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jpgonc

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24 reviews in total 
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11 out of 23 people found the following review useful:
Just pointless garbage - IMDb's rating very abnormal!, 9 October 2013
1/10

They had paid 16.000 people to vote 10 on this idiotic movie... it can't be possible that there's 16.000 movie-goers acclaiming this egocentric and unfunny piece of crap as a TOP10 voting...

Let's start to try to save the ill-advised ones: The story goes well before the scene where Hell goes loose on Earth... but after that it all goes off downward as we start to see just rubbish monologues, dialogs, poor character interaction, self-indulgent actors and an unrealistic and beyond frustrating reality and self-absorbed mental apparatus...

I was, as many reviewers here, fooled by the rating of IMDb presenting a 7.5!!!! I felt utterly stupid because I didn't read all the other comments already written as I usually do, and those opinions, unfortunately, showed an otherwise picture... and an awful one i'm afraid.

If this is comedy, I rather see once again Titanic and laugh out at brilliant DiCaprio's jokes and nastiness on-board the ship... yes, they're better than this supposedly comedy movie.

Avoid this film if you want to remain mentally fit and spare your money. I would instead give my $6 dollars to a homeless man rather to this ever-growing disappointing Lions Gate Company.

Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg... no more for me!

Suddenly (2013)
58 out of 98 people found the following review useful:
Majestic fecal matter of a movie, 29 August 2013
1/10

I never saw Lewis Allen's "Suddenly" (1954), but I guess I just don't need, because I know a priori that it is an Oscar-winning film comparing to this atrocious remake made by an unskilled, dull and inept director that, besides being labeled as a movie-killer by making abominable, heretic and unintelligible movies, still get millions to produce plain pointless excrement.

Nevertheless, I swallowed an aspirin and, maybe taken a bit away to the fact Boll's last movie drew some fair critics, I finally had the courage to assist a movie made by this European quarreling psyche. Unfortunately my expectations weren't wrong at all: It was like to have an urge to commit suicide or to mutilate myself for being an utterly idiot.

Boll's cinematic masterpieces, according to him, 'Alone in the Dark', 'House of the Dead' and 'Far Cry' are all, cemented by virtually 90% of critics and spectators, a collection of rambling-disjointed narratives of absurdity, execrable directing, vile and poorly written scripts and an unbelievable populist egocentric paranoia product of a tormented mind.

This movie, for which it was presented with established actors, fails miserably in achieving something other than a mind-blowing overly median hogwash.

I really must go out and buy the original movie to make a sincere topic comparison and eventually assert righteously that Uwe Boll must pay in prison terms for brain damage to the public and serious technical incompetence. Even with Liotta and Purcell on the screen the movie drags on into a worn out monosyllabic clichéd and putrid dialog.

The story of 3 assassins posing as secret agents who find an excellent sniper spot (a house) to murder the US president is tantalizing enough to draw a good script, but with Uwe Boll, that's not the case: For Boll it seems the only person to sense something about the fake agents is an alcoholic, self-neglecting and psychically affected and sacked ex-marine who can't cope with his friend death years and years ago. Brilliant!

I really think there's not much more to say unless citing all the mumbo-jumbo and mediocrity that abounds in this Boll's vision of a film. Ultimately, dare me to advise you to spare your limited lifetime and patience and skip this for real - You won't regret, I CAN assure 100%.

PS-> Another priceless story is how I ended up seeing this "piece of art". - But please don't ask me to, I cannot tell, Boll can lawfully sue me or else invite me for a matching box until K.O.

The Iceman (2012)
Kuklinski's fiasco on film print, 28 August 2013
5/10

Casted with a cream of talented actors, for which sincerely everyone gave their best, the movie actually stomped hard in a script and direction crisis that failed miserably to show interest in the protagonist.

The film obviously suffers from the absence of anyone to care about because it was shot-like as a documentary - a brief and massively incomplete narrative about the life of this mafia's cold-ruthless hit-man. The director may have well in mind the "based on a true story" concept rather than going into the true Richard Kuklinski's biography idea, but the progress of the film was too expeditious and sometimes obnoxiously recurrent while dealing his countless impulse murders or contract killings.

But the biggest failure in the plot line was the weak portrayal and developing line between Kuklinsky's underground life and the social relationship into his family life - Hardly toned and underplayed.

Even with these serious imperfections the movie still delivers strong punches in the stomach with brilliant performances, atmospheric scores and good photography. In short, it's a demonic experience into the life of a conscienceless man that balance into bloody mayhem and the ingenious caring and love-bound knit to his family. But society often forgets that psychopaths are also pathological liars and misleading dramatis personae.

An huge mediocre thing wasted on film print., 27 August 2013
1/10

The Forest of the Damned can be classified as this: More than terrible concerning the acting, the script, the shooting, the direction....well, everything this useless thing can spit out into your eyes. Stupid lines, stupid story, unbelievable disgusting pace and cheap nudity. That's how you make a abhorrent movie! If you see Forest of the "Nausea" let me remind you will never be the same again. My brain just couldn't cope with the utter trash vomited by this carnival of fecal matter...

I just can't believe there's people out there that liked this crap... no sense, more than horrible/painful performance and a terrifying will to shout "I want my money back and the head of this inept director!" And, please, IMDb administrators, let people give 0 rating to films that shouldn't be produced. I gave 1 star cause it's the lowest grade here, but sincerely this Forest deserved, not 0, but below 0!

Transit (2012/I)
4 out of 7 people found the following review useful:
Weak as a candlestick but unyielding, 30 January 2012
4/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Although the script is somewhat original, the whole story is a portrait of an exhausted ever seen scenes in other movies. The cast is quite good and the pace satisfactory but as you progress in the story you start to realize this is just another movie packed with a common story with guns, speedy cars, violence and sort of expected ending. I got the impression that the neat family was rather more tough and resourceful than the bad guys. Cavaziel plays a real-estate fraud convict father on parole who plans a trip in the field to compensate and promote positively the family bounds which clearly was disintegrating. The whole family will frustrate the bad guys' plan in retrieving their stolen bounty from them. I don't remember if Cavaziel's wife in the film was a ex-CIA or ex-FBI or something, but what it looks like a pretty and normal woman, she unexpectedly manages to escape of a motel room within millimeters from the bad guys' grasping hands and later in the movie we'll see her holding and fully operate an old Kalashnikov that would make Rambo blush big time. The flick was kind of normal to assist but it didn't exposed nothing out of the ordinary - just a plain storyline full of clichés and reiteration of what was already accomplished in a thousand movies yet produced.

Broken (2006/III)
18 out of 29 people found the following review useful:
Broken is what you get if you don't join the family!, 19 March 2007
6/10

I am gonna skip the synopsis and run to the review itself.

This low budgeted B-Movie is a good surprise. This British independent film has a small cast (3 actors only), very little dialog and set almost entirely in the woods. It hardly sounds like this thing can pull us up for anything good but Simon Boyes and Adam Mason have created a gory, shocking, intelligent and modern thriller.

Broken is somehow paced, I mean, could be a little bit slow for some people out there already hypnotized on clichéd/biased Hollywood horror crap, but let me tell you, this thing will throw suspense and confusion every time you think you know what's going to happen next...

Nadja Brand (Oh! What a gorgeous and sexy woman!), is absolutely fantastic while making her character very realistic and credible.

Eric Colvin is magnificent according to his character on script.

Abbey Stirling is a young actress and did a mediocre job for her first appearance. Who's to blame?

Summing all and concluding, the cinematography makes the film look a lot more expensive for a 9000 Euro cost. The editing is professional, the script good and the directing is quite an accomplishment comparing to other British indie movies of such grandness like Dog Soldiers, Cradle of Fear, Dead Meat and even Boy Eats Girl.

So, we or you will think: If it's so damn good why it's not being distributed in international theaters? Well... because it's too grim and too violent for the regular viewers... but not for me.

I bet on Broken... do you?

15 out of 18 people found the following review useful:
LMAO at this horrible movie!, 30 December 2006
1/10

Cemetery Gates can't be seen like a real movie. You must be drunk or doped so that you could not laugh about it. Terrible acting and lousy editing complements with a stupid story, dumb teens, dumb persons but with a good FX. Gore abounds and sometimes is really cheesy, other pretty good. Nevetherless you can't take this movie in consideration and the best way to see it is to make fun of it and to spit up a good dose of laughs... nothing more. The acting is beyond mediocre, the dialog is abominable and the only positive thing is the creature itself... even then you'll notice how bad screened it is sometimes.

You must see this low budget movie in a humorous manner and you must strip yourself off reality and stupidity. Actually it's better you see it with your friends if you want to have a good and freaky animated afternoon attended by a big pack of beers and kilograms of weed...

This movie really sucked and the money spent on it could have been injected into a charity center for homeless people or an orphanage...

9 out of 16 people found the following review useful:
You'd probably have other things to do instead of seeing this, 18 October 2006
2/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Bloody hell! This is another flick straight to video and luckily, thrown up to the garbage bin soon thereafter.

Story: A useless, headless, stupid and moronic guy have the idea to mask himself of a Jack-o-Lantern armed with a rubber knife and decides to go on a prank upon his girlfriend. He does this so well that the girlfriend starts to feel threatened and screams like a mad cow for help. His brother comes to her aid and kills the idiot not knowing the error. One year later they go to a new town (Karver) to start a new life. He then start to have hallucinations and visions of his sister' boyfriend masked as a Halloween prick (It looks like Darth Maul, really). Then they go to a Halloween party and then something starts to kill all the stupid dumb teens that abound everywhere partying nonsenses.

Review: Pumpkin Karver brings boredom and clichés in every frame. Nothing new but to stack the shelves with low-budget flicks in hopes of cashing in on the holiday. The story is unoriginal, unmotivated and it's like a dull evening with uninteresting people. There's some twists in this that don't really make any sense and the real killings doesn't begin until an hour into the movie... And when the killings start you begin to watch strawberry jam all over you instead of thick blood. So, as you should know, cheap slasher films are always this: Low-budget ripoffs with no solid arguments, ideas and unsustainable story lines.

Advice: Feel free to see it and take your own judgment but if you're an experienced and avid horror fan you'll be much more than disappointed and then... then it'll be too late for you... time spent, money spent.

The Breed (2006)
26 out of 34 people found the following review useful:
Intelligent teens vs intelligent dogs makes it above the normal, 18 September 2006
7/10

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Surprise is the word! After seeing the plot outlined here I thought this was another movie with a bunch of silly teens getting killed one by one by supernatural dogs. Instead, I watched a very enjoyable, solid and realistic thrilling and Sci-Fi film.

Five middle class teenagers fly to an uncle's private island for a party weekend. What it seemed a good time spent it turned to be a terrible situation when a big group of (intelligent) killer dogs start to "plan" the teens' capture and death.

The action starts at the beginning and then will start again at the middle of the movie. From then is always packed with some suspense and chases but everything very well shot and capable of arousing and holding the attention of the viewers. The movie's many attack sequences are really the best of it. The 10 to 15 dogs, (very well trained) are, undoubtedly, the 'cherry on top' of the movie. They really act normal off course and we can assist to their natural greatness of dreadful attacks.

The human cast actually does a good and decent job even if their characters are stereotypical due to flaws in the script lines. There's some moments when they drop to mediocre acting but that's because they following the script contradicting some of the action... but that's minor spots, no big deal and doesn't affect the admirable outcome of the movie.

I think I saw a reviewer here asking where the dogs came from... Near the end that's very explicit. I saw another showing his disappointment because the dogs were 'normal and not scary'. Don't expect genetically altered beasts with red eyes and acting like werewolves... no. The dogs were genetically altered at brain level, and that's why they're smarter than normal.

Nicholas Mastandrea does a splendid job directing it but he should have asked Screenwriter's Robert Conte and Peter M. Wortmann to put some original and not clichéd lines in the teens' dialog.

Great cinematography for a good weekend.

29 out of 53 people found the following review useful:
Blood Trails sucks to the point of exhaustion, 8 September 2006
1/10

Blood Trails is nothing but a bunch of other things seen in other flicks. An enigmatic lunatic chases his victim thru a forest killing her date and whoever appears in the way. The end is completely unoriginal as expected for a thing that made rip-offs of other horror stories of this kind.

Mediocre acting, clichéd screenplay, flashes, gore and stupidity all around it...

The movie got me really tired and I've tortured myself seeing it till the end. There's bad movies out there and Blood Trails is one of them. Finito.

I don't have anything more to say, but let me tell you this: You will be more satisfied seeing "Love Boat" or Walt Disney's Donald Duck & Uncle Scrooge adventures... believe me.


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