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Mighty Morphin Power Rangers (1993)
Go Go Power Ranger...Go Away
Don't let the sense of "nostalgia" cloud your judgement, this show sucks. It sucked when it premiered in 1993 and each progressing season gets worse and worse. Even worse than the Ninja Turtles (at least they have personality.) This has got to be the cheapest fad ever. Luckily anime (well, most of it) would show the US that not every show from Japan is shamelessly thrown together. Terrible kids show.
The effects were awful and cheesy, even through the eyes of a 10 year-old kid. The kids had NO personality whatsoever. Just one slight stereotypical trait. The karate moves looked as fake as something strapped to Pamela Anderson's chest.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
This time it's personal!
It's personal because I hate this audience-insulting movie. This has got to be the stupidest horror flick of all times. The ending (all of them) alone would be enough to justify this film's place on the bottom 100 list. I mean the premise (shark is after the Brody family for revenge. It chases (and beats) the Brody's to Jamaica to harrass them and snack on a few extras).
The effects went WAY downhill for this one. The shark on the Universial Studios tram tour is more convincing then this duct-taped-at-the-seams roboshark. The acting is atrocious (especially Mario Van Peeble and his grating "hey mon" accent)
So where's Dyna-girl?
Shannon Tweed should really stick to soft-core erotica, because this "superpowered" film isn't that good. The premise alone is icky: Shannon plays Electra, woman trying to seduce her own stepson so she can get her incestuous hands on some type of super-hero formula that was injected into him. Ew! Meanwhile some paraplegic businessman named Mr. Roach (the lamest villain EVER!) wants the formula too. So eventually Roach becomes taken with Electra and HER magical abilities (the superhuman ability of being a slut) and teams up to take down Joe, the stepson and his cute but sensible girlfriend. The sad part is that despite lamely choreographed fights straight out of "The Six Million Dollar Man", obvious special effects, and a tacky subject matter, it's STILL a better film then Superman 4 or Batman & Robin. Barely. So fans of both DTV action films and fans of Shannon Tweed's rack will get some guilty thrills out of this poorly done, yet entertaining fare.
The Lonely Lady (1983)
More like "f***** her way to the bottom..."
Wow! Only a movie this ludicrously awful could inspire the similar "Showgirls." I mean where to begin? The indescibably horrid theme song? Pia Zadora's non-expressions throughout the movie? The fact that despite being set in Los Angeles, aka "land of the casting couch" EVERY single man (and woman!) is fawning all over themselves to sleep with Pia Zadora, by any contrived means necessary? Or what about the fact that every person in the movie is totally unsympathetic because they're either mind-numbingly stupid (Pia) or obvious despicable sleazeball (everyone else)? And given that this flick was written by actual "screenwriters (sorta), it shows a shocking lack of understanding of the movie-making industry (who the Hell would admire and kiss up to a SCREENWRITER?)
But it's (unintentionally) funny as hell though. The "breakdown" scene alone will have you giggling, and after seeing the climatic "I'm not the only one who had to **** her way to the top" scene at the "Awards" (all done in the usual bargain-basement acting level we expect from such quality thespians as Pia), I sincerely hope that our dear Pia actually reused that speech when she "won" her Golden Globe. It's fitting and that would totally make my day.
Anyway, if you're a fan of bad, tashy camp, give this otherwise tacky movie a try.
It will take your break away...from laughter!
Dumb, dumb, snake flick, where the only think more reptilian than the badly CGI-ed snake (It looked like a cut&paste from Anaconda: the Playstation Game) is Jon Voight, giving a performance so hammy, you'd expect "Hormmel" to be tattooed on him. The rest of the cast sleepwalks through their role (literally, in Eric Stolz case. Although that ends up being aborted subplot #156 in this movie so never mind.) J-Lo, Owen Wilson, and Kari Wuhehr all end up giving their standard poorly acted performance, while Ice Cube plays himself (the "hip brotha" once again. TONS of goofs and inconsistencies for "spot the mistake" fans (But imagine how tourism would increase in the Amazon Rain Forrest in people knew it contained a waterfall that could somehow go up) And don't forget about the scene where Jon Voight gives the phrase "winking at the audience" a whole new meaning. That just some of the terrible directing and corny dialogue contained in this silly snake movie.
Oh yeah, there are scenes where the fakey-looking snake vomits it's dinner back. After seeing this crap, I'd felt like doing the same too. 1 star out of 10.