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I am also someone who hopes to direct a real film one day (and hopefully make a career out of it) and I have started editing tributes on youtube...its not much but its SOME sort of a start, right? Besides that, I am taught at school the rest. One of my many idols for "art films" is Werner Herzog. Even his "boring" or "silly" films are great.
I have an opinion that I will voice but I AM respectful of other peoples opinions because I have changed mine on a number of occasions.
I also want to point out that even the lowest actor on this list holds some weight as a good Doctor and almost all the time, when they're bad, its more due to bad writing and not the actor himself. Oh and normally I write in every single Actor's listing but in this case, I won't for the main reason of some of them are just really good in the role and I like their personality. The only time I'll say anything is if I feel the need to (either really good or really bad)
Doctor Who (1996)
Overall, I'm kind of torn.
How do I explain this? I really love Doctor Who. I practically dived into the Classic show, then the New show and I have a formed opinion of literally every single Doctor (my favourite is Patrick Troughton) and the idea to "Americanise Doctor Who" for a TV remake...isn't that bad. I know its a strictly British show but what you have is an alien who goes to anywhere at anytime he wants and helps people, that isn't exactly the most uniquely British idea I've ever heard so the idea to Americanise it could've worked if they had the right strings pulling behind it and the answer is...they didn't.
I'll start with my compliments...PAUL McGANN! Oh my God what a wasted opportunity with this Doctor! His performance could've been one of the best ever! If he was given enough time to develop, he could've been David Tennant and Peter Davison's Doctors done better...and David Tennant is my #3 favourite Doctor only being knocked down there by Tom Baker as my #2. Yes, I'm saying this, if McGann had enough of a chance, he could've rivalled Tom Baker's performance! That is how much faith I have in his Doctor! The production design for this show is simply gorgeous. The Stone TARDIS looks amazing and the idea of The Doctor loosing his memory after a Regeneration is an intriguing one. With all that said, there is one thing that this story does so good, it rivals both the classic and new show...the Soundtrack! Oh my god, I want this soundtrack so bad. Even if the script was terrible, the soundtrack makes the epic battle at the end FEEL epic. It makes the "whimsical scenes" feel amazing. In short, regardless of what I say or what anyone else says, GET THE SOUNDTRACK!
So with all that in mind, you may ask "why did it suck so bad?" Okay, what you had for a starting on point is 26 seasons worth of TV, so if you were to adapt another continuation, you would be left with 3 options - 1. Explain everything then and there and make the show a "Doctor Who for Idiots" 2. Change up some of the lore of the show enough so it doesn't leave audiences alienated or 3. just throw up your arms and say "we can do whatever we want with this!" This movie took option 4 "all of the above". I cannot tell you even as a die hard fan how lost I was with this! For one, The Master has a trial on Skaro at the beginning of the film at the hands of the Daleks. Lets count in how many ways thats insane, 1. The Daleks are basically Alien Nazis, killing everything that isn't like them, so why the hell would they be hosting a trial? If you aren't a Dalek, your "EXTERMINATED", its that simple! 2. Shouldn't the trial of a Time Lord be conducted by the, you know, THE TIME LORDS! 3. How did The Master survive the last time we saw him? He was on an Exploding Planet with no means of escape! 4. How did The Doctor know about the trial? "Oh, your basically our enemy thats foiled us at every turn but we'll let you take The Master's ashes." I know McCoy's Doctor was a master manipulator but Jesus! 5. Speaking of McCoy's Doctor, the last time we saw Skaro, The Doctor blew it up! Its gone! That was a single plot point! Thats before the opening credits start. Oh and if your using this as a jumping on point, the opening doesn't explain where Skaro is in relation to the show, who The Master is and what his history is with The Doctor other than "he's my enemy"...There are literally hundreds of moments like this.
Now I want to talk about Eric Roberts as the villain. Okay, the Roger Delgado and Anthony Ainley Master's weren't exactly subtle but...Eric Roberts as The Master has the wonderful disguise to humans of "act like the Terminator". This makes every scene he's in...hilarious. It wouldn't be that bad a plot point but...I think Roberts is trying to be the master manipulator to people and yet people are willing to trust Eric Roberts that looks and acts like The Terminator. There's suspension of disbelief and then there's a being idiotic. After the cat is finally out of the bag (or Water/Air Snake...thats the form The Master takes!) all subtlety goes out the window (or what this show THOUGHT was subtlety) and Eric Roberts starts being the campest incarnation of the character.
There are also plot points that are only just brought up in this film like The Doctor being half human (despite the fact that Gallifreyans, from what we've seen in the Classic and New show are basically human looking so why did that plot point exist?), The Eye Of Harmony being an "access Regeneration" point for other Doctors (I guess that was a way of writing in a "safety net if McGann stuffed up and being like "say hello to Doctor #9 - Tom Baker!").
So overall is this special AS BAD as people make out? No. Its not even close. If you start comparing to Colin Baker's and even Peter Davison's run as The Doctor, they had worse stories and this came after both. However, does that mean this is good? No. All things considered, it was a "good show" trying to get out and if they gave it at least a Season, it could've really worked, but with what we got, its just a mediocre Doctor story with a fantastic Doctor, amazing production design, a few interesting ideas and an amazing soundtrack...coupled with asking questions every few minutes and a villain so over the top that Tim Curry would've been a step DOWN. If your interested, check it out, it does a few things right, but...just be prepared. Thats all I'll say.
Lost Girl: Of All the Gin Joints (2013)
If you only ever decide to watch one episode of Season 4...make it this one.
Season 4 of Lost Girl is a bit of a mix for me. I liked the first half. Hell, it actually was building a mystery quite well and it has a twist in that mystery that makes the whole thing seem completely ridiculous considering what we saw of it before. This episode proves that this show CAN have great writing, it CAN develop its characters.
So the plot relies a lot on a plot development that only happened a few episodes ago so, a little backstory, Bo finds out from the Unamends that she has, in fact, joined a side. The Dark. Now, keep in mind, this episode was before The Wanderer was revealed so what you have is a character who prided herself on being her own person and not owned by anyone, being owned by a group she doesn't even like and you can't revoke a side unless you have the witness of your joining present (who, at this point, Bo had no idea who that was). Oh and, before any fans skip ahead to this episode's review, read this, and scream "BETRAYAL!!!!" (Spoony Experiment reference) they get rid of this by the end of the season.
So what is actually the plot of this episode, A Fae descended from birds who is an opera singer (I'm not questioning it) approaches Bo saying that she promised to meet her and set her free, although Bo has no memory of it (which is an established plot point throughout the entire season), and the reason why this bird descended Opera singer wants to be free is that she feels exploited by her singing ability which can actually evoke memories, emotions and when pushed to the limit, can kill people. All she actually wants is to perform in front of a crowd but two of her "owners", Marcus and Damber, fight for ownership. Damber has owned her for 200 years but Ianka is really in love with Marcus who just wants to use her to kill the family Damber belongs to with the death song for revenge for not getting his prize pet bird back so quickly.
Now an explanation as to why its good, the character arc with Ianka (the singer) mirrors the struggle Bo goes through in being assigned to a side that its as perfectly done as you can get. It also never really feels like obvious symbolism or anything like that. I actually genuinely cared for Ianka, this was due to two things, one, the actress playing her was fantastic (and thats amazing considering I hated Hannibal (2013)). She knew how to match the emotion with something as silly as what Lost Girl can be at times, to the character. The second part is the writing. Where the hell was this writing in the second half of the season?! Seriously, a single 45 minute episode made me care more for Ianka than a 4 episode long "epic" where Bo has to save Rainer.
Now this episode ends with Marcus forcing Ianka to sing the death song at gunpoint, but she doesn't sing it to the Barackians (the kind of Fae Damber is, also I'm not sure if I spelled that right), only to the man she loved. However, the power of using this death song has drained her completely, to the point that she dies almost immediately but she reassures Bo, on her deathbed, she's done her job of "freeing her" and that she even admired Bo as a hero which is why she wanted to be free so bad. I actually felt sorry for her by this point. This is what Lost Girl does best - simple stories, great characters. Thats all.
So overall, this is by far the best episode of the season. I mean, the first half is the only part where it has competition but this episode not only proves you can introduce and develop a character in 45 minutes, but it can be done well. For a show that is normally very silly, it is a refreshing moment to see a great character driven episode. I wish I could say more about it but, I can't, this episode is simply fantastic.
Lost Girl: Origin (2014)
Probably the worst episode I've seen in the entire series.
Now, when it comes to Lost Girl, I love this show. I love the characters, the mythos, the stories, everything about this show drips with a richness that I love about it. I sat through the entirety of the first four seasons and...no joke, this is where I start to really hate Bo. Why? That gets a little complicated, spoilers if you haven't seen the season yet. Because this isn't as much an attack on just the one episode, more the entire second half of the season.
So at this point The Wanderer has revealed himself (as Rainer) and is Bo's new boy toy, this alone I could scream about for a good 15 minutes. She tries to get her friends on his side and they are all questionable about it. And honestly, why shouldn't they be? When they bring up he kidnapped her she answers "It wasn't like that" and they answer with the question "What was it like then?" "Its a long story." I'm all ears because I only saw this guy for the first time three episodes ago and that was the end so only 80 minutes have been devoted to this guy and this makes her willing to turn her back on her friends because "he's a nice guy"...By this point, I was screaming at the TV "YOU STUPID B*TCH!!!!"
So in the last episode (this is where major spoilers happen, so if you haven't got up to this part in the show yet...I'd say turn back NOW!) Hale gets killed by the Druid Kenzi owed money to for her short lived powers and to pay for them she accidentally gave a twig to that makes him immortal so he was able to come back from his firey torment the last time we saw him and now he's acting like Norman Bates as if played by Jeremy Irons from Dungeons And Dragons (but even if you look at it as a laugh, it isn't enough to salvage THIS). He took Hale's life so they're even and Kenzi wants to go revenge on his ass and yet Bo can't. Why? Rainer might die in a few days. Okay, Why is that priority number one?! Shouldn't the death of your best friend's fiancé be a little more important than your new f#ck bot? At least Dyson has an excuse that he wants to get information out of the guy (which he never actually gets) but still, Dyson reacts to the death of his best friend, you know, like its a big thing. Bo, however, is more concerned with Rainer because "why not?" If that wasn't enough to get me to completely alienate myself from Bo as a character completely(thats pretty impressive too, to do that after I've enjoyed her as a character for 4 years), to stop Rainer dying would mean unleashing hell itself on the world. Its not like this just happens at the end of the episode either, Lauren warns Bo of this. Does our little Succubus care about this? Of course not! She just wants her boy toy to survive past his expiry date! I mean I guess it makes sense, its not like Rainer dies an episode later anyway...OH WAIT!
This is the point where this show just got too stupid for me and thats quite an accomplishment considering in the 4th season alone we saw Kenzi becoming a parent, Krampus turned into a candy craving man child and a hip hop dance off to the death. You know why that stuff isn't as stupid as this? Because there was always a sense that it belonged in the show. They've done stupid stuff like this before and it was always done funny without that much compromise. This is a betrayal of the main character to the point that even if I could relate to her, considering the dumb sh*t she does and how much she betrays her friends she's had since the show's inception, I wouldn't want to. Thats how bad the writing is. Even the transsexual prison warden story line at the beginning of the third season holds more weight than this, at least there, the characters are still the characters and only one episode was devoted to it as opposed to an entire half of a season.
Spoilers, again, what happens in the end is that Bo actually marries Rainer (just writing that made me cringe in anger!) and that unleashes hell. But here's the killer part, The Wanderer isn't the main bad guy, it was his lieutenant, who was only introduced in this episode, by the way, who manipulated them both into doing this. If Rainer actually put Bo under a mind control spell, I'd buy that because she kind of acts like he did and it would justify why she'd go help some guy she just met over her best friend. But what the next episode says is that rooting for Rainer was the RIGHT move and everyone else was wrong. Yep, the WANDERER who kidnapped her in season 3 and was banished to roam eternity by the Blood King himself, is actually a good guy! Did anyone even READ the scripts to the previous season before making this sh*t?!
I really love this show. The first season is one of my personal favourite seasons of Television and Seasons 2 and 3, while at times dragged, they all still had that enjoyability factor that made them work and all still acted and felt like a legitimate season of Lost Girl. The first half of Season 4 was actually going along this path, but when they actually revealed Wanderer...this is actually making me question whether Season 5 is really worth watching, at all.
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark (1980)
An interesting little TV movie based on one of the best plays of all time.
To start off with, going in, I had no idea about Hamlet. I knew the basic premise but I never actually studied the text nor even heard any of the monologues (besides "To Be Or Not To Be" but who hasn't heard that?) and I actually became interested in it due to the fact that I wanted to say that I have at least a favourite play by Shakespeare. So I picked this one up, knowing it was celebrated for being one of the few adaptations to keep everything in (besides Branagh's version) and the casting of Derek Jacobi and Patrick Stewart seemed promising enough. I went in and...I liked it.
The plot (for those who don't know) is that the King of Denmark has recently died and the King's brother, Claudius, has married the Queen. Hamlet, the prince, doesn't like the fact that her mother married so soon after his father's death. While on patrol a guard sees the ghost of the King and notifies Hamlet through one of his best friends, Horatio. The ghost explains to Hamlet that his brother murdered him, he must take revenge and Hamlet schemes under the guise of acting crazy to everyone around him, including his girlfriend, Ophelia.
One of the things I didn't expect is that Derek Jacobi overacts as Hamlet. He's still a good performer and he knows how to play the character but...I struggle to recall if Hamlet barks at all in the play. Patrick Stewart and Claire Bloom hit all the right notes as the King and Queen of Denmark. One of the actors that surprised me the most is Lalla Ward as Ophelia. I only know of her outside of this as Romana from Doctor Who and she manages to take the character of Ophelia, a character that could've been boring and uninteresting into my personal favourite character in the entire play.
When it comes to the production design, everything is all on one stage and the different scenes are just cardboard cut outs. This isn't actually that bad because the art design is really good and it gives it the "play" feel to it. Maybe if you want better sets, you should check out some other version but then again it was originally written as a play so this shouldn't be a big problem for those that are interested in the story.
Overall its Shakespeare done by the BBC with the goal of "do Shakespeare and do it right" and with that in mind, this is a really good telling of the play. The 3 and a half hour runtime may be a bit of a turnoff to anyone interested in basically getting the foot notes of each scene but then again, this IS a work from who many consider the greatest writer of all time. So if you're interested in it, I'd definitely suggest checking this out.
The Raven (2006)
My first Ulli Lommel film!
Before I start this review, I feel as though I should talk about a director, Rainer Werner Fassbinder. For those that don't know, Fassbinder, for me, blurs the lines between an art-house film and flat out exploitation. This was a guy whose best film, in my opinion, is where a couple who have both committed adultery are pressured by their crippled daughter to shoot said daughter. The guy was apparently a horrible human being in real life but I at least see an audience for his work. So why am I bringing this up? He often would produce films for his "anti-theater" movement, often actors that worked in his films would direct something he'd produce. The best director to come out of that is Margarethe Von Trotta who did Rosenstrasse and Hannah Arendt. On the other end of the scale, the worst is Ulli Lommel who just feels like he's trying to recapture that "arthouse/exploitation glory" with this - The Raven.
If your familiar with Edgar Allan Poe's work, even remotely, you should know the story about how a guy is tormented with the loss of a woman called Lenore, a Raven flies in and torments him with the word "Nevermore" (this "analysis" doesn't do the poem justice at all, if you haven't already, I'd suggest checking it out). This film doesn't even follow that. In fact, it doesn't even follow a coherent narrative, to the point where Ed Wood would probably scratch his head in confusion to answer the question of "what the hell is going on?" The plot, actually is about a woman called Lenore who has psychic dreams about Edgar Allan Poe and The Red Death from his story "The Masque Of The Red Death". Whats the point of including this in the narrative, for The Red Death, there is none, for Edgar Allan Poe himself, thats a bit more complicated.
So Lenore is told by her Grandfather (played by Lommel himself) that she is the Lenore that Edgar Allan Poe talked about in The Raven. Her character goal is to become Lenore in Poe's work but even if that wasn't vague enough of a quest, we have a reason as to why that is the single dumbest idea any character can conceive. Earlier in her life she actually fought off a man who wanted to rape her and she electrified him. He comes back with Tomato Sauce on his face killing all Lenore's friends but he can't harm her, nor even die, until she fulfills her destiny. So if she does become Poe's Lenore, it means this angry rage ghost can harm her and she's the source of his rage! Now for other questions like "why does Poe's work allow such a shroud of non violence against someone who shares a name with one of his characters?" or "where did the ghost come from?" or "why is it killing her friends and other seemingly random people we never even get a name for?" Explanation? Who needs it? Oh and the film is edited so badly that to figure out what I did about the plot, I had to read the blurb on the back of the box. If you saw this film without the DVD box...good luck trying to follow the film.
I actually haven't even got to the editing in this film and that is by FARRRRRR the worst aspect of the film and considering the actors all sound like they're half asleep, all the cinematography looks like it was done by a 5 year old and the sound is eerily quiet and you suspect that it wasn't directed that way, thats saying a lot. Why? Well we actually get, nearly every minute, quick shots of telegraph poles. We also have the Red Death dreams that take up a good 10 minutes. We also see a man in a black bird suit driving from time to time which takes up less than 5 seconds every time and that happens every scene, and to add insult to injury, the killer often talks in this film, over a shot of telegraph poles and the words he's saying actually being put on screen for the audience. Can you guess how much this has to do with the plot? If you guessed "nothing" YOU ARE CORRECT!
I'm not sure if this actually is starting to sound like The Room or Birdemic where "oh its just parody fun, this sounds hysterical" its not. Its absolute torture to sit through. I've never felt 80 minutes as long, drawn out and as boring as this. What about characters back story? Well lets try Lenore, she's a singer for a band (we see a total of 3 minutes devoted to it and thats to sing some shitty song, guess how much it contributes to the plot), she was raised in a nunnery (we get this information around 10 minutes from the end) and loved being read Edgar Allan Poe stories by her grandfather. The entirety of her character summed up in ONE SENTENCE! She is also the deepest and introspective character in the entire plot. Ask me to name another character, I swear, I WILL stare at you blankly.
Overall, I don't see how anyone...anywhere can really enjoy this film. Its torture to sit through, you need a DVD case with you at all times to figure out the bare bones of what the hell is going on and it has nothing to do with the poem at all! In short, when your adaptation of an Edgar Allan Poe story makes Masque Of The Red Death starring Frank Stallone look like a masterpiece, STOP DIRECTING IMMEDIATELY!
A mesmerizing music video
Before I start, I want to explain something, I freaking love Poets Of The Fall and their music. I actually stumbled across them when I was around 12 when I was just finding out there was actual good music of today and with the exception of a forgettable 5th album, I have enjoyed everything they've done.
Now the song itself is a love ballad that, quite frankly, any idiot would've just made the music video just with a couple that break up at a Carnival. But this director, Stobe Harju, decides to make it about a girl wearing a gas mask and a Gothic Lolita dress and her relationship with a carnival attraction that is played by the lead singer, Marko Saaresto, she gives a giant lollipop to the two other band members, Olli Tukainen (I hope I spelled that right) and "Captain" and goes to another attraction where she has to break plates for freedom and she breaks them leaving the carnival attraction behind.
So I may be very bias towards the music and, the "story" of this video is clearly from someone who was either really creative or really insane. So how is the style? Everything is CGI and considering this is an independent band from Finland, you'd expect its not up to scratch. It is. Imagine if the cinematographer from Repo The Genetic Opera got together with Tim Burton and asked if they could do something together...its just as trippy and "dreamlike" as it sounds. I can't explain why, but it fits really well with the video, you'll see what I mean.
Now there are also two versions of this music video - the original made in 2006 and the "Remaster" made in 2009. I'd say the original does look a lot more like the Carnival settings are actually rusting but I'd say the Remaster cleared up a lot of the technical bugs in the original (there is a clear moment where you can tell there was supposed to be a fade from one clip to the next in the original, but there isn't). So if any, watch that.
So, overall, if you have never heard of this band, I'd suggest checking it out. If a ballad isn't really your thing, I would probably steer clear but trust me, for those that want something interesting and different, I'd probably hold this up with the highest of all recommendations.
Super Shark (2011)
Even for an Asylum shark movie, this is the bottom of the barrell
With the advent of the Sharknado phenomenon, a movie that got popular for being a tongue in cheek turd (it was meant to be bad), I thought that I would try out a film with a similar premise of unbelievable lengths; Supershark. What drew me into this film? The fact that it has a shark thats the size of a submarine that can not only withstand missiles but also walk on land and can fly! The appeal I was trying to get out of it was something like Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes or the previously mentioned Sharknado. Where, its dumb, its nonsensical but thats the whole point. What we got instead was a magnum opus to sh*t.
So my one biggest problem with the movie is that we barely see the shark. I think its in the film for a grand total of 30 minutes at best, less than half the run time (sadly) where what we get is two other plot points - a journalist trying to uncover the EVIL oil tycoon for using a chemical that could break down solid rock (apparently that was where the Supershark was hiding, surprisingly I'm not questioning it for this kind of movie). The second plot involves a love triangle between a group of life guards - one guy and two girls that happen to be friends. I will give credit to the second one, the Supershark does finish that one off but what we get is mainly the oil tycoon plot.
Okay If I'm begging this kind of movie to be over the top, dumb, its time for the director to rethink his life. I mean, you don't need to go to film school to make one of these movies - yes, I expect horrible acting, I expect some of the worst CGI I've ever seen, I expect moments of impossibility happening but I also expect dumb fun. With this film, I can give it at least 3/4 but the last one is the most important element and without it, everything else just feels like "why am I watching this".
Oh and if you're expecting smut to save the film, your sadly wrong. This is a PG movie. The only thing that comes close is a contest where whichever woman looks good in a bikini wins. Its not a plot point in this film, more of a scene. I'm not usually into smut in entertainment but in a B grade shark movie where if it had fan service in it, just one scene, it would've saved the movie, that is pathetic!
So overall, this is a movie where a shark can fly, walk on land and withstand a tank and even for someone who kind of likes these movies, its pretty underwhelming. If you want to see an over the top shark movie that relies on "it was constructed to be bad" watch Sharknado 2!
The Nostalgia Chick (2008)
Honestly, I think this is a good example of internet reviewing.
The Nostalgia Critic is by far one of the most famous of internet critics, however in 2008, Doug Walker decided to have a spin off show that would look at Nostalgic movies that were targeted at a female audience. From that, we got Lindsay Ellis as the Nostalgia Chick. A very different breed of animal from her male counterpart.
For one thing, I don't actually think her reviews are that funny. Sometimes they are but for the most part she delivers her reviews in a serious light. So as a spin off to a satire review show, you'd probably think its awful but for the jokes that are there, they're delivered in a dry, witty way that its actually a welcome change of pace from the "scream" reviews that Doug Walker throws out, its almost like The Cinema Snob at some points.
I also admit that out of anyone on Channel Awesome, if I want a review that would not only be the most informative but also the one that could "sell" the movie, I watch Lindsay's review. Even though I don't agree with everything she says about movies (example, I actually liked Labyrinth and The Fifth Element, I don't like Wall-E) but I at least know that with each movie she reviews she has a well thought out argument that justifies why she feels the movie is crap or if she likes it.
So overall, this isn't the same style of comedy that you'd normally find on Channel Awesome but in all fairness, Lindsay does explain her thoughts on movies rather well, to a point where it never feels like she's just blindly hating. If you're into web critics, go check this show out.
Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Now before I start, I want to make it absolutely clear of 2 things; 1. I liked the original Thor movie, it wasn't great but I'd call it entertaining enough that, if anyone wanted me to sit through it again, I wouldn't object. 2. I know that this might sound like "Oh, Morbius is just going on with the same old thing, he didn't like The Avengers so he obviously will just blindly hate on every Marvel film" no, I can assure you, in this review I have measured up each pro and con as fairly as I can.
The plot is basically the same thing you've seen in a ton of these films; bad guy tries to take over the world, hero tries to stop them and get a love interest into the mix. There isn't that much else besides that. Its been done to death in these films and for the most part, done better.
However, I do have to defend other aspects of this film before I get to the complaints. Firstly, the CGI is amazingly well done. The acting is from just about every player, pretty solid, the action scenes are all really well done and I'll at least say, its watchable.
Now onto the complaints, now you would've probably seen the first film. Assemble in your mind each and every single complaint; the love relationship is underdeveloped, the humor is bad, the writing is bare bones simplicity and it under uses the movie's best talent. This film has all of those things but to a worse off degree than the first. As if, instead of saying "How do we improve this over the original?" they said "How do we make more flaws in writing than the original?"
First off, the movie's talent is just, as I've said twice, under used so much that its pretty much ridiculous. Stellan Skarsgard is the worst one because as much as Anthony Hopkins and Christopher Eccleston are under played, at least they don't have this god awful humor. What passes off as a joke in this film? Skarsgard running around Stonehenge naked, Skarsgard not wearing pants, and the oh so funny antics of Kat Dennings, even though the Jar Jar Binks comparisons are a little harsh, she's still pretty bad.
The love relationship is just terrible in this movie. Natalie Portman and Chris Hemsworth have little to no chemistry and most of that, I blame on the writing. Now, okay, when it comes to other blockbusters where Portman played the love interest, it had worse writing (STAR WARS EPISODE 2) but in this, they share little to no scenes together, they barely talk to each other alone (and wouldn't she question "hey, what was up with that alien army I saw you fighting on TV?") and they don't even say goodbye to each other when the film ends. However, to their credit, both actors are trying, good god are they trying, but nothing works and after reading that, how can it? Apparently the Bifrost Bridge is repaired...out of nowhere, so what is keeping them apart? In the first one, it was made clear, in this one, its like Thor has ADD and can't decide whether he wants to be with her or not. But, oh, that would ruin Marvel's formula. Um...f#ck formula! The Marvel formula has been in use since 2008 and its getting tired! Captain America 2 had the "f#ck formula!" attitude and its by far the best Phase 2 movie.
So, overall, I don't hate this film, there are certainly good things about it but enough for me to like it? No. While its not the worst I've ever seen, it is an annoying film with the "playing it safe" bland formula Marvel has decided on what works. Hello. Can just one Hollywood movie take a risk? That's what makes people remember it.
Vampire Academy (2014)
One of the most wretched movies of the year and considering my views on current movies THAT IS A NEW LOW!
Okay, I am a fan of vampire books (not the ones this film was based on but to its credit, it can't be worse than this) and movies. I went in with the mentality "it can't be worse than Twilight", no offense to fans of the books but...it very nearly is.
I will start with my vote for the worst thing about the film. It fails to explain one thing about the new mythology of Vampires nor what this "Vampire Academy" is even really meant to be about. Okay, they try within the first 5 minutes of the film but let me just tell you what else they throw in and expect you to try and remember this;
-2 fight scenes
-A kidnapping storyline
-A "dual feeding" storyline and why thats a bad thing
-A telekinetic connection between the two leads explained over a plot point
You are expected to remember all of this and follow the story when all that sh!t happens IN UNDER 5 MINUTES! If you want audiences to take your mythology seriously, SPEND TIME DEVELOPING IT! Even Twilight did this better. Okay, Twilight f!cked over the vampire mythos and everything about it but at least they spent time on it so the audience isn't thinking "what the f#ck is going on?!" I never thought I'd live to see the day when Vampire Academy becomes complicated.
Okay, so the story is that a vampire princess and her wannabe guardian (for her character, think Kenzi from Lost Girl minus the humor and anything else that would make her enjoyable) are fighting off a threat to the Princesses life. And a majority of the film is "they think its this one guy or girl but it isn't". Also throw in 2 love relationships, an "outcast nerd" subplot, a vampire dying of...vampire degenerative disease and a plot point about the Princess trying to climb up the popularity ladder again. Is it just the theme for modern Hollywood to just throw in a ton of plot and just hope it all holds weight? First The Amazing Spiderman 2, now this. And for those that think because I think its complicated I don't get it, watch The Man Who Fell To Earth, Don't Look Now, 2001 A Space Odyssey, Fata Morgana and Wings Of Desire. All of these films I consider confusing at least at one point or another but I like them.
Now okay, if the plot isn't worth it at least the characters can be right? Wrong! These leads are SO ANNOYING! Mostly what they do is try to get back at the worst written bully I've ever seen in a movie (no joke) and figure out "do I like this boy?" and, as I said earlier, trying to regain popularity. Um...hello? Threats have been made on your life! Why don't you use your title as Princess to, I don't know, BUILD A SECURITY SYSTEM FOR YOUR SCHOOL OF VAMPIRES SO YOU CAN FIND OUT WHOSE WRITING BLOOD MESSAGES ON YOUR BEDROOM WALL! Oh, I'm sorry for using my head. You go focus all your energy on regaining popularity while this psycho stalker kills your cat (no joke, thats in the movie) and hangs a bloody corpse above your front door...THINK!
Oh and the characters try to throw in a moral at the end, because after reading THAT paragraph above you'd just LOVE that for your teenage girl. Its that popularity and bullying are meaningless...when I said this had worse writing than The Worst Witch did you really think I was kidding?
When it comes to vampire films, I'm a fan, really. However the writing of this film makes The Worst Witch look like Lord Of The Rings. I mean a German vampire film I saw called We Are The Night was brilliant. It took its time for the mythology to set, the stupidity level of the main characters is only as far as "not doing a good job of cleaning up blood" and the characters were interesting. And I know most people are like "oh I can't watch subtitled films" well you can read can't you? So whats wrong with looking at a screen that has both action and text over it? And if you REALLY can't do that, go watch the English dub.
Overall, this film is one of the worst films I've seen in a while. Its not because its a "chick flick" or something like that. But its because its a stupid movie with even dumber characters and even worse, it tries to throw in a moral. I've never read the books, all this film did was turn me off to an even greater extent.