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1-2 - Viewing is not advised. Bring a friend preferably with some medical knowledge.
3-4 - Keep out unless you are looking for something that will kill huge amount of brain cells.
5-6 - Movies that don't really feel special - something you watch and don't really think much about it. Can be either a waste of time or enjoyable depending on taste (which actually applies for the lower scores up^)
7 - Movies that feel out of the ordinary so you recommend it to a friend just so he would come the next day and say it was stupid so you take out the big guns and say with a firm voice it's one of the better movies you've watched lately.
8-9 - The realm of movies that have earned the privilege of recruiting brain cells on their side that make you think the impossible - to actually watch a movie a second time. If you wonder whats happening to you don't call 911 - it means the movie was good and you really enjoyed it.
10 - The royal family of just damn well made movies and personal affections.
Like: Science Fiction, Horror, Romance, Adventure, Animation.
Most Unfavourable: Crime, Mystery, Thriller, Action - even worse when combined.
A review is a spoiler by itself.
Hell Baby (2013)
They really kicked the hell out of this hell baby!
Really strong point in this movie is the cast. Cheap humor's basically something so stupid that it makes you laugh and it isn't something that everyone can pull off. As I'm not much of a fan of this kind of humor I still found the acting to be really good, giving soul to jokes that a lot of actors would otherwise use to put you to sleep. The best character in the movie for me is Jack, who is the down to earth man with his best part being the unique way he freaks out. It's completely hilarious when something really unnatural happens and he screams like a maniac trying to understand what's happening.
The stupid cops give a nice touch especially when joined by the exorcist guys from the Vatican. And don't expect them to be some ordinary demon fighting priests swearing left and right trying to be funny. They actually make sense in their own twisted way. F'resnel may as well be the best supporting character in a comedy movie I've seen. Apart from the usual sneaking and scaring the hell out of the main characters he gives the much needed history of the house plus some really disturbing advises.
All in all a really great movie. On a whole different level than mostly every Comedy/Horror movie I've watched. Mountains and oceans apart as I had mostly given up hope for this kind of movies. It's really nice to see that people can still shoot a good movie in this pretentious genre. As for the ending I never expected it but they really do battle it out with the baby as strange as it may sound.
Snails and slugs are the best as long as you keep them animated!
I really liked this movie. It's got really good humor and made me laugh more than just a couple of times. Well done animations and entertaining story. Good family movie with the classic good vs evil fights, the bad father and daughter relationship that gets better through the movie and making the most skeptic person the main character in a story about little leaf men is always a good strategy. Anyone with a thing for animations should be able to enjoy this movie.
Normally I'd have given a higher score for a movie like this but I find the helmet thingies our human characters use to be flawed, and I didn't like how the very last 2-3 minutes ended the movie in a way I don't favor.
Dark Circles (2013)
Couches are the most interesting thing when two women fight. It's not just me right?
First of all I know saying a lot of bad things for something is the easiest way out, yet I couldn't really find anything that could make me say I enjoyed this movie.
The movie started climbing mount Everest, for it has some nice scenes the first five minutes, then it slipped and kept falling till it hit rock bottom in lake Mediocre(it's not a real lake so don't Google it).
Practically two thirds of the movie goes by with some very weak mirror scares and looking through windows thinking "hey who's that in our yard?" among some other snail paced scares. The characters are acting like old people with Alzheimer's, fighting over petty things, while thinking that the other one is insane, making most conversations plainly annoying.
The fighting scenes are just pathetic. For one of them I could swear it looked a lot more like humping than any other kind of violence. And the cameraman must have been on drugs for the last fight scene - we start with some fighting than he shows us the couch, then the fight again and we are back to the couch - a few more times like that and I had to go back and watch it again to actually get what's happening.
And as we have no ghosts I don't think there are any special effects in the movie. Yes. No ghost in this movie as it turns out - just a crazy homeless looking chick with no shoes that isn't even half scary. And seeing as the make up is terrible couldn't they put some mud mixed with red paint on her face?
To top it off if that woman isn't a ghost then she must be the best ninja I've seen in a horror movie ever.
The Colony (2013)
Cannibalistic threat in the middle of an ice age!
What I especially liked about this movie is that they went to the trouble of creating a background story thats is more than "a bunch of youngsters in a wooden shack, miles away from civilization". It's nothing much, but keeps things fresh.
The characters are believable and the actors play their roles well. The only thing I never came to terms is the addition of the "jerk" character - a moron that defies all logic and does things that are all the way from dumb to inhuman and all they say is something along the line of "it's for the greater good". The only character type I don't mind getting punched in the face for no reason and the one here is extremely obnoxious.
The screenplay is not the average blood and gore type where people kill other people with just teeth and bare hands thus spewing every last bit of blood possible (although their teeth appear sharper than those of a normal human, making such a scene completely plausible).There is some but it's not too much over the top, a lot closer to reality. There are plenty of fire and explosions to mix up the action and thin the ranks of the bad guys, whom although eating human flesh have not lost their minds. They use weapons like guns and knives just as well as everyone else, and most of the time refrain from mindlessly charging headfirst to certain death.
As for whether to watch this movie depends on what you are looking for. If you expect this to feel something like "Wrong Turn" you can't be more wrong. It's got nothing in common, except the cannibals duh. The atmosphere is post-apocalyptic and the weather being extremely cold is picked for a purpose. Very much reminds me of "The Thing", not because of plot similarities, but because both are set in a very cold places. Cold is a much better tool for adding extra pressure than fire and water among many others(at least in my mind). It very easily achieves its purpose and keeps the viewer interested even in scenes with less action and dialogue.
Furious 6 (2013)
The next installment of high speed chases and adrenaline!
9/10 The first thing that come to mind when I think about the Fast and Furious movies is the racing through town at high speeds pulling incredible stuns with the cops on their backs, snatching the victory and getting away with it. Building and tuning awesome cars, the smug smiles on their faces when they finally get into the car and turn the key. Exactly the things that made the first two movies successful. The third movie was the best of the three as far as racing and fast cars go, yet the least successful as it didn't follow the story of the previous movies. Something everyone quickly realized for the forth movie. It also shifted a lot of weight from racing to car chases, diversifying the action scenes while keeping all the redeeming features of the previous movies. The fifth movie was really good except one thing - I had the feeling that I had seen that movie somewhere. A very Ocean's Eleven style - recruit some shady crew members, make a plan, steal the bad guy's dearest treasure and make him weep, preferably in jail.
And here we are with the newest movie. It has the awesome car chases, the incredible action scenes, the right amount of humour, and if I dare say the best plot so far. It has it all and the only thing better than Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson destroying everything in their path while reaching for each other's throats is to see them teaming up against the incredible hulk's little cousin.
We all have experience with sequels that have gotten worse and worse with every next movie, yet at the cosmical number of 6 this one can very well be the best one so far. You don't need to be into cars and high speeds, or into anything as a matter of fact. it's a movie that everyone can enjoy and definitely one of the must see action movies of 2013.
Evil Dead (2013)
And the river of blood keeps flowing!
Well there are a lot of reasons for going to cabins, but frankly shutting a drug addict inside one in who knows where seems like one of the strangest ones to me. Oh who cares at least they went to the trouble to get someplace distant enough to scream their lungs out while getting mutilated.
As always we get some background on what happened in the cabin before - a father killing his daughter with fire - best way to kill demons, zombies, witches, and all that supernatural stuff. And after that they just leave the book in plain sight inside a plastic bag and some razor wire around. Yeah why not just put some duct tape over it and hope no one will notice as if it's ever worked. So what we have here is a book with a lot of strange drawings and scribbles that our hippie team member manages to read even when they are crossed out to the point of well... not seeing anything. The crafty bastard makes sure he says all the words even though they make little sense. And what he does is release the demon, and the first thing it does is rape the main actress. Now that's one kinky demon right there. All the fun starts from here - boiling water, awesome demon puking, and cutting a bigger smile for yourself, needles, stabbings, needle stabbings? etc. The mutilations are always welcome even better if you do it yourself. On the other side the nail gun isn't nearly as interesting as the shotgun, as the last one makes thing explode like a balloon. And in the end as always I forget how efficient the chainsaw can be even after you literally forget your hand in the car. I mean gallons upon gallons erupting from a body that can't possibly have that much.
Still kind of enjoyed the movie. It's got some scenes that can make the more inexperienced viewer jump in his seat and plenty of blood for the gore fans. Definitely not for the faint hearted. The movie sticks to the basics as far as plot and characters go, but it's worth a look. Unless you are looking for something groundbreaking, because come on! how groundbreaking can a remake be?
Oh my dear lord save us!
4/10 Just a heads up I don't like writing bad things about anything but I couldn't let this one go. Somehow something must be wrong with me for expecting so much of this movie just to find out how cheap it is. I know it is supposed to be more like a parody of the original story and make you laugh here and there yet the only thing that made me chuckle was how they threw the witch in the fire in the beginning not because it's funny in itself but because it made me remember a scene from "Conan the Barbarian"(1982).
Then here is other thing that made the movie sink like a rock in the ocean. Hansel and Gretel are presented as almost legendary witch hunters - hunting and killing witches for about a decade and everyone seems to know about them. Then they meet some witches. And they get beaten to the ground, tossed left and right - even up here and there as if they meet a witch for the first time. Then as you can guess they are still alive (don't ask me how it's a fantasy go figure).So as always when things are bad generic pretty girl #1 gets to join the party with some sweet inside information and as always the good guys triumph as irrational as it seems. I never recommend what people should or shouldn't watch but if you decide to see this particular movie you are on your. own.
Finally well done series about vikings
First of all I really love movies about vikings and there aren't that many given how popular vikings are. I've seen and heard a lot of comments about historical inaccuracies and this and that but screw all that history can be incredibly boring (now is the time to remember all those painfully long history lessons in school). Being historically accurate can do two things for a movie - make it better because it actually makes sense but on the other hand looking at facts too much can hinder acting ( having to do certain things in certain way) and make it seem unnatural and unappealing even if it's how it is supposed to be. They are not reenacting history after all.
This series is just the right mix of both for someone like me that doesn't really know too much about viking history and culture for my own good yet I could safely say it's a series about vikings if I had to guess. The characters are interesting and believable and easily appeal to the viewer. The main character especially is well done. He is smart and cunning and there aren't many viking that see the reasoning behind his actions making him a good leader earning their trust. He is respected as a warrior as he can be both merciless and just. And for last he honours the viking gods and culture which is extremely important in their society. The plot is interesting and unpredictable as you've got two different and contradicting cultures that end up warring with each other as well as internal power struggle and more - enough to keep to viewer in front of the screen and make you want more. Don't misunderstand me here - series need this sort of longevity if they are going to make it past first season. And they did it very well especially with the ending of the season as they set the scene for something much bigger. As for the last I've kept the black sheep of the first season and that is the low number of episodes - 9 that could very well increase next season.
Oblivion is a good movie but it's not anything out of the ordinary. I mean Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman are in it so it shouldn't be bad but oh wait Morgan Freeman appears like 2 or 3 times for 10 minutes all in all so his only job here is pretty much to give the movie a boost in advertising.
Now for the reasons why the movie isn't what is should have been. As most science fiction fans I like movies that have aliens/alien invasions to actually present some believable actual aliens. Right? This movie is not such one as the main character keeps running around and the only things he talks to and shoots at are machines and other people and no the drones don't count as actual aliens. Even when he gets to the alien base orbiting Earth all he finds is a overgrown futuristic PC with a red eye (because its not getting enough sleep probably) and even though it's used a million times it was the last chance to get some clearance about the invasion like "Hey I like your oceans so I decided to suck them dry." No. Go in blow everything up safe the girl stick around for some tears and bam! end credits.
Not to mention the plot. A man with no memories finds the woman that he has dreams about and it turns out to be the love of his live. There are plenty of movies out there about people with lost memories finding their lost loved ones. And one last thing - things looked too plastic (shh don't look at his gun) In the end i don't think it's a movie you should pass on watching but don't expect too much. Oh and the drones rock. Only thing missing is the cute voice.