Change Your Image
burninblazes
Reviews
Birdy (1984)
I believe I can fly...
Imagine a movie where one of the main characters is highly annoying and inscrutable, and the other main character is average, boring and yet also inscrutable. Now imagine they're best friends even though the annoying one doesn't really seem to give a damn and the average one has no understandable reason for his apparent deep love for the annoying one. Throw in some facial bandages on Nic Cage (I guess they want to take his face off) and random scenes of animal abuse, you and you have Birdy. This movie is mostly charmless and pointless. Even the score, which was composed by Peter Gabriel, sounds like some rinker dink low talent crap. This score suits the movie, it's lame and unmemorable. I guess the music did sometimes bring a heightened tension to things; even though nothing would actually happened in a scene, the thudding drum beats still quickened my heart rate a little.
I don't have many good things to say about Birdy. It was slightly interesting at points. Nic Cage did a fairly good job of delivering a relatively normal character, but the story gave the character so little motive or meaning. The ending could have been worse /Spoilers/ I actually liked that Birdy didn't "fly" to his death, even though that would have been a rather fitting way to end the character, it would have been depressing and just made the movie seem like an even bigger waste of time. /End Spoilers/
Mainly this movie annoyed and bored me. I was unable to relate to much of anything. Certain animal scenes disturbed and troubled me. I don't feel there is much point to this movie.
So unless you just like watching an obsessed birder get freaky or you just really want to see Nicolas Cage play what may be his most restrained role, I recommend you skip Birdy.
The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Essentially lame and unmemorable (Big spoilers)
The Simpsons TV show lost its way a long time ago. There were many factors, but one big thing is that the show lost a lot of complexity and depth to the parodies, and just became too blatant, lazy and shallow. The complexity wasn't just about making it a multi-leveled joke, it was about parodying real lives, pain and woes and just circumstances that many of us could relate to. At some point that went out the window. I had little hope that this movie would be a real change of pace, and honestly it was about what I expected it to be in terms of quality. It was mildly entertaining, it couldn't compare to the classic episodes, and it didn't have much point for existing. I had a slight hope that there would be a better plot or something that gave the movie a purpose, but nope, it was pretty basically an extended episode. Towards the beginiing of the movie Homer tells us we're dopes for watching, and Homeboy is right.
Things that sucked about this picture:
1. Homer is still too stupid. Remember in the old days, there was a balance of "normal" and "extra stupid" with Homer. Now it's just "one really, really stupid guy who sometimes acts/speaks as if he loves his family, although you never actually feel that love when watching"
2. No true emotion. The old Simpsons episodes could actually be touching at the same time as they were hilarious, which was part of the genius. Now, they can write it in that this character loves that character, but where is the emotion? They don't manage to capture that feeling and convey it to the audience, perhaps because it is so shallow.
3. Spider-Pig. WHAT THE HELL. When I saw this in the previews and I heard that this was something that was popular in the movie, I was confused because it looked incredibly stupid and lame. But I thought, maybe, just maybe, there was something else to it that made it funny in the movie. No, no, no, there wasn't, and the pig all together was a pointless inclusion. If they had to go with the "Homer destroys the lake" thing, couldn't it have something to do with the power plant? Or does he not work there anymore? Why the stupid pig?
4. Pointless characters. The little Irish boy. Who? What? Why? Green Day... I don't even think that was Billy Joe's voice, it sounded like a woman. And the EPA dude, well, I guess he had a point, but wouldn't the movie have been cooler if it was all some grand scheme from Side Show Bob, or the space aliens, or the staff at the kids' school, or something grounded in the Simpsons' lives? If they had to bring in a new villain, couldn't they have made him a bit more entertaining?
5. EVERYBODY in town except Flanders and the Irish boy want to kill the Simpsons. I dunno, it just bothered me to see Otto trying to kill the kids. At least limit it to Homer, the other Simpsons didn't do anything!
6. Why was the sandbox a transporter? No explanation? OK....
7. Bart wasn't badass enough. If Homer had made the ridiculous dare to him to go skateboard nude in the old days, Bart would have found a way to trick Homer so Homer was the one doing the skateboarding naked. Then the buddying up with Flanders... I just never quite bought it. Bart knows Flanders. Flanders is not a mystery to Bart. Why does a kid like Bart suddenly feel so compelled to experience the fatherly wonder of his dorky neighbor?
8. The "Marge doesn't know if she loves Homer because Homer is such a jerk - nope, she loves him" thing has been done to death.
9. Groundskeeper Willy... did I miss it, or was there not one peep out of him during his appearances?
10. Where was the cat?
11. Last, but definitely not least, it JUST WASN'T VERY FUNNY. I wouldn't go so far as to say that it was wretchedly unfunny, but it was just "ok". This was nowhere near hilarious. It was mildly amusing. There were two times I remember laughing, 1. when Homer first touches the electrified fish (it got old after that), and 2. when Homer first goes up to the silo labeled "pig crap" (look, I was grasping at straws here). I did like the Tom Hanks thing. Edited to add, the "Grand Theft Walrus" part made me laugh. Not so much the game but the title. Wait, is that supposed to be a joke about Alaska? Oh...
I don't know if the Simpsons ever had much need for a movie, but if this movie had been made in the series prime, many moons back, I'm sure the creative force that was propelling the show could have given us a great movie. Or they could have done a live-action movie, which although it could have been absolutely horrible, just may have been executed in such a way as to be interesting and enjoyable. Whatever the case, this is what we got, and they can take it back.
If you want to know the glory of The Simpsons just forget that they still produce cartoons (and movies) under that name, and go back to the early years. I'll take the crudely drawn but very creative stuff over this shiny, uninspired crap.
Child's Play (1988)
If you like hilarious bad horror movies, this is a winner
Child's Play has become one of my favorite bad movies. But I don't find the idea of a foul mouthed, deranged Cabbage Patch Kid as a villain to be very effective. Especially when he used to be a regular guy (well, OK, a strangler), and now he's stuck in child's doll and more p.o.'d than ever.
Andy Barclay is an adorable, lisping little boy insanely obsessed with his favorite TV characters, the "Good Guys". When he finds out that Good Guys are actually on the market as talking dolls, he wants nothing more than for his mother, Karen, to get him one. Unfortunately for Andy, mom is poor and can't afford the hundred bucks for the doll. But before long, she's buying one for a lower price from a peddler in an alley. Unfortunately for both she and Andy, the doll was possessed by Charles Lee Ray, or "Chucky" as his friends call him, a serial killer.
Andy is ecstatic with his new best buddy. Chucky begins spouting off to him right away, revealing himself to be alive (though we don't actually hear from him at this point), but of course no one buys Andy's comments that the doll has a mind of its own. Then, the killing begins. Actually, Chucky only manages to take out two people before Andy is blamed for the deaths and locked up in a weird mental home. Soon after, Karen finally finds out the truth about Chucky, as Chucky flies into a rage and attacks her for messing with him.
Karen goes off trying to get a cop to believe her, and Chucky goes off to talk with his voodoo guru, some guy who looks like Bill Cosby and who taught Chucky "how to beat death". Voodoo guy is outraged at the "abomination" before him, but Chucky finally gets it out of him that to become human again, Chucky must transfer his soul into Andy.
A little while later, it's the final showdown. This movie is loopy as hell from the start, but the final showdown is hilarious. At least, it is if you don't buy killer Cabbage Patch Kids as frightening foes. If you do buy it, then the humor of seeing one of them fly backwards through the air in slow mo after getting shot, or suddenly scrunching up his face in a fit of fury and charging forward to attack someone might be lost on you. But how anyone could miss the plain campy, cheesy *badness* of this goofball horror movie is beyond me (Count how many seconds Chucky screams "Ayiyiyiyiyiyiyi!!" for no reason at one point). The creators surely didn't miss it. No one can convince me that this movie isn't tongue in cheek. If you watch it as a comedy, like I do, you may find yourself quite entertained.
Communion (1989)
Bizarre
This is a very bizarre little movie in every way. I can't say it's particularly good or that scary, and it's rather boring in some parts. But, just for it's strangeness it's somewhat interesting. I read the book, and this movie is different in some ways (I don't remember any blue guys in the book, for example), which is odd because Strieber wrote the screenplay. But I think Strieber is probably full of crap, anyway. He's being "abducted" straight to the bank. He keeps "remembering" new wacked things every couple of years so he can put out a new book. The book, incidentally, is even crazier than the movie.
Anyway, watching these characters is like watching psychotic lunatics you don't know. Are they dangerous? What should you expect? What the hell are they going to do next? As for the aliens, they don't make that many appearances and when they do, the scenes are more bizarre-o than scary. Although the blue guys at the end did freak me out when they shot their hands out and freaky music played, but it was disturbing and irritating.
I don't recommend this film if you're looking for something scary, but if you're into UFO stuff you might want to have a look at it.