Change Your Image
Upload An Image
Crop And Save
Haunted House (2004)
A Fall infusion of crap and lame.
This movie was the gayzor. It made me choke on stuff. I do know it was a student film, but it couldn't be any worse than if my cat directed it. The movie started off with a frat house with some awesome song playing. It kept switching from that scene over to some toy train coming close to the camera. It was quite absurd. Then it went to some stupid guys going to some house and they thought it was scary. This loser had to go into it to be accepted into their frat for asshole lickers. After the story, it went over to some crappy camera into this house of some losers and stuff was talked about. There was a director with 4 normal people who were supposed to be in a house that wasn't scary. Since it was a movie, the movie people wanted them to not know about the scary stuff so they would get quality acting. Then a guy and a girl went into the house as one guy and girl stayed outside with their horrible ad libbing skills. The movie crew found out that some scary stuff wasn't due to them and they ran away because a friend of theirs got cold. Then the guy who was outside went into the house and stayed in there for a while with some old man. Then they left. And for some reason after they all left the house, they all started dying for no reason whatsoever. The only parts that stood out was some guy saying "Be up in a minute!" and the night vision wind camera. I hate this movie and everyone who was in it. The only redeeming factor was the song called "Climbing up the stairs".
Alone in the Dark (2005)
I work at Kohls.
I've never played "Alone in the Dark." Quite frankly, I don't want to. I know the movie only took the character and the rocks from the video game, but no. To start off how utterly BORING this movie was, the plot was brought to us by some person reading something. They read the most uneventful story I've ever heard. All I remember is some proverb number(like 227 or something) and it's a government thing. Next thing I remember, was that I saw Christian Slayter with his elite trench coat. He was such a bad ass, his hair was scared to grow. He said something lame to a taxi driver and some guy got mad behind them and started to chase him. I think Slayter got him mad by looking for a rock. Then they fought or so it seemed. The camera was so awkward. I couldn't tell what the hell was going on. Then Tara Reid was a scientist. With the impossible happening, she then had sex with Slayter for some reason. They had made no prior connections or made it fairly obvious they were an item. She even slapped him in the face, so the random sex scene was a wtf moment indeed. Then some guys were shooting at monsters, more rocks had more important roles, and some guy blew stuff up. Slayter and Reid came out of a basement type door, which lead outside to a foster home. He found a dead nun and cried about it for some time. They later went to the city and found it completely abandoned. Finally, a camera zoomed into their faces and made it seem as if something were to have wanted to get near them and cause shock and surprise. See, the film gave me no explanations whatsoever throughout the entire thing. So, pretty much what I wrote in my review is exactly how I viewed the entire movie. To sum it all up, the movie was an uneventful, boring piece of poopie-crap, asshole mouthful that fails to give Uwe Boll any cool points. This movie wasn't the worst movie I'd ever seen, yet I'd rather watch an old 70's flicks which has to do with witchcraft, incest, and crotches.....lol.
Demons at the Door (2004)
First there was man. Then came Demons at the Door.
I'm going to be pretty honest here; this movie was nothing I've ever experienced in my entire life. I had to figure out if this movie was a joke or not. After I watched the movie, I went out on a quest to seek the meaning of life. After I had won the lottery, I took a plane out to Arizona and hired 2 marines and 3 scientists. The marines were hired to protect my scientists while they went to excavate some rock hole which surprisingly led to Hell itself! An angel came out to warn us of the dangers that we were going to face. Soon, the demons came out and attacked us in random spots and released unnecessary amounts of green slime. A horny demon attacked my female scientist and required her to have sex with him. Another attacked my black marine and made racist comments to him. Finally, the big one came and sought to destroy us. While we planned on how to destroy him, he stood there like an idiot. We blew him away and something happened that made my greasy marine go into the hole and block it off from the rest of humanity. He later encountered a dog, which claimed it was the devil. He sent his fat queen to destroy the marine by releasing the weapon of mass destruction. She kept farting in his face and he finally broke free of her stenches and killed the monster. Then he tossed something in the dogs mouth and the dog exploded and now the marine is the new King of Hell. Turns out my adventure was a waste of time and I spontaneously blew up due to the mass amount of faggotness and retardation that I had encountered. Before I died, Roy Knyrim walked over to me and offered his help. I refused. He then went on to tell me "If I save you, I'll invite you to my pre screening of my latest movie "Night Skies"!" That's when my special meter went off the scale and I did my finishing move on him then gave him a teabag he would never forget. Then I cumed onto his face for about 5 minutes and I went on to destroy his existence by going back in time and killing off everyone in his family so that I would never have to watch another one of his movies again.
An Ill-Tempered Scarecrow Finding Humor in Murder. LOL!
Let's face it; some lame kid who dies and has his soul transfered into a scarecrow. Das no gonna happen neva! OMFG This stupid loser kid who can't stand up for himself gets his ass handed to him by some drunk bastard screwing his mom. Right as he dies, he looks up at the scarecrow and he let's his spirit go into the scarecrow. The drunk guy covered up his death by making it seem suicidal and thought he had gotten away with it. We later see he is tossed out of the trailer and later earns another encounter with the scarecrow. They had a brief encounter which includes the drunk calling him a loser and the scarecrow rebounding with "Takes one to know one, loser!" The scarecrow flips off the building, calls him "daddy-o", and then beheads the poor man. We can see how this awesome movie unfolds from that. He goes on to kill many people, afterward. He mainly kills the people who gave him a hard time in rl and goes off to kill some random ass people, just for some laughs. No laughing here. He adds a punchline to every kill, too. Every time he killed someone, he would do some karate flips and finish it all off with one of his signature punchlines. In the case of someone who was hard of hearing, he would say "Here, have an EAR of corn!" then shove it up their ass. OR we can actually take an example from the movie! He just got done killing a cop and was on his way to killing the only person who ever stood up for him. Her father, the sheriff, yelled to the madman to stop, and he said "Hey, stay awhile!" and threw a dagger threw his chest and stuck him onto some tree. In the end of the movie, he killed two guys and threw in the punchline "Gotta split!" and killed two guys by shoving a scythe into their heads. Wowzors, this movie made me want to cream my pants so bad. Maybe next time this guy makes a movie, it won't be gay.
Evil's City (2005)
Evil's City.....more like Horrible Movie's City.
Welcome to Evil's City, where the population isn't in fact 4,320; it's 0! Yes, I said it. This film was horrible. It was an indecent, cheaply made satire of how a scary movie is supposed to be. I found the film quite absurd that it was made very poorly. The movie was created using Microsoft Movie Maker and Power Point. I could edit a picture better than Tom Lewis can name a movie. Before I continue to describe my fetish for "enjoying" this putrid pile of garbage, let me break it down to you in every category.
The acting in this movie was about as stale as the bread slice lodged down my throat. I also found the actors choking on their lines more than I was choking on that slice of bread. Before I was able to die of complete and utter disappointment, I managed to realize that the actors kept a smile :) on their faces throughout the entire movie. I felt this film was more of a comedy, rather than a horror film! Oh, excuse my comedic ways. That bread must be making me grow a sense of wit and absurdity!
*spoilers or w/e get a life. I'm not ruining anything you won't see it anyway.*
The plot for the movie was simple: Nosey kids getting into trouble. If I were these kids, I'd have stayed living in my parents house until I reached the humble age of 30 (I'm 34 currently and unemployed, lol) and grow a beard on my own. Instead of being good mannered children, they go around accusing people of lying, starting fights with homeless people, stealing chicken from someone's house, breaking into the houses to steal the food, and causing someone to remember they died. Not to mention, they stole some Aussie's key chain. Later in the movie, they encountered a crazy man with half a head. He then explains the whole situation. I didn't follow it because I was too busy scratching the mole on the side of my neck. The only bit of excitement came when some crazy girl was going to dig into this guy's pants. Too bad my mole gave me more excitement.
*no mo spoilin stuff.*
The movie had special effects as good as this movie wasn't a horror film. I felt as if I was playing a Sega CD game. I suppose a poor man makes a poor movie! Oh dear, I'm killing myself. But seriously, to put it in a nutshell, the special effects were as lame as Casey Sharpe.
The suspense in the movie was good, though. I found myself clinging to the edge of my seat when the movie was over. I was actually thinking there would be more. The movie ended abruptly and so is this review.