0 for us.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)
Not suitable for epileptics.
As someone who has never played a video game ever I did not appreciate the use of video game sounds throughout this movie. I found it offensive to the vast majority of the public who have no idea what a Sega is and I would hope that those in charge will not make such a foolish decision ever again. This being said the music within the film was in my humble opinion +++, however I was concerned by the simple fact that the music was live, which creates a ridiculous risk, which for someone with my social anxiety resulted in a severe panic attack. Scott Pilgrim is renowned for being a stylish movie, but I felt the use of OST (On Screen Text) was gratuitous to the point of nausea (ad nauseum). When I watch a movie I do not want to read during it, if I wanted to read I would have stayed at home and read a comic book. However I suppose this is to be expected from a foreign film. My main concern for this film is the simple but downright disgusting use of strong violence throughout, with a strong basis in using cumbersome and unimaginative weaponry. Do you really need to dedicate an entire scene to a fight? What message is this sending out to the younger generations? I will tell you because that wasn't a rhetorical question. A BAD MESSAGE. Finally, I was pleased that the film came to a happy conclusion for all parties, but was surprised and a little shocked to find there was no intimate sex scene between the 2 protagonists (the girls), neither were even topless. I feel that I wasted £2.99 in purchasing this film from the Morrisons bargain bin and am disappointed in all who took part, apart from Toby Maguire who really rocked that last scene.
To conclude, not all that great but a little bit better than Debbie Does Dallas. Our score you ask? A pitiful 9.0 out of 10.0.
Debbie Does Dallas (1978)
No bras! WTF?!
This movie begins with our characters, the girls cheerleading squad, discussing life in the communal locker area. They move this philosophical chatter into the showers, and begin washing themselves in every nook and cranny. This promotes excellent personal hygiene, and teaches us all to shower on a daily basis. Good message!
The girls immediately try to acquire jobs in which to fund their friends trip to Dallas/possible drug habit. We see Debbie, our main protagonist, entering a sports store (think JJB) and we are hit with immediate product placement for Adidas, the company what makes trainers and shoes. It is in this scene in which we begin to worry for the health of Bambi Woods (Debbie). She gives off a very intense stare, and has what I call, coke eyes.
Once again, we return to the showers to discuss jobs and life as a whole. It is this shower/locker room that becomes the hub of all activity for the movie and plays a vital role in linking both the story and the scenes. Exposition galore.
I was surprised although not shocked to see a series of communal showering scenes with naked men and ladies. I believe that the wardrobe department must have had the day off as there were no clothes to be found between any of them.
Despite the nipple slips and buttock showing, I personally enjoyed the upbeat musical score that played an integral part in this scene, accompanying the communal shower perfectly. However, it must be said that the actors playing these high school jocks, members of the football team and also tennis, were quite obviously played by men in their mid to late 30s. Mustaches galore. Mullets everywhere. Unshaven pubic hair, but little to no chest hair.
The theme of washing and water continued throughout the flick as we moved on to a home car wash scene which has been replicated in porns/pornos/kids flicks ever since. This scene involved not only the washing of a lovely Merc, but also wasted a lot of materials. Soap and water was thrown over people, mostly girls, which could lead to water contamination. Again, no bras. Wardrobe malfunction again. BLOOPER!
The narrative was that these young, supple and innocent cheerleaders were offering these nubile unshaven teen bodies to leery unshaven hard men for money. The whole community seemed very willing to partake in this game of prostitution and finances were discussed left right and centre, before, during and after sexual intercourse (shower scenes).
A point that I feel needs to be brought up is that these girls were playing almost freely with the law, which in our great country, I find objectionable. Despite these actors being over the age of 16, and thus legally able to S D's and F D's (all with their V's) repeatedly, it was mentioned several times that they were 16, which is illegal and wrong and immoral and un Christian.
Technological slip ups galore in this film, which I feel came from setting it in the 70s. It was quite obvious to me that these actors, writers and directors were very used to the interactive global communicative world we live in and thus made some very basic errors. Number 1, there was a telephone on a tennis court. How does that even, I don't even, what? Number 2, a lady who had previously stated she was babysitting that evening told a supple young gentleman to call her, despite not giving out any details whatsoever. Basic, but easy to spot.
Debbie, despite being the main protagonist of this film does little to no sexual activity until the very end of the movie. Instead she hangs about places, looking almost unable to stand up, and very very very coked up. She did in fact almost fall over several times in the film.
So, in conclusion, Debbie Does Dallas contains an unrealistic amount of nudity, an unrealistic amount of sex considering the age of these girls, a ham fisted and often confusing plot and not enough Doing Dallas four our liking. Considering how this film is often branded as being the greatest kids film of all time, we and I felt that this was an absolutely huge anti-climax, although at the end of the film, Mr Greenfeld does climax all over Debbie.
We would score this movie a total of 9.0/10.0 When asked if you would watch it again, we would say YES! Would watch again. I would say this is better than One Week (1920) but probably not as good as next weeks film.
One Week (1920)
Black and White. No dialogue. Violence.
This flick was surprisingly short at only 20 minutes, leading me to question how it ever got into cinemas? Don't they need at least an hour to I don't know, sell stuff like sweets and other films to you? Also, we felt that this film fell prey to the old problem of attempting to be too artsy. Artsy. Fartsy. That is what we say here. Not enough dialogue. No colour. Weird subtitles that aren't subtitles. I haven't got time for this. This is 2013, not 1920. Pathetic. The actors might have been good but they didn't say anything they were just victim to several acts of violence including being hit with wood. In addition, Handy Hank seemed very mean, and I do not see why he was cast. Completely and utterly unpleasant to watch, he nearly ruined the whole flick. It seemed as if he was trying to make the main characters day a misery. Booo. At one point, we nearly saw a boob and there was several scenes of kissing. Why there needed to be a milk splashing cumshot metaphor (bukkake) I will never know. In conclusion, baffling. Piano music was grand though. Great font work. P.S The actress woman in it, was STUNNING. A total would. Spicy hot elevating the score to a 9.0/10.0. Two thumbs up! GOLD!
Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)
Cockneys. Zombies. Gun violence.
It is nice to see a change of pace within British cinema, going for a newer approach with the zombie idea. I am still not totally sure what they are, but it is a pleasant change from all those god damn cockney only films that have been hitting the cinemas since probably 04. That being said, I think this movie gave out a lot of bad messages, most notably the casual crime that was committed throughout the film. There was vandalism, robbery and assault, which is not a message I want to be sending to my children, Alex and Jonah. I would propose that you rethink your marketing strategy and focus on a more suitable audience, potentially the zombies themselves. The script whilst at times humorous, sadly displays a basic lack of knowledge of the bus network. This fundamental lack of knowledge makes the film look ill advised and badly planned out. We all know that to purchase ticket you have to actually board the bus. Come on guys. We do not wish to be harsh, however it loses several marks. Probably 3. Specifically 3 thusly. Stereotypes. Blackie and Fatty. The black guy loved crime and was a little unhinged. And the fatty was moronic and at times outright clumsy. We were confused as to why these were placed in an action film. They seemed like liabilities. Totally and utterly, and we were not surprised to see Fatty and Blackie killed off so early on. Overall, this film was lacking in many areas, however the performance of Alan Ford was to be noted as solid. Out of 10 points we would probably give it 9.0, and would consider watching it again. Previously we reviewed the film A Thousand Words, and this was easily twice as good as that.
A Thousand Words (2012)
A Thousands Words, one of Murphys instant greats.
Eddie Murphy brings his acting chops in the latter half of the film, and the beginning bit where he can talk is also pretty spot on. There is lots of Starbucks tho, product placement or what? Sassy Eddie - classic!!!
In conclusion, 9.0/10.0.
P.S This film also had a lot of flaws including, but not limited too, it wasn't very entertaining, it didn't really work as a film, it had clunky script, barely any nudity and not enough explosions. But aside from this, it was a very competent and capable waste of 90 minutes.
P.P.S This film is better than Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.
Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)
Sunglasses wearing bad-ass babies.
Jon Voight's performance in this film was downright spellbinding. He brought what we in the industry call pizazz from the opening scene in this below average movie. His fights scene were a personal highlight of the movie for myself, however it must be said that when he originally fought Kahuna (superbaby) it was the latter that really shone through, and produced an Oscar/Emmy winning performance. Kahuna, despite obviously being a child, somehow managed to look like a midget stuntman throughout his fight scenes, which was a classy and well thought out touch. It must be mentioned that we appreciated, on a professional level, the Three Stooges reference and were pretty much blown away by the obscure Popeye reference to Popeye. Still on Kahuna, his superpowers were up there with other really good superheroes like Batman and/or Iron Man. His superpowers were as follows: fighting, glowing green, driving a small little persons car, pilot, floating on a bean bag, meditating and being about 5 or 6 forever. Oh and his dashing good looks and nursery charms. Do you know fans what was out of this world, and maybe any other world? The CGI and special effects thereof in this film. Amazingly the production team managed to make it look like the babies were actually saying these really funny one liners like "Can a brother get some water?" (We get that satire) As huge fans of computers, we really enjoyed the babies frequent use of the MSN Kids operating system, and would like to petition for its return to all new computers from this point onwards. Loved the cameo of the Whoopster Whoopi Goldberg. It was like she wasn't there and was actually at home the whole time, but we obviously know she wasn't. Ha. However, it must be said that the blistering appearance of the Grammy winning superstar making Florida band O-Town was something to behold for generations past and present. Those guys brought it, and we loved it. Loved it. In conclusion, this film was below average. That guy from Diagnosis Murder wasn't very good. The plot was a bit weird. The pacing was off, and almost strange. So, we have had to dock several points accordingly. As a result, we have been forced to give it a 9.0 out of 10.0. Two thumbs up. Would definitely watch it again, without such high expectations. GOLD. Better than Battle Royale.
Batoru rowaiaru (2000)
Japanese Black and White Rom
We were asked to review this film for our show, and took it upon ourselves to do so with great gusto. Our conclusion? Sub par (not great) Aki Maeda, a personal friend of mine from our time at Hosei University, was without doubt, the highlight of this film for me. For such an inexperienced actor, she really shone through, although with this cast of obvious children (whats that about?!) that wasn't hard. In addition to this, we feel it necessary to mark it down for its release date (14th September) as this is the day after my close personal friends Mr Po Bear's birthday. Why they would choose to dampen the birthday celebrations with such a violent and gratuitous film I have no idea. Continuing on, we were shocked to find that none of the cast chose to speak English throughout production, and I have no idea how this would or could have passed through the BBFC's very strict policies about this I would assume. In place of English, we were given subtitles, which are made for the deaf. To assume that we are deaf is disgusting and downright offensive. I am shocked at this film, shocked at the content of this film and shocked that this film continues to receive such high praise. As an after thought, here are two other points, 1) They quite blatantly stole from the Hunger Games and presumably The Matrix and point b) this was film on a movie set, which implies this was not filmed for real, thus also implying dishonesty and fakery. In conclusion, 2 thumbs up, not quite 10/10, but close. Would probably watch it again, but without such high hopes.
Meet the Santas (2005)
Fantastic fun for all the family, and probably your friends too.
Lets get one thing straight, I LOVE Steve "The Gute" Guttenburg. The man is an acting colossus. However, even I, arguably his biggest fan in the England and Wales area, was not prepared for the sheer acting clinic that he put on in this film. From start to finish, this was the Guttenburg show. He owned the screen in every shot, from his authentic Christmas laugh to his down to Earth smile. Whilst the other actors in this film portrayed their roles heroically, they looked like amateurs in comparison to Mr Guttenburg. One actor I would like to single out for some slight criticism is Dominic Scott Kay, who played Jake. His performance made me want to eat my own eyes out, and if I ever meet him in person I would have no hesitation in punching him square in the throat for nearly ruining an instant Guttenburg classic. Judging by his performance he has obviously not been acting for long, which would make me question the casting agents decision to hire him for such a prestigious role. If I were the casting agent, I would have personally hired Kiefer Sutherland for the role of Jake, as he has already cut his acting chops, and established a screen and radio presence. To conclude, this Christmas classic is already a must watch in my household and I imagine that come Oscar season it will be rolling in Academy Awards and praise. The emotionally moving ending will have you bauble-ing and reindeer-ing tears from all angles. Simply put: PERFECT. Apart from Jake who was really bad.